The biggest mistake I made...

Please look for my responses where you see these arrows: ==>

Dear Mr. Hutten:

I would like to speak with you on the phone. To be worth doing at all it will entail some time commitment (say an hour minimum). Are you willing to do this? Would you be willing to make a phone date so I will be sure to have the time free? During school
hours is best.

==> Due to the sheer volume of OPS members I respond to on a daily basis, it would be best to communicate via email.

I have had a lot of success using NVC (non-violent communication) and imagine your program could be integrated into what I already do. The family situation is difficult legally and every other way. You may think you've heard it all but I bet this one has a few new kinks. Actually the child's behavior is not all that bad compared to what I'm reading from other parents. I've done a not bad job I think under extraordinarily bad circumstances.

The biggest mistake I' made was not to sue for guardianship when both of her parents were certifiably incompetent. Instead I kept trying to prop them up, hoping for eventual help and that the kid would have at least parents she could know instead of a vacuum.

But things are at a very critical point right now where poor choices could have far reaching ill effects for her life and education.

In terms of what I've read on your web site: she's moved out from the stricter gramma (me) to the indulgent parent (her dad) who left her with whoever for 6 weeks until she swallowed a bottle of aspirin to get his attention. She's back with him now. She comes by my place to use the computer almost daily. I need to return to my home in CA (she likes it there by the way) for many reasons and want to get her completely out of her present environment. I think that below her anger she knows she's better off with me. i want her to come back with the willingness to accept me as her legal guardian even to the point of filing a petition herself which she can now do in california (at age 12).

Her stated reason for leaving is that she can't stand me; that I don't care about her and any statement i may make about the deep love that I have for her is derided as BS. These ideas border on delusional. it is opposite to what she was saying 2 years ago and I have
very moving statement which she wrote at that time as to why she wanted me for her guardian. She will say that she was lying she always hated me etc. this just isn't true. She's in deep pain and needs a way out. I can help her if she will just cooperate a little.

In your view do I have to wait for her to blow up with her dad or is there some way I can reach her now? I'm afraid if I leave town interference from outsiders will prevent my knowing what's going on and will discourage her from calling. That's what happened
with her suicide attempt. It was just by chance I found out.

==> It sounds like you will have to wait for her to be in a severe state of "needing to reach out" to you before she will be ripe for a "live-in" relationship with you.

She has been mostly with me since age 3 and has asked for me to be her guardian till now and has accepted my authority to make the big decisions. She thinks she wants the apparent freedom her dad will give but she will actually get more real autonomy and independence and more real choice (meaning more choices, more options) much sooner and ultimately, with me.

On paper I have physical custody and her dad has legal custody, since a year or so ago. She is very very smart. Smart enough to figure out what she needs but will she figure in time? Her defiant behavior seems really compulsive to me. Like she knows it's not what
she really wants but she MUST rebel and side with her "friends". These are in part adult "friends" in there 20's 30's who along with her dad have fomented the rebellion as it were. I need to get her out of town and willingly. She has been very conflicted over her family situation for years and i think maybe the defiance, flat out and non negotiable shored up with a lot of anger is a way out of inner conflict. Any suggestions?

==> Let her know she is always welcome to come live with you as long as she is willing to abide by your house rules.

She spent 10 days in acute psychiatric care after her suicide attempt and was diagnosed ODD which is what lead me to your site, looking for more info on just what the hell is that. i suspect that she has an extremely high IQ and would like to have her evaluated by the Gifted Developement Center in denver; I've wanted to for years. She was released to her dad against the recommendations of the staff because she refused to go with me and the tribe (she's registered navaho) intervened to prevent her being placed in non indian foster care. The hospital recommended a 30 to 90 day treatment foster care. there is no such Indian foster care available so she's back with dad.

In general my approach with her has been like reeling in a fish only in reverse: trying to keep just enough tension on the line to give her the security of feeling some control and boundaries and reeling it out as fast as she can handle the responsibility. There are some very practical reasons for this: mainly i am 63 years old and there are no other family members remotely able to take over. Also it works real well. She responds well to real challenge. Again my problem is getting her dad out of the way. He is clueless.

Her dad is a marijuana dealer and heavy user. I have off and on for years debated making an anonymous phone call to try to have him busted. I hesitate for two reasons: (1) it makes me feel like a mean person; I favor legalization and to my knowledge he doesn't
handle the hard stuff. But it brings him in contact with people who do. It makes him a pitiful excuse for a dad and no role model for anybody. But I have a hard time with the idea of sending him up just to get him out of the way. (2) more importantly I don't think it in the child's best interest to have her dad in prison, to possibly ever know I blew the whistle even if he got off without serving time, which I think would be the most likely outcome.) I have been told that kids with parents who go to prison are statistically far more likely to do so themselves and part of what i am sensing with him is that he would
not be sorry to see her adopt his lifestyle.

I am fed up with trying to work with her dad. The personal/cultural differences are too great and I have been trying for 10 years.

Any opinions here?

==> Again, I think until her father "has had enough" and is willing to work with you rather than against you, your hands are tied.

There is a lot more. Some whole important areas I haven't even touched on. these are just a few bites. Might you be willing to work with me?

==> Yes... but due to time constraints, we will do best to communicate via email.

Thanks for your phone call maybe this email will spark questions and be a jumping off point.

AND do you know of anyway to disable MySpace without disconnecting from the internet? It is a Really Bad Thing. My kid started at 10 (at the instigation of one of those 20 something "friends") and then the cat was out. If you don't already understand the damage this thing (and other copy cats) are doing don't get me started. Just start looking at what's happening.You'll see.

==> At this time, she really should not have computer privileges. Here's parental control software to use if you want to continue to allow computer privileges, however ==> PC Tattletail.

This is what we use at our house. I think it is probably the best one out there.

Mark

Online Parent Support

"My son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I have read most of your book today. I am almost done, but am quite confused regarding my own personal situation. I know I sent you that long email, but please remember these facts, as they are much harder for me than you realize. I am not trying to say that no one knows what they are talking about, I want you to realize that I need exact instructions on how to deal with my son AT THE POINT WE HAVE REACHED. My husband is gone for days at a time, and my son and I have an very very estranged relationship. If I even asked him to do a chore, to tried to impose a curfew or told him no to anything, he knows he can hang over my head the act of busting up my house. He would just say "F_ _ _ _ you B _ _ _ _ _, make me", grab his keys and walk out, doing whatever he wants. He just literally stands there and says "No." How do I converse with someone like that? He scares me, has hit me once about 5 years ago, and is now 6'1" and a brown belt. (I should have never paid for that), he never learned dicipline there, they taught it, but he used it against me.

In short, since my husband is an airline pilot, I can fly for free. Would it pay for me to have a session with you? An appointment? Would you be able to meet with me, for a while, hear everything I have to say and give me some honest to goodness guidance and sound advice on exactly what to do? I have been dealing with this for 10 years and am on the brink of divorce over it and have 3 more kids to raise. What I am trying to say is that I hear your advice in your book, but for many of your situations (such as imposing chores, or setting guidlines), this son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house. I am stripped of authority, how do I get it back? I know my husband must join forces, but even if he does, how do I enforce it when Dad goes away? Please let me know something more.Thank you, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, please do not use this program in “crash-course” fashion. Parents make a huge mistake when they try to shoot for a quick fix by blasting through the printable version of the ebook in one afternoon and then try to implement change. This approach will be the kiss of failure. Simply do one session per week – and be sure to listen to all the audio and watch all the instructional videos.

Secondly, I understood from your first email what you particular dilemma is. You are basically parenting alone with a very angry son who has no respect for you. Since your husband is not there to back you up, you must seek some form of outside assistance. I think this should come in the form of juvenile probation if necessary. That’s right – juvenile probation.

Use the strategies as outlined in the eBook. If your son threatens you, destroys property, violates curfew, etc., you should go to your local probation department and file a complaint (whether you get your husband’s approval or not). Then you will get assistance from a probation officer.

Now I’m going to be a bit tough on you:

If you are one of those parents that wants to save her son from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices …if you find the above recommendation to be unthinkable …if you choose to be held captive in that abusive environment with little support from your absent husband, then you are NOT working this program as it is intended. 

 

This is a serious matter. You will either make a stand as well as muster the courage to implement change, or you will find a host of reasons why this program will not work – it’s your choice.

Having said that, I trust that you will take things one-step at a time by fully digesting session #1 (and implementing session #1 assignments) this week – and nothing more. Save session #2 for next week. Also email me as needed for any clarification you may need.

Lastly, shift from focusing on all that’s going wrong and how you are being treated unfairly to focusing on how you can begin to take care of you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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This will be hard, won't it?

Mr. Hutten:

I purchased your book, but am worried about something. Correct me if I am wrong: I cannot effectively do this if my husband doesn't right? Also, how am I to pull this off every time my pilot husband leaves town? This will be hard, won't it?

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While it's true that it will be exceedingly difficult to implement these strategies if your husband is working in the opposite direction from you, I find that - even in worse case scenarios - spouses can find at least a few areas they agree on.

Rarely is the case that husband and wife are 100% diametrically opposed on ALL decision-making opportunities about their kids. A weaker plan supported by both parents is much, much better than a strong plan supported by only one.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Serious problem with son...

Hello Mark,

I have serious problem with my son and his breaking our family rules. This story sounds like a great plan; however our son is able to stay the course for three days and then start all over again, hence the weekend begins. Over the Thanksgiving holiday he stayed out all night and then came home and we took all his privileges away. He told his father that he understood his punishment and within 2 hours proceeded to walk out the door.

He also tells us that if we put our hands on him he will call the police. Now we know that we can restrain him but this is a no win situation. We cannot watch over him 24 hours a day. We already went down that road a year and a half ago. When he ran off for 5 days at the age of 13 we were told that a wilderness trip and boarding school was the answer. After being gone for over a year he came back and seems to be worse.

He has been in counseling and everyone who has ever encountered him says the same thing; he is an edgy kid who likes to take risks. We also know he loves to smoke marijuana. More so than most of his acquaintances; I have often asked if this is a sign of depression and have been told that in their opinion he is not depressed. What do you suggest?

I wanted you to be aware that we live in Maryland and I am not sure what the laws are concerning his absence. He has now been gone for over 2 days. I am going to find out the laws today that govern this situation. We have had advice saying that we should just let him stay out there and see what it is like; they say he will tire of it and come home. I have wondered the same thing; maybe we should just let it run its course. Another suggestion has been to call the police each and every time he stays out. This will give him a track record and maybe the police can give him a citation and then we would go to juvenile services and he would be given community service. I am looking into that aspect today. What would your opinion be concerning this action?

We have found out thru different sources that he is staying at various friends houses in and around our area. My mind is consumed with worry and I just want him safe; there are so many different drugs out there and trouble that he could get into. Believe me when I say we have tried a lot of different approaches. Please help us with your experience in these matters.

Thank you,

M.

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Since he refuses to accept rules and discipline, your only recourse (that will be effective) is to file a run away complaint as well as an incorrigibility complaint at your local juvenile probation department. You need outside assistance in the form of “formal probation.” Then he will be “court-ordered” to follow through with several objectives (e.g., comply with curfew, attend school, seek drug treatment, etc.).

DO NOT attempt to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. Allow him to experience the full range of legal difficulties that result from with his defiant behavior.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Failure to Launch: Adult Children Who Don't Want to Grow Up

"Mark, How would your program work for an 19 year old who keeps leaving home and who isn’t motivated to work or go to college. He graduated last year and since then has been rebelling. He hasn’t spent time with his dad in months. We have always had a 50/50 custody."

 

ANSWER: It will work the same as it does for a 16 year old. Don't change anything.  The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 19- to 29-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home. This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie Failure to Launch.

Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men's self-confidence to cause them to want to be independent. Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. Since the '90s, the number of 27-year-olds still living at home has tripled! 

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Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change: 

1. They Are Unprepared-- They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza. These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. 

The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made! When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?

2. They Are Cautious or Clueless-- They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world. Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. 

This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

3. They Have Personal Problems-- They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event. In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died, and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight. 

If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

4. They Have Mounting Debt-- They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future. 

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses. If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house. 

Determine Goals and Stick to Them  

Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son or daughter begin his or her own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him or her launch into responsible adulthood. 

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Active vs. Passive Parenting

How do parents who are divorced work together and stay consistent? My ex and I are equally worried and upset with our 17yr old boy. We however, have very different parenting styles. I'm more into boundaries and keeping the lines of communication open. My ex lets our son run the show. I cannot tell my ex what to do or how to handle situations because he doesn't like anyone doing this, especially his ex. He takes everything very personally. 

 

Click here for the answer...

We love him but sure don’t like him...

Hi Mark,
I’ve quickly reviewed your program and I think it will help.
My youngest (16) boy is not really that far out of control. My older boy (19) is just great.
Both are extremely smart and do great in school. Snag with youngest is mostly on the disrespect side. Which of course leads to lots of communication problems.
We’re kind of at the “we love him but sure don’t like him” stage.
Pretty sure his problems stem from my wife developing serious illness and almost dying when he was only in grade 5.
She’s now stable but some limited functionality.
We need to reverse what’s going on, otherwise I can see me booting him out in the future.
So we will follow your plan and see if it will help,
D.
Online Parent Support