Mark, I have been putting your principles into practise for a few months now and everything was going well until my sons best friend came back into his life big time. His girlfriend dropped him two weeks ago and he had been kicked out of both his mothers and fathers house because they cannot live with his behaviour any more, this child has uncontrollable tempers and word around the place is he is on steroids. How do I get my son back on track and to accept that his friend is a bad egg.
He stayed out all night because I was mad with him, he is not responding to the consequences unless I change them. He is now 17 and I know he would be scared if I really threw him out, but I am scared if it backfires. If I call the police when he stays out, is this not going to backfire and make him so wild with me? What normally happens in this case? Can you give some advice? ~ L.
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Hi L.,
Re: …son’s best friend.
Peer pressure is a very potent force, but its influence is very subtle. Often, teens don't even know they're being influenced. Teens associate with peers who are not necessarily a good influence because they don't want to say "no" …don't want to be left out …don't want to seem like a wimp …don't want to lose their friends …and are afraid their friends will tease them and spread rumors around school.
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Family support is crucial to adolescents. Adolescents take their major values in life from their parents. When adolescents are negatively influenced by their peers, it is more likely because something is lacking in parental involvement. Those who do not have a high level of support from their parents are more likely to become involved in undesirable behaviors. Support and effective communication lessen adolescent's vulnerability to negative peer pressure.
Here are some suggestions:
· Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
· Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
· Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
· Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
· Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.
· Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).
· If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.
· Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
· Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.
· Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.
No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he or she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).
Re: He stayed out all night because I was mad with him, he is not responding to the consequences unless I change them.
Where was your poker face? Also, “changing” consequences to meet the demands of the child is a form of over-indulgence.
Re: If I call the police when he stays out, is this not going to backfire and make him so wild with me?
I can see that the tail is wagging the dog. You have clearly lost control in the relationship. Rather than worrying about things “backfiring,” I would recommend that you concern yourself with the damage that will be done to your son if you continue to over-indulge.
Please review Session #3 in the eBook {online version}. I think this chapter applies best in your circumstance.
Stay in touch,
Mark Hutten, M.A.
