She punched me in my face hitting me in my eye and nose...

Mark,

In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?

Sunday, my daughter got out of control angry because I started to wash her clothes that were all over her room, wet and smelling and couldn't take the smell coming from her room anymore. My husband told her that morning to clean her room and when I saw her she was laying in her bed not doing anything. So I began to do her laundry. She became extremely angry and verbally abusive so I did not respond or say anything to her. I put a load of wash in the machine and when I returned to her room she was standing in her doorway yelling at me and refused to move. When I tried to walk past her she pushed me and my arm got scratched in multiple places against some hardware on the door panel.

I called for my husband because I did not want to get into yet another fight with her and when he came she moved. She began slamming items in her room, ran into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door. We got worried what she was doing in the bathroom because back in September she attempted suicide and we almost lost her. So I unlocked the bathroom door and she tried to not let me in. I asked her what she was doing in the bathroom and she just kept yelling.

She began to hit me with the door as I was standing between the door panel and the door to keep her from closing it. She flung the door open into the glass shower doors and cracked the door luckily not breaking the glass. I subdued her to the floor to keep her from hurting herself, me or destroying anything else. I asked her if she was done and that when she calmed down I would be able to let her up. When I let her up she punched me in my face hitting me in my eye and nose. She jumped behind me and dug her fingers into my eyes luckily my husband walked around the corner and grabbed her.

This was a ridiculous situation. She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her. We let the police come, as we were instructed to do so many times before when she becomes violent. The only difference this time was she was the one that called them. Only she did not realize that the long police record(s) of her actions for the last year have been recorded. Out of the 3 officers that arrived, 2 of them had been to our home before and were fully aware of our daughter’s history.

The police offered to have her taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation, but when I told them I lost my job and do not have any insurance. They brought Alex out of her room and tried to talk to both of us. Of course Alex's story was much different than what my husband and I described to them, and they went from talking to both of us to just Alex. I asked the police officer in front of her, if one of his children stood in his face, yelling and screaming and then hit him, what his response would be, he stated that there would be corporal punishment and then that child would no longer be living in his house.

She stated that maybe if I would stop trying to control everything and leave her alone and her room alone it wouldn't get this bad. If I would let her hang out with her friends, even if they do get high, doesn't mean she does all of the time and what is the big deal. She brought up that I need to get a job and a life and that I turned down a job because I told her I could not be that far away. I couldn't believe she was telling 3 police officers that she was breaking the law by using drugs and bringing up our financial situation. The officers and my husband stopped her and asked her what my employment status had anything to do with this and that she is not an adult and would not fully understand the reasons behind any choices my husband I make. I just sat there in shock and disbelief.

This awful scene ended with the police officers and my husband telling our daughter that if she put one more hand on me, then she would be arrested and DCFS would take her because she will not stay in this house and be violent and extremely out of control toward her mother as well as if she was caught with these other people even if she wasn't using at the time, that she would be arrested. Before they left they told us good luck and that if she does not change and get help, that the law will step in and have to teach her the lessons she needs to learn.

Mark, this all is so overwhelming, even when you try to stay calm. Everything has become reactive instead of proactive. I do understand that what will be will be and that I cannot control what she is doing, although I keep being told by the police, that we must control our child (ironic huh) before they do. No parent, at least that I know of, does not raise their children to become a menace to society. Although our children might not be doctors, lawyers, etc., doesn't mean that we can't at least expect that they do not become a menace. Which is what we fear our daughter is becoming.

I will continue working through the program because I keep thinking about the statement of "you can't control your child, but you definitely want to influence their decisions." I have definitely been fired as her manager, but at her age, I shouldn't be a manager anymore, I should be a coach that she can turn to and if I do follow the baby steps here, then maybe just maybe that can happen. The only thing is the violence. How do we deal (how do I deal) with the violence and not let myself become cold to a child I gave birth to and have raised thus far.

I've sent this to you in hopes that you can give some advice on this very volatile situation.

Sincerely,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?

This is covered in the Anger Management Chapter of the eBook [Online Version], but allow me to elaborate. This is actually a very simple problem to address.

First, your daughter should have a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation if she has not had one already. Some medication for mood stabilization may be in order (at least temporarily).

Second, tell her upfront that the next time she commits “domestic battery” (which is exactly what occurred) you will (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to the nearest Juvenile Probation Department and file battery charges. Then she can answer to the Judge. And she will likely be court-ordered to treatment, which you may or may not have to pay for.

Having said this, ideally you want to avoid these meltdowns before they start. Again, this is all covered on the Anger Management section of the eBook.

Re: She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her.

But again, avoiding situations in which the child is trying to get the parent in trouble with the law is mush easier than trying to explain to authorities that you, the parent, are the victim.

Violent behavior in children and adolescents can include a wide range of behaviors:

· attempts to hurt others
· cruelty toward animals
· explosive temper tantrums
· fighting
· fire setting
· homicidal thoughts
· intentional destruction of property
· physical aggression
· threats
· use of weapons
· vandalism

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in children and adolescents. These factors include:

· Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
· Brain damage from head injury
· Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
· Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
· Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
· Genetic (family heredity) factors
· Presence of firearms in home
· Previous aggressive or violent behavior
· Use of drugs and/or alcohol

Children who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:

· Becoming easily frustrated
· Extreme impulsiveness
· Extreme irritability
· Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups
· Intense anger

Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the child to:

· be responsible for his/her actions
· accept consequences
· express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
· learn how to control her anger

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated.

Mark

Click for more help ==> My Out-of-Control Child

He refuses to eat what serve...

Hi Mark,

I am enjoying reading your book and up to assignment 2.

I apologize for being upfront and I am hoping you don't mind me asking you for advice.

I have a wonderful 14-year-old son who is giving us a bit of grief at the moment. His attitude basically is we are all his servants and he basically yells at us. Very hard to actually sit down and have a conversation.

We always sit down for evening meal but R___ just about refuses to eat what serve. He wont suggest in the morning what he would like but is happy to complain and whine. This is the same as his school lunch.

I thought today I have had enough and refuse to make his lunch and will offer dinner knowing very well he won’t want it. R___ would sooner starve than actually cook something for himself.

What do you think is going on here? What is the best way to handle this situation? I know it sounds petty. I don't want to waste any more effort on making a situation worse.

Appreciate your time,

J.

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Hi J.,

You’re definitely not alone. Children's nutrition is a sore topic in many households. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. So don’t become alarmed. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time. Here’s how:

1. Be patient with new foods. Children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing -- he is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Good luck,

Mark

Online Parent Support

I am not able to reach him...

Dear Mark,

I stumbled across your web page last night after yet another devastating episode of frustration. J___ is my second child and has so very much to offer. He is very fun loving, but has struggled with self control and discipline for many years. He is twelve years old and I am so very afraid that we are now beginning to damage him. I see that he thinks we are all against him, he believes that he is flawed and struggles with good decision making. We have three other children full time and two that are here every second weekend. It has gotten to the point where we have become unable to enjoy family outings because of his behaviour.

I have studied children’s development for many years and have many certificates and degrees in Early Childhood Education and Psychology. I am not able to reach him and I am so afraid for the dynamics of our family and his stability.

I ordered your ebook and am anticipating positive results. I am so very hopeful that your program will effect change in our lives.

Thanks!

Lori

My Out-of-Control Child

I am very angry that he did not stay in his room...

"Mark - My 12 year old son was rude and disrespectful and lied to me today so i grounded him for the evening, he continued to yell and shout so i sent him to his room - and he just walked out the house. At this point I am hoping he will come back at a sensible time and i am very angry that he did not stay in his room and also scared that if grounding him doesn't work anymore i have no other method of discipline left that has ever worked or that he cares about."

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In the future—

Re: yelling and shouting. Tell him he’s grounded for 24 hours with no privileges (i.e., no computer, phone, TV, video games, etc.) – and the 24-hour discipline does not start until he stops yelling and shouting. Then let him decide when to start the clock. As soon as he stops yelling, look at the clock, write down the time, and tell him he will be ungrounded in exactly 24 hours from that time. If he starts yelling again, the clock starts over.

Re: walking out on a discipline. Tell him that, in the future, if he walks out on a one-day discipline, it automatically becomes a 3-day discipline, which doesn’t start until he returns home. Also, while he is away, you will be confiscating quite a few of his cherished possessions -- and you will call the police and file a run away charge. The next time he walks out on a one-day discipline, follow through with what you told him you would do.

All bite – no bark. This is serious business. If you, the parent, cannot muster up the tough love described above, then you’re not working the program as intended – and you will not be successful in helping your child make better choices.

For more info on this subject, please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version].

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Picky Eaters

Mark-

Have been looking at your website and am very interested. I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. It's no longer a joy being in the house with them all at once!! I'm not saying they are really naughty, they don't trash the house or give verbal abuse, but they perhaps are just being boys and continuously argue, they don't do as they are told and meal times are a nightmare!

Your speedy reply would be appreciated.

K.

````````````````````````````

Hi K.,

Here are 20 tips for picky eaters. Use these practical tips to avoid mealtime battles:

Your child has refused to eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches for the past two days, and your toddler would rather play than eat anything at all. Sound familiar?

If children's nutrition is a sore topic in your household, you're not alone. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time.

1. Be patient with new foods. Young children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he or she takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his or her plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he or she is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he or she may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing, he or she is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Young children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he or she eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his or her eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Mark

Online Parent Support