I Hate You !!

"I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents). My daughter called, as I requested, but left a vm on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?"

Click here for the answer...

Desperate mom searches for quick fix...

OK, I ordered your book, read some of it by skipping around for now, hoping for an answer to help get me started and so far I have tried all that I have been reading.

My most desperate question involves my son leaving mad, staying out all night or days at a time and not contacting me so I know where he is or whom he is with. I started out with grounding him to the house, which didn't work as he comes and goes, when I am not home, as he pleases.

He went so far as to skip school one day having a "female friend"over and then lied about not going to school. He told me if I didn't ask him questions he wouldn't have to lie to me. I have recently taken his house key and he still left then came back the following evening at knocking on the door because it was locked. I set his book bag outside and told him was not getting in. He responded with "you knew where I was" and I chose not to respond back so he left. I hated doing this but he is constantly leaving and not coming home when he is mad, then calls my daughter's cell phone to see if I am mad....like he has accomplished what he set out to do. I know I am asking a lot seeing as I have just begun your program but as I stated, what I have read, been there done that.

T.

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T.,

Let's do this ...most of the answers to your questions and problems are addressed in the ebook. I would ask that you read the ENTIRE ebook and listen to ALL the audio files. Then email me a specific problem (just one or two at a time).

Take a deep breath. This will take a little time to turn around.

Thank you,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Neurofeedback for ADHD

Hello Mark, Just curious if you have any knowledge about Neurofeedback, EEG and HEG and it's effectiveness. Thanks! D.Z. _________________ Hi D., I do know that Neurofeedback can train the ADHD kid to alter his brain functioning so that he daydreams less and pays attention more (through the use of special software and computer enhanced techniques which allow him to monitor his progress in a videogame format). One of my adolescent clients who tried this couldn't sit still for his Neurofeedback sessions at first. After about the third session he began to enjoy the sessions. By about his tenth session he was more attentive at home and less oppositional. Within six-months his reading and math scores had progressed one grade level. He continues to make grade-appropriate progress in school, but does have occasional setbacks. He goes back periodically for booster sessions. So Neurofeedback is a cool adjunct to the implementation of appropriate parenting strategies for ODD kids. However, it should not be used in lieu of these strategies or as a sole treatment modality. 

 

Mark 

 www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mom Has To Attend Counseling

My child has been removed from the home at this time for approximately 3 to 6 months. He was charged with assault on me for the second time. I asked for some mental evaluations to be done to see if he could get counseling rather than go into state custody and foster care or reform school. So he will be returning home, and I do have to complete some counseling participation myself. Is this program in any way board certified or recognized by the law or state? If you would send me any information you have on that I would appreciate it. Thank you, B. ______________________ Online Parent Support is not certified by any board; however, there are occasions when the Judge has court-ordered a parent to complete the program. I can provide you with a ‘certificate of completion’ in the case where you would be permitted to use our services.

What do we do next?

Hi Mark,

I have wanted to contact you sooner but time has slipped away. I have received your material and have released control of my son's school issues. They are now his responsibility - his grades that is - not his behavior.

He has been grounded since November - the 1st report card ~ even though he was told he would get his privileges back if his progress report showed improvement ~ when the progress report came the grades were still the same. He made no effort. Finally after a constant tense household ~ several conversations - talks about his future and how his grades will effect him ~ calm talks ~ screaming matches~ crying and all of those adjectives I have missed ~ I finally let go. I took your advice and let him become responsible for his schoolwork. From that moment forward I would not email the teachers, make excuses or try to get extra credit to bring up his grade ~ it was now his responsibility.

Now it is a new card marking and he is showing effort. I have not asked him to do his homework ~ I have not questioned him about it ~ I have helped him with it and been positive.

I am less tense and there has not been a constant source of tension (for that I thank you).

He is still grounded from his privileges until he brings his grades up, but when we do see an effort we are rewarding him - last Friday night he was able to have two friends over because of the improvement. Now my question to you is - if the report card comes home and the grades are still bad - and he is still grounded - what do we do next? Since he is already grounded - from cell phone - friends - going places - would we take something else away - the ipod for example - and for how long? Or what would we do.

Bet you are sorry you asked - lol . Just kidding! Thank you.

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Hold on to your horses.

Actually, he shouldn't be grounded at all!!! (You didn't want to hear that, I bet).

Grounding him is just another version of attempting to take responsibility for his academic performance. You wouldn't ground him if he got fired from his job at McDonald's. Getting fired would be the consequence. In the same way, a bad report card is the consequence.

Parents absolutely hate this advice. But when I ask, "Did grounding your kid for the whole grading period make his grades come up?" ...they drop their heads and say, "No ...his grades got worse."

Hang in there. You are doing a great job. Thanks for being moldable.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Can you help me sort this out?

I’ve responded to your email below. Please look for these arrows below >>>>>>>>>>>

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Good Morning,

Thank you for responding to my last set of questions so quickly. I'm a single parent and the guidance and support is greatly appreciated and needed! So ... we got through the first 3 day punishment. Things seem to be getting better, daughter had a better attitude for a few days, etc.

>>>>>>>>> You may want to review "When You Want Something From Your Kid" (in the Anger Management chapter of the online version).

>>>>>>>> step 1: Pick the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., ground for one day with no computer).

>>>>>>>>>step 2 (if needed): If she doesn't accept this discipline (i.e., she gets on the computer anyway, or leaves the house), then take everything away (or at least her favorite items) and ground her for 3 days.


>>>>>>>>>step 3 (if needed): If she violates the 3-day discipline at any point, merely re-start. If she completes the 3-day discipline successfully, but a few days later behaves inappropriately again, return to step 1 rather than jumping to step 3.


Then, yesterday I had to enforce another 3 day restriction. I have been using her computer time because she loves it. First question ... should I try to use other things as well ... it's not a good idea to ALWAYS use the computer time as the first privilege that is taken away is it?

Second issue is that absences from school have been a real problem. So, I've made it clear that going to school is an expectation in our household and is the law in this country. I've been trying very hard to be consistent and not play in to her constant minor ailments to get out of school.

>>>>>>>> You are on track here.

Yesterday, she called from school with a "headache" so instead of picking her up ... I took some Tylenol down to the school and sent her back to class. I also spoke with the school nurse about what was going on. I don't want to seem unsupportive if she's truly ill, but I'm really trying to stand my ground.

>>>>>>>>> You're still on track -- good work.

This morning when I woke her up she was very combative -- yelling, screaming she doesn't want to live with me and she hates me, slamming doors ... so, I imposed another punishment of no phone (along with no computer) for three days. Should I have simply extended the computer restriction to another 3 days or is it ok to take away another privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>Use the steps I listed above.

Lastly, in the course of observing her ...I realized she really was sick. She was coughing like crazy, her eyes were clearly swollen, nose running, etc. I didn't notice when I first woke her up ... of course I just naturally assumed she was faking again. What do I do? Do I still enforce the no phone restriction ... she was probably so combative because she is sick and I wasn't hearing her or even considering the possibility.

>>>>>>>>> If she has a temperature or swollen lymph nodes in her neck, she should stay home; otherwise, she should go to school.

So, of course I feel guilty. I know I can't let guilt guide my decisions and the words in your e-book "better not to start this program at all than to do it half way" keep ringing in my head.

>>>>>>>>>When you feel guilty, remind yourself that will be doing the most harm possible if you choose to enable her (i.e., save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices or irresponsibility).

I just want to do the right thing and I'm committed to making these changes and doing what's best for her. Can you help me sort this out?

>>>>>>>>> You are doing great. Relax and keep it simple though.

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Military School Option

Today's public school system is poorly equipped to handle out of control teenagers. Many teachers will tell you they are afraid of some students. Often times, parents turn to military schools as an option to discipline and educate their out of control teenagers. Military schools, which seemed headed for extinction in the late 1960s and early '70s, have seen enrollments increase steadily in recent years. Many military schools are jammed to capacity and sport long waiting lists, as anxious parents scramble for slots.