17 Year Old Daughter Living with 20 Year Old Boyfriend

Mark, I have been reading your ebook, and the information in it is very good. However, my 17 yr old daughter has moved out and is now living with her 20 yr old boyfriend, whom she only met a month ago. He is on methadone and I have also learned other terrible things about him. One parent had to have a restraining order put against him because he wouldn't leave her daughter alone, and there is probably even more that I don't know about.

My daughter went to his house (his parent's home) and told them she was kicked out, (she was not), and when I went there to find out what was going on and to get her to come home, she told me to f--- myself. She has never used this language on me,

We don't use that language in my house. She has not been raised this way, both her father and I have tried to encourage her to do good in school, we don't let her stay out all hours, she has a curfew, and for the most part, one of us picks her up at night. I never go to bed until she is home.

Now, she has left and seems quite pleased with herself, no ‘good-byes’ to her 2 sisters, no ‘I am sorry for what I said’. I am running low on batteries; I don't know how much more I can take. I love my child and she is in dangerous water with this guy. How do I handle this?

Today, they got an apartment. His income is not enough to live on. I am sure she will quit school now to get a job. She will probably end up pregnant, and who knows what this guy is capable of. Plus, this is her first real relationship. I feel that everyday, I am loosing her more and I don't know how to proceed.

She has a good home. I am heart broken, and I am trying to act normal for the sake of my other two kids. Her grandparents are sick about this. I don't know what to do. It is like I had 3 daughters, now I have two, overnight. Can you help me?

__________

First, let’s be clear on the primary tenet, which will be the foundation for my recommendations: Our primary goal as parents should be to foster the development of self-reliance.

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, many children respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some follow through with this threat.

But, in the case of a 17-year-old, we are dealing with a young adult. Thus, she is old enough to make her own decisions, even if they are bad decisions. Your efforts to protect her from bad decisions WILL make a bad problem worse. She must be able to make mistakes – it’s how she learns! Allow her to make her own choice – even if the choice is a poor one in your estimation. If, for example, she returns home (which is likely -- after a huge break-up with this boyfriend) and wants to violate a house rule, let her do it, and then simply issue a consequence.

Simply state the house rules and the consequences for violating house rules. If she doesn’t want to abide by your rules, she can live elsewhere. In any event, do not loosen-up your expectations for compliance regarding house rules. Again, this is her choice: (a) live with mom and dad and play by their rules, or (b) live elsewhere under my own set of rules and deny myself the comforts of home.

It is very possible to support her (a) even if she lives elsewhere and (b) as she begins the process of separating from the “nest.” She is making an effort to become self-reliant, and this is a good thing. She will likely learn a very valuable life lesson with this boyfriend. I know you are terribly concerned for her safety. But you have no control at this time. And, again, attempts to control the situation will most likely make a bad problem worse.

Reward her for seeking self-reliance and provide a lot of encouragement in this area. She will live up to – or down to – your expectations of her. If you convey an attitude that she is too immature and incompetent to survive away from the nest, she will take your attitude as instruction to fail out in the real world. On the other hand, if you convey an attitude of trust in her capabilities, she will become capable.

Again, pick your battles carefully. This falls into the category of “things you cannot control,” and attempts to control it will most likely backfire.

Be patient with your daughter as she pushes against the world to see how it responds. Old habits are hard to break. It may take awhile for her to understand that you are serious and will no longer be controlled by her emotional outbursts or manipulations. Keep your cool and continue about your day, not letting her see the frustration you may feel. And always, always, follow through with the consequence that you have described to her should she return home (or visit home) and violate a house rule. Be consistent. Most importantly, when she makes the right decision, be sure to give her a big hug and let her know how proud of her you.

Trust that things will work out for the best in the long run …detach from the outcome …and have faith in yourself as a parent, trusting that you have laid down a solid foundation for your daughter such that she will be able to be a responsible adult sooner rather than later.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Click here for more help...

She lied to us...

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your quick response. We have a situation in our home at the moment and my husband and I have differing views on consequences for an action.

Situation: One of our 17-year-old triplet girls is very social always on the go. Last weekend she was to sleep at a friend’s with 2 other girls. She called when she arrived to let us know she was there for the night.

Yesterday she admitted to us (because she thought we were going to receive a phone call) that they went back out to pick up a friend. When they arrived at the friend's house, kids started showing up with alcohol and "barged in." They had heard that the girl's mother was out of town.

I later found out from my daughter that they stayed for the party, and spent the night at this girl's house because they had to help her clean up.

I have told my daughter that I am disappointed in her judgment. She has compromised our trust in her. We have guidelines in our house that if they ever find themselves in such a situation they are to call us and we will come a get them, no questions and no punishment.

She lied to us, stayed somewhere with no parental supervision, and would have deceived us further by not telling us if her friends mom had not said she was calling.

I feel that her punishment be a longer-term punishment (i.e., earlier curfew, call when she gets to her destination, when she leaves etc.). A much closer eye on her to let her understand that she must earn our trust back. My husband feels she should have a consequence, but says she will be away next year at college and we won't know what she is doing. I want her to learn good judgment especially since she will be away.

I would love a 3rd person's opinion. She is really a good kid, honor roll, this is only the second time we have had a punishment issue with her. I don't know how much I don't know!

Thank you

D. M.

________________

Hi D.,

Several months ago, I received an email from a parent who had gone through the same experience. I’ll simply refer you to my response to this mother’s inquiry here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

The above is my ongoing recommendation for teens and ‘alcohol drinking episodes’.

Please stay in touch,
Mark

I feel betrayed...

Mark,

Last evening our daughter who is living out of our home came home and she said she is going to write us a letter of all the things she is feeling. She tells her dad when she wants to do homework that I am always yelling at her because something else needs to be done.

The last time I wanted help to clean the laundry room which she had agreed to help with but she hollers at me, mom, can't you leave me alone I’m trying to do homework. I thought ok, fair enough but when I checked later she spent all afternoon chatting to friends on the computer and little homework would have been done.

When your children need computers for homework now, do you control them not being on the chatline otherwise? I always felt this was trust and now I feel betrayed. Any suggestions? She also does not want us to respond to her letter, but I feel we have a right to let her know what our feelings are on the whole situation also.

___________

Hi E. & P.,

Out of control kids often use “homework” as an excuse to avoid doing chores. If she has a chore to do, then give her a choice: She can choose to do the chore within the next 5 minutes, or she can choose the consequence for NOT doing it – it’s her choice. More on this here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

Re: computer use for homework.

Out of control kids often say they are doing their “homework” when in fact they are on MySpace (or something similar). The computer should be viewed as just another toy (i.e., a privilege, not a right). Thus, if she abuses the privilege, the toy should be taken away. If she complains that she will get into trouble with her teachers for not doing her “homework,” then she will get a double consequence – one at home and one at school. But that would be her choice.

Mark

I'm a disabled parent...

Hello...

I'm a disabled parent of two adopted twin boys who are getting WAY out of my control. Are there any special parenting strategies for parents with disabilities?

J.J.

_____________

Hi J.,

In all honesty, "special parenting strategies" are not needed just because you are disabled. You may need some "non-traditional" strategies for your strong-willed, out of control boys. But this is because of their intensity -- not your disability.

The strategies in the eBook will work just fine whether or not you are disabled. You need nothing special.

I am interested in a sample of what you claim does work....

{In your sales letter} you have given a lot of examples of what you know doesn't work, but I am interested in a sample of what you claim does work. Can you give me an example of one of your suggestions?

_____________

Hi A.,

Here are just a few strategies that we detail in the eBook. I’ll show you how to:

1. Issue a consequence in a way that gets your child to work with you rather than against you.

2. Learn to differentiate between your kid’s wants and needs.

3. Follow through with the consequence without “nagging” or “arguing.”

4. Deal with your out-of-control kid when he/she resists your new parenting strategies.

5. Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.

6. Give only one warning -- then follow through with a consequence.

7. Foster the development of “self-reliance.”

8. Control YOUR anger as well as help your child with his/her anger.

9. Avoid your child’s guilt-trips.

10. Develop a parenting-plan that is likely to be supported by both parents – even if they are divorced.

11. Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”

12. Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.

13. Take away privileges in a way that influences your child to change unwanted behavior.

14. Avoid pitfalls that accidentally reward your child for negative behavior.

15. Use active listening, empathy, paraphrasing and validation.


I want to show YOU how to be the “therapist” and how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you bring the behavior problems to a grinding halt, but I can’t do it for you!

I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to Join Online Parent Support: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com


Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support

Parents are having a hard time with "tough love"!

“Our son ran after having a fight with his father ‘cause he doesn’t want rules, no curfews'. He'll be 18 in March. All he keeps saying is, 'I will NOT come home unless you agree that I will NOT be punished, and I WILL get my car back, period'. This has been going on for 3 weeks. We can't give in, but are having a hard time with the tough love. We paid for the car, insurance, and have his cell on suspension, but he thinks it's canceled. Any advice?”

Click here for my advice...

Is there any chance I can turn this around?

Hi N., I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>> ===============

Hi Mark,

My daughter this evening started again as usual, this is what happened: I took her clothes up to her bedroom which I had just ironed and asked her to put them in her wardrobe, so she threw them on the floor and laughed at me and told me to get out of her room. So in anger I smacked her. She then picked up a clock and said she would throw it at my head if I didn't get out of her room.

>>>>>>>>>> You are in a power struggle with your daughter, and children always win the power struggles. The Anger Management chapter will shed more light on this: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

A few minutes later she came down stairs saying she hated me she wished I were dead and wants to go to a children home. So I in turn said there is the phone ring them, but I think you will find this home is far nicer place to be. She constantly tries to pick fights with everyone in the family.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> More evidence of a power struggle. Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the out-of-control kid. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue with your out-of-control kid.

In order to end such arguments, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. However, the most effective step, to simply stop arguing, can also be the most difficult. It sounds quite simple, just stop arguing, but in reality, it takes discipline and effort to change the pattern of behavior. By refusing to participate in the argument, the power of the out-of-control kid disappears. The out-of-control kid only continues to have power over you if you allow them to.

To stop the power struggle, prepare yourself ahead of time. Sit down, after your out-of-control kid is in bed for the night and it is quiet, and make a list of the times that you most often argue. Is it getting ready for school, doing homework, completing chores, getting ready for bed, etc? For each situation, determine a few choices that you can give your kid.

When preparing the choices, make sure to list only those that you are willing to carry out. If you are not willing to pick up your out-of-control kid and bring them to school in their pajamas, don’t threaten to or they will know that they still have control of the situation. Once you have decided on the choices you will give your out-of-control kid, stick to them and practice your self-control to not yell. Walk away, leave the room, and wait outside if you have to. But an argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

The final straw was when I said I would ring them myself. She grabbed the phone. I tried to take it off of her and by holding her arm I snatched the phone out of her hand and she now said I hurt her wrist. She goes to bed and I am up feeling really guilty and feeling like the worst parent in the world.

I have downloaded your book have not read it yet. The trouble is with my daughter is not just a teenage thing -- she has always been really spoilt and very difficult. It has just got worse as a teenager. I started a new job in September which in turn leaves the girls (my 2 daughters) home alone for 2 hours everyday after school, my youngest daughters rings me at work constantly telling me my other daughter is been nasty to her.

I told my boss last week I was leaving because I needed to be at home for my children. My eldest daughters response to that was "Great I will have to see you for longer each day now". My youngest daughter 11yrs is the sweetest girl you can imagine, never been any trouble never, seeks attention, yet my other daughter gets all the attention for been so naughty and rude all the time. She didn't even seem bother that I was giving up a job that I need financially.

Another example: She was rude lied and did not come home when she was supposed to so I made a decision that she was not going to a party that she had been invited to a had purchased a lovely new dress for. Instead she came out for a Pizza with myself my husband and my other daughter. She sat opposite her dad in the restaurant and was kicking him under the table, he ignored it, so she continued, then she called him a “dick,” refused to order any food, which we ignored, so she sat there with no food whilst we all eat continually insulting us. Again we ignored her, she then said she was going to walk out of the restaurant and run away, so my husband said "when you get home you are in big trouble.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Ignoring misbehavior is just another traditional parenting strategy that backfires with the strong-willed, out of control child.

The strong-willed, out-of-control kid is 100% successful at getting your attention -- whether it's positive attention or negative attention!

She enjoys energy and attention. She seeks energy and attention from you too (e.g., your being animated, arguing, lecturing, getting angry, threatening him, etc.). Unfortunately, she has discovered that you are much more energetic, attentive and interesting when she misbehaves.

Attention-seeking children are not out to get you as a parent -- they are out to get your energy, intensity and attention. They want you to be exciting to them. Unfortunately, you are much more exciting when things are going wrong.

So, whenever you use a "traditional" parenting strategy (e.g., ignoring misbehavior, arguing, lecturing, getting angry, threatening, slapping, smacking), it is actually a reward to your daughter -- she gets what he wants -- your energy and attention! She is able to push your energy-producing buttons.

On our way home in the car she was kicking the back of my seat calling me names which we ignored, the whole time her sister was telling her to stop, then when we finally get home she as usual tells us how much she hates us. My husband smacked her across her legs. She then shouted I wish you were dead in your dad’s grave. Because she was smacked she then ran out of the house. I was frantic driving around looking for her crying my eyes out because its so dark where I live and not many street lights. My husband called the Police. I did eventually find her. The Police still came round because they said they need to check that she was home and to explain to her how valuable their time is and she should never do this again.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m sure will be sick of hearing me say this by now (please forgive me), but “calling the police” is just another traditional parenting strategy that has no effect. A better strategy will be in the Anger Management chapter under the heading “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

I then tried to let her do what she wants to do but still have rules my husband disagreed with me and said she should be kept in for a month. If I be totally honest the house is far happier when she is not in, so I suppose I'm allowing her to do what she wants for piece and quiet and hopefully keep her happy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>Assertive parenting will be the key to your success as you begin implementing these new non-traditional parenting strategies. Approaching problems assertively is something new to most parents, however.

Most parents have vacillated between passive-parenting and aggressive-parenting. In other words, we let our child have her way time and time again. Then, when we finally had enough and attempted to set some limits, in came in the form of raging at our child. Then we felt guilty for raging and went back to being passive again.

She doesn't respect me she swears at me and tells me that she gets it from me. Yes I have and do swear when she says such nasty hurtful things, that’s just my anger coming out.

I could go on forever with examples. Is there any chance I can turn this around?

Sorry the email so long I'm desperate now!!!

>>>>>>>>> The chances are excellent that you can turn this around. I would ask that you simply read the material and begin implementing it. A good place to start would the humble statement in your session #1 assignments: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/assign1

I’m asking you, the parent, to humble yourself a bit. As soon as possible, say to your daughter something like this:

“I discovered that I’ve made some mistakes in parenting you. And I apologize. But I have an obligation to you to make some changes. I’ll explain each change to you as it comes, and I will give you time to adjust to the change.”

It doesn’t matter how your child responds to this statement. This statement gives your child a “heads-up” that change is coming, and it models that it’s O.K. to do the following:

• admit one’s mistakes
• make amends
• take responsibility
• accept change

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.myoutofcontrolteen.com