Our son is in a long-term mental health facility.

Our son is in a long-term mental health facility. We do not know where to turn for advice. His therapist is recommending that we put him into a group home. She does not believe that the treatment he is receiving will have any affect on our family life and that he will never be able to return home. This is frustrating because he is there to get help for his aggression and depression. He feels unloved and we wonder if she is helping him feel that way. Why are we paying these people to help our son when their answer is that there is no hope? We don't know who we should contact or what we can do to help our son and ourselves. We want to be a happy family, but they don't seem to share that goal. We will be visiting him on the 23rd of this month. Can you offer us any guidance on this? Thank you for your support. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

M. & D.

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Hi M. & D.,

My day job involves working with teens/pre-teens and their parents. I work with these families in their homes. All of these kids have a variety of behavioral and mental health problems (e.g., adhd, odd, cd, ocd, bipolar, asperger’s, tourette’s, etc.). All of them were formerly in placement somewhere and have been returned to the home. I help parents re-learn how to parent their out of control, “unconventional” kids with the use of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

If they were to continue to parent their children using “conventional” parenting strategies, it wouldn’t be long before the child would have to be removed from the home again. Why? Because “conventional” parenting strategies BACKFIRE when used with “unconventional” kids.

I use the term “unconventional.” More familiar labels are “problem child,” “abnormal child,” “dysfunctional child” and so on. Whatever term you want to use, the bottom line is this: If you will use the strategies outlined in my eBook, and if you will use me as your parent coach via email over the next several months, there is absolutely no reason why your son cannot come back home and live a normal life.

It is never too late …there is no problem that is too big …and there is no need to continue living as a worried, defeated parent. But you cannot parent your son like you would a “normal” or “average” child. And you’ll have to take care of yourself in ways you wouldn’t have to if your son were not so strong-willed and out of control.

If you will “hunker down” and prepare yourself for the hard work ahead, I’ll be there for you as often as you need my assistance. We can get him returned home, and we can get him behaving in an acceptable manner within a few weeks. If you will take a step of faith here and make a commitment to making a few changes in the way you parent, then you will experience the same success as hundreds of other parents who were in the same boat as you are now.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How do I find the kind of help he needs?

The younger boy is the kid who is acting out. He's lunging at his older brother and the fight ensues. This boy is also smoking pot, has talked about trying LSD, throws things, ditches school, cussing, has kicked opened my car door so hard then slammed it so hard that the door doesn't close right anymore, etc. He has even stuck me in the arm.

I'm at the point where the consequence is calling the police, which I don't want to do. When I've sat down to talk to him, red flags started popping up. I want to get him counseling and anger management help. I don't know where to start. How do I find the kind of help he needs?

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Putting out small fires is about 99.99% easier than putting out larger ones. When the fire is as big as you have described, you must have some outside assistance. Calling the police will have little benefit. Out of control kids love intensity, and calling the police will reward his negative behavior. You'll need to go to your local juvenile probation department (without your son) and file an incorrigibility complaint. In this way, your bark will have some bit. Once on probation, your child will be directed toward the behavioral modification treatment he needs.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He chose to steal 2 games from the local Kmart...

Dear Mark,

Thank you for the great e-mails. I have a 16 year old, out of control son, that was diagnosed with ODD in September. I had him attend counseling after a series of bad grades in school. He chose to steal 2 games from the local Kmart, refuses to do his homework, refuses to go to bed at night & get up in the morning, and wanders the halls in school.

He then in September was expelled for a week from school after he took 2 Ipods from one locker & put them into another. The boy's parents pressed charges & we went to court. He was put on probation for 6 months, has community service, is required to keep his grades up, and wrote an apology letter to the person from which he stole. You would think he would feel some sort of remorse? He sees this as a thorn in his side. Even the class on theft that he will be attending doesn't seem like it is going to make him think. It's like he has no fear.

The only things that are important to him are playing his guitar, talking on the phone and being on the computer. Surprise, surprise, I know...he's a teenager. But the thing is he used to be a straight A student, attended Math Masters in the State of MN, and was an academic All star. Skinny legged-girls jeans, dying his hair, and piercings along with MySpace has now taken the place of these other things. He only does what he has to so he doesn't fail in school, and it seems to be getting worse.

I went through a divorce 6 years ago, but all of this is just in the last 12 months. I don't know how to help him anymore. I don't want him to mess up the last 2 1/2 years that he has left in school and want desperately for him to go back to being that compassionate young man that he used to be...please help.

Thank you,

K.N.

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Hi K.,

I've summarized the problems here:

--ODD

--bad grades

--stealing

--doesn't do homework

--sleep problems

--skips class

--legal problems

--unable to empathize

All of this is covered in my eBook. Have you read it yet? If not, please do. Then please email me with a specific question. To address all the above problems in one email will take hours to address properly. Please don't wait any longer to address these problems, because it WILL continue to get worse -- and you have a lot on your plate at this point.

Thank you,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I could really use some help...

I really could use some help with dealing with my 9-year-old son, who may be dealing with this ODD disorder. He is very disrespectful towards myself, and I am his mother, also to his siblings not quite as bad, and a tiny bit with his father. He is fine with his friends and does great in school. I don't feel that physically hitting him is going to make the situation any better and is only making him resent me even more. How can I go about getting an accurate diagnose for his behaviors? Thanks, you may email me @ anytime.

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ODD is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When ODD is present with ADHD, depression, Tourette's, anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. For Example, ADHD plus ODD is much worse than ADHD alone, often enough to make people seek treatment. The criteria for ODD are:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

1. Often loses temper

2. Often argues with adults

3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. Often deliberately annoys people

5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. Is often angry and resentful

8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

All of the criteria above include the word "often". But what exactly does that mean? Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. These researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:

Is spiteful and vindictive

Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:

Is touchy or easily annoyed by others

Loses temper

Argues with adults

Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:

Is angry and resentful

Deliberately annoys people

The usual pattern is for problems to begin between ages 1-3. A lot of these behaviors are normal at age 2, but in this disorder they never go away. It does run in families. If a parent is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law, their children are almost three times as likely to have ODD.

ODD is diagnosed in the same way as many other psychiatric disorders in children. You need to examine the child, talk with the child, talk to the parents, and review the medical history. Sometimes other medical tests are necessary to make sure it is not something else. You always need to check children out for other psychiatric disorders, as it is common the children with ODD will have other problems, too.

What can parents do? They can use the strategies outline in my eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Mark Hutten, M.A.

How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues?

Hi Mark. Have been using your strategies with my younger son (13), who by the way is not a child with tremendous challenges like my eldest son and many of your on-line parents’ children. I have been getting great positive behaviour responses, and I have become comfortable in using your strategies.

I can't recall when we have had such great conversations about what he would like to achieve and how he would like to increase his pocket money if he completed extra chores at home. He has moved away from an expected weekly allowance to ensuring he has completed what we agreed to for the money to even looking at other ways he can help me.

The only area I am having difficulties is when we recently watched a news report about teenage drinking, and drugs I asked him what he thought about the use of drugs and how they affected people. He answered, “I know all about it” and did not want to talk about it. I can only guess he relates these issues with what his brother is going through and tries not to worry about him. How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues??

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Hi,

You’re assuming he needs to talk about these issues. I know you’re worried about him, but if he needs to talk, he will – probably not to you however (no offense). He will most likely “vent his spleen” to his peers rather than any adult.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com