Anything to get a response...

"Hi Mark, I was quite impressed with what I read [in your eBook] and realize that I need to get more consistent with my kids (aged 11 and 7). My 11 yo daughter is the strong-willed one. One question I have is how to deal with their fighting. My daughter likes to have constant interaction and even when my son (7) wants to be by himself, she walks by and tries to provoke him, or bully him into playing - anything to get a response. He finally blows up and throws something at her and she claims she did nothing. Often they do play well together, but just as often they bicker, hurl insults, and physically hurt each other. We have gone through phases of ignoring it, sitting them down and trying to get them to work things out (never worked) …now we just send both of them to their rooms for a half an hour or an hour. What is the best tactic? Thanks, L."

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Hi L.,

This may not be true in your case, but what I find most often with parents who say "they tried ignoring the conflict" is this: They "ignored" for a short period of time, but then got feed-up, intervened to protect the younger one, and poured on a bunch of intensity while "things were going wrong."

Result:The older sib gets a payoff because she received the parent's intensity by pushing her "anger" button, and the younger one gets a payoff because he received the parent's intensity by pushing her "protection" button. Because of the 'payoff', the "problem" is reinforced ( i.e., behavior is rewarded and therefore repeated).

Ignoring behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case it is the recommended strategy -- unless physical violence enters the picture (e.g., throwing things at one another, hitting, pushing, etc.). When the kids become violent, the parent will do best by using the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

I hope this answers your question adequately. If you need any clarification regarding the strategy listed above, don't hesitate to email again.

Mark

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It Was Just A "Mistake"

Initially I signed on as a teacher looking for signs and strategies to deal with high school-age students. I am now seeing some of the behaviours I was afraid of in my own son, now 13.

This weekend we were invited to a family friend's cottage. They gave him several gifts, but when we returned home, it appears as if he may have stolen from them. Specifically, the boys (adults and children) went out fishing. My son borrowed a fishing lure from our host and caught a nice fish with it. The next day the lure was in his tackle box. When confronted he denied stealing it and claimed it must have been a mix-up. Maybe he put his in our host's tackle box and kept the host's.

We made him call the owner a report the "mistake" and make arrangements to make the exchange the next time we were in town. Despite all opportunities to confess his wrongdoing he maintains that he is innocent. I don't believe it. What do I do next?

K.

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You've done all you need to do (i.e., had your son call the owner with plans to return the item). I doubt that you will get a confession out of your son. He's probably embarrassed about getting caught and wants to save face at this point.

You're probably right - he took the lure - but if you have no evidence that he did this on purpose, then you should not issue a consequence for "stealing" - or "lying."

I think he learned something from the experience.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Abort or Adopt?

Teen Pregnancy: The Pros & Cons of Abortion

In the U.S., ‘teen’ abortion accounts for nearly 20% of all procedures of this nature. The average age of those receiving abortions is dropping from 19 to 17. Although the teen pregnancy rate has declined in the United States over the last ten years, the percentages have actually increased.

Teens are more likely to: (a) make a snap judgment and try to cover up their pregnancy from their parents by having an abortion; (b) to report having wanted to keep the baby, higher levels of feeling misinformed in pre-abortion counseling, less satisfaction with abortion services and greater post-abortion stress; and (c) use immature coping strategies such as projection of their problems on to others, denial, or "acting out."

Teens who abort are: (a) 2 to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than adults who abort (a history of abortion is likely to be associated with adolescent suicidal thinking); (b) more likely to develop psychological problems; and (c) nearly three times more likely to be admitted to mental health hospitals than teens in general.

My son made somewhat of an about-face-turn...

Mark,

Thanks for the email. My son made somewhat of an about-face-turn a couple of months ago. Things aren't always perfect everyday, but he seems to have really grown. My being patient & truly listening seemed to make him respect me more. He has made a lot of promises that I intend to help him keep. He promises to do much better in school his last two years. He has some making up to do. But I have no doubt he will pull through.

I allowed the purchase of another vehicle, a 1996 Mustang, as he thought he had a job, through a friend of his, but the job didn't happen. He knows I can't afford another vehicle 100% & his dad doesn't help a whole lot, so I try to keep him positive in continuing in his job search. His part in it will be to repay me half, $2000. I work about 45 minutes from home, so another vehicle really was needed when he does find one. And too, I figured it would give him something to appreciate since he seems to be making wiser choices.

The other night the two of us watched the movie "Life As A House". It is rated R, but at almost 17, I thought he would be able to relate to it quite well. I think it really made him think a bit. I think this movie has a great message.

I think the most difficult thing for me, as somewhat of a co-dependant person, I worked at this for years, was to let him take those risks & chances that he wanted & needed to take on his own. In turn, as he has shown more respect & maturity, he gains more independence.

Thank you for your help & support. Thank you for your continued e-mails. There were days that it did & still does keep me motivated. Thank you for caring about all of our children. They are our Nation’s future.

And with that said, I hope my 13 year old son doesn't give me as much grief. But if he does, maybe I will be all the wiser.

Thank you,

K.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Pick Your Battles Carefully

HI Mark,

Thanks for checking in. Life is okay for now. We booted our oldest daughter out after the party in the house, she is now living in an apartment with a friend, so things have really gotten better at home, not having that stress. She seems to be doing okay. I don’t like her partying, but she is starting college in the fall and will be working, so hopefully that
will tone down.

I do have a question. I have a 12 year old daughter at home now, that is wonderful don’t get me wrong. But I was curious, when I am issuing her a consequence she rolls her eyes and looks away very upset with arms crossed and often storms out of the room and slams her door. Is this something that I should have an issue with? She follows through with the consequences that have been issued, but I just wonder how much I should make of the door slamming and eye rolling. Thanks for your advice.

P.

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Hi P.,

I would put the “eye-rolling/door slamming” in a file named Don’t Fight That Battle. If she’s following through with the consequence, then you win.

However, if she’s damaging the door or door frame, or if she slams so hard that things fall off the shelves and break, then issue a warning: “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence. The door will be removed.” …or “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence – you will be grounded FROM your room (except to sleep, of course).”

If she slams again after the warning, follow through with the consequence. Then, while on discipline, if she doesn’t do any door slamming for 3 days, she gets her door put back on the hinges. (Doors are fairly easy to remove and re-install.)

In any event, do not – DO NOT – let her know that this is irritating to you.

Mark

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"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I would like to say how useful your [audio] CDs are. I was wondering if you had ever considered producing some for the kids??? I am thinking that hearing you talk would link them into information that they need to hear about themselves, about behaviours, about the effects of conditions and the possibilities of how different strategies can bring about alteration and change. My idea is that you educated them, as well as parents. What do you think? I am really hopeful about this idea. Maybe it wouldn't work for some, depending on their nature, but it could work for others.

Thanks for all your support. I really do think that it is time all teachers, social workers, youth workers, mental health doctors, began to further their education with your direction! Go safely.

"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I JUST HAVE TO DO IT...

MARK-

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT ADVICE. I DO UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOUR POINTS. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY TEENS. I WILL PRINT OUT YOUR EMAIL-CONSULTATION AND RE-READ IT MANY TIMES.

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AND I WILL TRY MY BEST. THANKS AGAIN. I AM VERY HAPPY AND COMFORTED THAT I JOINED YOUR CLASS.

T.S.

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