When the Father Lets the Kids Get Away with Bad Behavior

Question: I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do?

Click here for my response...

Our granddaughter is in more trouble...

"This morning I've discovered that our situation with our granddaughter is more troubled than my original thought of disrespect and disobedience….Lying has increased to almost a way of daily life for her. I discovered a flask containing alcohol under her mattress and a notebook with entries outlining making out with boys, sneaking out, smoking and the fact that she hates my husband and myself. She is nearly 14 and has lived with us for the past 8 years. Her parents divorced before she was a year with her Dad as custodian care taker. Once he remarried there was real trouble with step mother and step sisters. At age 5, she lived with her Mom & step-dad til she came to us at age 6…her mother is not in a position morally or financially to have her with her so we made the commitment to raise her. She has strong feelings of rejection from both parents which is only natural. She struggles with keeping more than one friend at a time. My question is that upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings? Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her? Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well? Any advice you might offer would be appreciated. Our concern was not to 'corner' her into doing something drastic but to let her know that we know the truth and offer to help with solutions. Thank you, S.S."

___________________________

Hi S.,

Let's take each of your questions in turn:

...upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes ...the strategy you may want to use to go about this is in the Online Version of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a

Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her?

>>>>>>>>>> Not necessarily, but it might be the polite thing to do to keep them in the loop. Maybe wait until after you confront your granddaughter to update them. Also, I think it would be better NOT to invite the absentee parents to the confrontation.

Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not yet.

1. Re: possession of alcohol: use the strategy in the link above

2. Re: lying: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying

3. Re: sneaking out: refer to the section "What to do when you want something from your kid" in this chapter: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

4. Re: smoking: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a

under this headline --"I'm pretty sure my daughter is smoking cigarettes. I hate the thought that she is doing this to herself, especially at such a young age. Any ideas?"

5. Re: hates my husband & myself: She doesn't hate you, rather she loves you but is angry with you -- and this anger (which is really about her parents) gets misdirected toward you. Thus be patient with her and let her have her anger -- she will not be talked out of it. (Notice I said "be patient" rather than "you should feel sorry for her and over-indulge her to compensate for the bad cards she has been dealt").

Keep me posted.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

==> MyOutOfControlTeen.com

It's been hard to take this back seat...

Hello Mark,

I know I have not been very diligent in corresponding. I will tell you ever since I made the statement to my son, "As a parent, I know I've made some mistakes in my parenting decisions. And I realize, as a parent, I have an obligation to you to make some changes." With that, I included: "...although I don't know what those changes are, completely, I can tell you that as they come up I will discuss them openly with you and we can come to agreements together, something we both can live with."

I've completely stepped back from 'hounding' him about grades and his bedroom...both of which he has taken responsibility, for that I am so grateful! I said to him that I can't do it for him when it comes to school and that he is solely responsible for whether he wants to successfully graduate high school and move on to college.

That said, it's been hard to take this back seat, but it's paying off and he's becoming more responsible. We attended a College Fair last month and it was his idea! I'm glad to say he's at least starting to think about college seriously.

Thanks again and I'm sure I'll be in touch.

R.V. (parent of a 16 year old young man)

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

What will your program teach me?

I have a 15-year-old who is driving me crazy. He talks back. He is always fussing on the phone with his girlfriend. Its his way or no way, and I am going out of my mind. I sometimes wish he was at boarding school. My nerves are out of control. What will your program teach me, and why should I buy it?

________________________

Hi P.,

>>>>>>>>>> Why should you join my program?

Because I have the best offer on the internet. If you don't believe me, try to find a better deal -- you won't!

My website is ranked #1 in MSN and #2 in Yahoo for parenting out-of-control kids.

When you download "My ODD Child" eBook, you will automatically become a member of Online Parent Support. As a member you will have access to the following:

1) Your online parent coach - me
2) The online version of "My ODD Child" eBook
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5) 7 Power Point presentations used during the seminar
6) 2 videos used during the seminar
7) 10 videos that demonstrate "how to make money online" (for the single moms & dads who get little or no financial help from their child's other parent)
8) Access to my website
9) Online Parent Support Chat Room
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16) Access to free government grants for families and women
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>>>>>>>>>> What will my program teach you?

What to do when your child --
1. Abuses alcohol
2. Abuses drugs
3. Applies guilt trips
4. Applies insults
5. Argues with adults
6. Believes the rules don't apply to him
7. Blames others for his behavior
8. Blames others for his problems
9. Calls you names (e.g., "bitch," "asshole," etc.)
10. Deliberately annoys people
11. Destroys property in the house
12. Does not feel responsible for her actions
13. Does not take “no” for an answer
14. Engages in self-injury or cutting
15. Feels entitled to privileges
16. Gets caught shoplifting
17. Gets into trouble with the law
18. Gets suspended or expelled from school
19. Has a learning disability
20. Has an eating disorder
21. Has been sexually abused
22. Has frequent anger outbursts
23. Has problems with authority figures
24. Has problems with siblings
25. Is bullied at school or in the neighborhood
26. Is depressed
27. Is failing academically
28. Is getting into trouble with chat rooms
29. Is grieving the loss of a family member or friend
30. Is hanging with the wrong crowd
31. Is having unprotected sex
32. Is manipulative and deceitful
33. Is parented by a adoptive parent
34. Is parented by a divorced or separated parent
35. Is parented by a foster parent
36. Is parented by a grand parent
37. Is parented by a single parent
38. Is parented by a step parent
39. Is physically aggressive
40. Is resentful and vindictive
41. Is sexually abusive
42. Is touchy and easily annoyed by others
43. Is verbally abusive
44. Is very disrespectful
45. Lacks motivation
46. Leaves the house without permission
47. Lies
48. Refuse to do chores
49. Refuses to follow rules
50. Runs away from home
51. Skips school
52. Smokes cigarettes
53. Slips out at night while you are asleep
54. Steals
55. Suffers with ADHD
56. Suffers with Bi-Polar Disorder
57. Suffers with Conduct Disorder
58. Teases or bullies others
69. Threatens suicide
60. Uses excessive profanity

If you can find a better deal than this for under 30 bucks, you better take it.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter Caught Smoking

Question:

Do you have a tried and true discipline for a teenage daughter who is caught smoking?

Answer:

Sorry. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes:

You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! In fact, she will enjoy turning this into a game (i.e., I'll play "sneaking a smoke without mom knowing").

But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your daughter smokes on the property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents