She is an only child. Does this make a difference?

My fifteen year old daughter has always had problems with making and keeping friends. Its heart breaking when she never gets invitations to parties or sleep-overs. Is it too late to help her? She is an only child, does this make a difference?

__________________

Hi S.,

The fact that your daughter is an only child does make a difference, but not a BIG one. Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own and become very self-sufficient. Parents can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop.

Only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities. An only child's environment forces her to take on characteristics of extraversion despite natural inclinations toward introversion. A naturally introverted child must show extraverted qualities if she wishes to make friends. But take heart, the development of extraverted qualities can be learned, and with time, an element of extroversion becomes habit.

Of course, very few humans are strictly extraverted or introverted. To call an only child “introverted” would be to imply that the child developed into his/her natural tendency toward that certain personality type with little influence from the environment.

Nonetheless, environment forces the only child to struggle against his/her natural tendencies in order to function normally. Perhaps this struggle helps explain some of the common characteristics that emerge among only children, such as the tendency to not participate in many activities, but leading the ones in which they do participate. An only child tends to be more conscientious, more socially dominant, less agreeable, and less open to new ideas compared to the child who has siblings.

Therefore, she can choose to practice “approaching people” …she can practice speaking to people …and she can practice being interested in what others say and do. This will feel very abnormal at first, but with time, it will become habit. She can choose to have time alone – and she can choose to have times where she is “a part of” rather than “separate from.”

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Treatment for ODD

Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

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Hi B. & D.,

RE: Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD?

Residential treatment is not recommended for the treatment of ODD. Parent management training (PMT) is the recommendation because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the children and their parents.

PMT consists of procedures with which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their child's problem behavior in the home.

PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood.

These patterns develop when parents inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a child by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents, who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests, usually fail to provide positive attention; often, the parents have infrequent positive interactions with their children.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly as the result of repeated, ineffective, emotionally expressed commands and comments; ineffective harsh punishments; and insufficient attention and modeling of appropriate behaviors.

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook provides parents the training needed in disrupting negative behavior problems associated with ODD.

RE: How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

The exact number of cases of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in the U.S. in not known. ODD is the most common psychiatric problem in children. Over 5% of all children have this. In younger children it is more common in boys than girls, but as they grow older, the rate is the same in males and females.

What's the difference with ADHD and ADD?

My son has recently been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. He is almost 10 years old. He is really good at school, but he has the defiance problem away from school. My question deals with the ADHD. I see him as having problems with concentration at school, but he is NOT hyper at all. What's the difference with ADHD and ADD? Why don't they diagnose it as that instead?

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Hi B.,

About 15% of ADHD children are ADHD without hyperactivity. Children with ADHD without hyperactivity are different in many ways from ADHD kids.

-- They often have lower energy than normal.

-- They are less assertive than normal. As a result, they are usually quite popular in school compared to ADHD kids.

-- They are much more likely to have learning disorders (especially Math) than ADHD kids.

-- They are much less likely to have ODD or conduct disorders.

-- They usually do not get identified early in school.

-- They are more likely to quietly daydream and never accomplish much. As a result, they do a good job of staying out of the teacher’s radar.

--They have a tendency to just drift through school (their body is in attendance, but not their mind).

Hope this answers your question,

Mark

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

I am depressed and sad all the time ...

Hi Mark, Very hard few days - one thing after another. She [daughter] had school disco Friday night. She carried on about underwear, which I had actually just washed. Went on and on. Sat night was about cranberry sauce. She ran out of the house to her dad’s - very annoying. I am feeling very tired. I was going out but to tired - just want to sit. I can't seem to show no emotion. Sometimes I can, but last night she made me cry, how much can you take. She ran back to my ex and said horrible horrible things about me and my partner. Thursday night she ran out of her piano concert. I have a job now but can't make stats probably loose it. I am depressed and sad all the time - just want to close eyes and dream of being far away. Beach somewhere sipping cocktail. No worries - like my twenties. ~ J.

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Hi J.,

These feelings you are having are very common for parents with out-of-control kids.

Here is a list of symptoms parents can expect to experience when dealing with their difficult child:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Apathy
• Anger
• Guilt ("If only I had done . . .”)
• Shame (“I’m not a very good parent.”)
• Sleep disturbances
• Loss of appetite
• Increased cravings for junk food
• Withdrawal from others
• Irritability
• Intense sadness or tears when a memory is triggered
• Loneliness, or a sense of separateness from your kid
• Numbness

Dealing with a strong-willed, out-of-control kid is very exhausting and trying. It will take about 25% of all your emotional, mental, and physical resources. You have to take care of yourself in ways you would not have to if your child was not so difficult. This includes things like:

• Go out weekly away from this kid and your home with your spouse or significant other.
• Get adequate exercise.
• Make sure you have some hobby you enjoy and can do when things get chaotic at home.
• Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency.
• Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time.
• Talk regularly about your parenting struggles with someone you trust.
• Accept help and support when offered.
• Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns.
• Keep reminding yourself that your responses are normal responses to a stressful situation.
• Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
• Have moments of prayer and meditation.
• Do things that feel good to you--take baths, read, exercise, watch television, spend time with friends, fix yourself a special treat, or whatever else feels nurturing and self-caring.
• Allow yourself to cry, rage, and express your feelings when you need to. Try not to numb your feelings with alcohol or drugs. This will only complicate your situation.

Finally, if you are having difficulty showing no emotion, then you are giving your daughter too much power. She can’t make you spit …she can’t make you stand on your head …she can’t make you mad …she can’t make you sad …she can’t make you happy …she simply does not have that kind of power over you.

If you cry, or get angry, or whatever -- this will be a choice that you – and you alone - make. You are in charge of your emotions -- not your daughter. And if you choose to react strongly to her negative behavior, she will continue with that behavior.

In summary, (a) take care of yourself, and (b) don’t give your power away.

Please stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Am I better off forcing my son to go to counseling...?

Mark,

Thank you for your email. We've been having problems with our 13-year-old son and recently saw a counselor last week, which was with both my husband and I. After a very bad evening, I found your website and purchased your book which described my "out of control teenager" perfectly.

Am I better off forcing my son to go to the counselor or trying your steps first? He obviously does not want counseling. He is not a problem in school or anything else he does. He is a very well liked boy who is extremely athletic, good looking and smart. Unfortunately, he does not like rules and always wants to be in charge. The outbursts occur only at home, but obviously we have severe concerns on his disruptiveness to the home.

Thanks for your help.

P.V.

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Hi P.,

Counseling is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that doesn't usually work very well. I see many cases in which it makes a bad problem worse. I would predict that this will be the case for you as well.

Just get into the ebook and begin digesting the material. Email me as you go along. This will be a much better route for you.

Stay in touch,

Mark

www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

I want him out of the house...

I am a single parent. Could you give me any tips on how to get a 13-year-old to get out of the house on weekends instead of staying in with me? The only way to get him out is if I buy him a game or something he wants to do. But I cannot always afford this.

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Hi L.,

Here are a few ideas that your son could do either at home or away from home:

1. Bake bread
2. Bake cookies or a cake
3. Help cook dinner
4. Do soap carving
5. Go and visit grandparents
6. Go bike riding together
7. Go bowling
8. Go camping
9. Go fishing
10. Go swimming
11. Go to a movie
12. Go to the library
13. Go wading in a creek
14. Go window-shopping
15. Have a bonfire
16. Have a family meeting to discuss whatever
17. Have a family picnic in the park
18. Have a late evening cookout
19. Have a barbeque
20. Have a water balloon fight in the backyard
21. Learn a new game
22. Make candles
23. Make caramel corn
24. Make homemade ice cream
25. Plan a vacation
26. Plant a tree
27. Play basketball
28. Play cards
29. Play Frisbee
30. Put a puzzle together
31. Roast marshmallows
32. Share feelings
33. Sit on the porch and watch cars go by
34. Take a hike through downtown
35. Take a walk through the woods
36. Take a walk through your neighborhood
37. Go to a school play
38. Take pictures
39. Take flowers to a friend
40. Take a walk in the rain
41. Stargazing
42. Visit a college campus
43. Visit a museum
44. Visit a relative
45. Visit different parks in town
46. Visit the fire station
47. Visit the neighbors
48. Watch a television show together
49. Work on a family scrapbook
50. Write letters to friends

You get the idea. I'm sure you can be creative and come up with even better ideas,

Mark

www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

We are really emotionally drained...

Hi E. & P.,

I’ve responded to your comments point by point below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

Mark, I just had a conversation with our daughter last evening as she is going out and telling everyone that we do not support her in her future endeavor in sports.

>>>>>>>>>>> I hear you saying that your daughter is mad because you are not on the same page with her regarding college (justifiably so).

We pay for everything she does with sports, she has been on national development teams, we go to every game, every tournament, and we tell her what a great game she played.

>>>>>>>>>>> You are paying for everything? What is she doing to “earn” these things?

She seems to put herself on a higher pedestal than what she actually has. She has been cutting, suicidal, etc.

>>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the section of the ebook on cutting.

She won't take her meds on a regular basis, but she is disappointed when we're not excited about her possibilities with college.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, you have no control over whether or not she takes her meds. That’s her job, and the more responsibility you take for this (e.g., lecturing or nagging her to take her meds), the less responsibility she will take.

We are far too busy just trying to keep her alive and non-suicidal. I can't imagine her existing in a college environment when she has proven she has trouble existing in a high school one.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not trying to minimize here, but the “suicidal” kids I work with are not suicidal at all, they simply try to push everybody’s “worry buttons” as a manipulation. Again, I’m not saying to ignore her talk of suicide, but don’t let her use this as a weapon against you (i.e., a way for her to get her way).

What do we do at this point? My thought last evening was “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” We are really emotionally drained after the last two years as parents.

>>>>>>>>>> If you are emotionally drained, then you have taken on too much responsibility.

I think it is entirely possible that you have been over-protective (a form of over-indulgence). Your daughter will live up to – or down to – your expectations. For example, if you view her as helpless, unable, weak, incompetent, etc., she will live down to that expectation you have of her. Conversely, if you view her as a ‘work in progress’ and as someone who is going to do just fine in life in spite of her challenges, she will live up to that expectation.

You hit the nail on the head when you had the thought “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” Make this one little adjustment though: “here you go …we’re here for you when you need us …you can do it …I’ve got faith in you!”

Should she have a shot at college? Absolutely! What if she doesn’t make it? Then she will have learned a valuable lesson that will help her in her next venture.

Please keep me posted,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com