ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Mark, The info you have e-mailed me has been very helpful. What a difference it has made just to have someone putting into words what I have been going through. Of course, everyone blames the parents. This is incredibly frustrating and angering, if you let it be this way. I am finally reaching a place where I am not nearly as embarrassed and angry. My child goes out of her way to make sure she embarrasses me publicly at every outing. Her father abused her mentally, and in all other ways. I stayed with him too long and blame myself for a lot of her problems. __________ Hi B., I’m glad you are letting go of some issues and simply taking care of yourself. Good for you. I wish more parents had the insight that you now have. Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Hello Mark, I was on the chat site and with our time difference here in Australia, it’s hard to be there I guess when you’re on. Like I mentioned in chat, I have a 22 year old & an 18-year-old daughter and a 44-year-old husband, am 43. My 22 year old daughter for the last four months has been giving me grief, disrespecting me, showing me no respect in the way she speaks to me, she yells at me and uses foul language with me. We just don’t seem to get on at all, if we sit down and have a conversation, it all ends up in argument with her telling me its none of my business in what she does and where she goes. She has started hanging around with this girl from work, and since she, has my daughter has changed dramatically in her mood swings, she says I irritate her and she cant stand to be around me. She is always going away with this girl on weekends, and since she has met her, she has even now broken up with her boyfriend of just over a year, where they were talking bout getting m...

My daughter continually lies to us, skips schools, refuses to follow rules, she's already been in drug rehab and I recently found out she was smoking pot, she doesn't want to live at home, she thinks she can live out on her own and she's 16 1/2. Any suggestions? ___________ Hi A., It’s O.K. for your daughter to seek independence, but you still need to know where she’s going and whom she’ll be with. Don’t assume every “teen” activity is properly supervised or safe unless you have chaperoned it or have otherwise satisfied yourself. All kids want a little fun, adventure and to “hang out” with their peers. You are probably going to have to work with other like-minded parents to provide safe supervised outlets for them. Strictly from the standpoint of keeping your daughter out of trouble, help her pick a core group of friends who you are comfortable with. You should know them and their parents. Undoubtedly, next to properly supervising your child, her friends wi...

I have tried lots of things with my 10-year-old daughter. I have done a parenting course, but she is still causing disruption and is very violent towards me and her 2 sisters, K____ 15, and L___ 9. Today my 10-yr-old daughter has smacked me, kicked me, tried to smash the patio door with the fruit bowl, then grabbed the kettle and has started throwing hot water around. This is not just putting us at danger, but herself. I am now wondering what on earth I can do next as I have tried time out sanctions, reward charts, praising, etc. Please give me some advice, as I don’t know where to turn. Thanks, C. ___________ Hi C., At the risk of throwing labels around, you have described behavior in line with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). ODD defined: A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present: 1. often loses temper 2. often argues with adults 3. often...

"Our son recently lost his girlfriend in a very bad car accident. She and two of her female friends were killed instantly when the driver veered off the road and hit a tree head on. My question is he has been very depressed since the accident and is now talking about wishing he were dead. No amount of talking to him is making a difference. Should we be concerned that he really might follow through with a suicide attempt?" Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among those 15 to 25 years of age, and it is the 6th leading cause of death among those 5 to 14 years of age. It is estimated that 500,000 teenagers try to kill themselves every year, and about 5,000 succeed. Furthermore, teenage suicide is on the rise. Some of the reasons for this increase: Easier access to lethal means, such as guns and drugs A more violent youth culture, fueled by video games, music, television and movies A lack of family stability; divorce, abuse Reduced im...

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.” Click here for my response...

Hi Mark, It has been a while since I have been able to get to my “social” emails. My life has been full of change over the past four months. Two of which I believe have had a very positive influence on my now, sort of, in control teenager. I took my son (15yrs) overseas to meet his Italian family he had never met and when we got back I sold the house I had bought from my X and moved to a new town house. Should have done this when we divorced two years ago. Now my kids and I can start over. I stayed, thinking it would give them some stability through the divorce. I was wrong – it had too many memories for them. Your book made a huge difference in my life as it gave me the tools to start the process. I must admit it wasn’t easy doing it on my own and I did fall off the rails a few times, but I seem to have mastered the poker face bit and it does work. I now get accused of be hard and not care any more. Well I know this isn’t true but it certainly does make for less arguments and...

Mark, Thank you for the offer and for your web site. I am still reading the "book" which I downloaded yesterday. Our son G___ is not a bad kid by any stretch of the imagination. He is an A/B student in school, is well liked by all of his teachers, has friends and has a part time job. But his mother and I (we are married) are the "enemy" from what I can gather from the discussions and arguments with G___. He has become very secretive and has lied as to his whereabouts in the past. I know he is scared about going off to college in the fall. Not scared enough not to go, but concerned about being on his own. For this reason, he says he has chosen to try to do without our help in order to make him "grow up", which he says he has a lot to do. But his methods are sometimes frightening. I'm hoping that by reading the book, I may gain some insight as to how to handle the situation. It is physically tiring and by the end of the day his mother and I ar...

Hi G., I’ve responded to your email point by point below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>> Dear Mark, I have a 16 yr old (we are UK based) who is depressed and angry and won't respond to offers of seeking help via doctor or counsellor. >>>>>>>>>>>> Counseling is just another “traditional” parenting strategy that doesn’t work very well, and in too many cases, it makes a bad problem worse. When parents attempt to force counseling on a difficult child, she usually resents it and views this strategy as a form of punishment. She also tends to believe that the family is blaming her for all the parent-child conflict. If the whole family will go to counseling, then you may see some benefit. Otherwise, save you money. She’s had fights with her father where he physically lashed out at her in response to her rudeness and she now hates her father with vengeance. >>>>>>>...

Yes, my husband and I have over-indulged him; which after reading your on-line book is the root of his destructive behavior. This past spring he became involved with a girl. The relationship went from “date” to talk of marriage within 3 months. We became aware of their sexual activity in May and I notified the girl’s mother. Her mother and I decided that their relationship should not continue. Three days after prohibiting them from seeing each other, they conspired to meet at her house while her parents were away and on his way to her house, he totaled his car. He was immediately grounded and for a month after the accident, lied about seeing her, denied responsibility for the car accident, refused to go to work, snuck out at night, locked himself in his room, carved her initials in his arm and refused to speak to us. We grew very worried that he was going to harm himself with these behaviors. His behavior was so mean, nasty and erratic, I didn’t even like to leave him...

"Both my husband and I have read your eBook. However, he is still wanting to 'over-indulge' our daughter. What can I do?" Hi C., It will be very important for you and your husband to be united and bonded on most issues. But, bear in mind that a weaker plan supported by the both parents is much better than a stronger plan support by only one parent. The two of you must set aside your differences as partners and resolve to work together as parents in the best interest of your child. This is difficult, but not impossible to do. You will continue to disagree – and that's O.K. But agree that you will not let your own differences interfere with your ability to parent together. Argue only when your child is not within earshot. Make important decisions about your child together. Sit down with your husband and create rules that your child must follow, but that the two of you agree on. Also, learn to let go a little and accept that the situation c...

Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one living arrangement to another. This mother sent her son a letter inviting him to Christmas Eve dinner: ________ Hi Mark, Sent letter to my son. He would have received it on Friday. In it I also expressed your advise. I have also invited him to join all our family for Christmas Eve dinner. It is Monday. Would you suggest any further contact? If yes when? Or do you think I should wait until he contacts us? Christmas Eve is in 6 days. It's frustrating when we don't have the answers ourselves anymore. What do you suggest? ________ Hi M., The main goal is for (a) your son to start taking responsibility for himself, and (b) for you to take less responsibility in order to achieve (a). Whenever you are undecided about what to say or do, ask yourself the question, "Is what I"m about to say or do going to promote the development of self-rel...

My fifteen year old daughter has always had problems with making and keeping friends. Its heart breaking when she never gets invitations to parties or sleep-overs. Is it too late to help her? She is an only child, does this make a difference? __________________ Hi S., The fact that your daughter is an only child does make a difference, but not a BIG one. Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own and become very self-sufficient. Parents can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop. Only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities. An only child's environment forces her to take on characteristics of extraversion despite natural inclinations toward introversion. A naturally introverted child must show ...

Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD? --------------- Hi B. & D., RE: Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? Residential treatment is not recommended for the treatment of ODD. Parent management training (PMT) is the recommendation because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the children and their parents. PMT consists of procedures with which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their child's problem behavior in the home. PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood. These patterns develop when parents inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a child by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attenti...

My son has recently been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. He is almost 10 years old. He is really good at school, but he has the defiance problem away from school. My question deals with the ADHD. I see him as having problems with concentration at school, but he is NOT hyper at all. What's the difference with ADHD and ADD? Why don't they diagnose it as that instead? -------------------- Hi B., About 15% of ADHD children are ADHD without hyperactivity. Children with ADHD without hyperactivity are different in many ways from ADHD kids. -- They often have lower energy than normal. -- They are less assertive than normal. As a result, they are usually quite popular in school compared to ADHD kids. -- They are much more likely to have learning disorders (especially Math) than ADHD kids. -- They are much less likely to have ODD or conduct disorders. -- They usually do not get identified early in school. -- They are more likely to quietly daydream and nev...

Hi Mark, Very hard few days - one thing after another. She [daughter] had school disco Friday night. She carried on about underwear, which I had actually just washed. Went on and on. Sat night was about cranberry sauce. She ran out of the house to her dad’s - very annoying. I am feeling very tired. I was going out but to tired - just want to sit. I can't seem to show no emotion. Sometimes I can, but last night she made me cry, how much can you take. She ran back to my ex and said horrible horrible things about me and my partner. Thursday night she ran out of her piano concert. I have a job now but can't make stats probably loose it. I am depressed and sad all the time - just want to close eyes and dream of being far away. Beach somewhere sipping cocktail. No worries - like my twenties. ~ J. ------------------- Hi J., These feelings you are having are very common for parents with out-of-control kids. Here is a list of symptoms parents can expect to expe...

Mark, Thank you for your email. We've been having problems with our 13-year-old son and recently saw a counselor last week, which was with both my husband and I. After a very bad evening, I found your website and purchased your book which described my "out of control teenager" perfectly. Am I better off forcing my son to go to the counselor or trying your steps first? He obviously does not want counseling. He is not a problem in school or anything else he does. He is a very well liked boy who is extremely athletic, good looking and smart. Unfortunately, he does not like rules and always wants to be in charge. The outbursts occur only at home, but obviously we have severe concerns on his disruptiveness to the home. Thanks for your help. P.V. __________ Hi P., Counseling is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that doesn't usually work very well. I see many cases in which it makes a bad problem worse. I would predict that this will be the case for you...

I am a single parent. Could you give me any tips on how to get a 13-year-old to get out of the house on weekends instead of staying in with me? The only way to get him out is if I buy him a game or something he wants to do. But I cannot always afford this. _____________ Hi L., Here are a few ideas that your son could do either at home or away from home: 1. Bake bread 2. Bake cookies or a cake 3. Help cook dinner 4. Do soap carving 5. Go and visit grandparents 6. Go bike riding together 7. Go bowling 8. Go camping 9. Go fishing 10. Go swimming 11. Go to a movie 12. Go to the library 13. Go wading in a creek 14. Go window-shopping 15. Have a bonfire 16. Have a family meeting to discuss whatever 17. Have a family picnic in the park 18. Have a late evening cookout 19. Have a barbeque 20. Have a water balloon fight in the backyard 21. Learn a new...

Hi E. & P., I’ve responded to your comments point by point below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>> Mark, I just had a conversation with our daughter last evening as she is going out and telling everyone that we do not support her in her future endeavor in sports. >>>>>>>>>>> I hear you saying that your daughter is mad because you are not on the same page with her regarding college (justifiably so). We pay for everything she does with sports, she has been on national development teams, we go to every game, every tournament, and we tell her what a great game she played. >>>>>>>>>>> You are paying for everything? What is she doing to “earn” these things? She seems to put herself on a higher pedestal than what she actually has. She has been cutting, suicidal, etc. >>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the sectio...