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Ask—Don’t Tell: How to Elicit Compliance by Giving Control Who this helps This post is for parents of children and teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or simply strong-willed kids . It’s especially useful for families who find themselves locked in daily power struggles over chores , homework , routines , or rules . Big idea (in plain language) When you ask skillfully instead of tell reflexively , you reduce power struggles and increase cooperation. Kids resist being controlled, but they respond better when they feel they have some choice. Why this works Defiance usually comes from a sense of lost control. Kids with ODD are extra sensitive to this—they push back to prove they’re not being dominated. By shifting your language from telling to asking, you reframe the moment: instead of “You can’t make me,” the child thinks, “I get to decide how I do this.” That change in mindset makes compliance more likely. The 5-Step “Ask, Don’t Tell” Method 1) Regulate yourself...

Introduction: When the Dust Settles After Conflict When a defiant teenager storms out of the room, leaving behind slammed doors and wounded feelings, both parent and teen often retreat to their corners—hurt, frustrated, and unsure how to move forward. Parents describe the aftermath as if someone “sucked the air out of the house.” There is tension, quiet resentment, and a heavy sense that something important has been broken. And in many ways, something has been damaged: trust. Respect . A sense of emotional safety . But the good news is that these things are not permanently destroyed. Teens are remarkably capable of rebuilding when given structure, time, and a parent who leads the repair with steadiness rather than shame. This chapter is about that repair—how to mend the emotional bond that makes discipline possible. Without trust, consequences become meaningless, rules invite rebellion, and conversations turn into power struggles. But with trust, the exact same strategies suddenly...