Well, I like making long stories short. At first, when we discussed household chores I met with resistance. It was during this time, that I was able to ask my son...
What have your father and I ever done to make you think that we are out to get you? (That is that "friend"'s way of thinking.) I also asked him how he would feel if I said bad things about him, in front of his friends. How could he call me psychotic and embarrass me like that. Why? I have always been in your corner? Haven't I.
At the time, there was an opportunity to discuss these issues, so I did. And regardless of what happened in the past, it is time for a new day, and changes in both of us, all of us.
I thought you would like to hear some good news, and affirmation that your concepts/ideas work. Thanks again.
C.
Online Parent Support
Transcript from "Mothers Only" Group: Q & A
Why shouldn't I use physical punishment?
Mothers may choose to use physical punishment (such as spanking) to stop undesirable behavior. The biggest drawback to this method is that although the punishment stops the bad behavior for a while, it doesn't teach your kid to change his or her behavior. Disciplining your kid is really just teaching him or her to choose good behaviors. If your kid doesn't know a good behavior, he or she is likely to return to the bad behavior. Physical punishment becomes less effective with time and can cause the kid to behave aggressively. It can also be carried too far -- into kid abuse. Other methods of punishment are preferred and should be used whenever possible.
What else can I do to help my kid behave well?
Make a short list of important rules and go over them with your kid. Avoid power struggles, no-win situations and extremes. When you think you've overreacted, it's better to use common sense to solve the problem, even if you have to be inconsistent with your reward or punishment method. Avoid doing this often as it may confuse your kid. Accept your kid's basic personality, whether it's shy, social, talkative or active. Basic personality can be changed a little, but not very much. Try to avoid situations that can make your kid cranky, such as becoming overly stimulated, tired or bored. Don't criticize your kid in front of other people. Describe your kid's behavior as bad, but don't label your kid as bad. Praise your kid often when he or she deserves it. Touch him or her affectionately and often. Kids want and need attention from their mothers. Develop little routines and rituals, especially at bedtimes and meal times. Provide transition remarks (such as "In 5 minutes, we'll be eating dinner."). Allow your kid choices whenever possible. For example, you can ask, "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue pajamas to bed tonight?" As kids get older, they may enjoy becoming involved in household rule making. Don't debate the rules at the time of misbehavior, but invite your kid to participate in rule making at another time. Kids who learn that bad behavior is not tolerated and that good behavior is rewarded are learning skills that will last them a lifetime.
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What are some good ways to reward my kid?
The Good Behavior Game (good for teaching a new behavior)— Write a short list of good behaviors on a chart and mark the chart with a star each time you see the good behavior. After your kid has earned a small number of stars (depending on the kid's age), give him or her a reward.
Good Marks/Bad Marks (best method for difficult, highly active kids)— In a short time (about an hour) put a mark on a chart or on your kid's hand each time you see him or her performing a good behavior. For example, if you see your kid playing quietly, solving a problem without fighting, picking up toys or reading a book, you would mark the chart. After a certain number of marks, give your kid a reward. You can also make negative marks each time a bad behavior occurs. If you do this, only give your kid a reward if there are more positive marks than negative marks.
Developing Quiet Time (often useful when you're making supper)— Ask your kid to play quietly alone or with a sibling for a short time (maybe 30 minutes). Check on your kid frequently (every 2 to 5 minutes, depending on the kid's age) and give a reward or a token for each few minutes they were quiet or playing well. Gradually increase the intervals (go from checking your kid's behavior every 2 to 5 minutes to checking every 30 minutes), but continue to give rewards for each time period your kid was quiet or played well.
Beat the Clock (good method for a dawdling kid)— Ask the kid to do a task. Set a timer. If the task is done before the timer rings, your kid gets a reward. To decide the amount of time to give the kid, figure out your kid's "best time" to do that task and add 5 minutes.
How do I encourage a new, desired behavior?
One way to encourage good behavior is to use a reward system. This works best in kids over 2 years of age. It can take up to 2 months to work. Being patient and keeping a diary of behavior can be helpful to mothers. Choose 1 to 2 behaviors you would like to change (such as bedtime habits, tooth brushing or picking up toys). Choose a reward your kid would enjoy. Examples of good rewards are an extra bedtime story, delaying bedtime by half an hour, a preferred snack or, for older kids, earning points toward a special toy, a privilege or a small amount of money. Explain the desired behavior and the reward to the kid. For example, "If you get into your pajamas and brush your teeth before this TV show is over, you can stay up a half hour later." Request the behavior only one time. If the kid does what you ask, give the reward. You can help the kid if necessary but don't get too involved. Because any attention from mothers, even negative attention, is so rewarding to kids, they may prefer to have parental attention instead of a reward at first. Transition statements, such as, "In 5 minutes, play time will be over," are helpful when you are teaching your kid new behaviors. This system helps you avoid power struggles with your kid. However, your kid is not punished if he or she chooses not to behave as you ask; he or she simply does not get the reward.
How do I use the time-out method?
Decide ahead of time the behaviors that will result in a time-out--usually tantrums, or aggressive or dangerous behavior. Choose a time-out place that is uninteresting for the kid and not frightening, such as a chair, corner or playpen. When you're away from home, consider using a car or a nearby seating area as a time-out place. When the unacceptable behavior occurs, tell the kid the behavior is unacceptable and give a warning that you will put him or her in time-out if the behavior doesn't stop. Remain calm and don't look angry. If your kid goes on misbehaving, calmly take him or her to the time-out area. If possible, keep track of how long your kid's been in time-out. Set a timer so your kid will know when time-out is over. Time-out should be brief--generally 1 minute for each year of age--and should begin immediately after reaching the time-out place or after the kid calms down. You should stay within sight or earshot of the kid, but don't talk to him or her. If the kid leaves the time-out area, gently return him or her to the area and consider resetting the timer. When the time-out is over, let the kid leave the time-out place. Don't discuss the bad behavior, but look for ways to reward and reinforce good behavior later on.
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How do I stop misbehavior?
The best way to stop unwanted behavior is to ignore it. This way works best over a period of time. When you want the behavior to stop immediately, you can use the time-out method.
What can I do to change my kid's behavior?
Kids tend to continue a behavior when it is rewarded and stop a behavior when it is ignored. Consistency in your reaction to a behavior is important because rewarding and punishing the same behavior at different times confuses your kid. When your kid's behavior is a problem, you have 3 choices:
- Attempt to stop the behavior, either by ignoring it or by punishing it.
- Decide that the behavior is not a problem because it's appropriate to the kid's age and stage of development.
- Introduce a new behavior that you prefer and reinforce it by rewarding your kid.
What is normal behavior for a kid?
Normal behavior in kids depends on the kid's age, personality, and physical and emotional development. A kid's behavior may be a problem if it doesn't match the expectations of the family or if it is disruptive. Normal or "good" behavior is usually determined by whether it's socially, culturally and developmentally appropriate. Knowing what to expect from your kid at each age will help you decide whether his or her behavior is normal.
Who can I ask when I need help raising my kid?
There are many ways to get good parenting advice. Sign up for parenting classes offered by hospitals, community centers or schools. Read parenting books or magazines. Talk to your family doctor, a minister, a priest or a counselor.
You can also ask your family doctor for parenting help. Don't be embarrassed to ask. Raising kids is hard, and no one can do it alone. Your doctor can help you with issues like discipline, potty training, eating problems and bedtime. Your doctor can also help you find local groups that can help you learn better parenting skills.
How can I be a good parent?
There's not just one right way to raise kids. And there's no such thing as a perfect parent--or a perfect kid. But here are some guidelines to help your kids grow up healthy and happy:
- Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other mothers have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two mothers are raising a kid, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby sitters and relatives know, and follow, your family rules.
- Criticize the behavior, not the kid. When your kid makes a mistake, don't say, "You were bad." Instead, explain what the kid did wrong. For example, say: "Running into the street without looking isn't safe." Then tell the kid what to do instead: "First, look both ways for cars."
- Listen when your kids talk. Listening to your kids tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.
- Make your kids feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.
- Praise your kids. When your kids learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.
- Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
- Show your love. Every day, tell your kids: "I love you. You're special to me." Give lots of hugs and kisses.
- Spend time with your kids. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What kids want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually their way of getting your attention.
Is it OK to spank my kid?
Spanking isn't the best way to discipline kids. The goal of discipline is to teach kids self-control. Spanking just teaches kids to stop doing something out of fear. There are better ways to discipline kids. One good way for infants and toddlers is called "redirecting." When you redirect a kid, you replace an unwanted (bad) behavior with an acceptable (good) behavior. For example, if throwing a ball inside the house isn't allowed, take your kid outside to throw the ball. With older kids, try to get them to see the consequences of their actions and to take responsibility for them. For example, you can explain to your son that everyone had to wait for dinner because he didn't set the table when he was supposed to. Explain that he has to wash the dishes after dinner because he didn't set the table before dinner.
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I sometimes lose my temper. Does that mean I'm a bad parent?
No. Many mothers lose their temper with their kids. It's OK to feel angry, but it's not OK to take it out on your kids. When you're really angry, take a break. For example, take your kids for a walk or call a friend to come help you. If you feel angry with your kid almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. You might talk to your family doctor. There are groups that can help mothers, too. One group is listed on the right side of this page.
What can I do when I feel frustrated?
Take a break. Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. For example, have your partner stay with the kids so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could watch your kid while you go out.
I get so frustrated sometimes. Is this normal?
Yes. All mothers get frustrated. Kids take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life, such as worries about your job, your bills or your relationships, or problems with alcohol or drugs. To be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. That means getting help for your problems.
I love my kids, but being a parent can be so hard!
Being a parent can be a joy, but it's also a tough job. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. Even loving mothers sometimes do things they don't mean to do, like yell at a kid or call a kid a bad name. But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of abuse doesn't start.
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During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?
Click here for full article...
------------------------------
Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a
battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected.
After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be
so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is
occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
--------------------
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical”
teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with
serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages,
self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with
the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of
the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to
control.
How do I deal with this...
Mark,
Regarding your reply about lying and issuing a consequence. In talking to J on the phone he still insists to us that he wasn't stoned the time he got his "disciplinary bounce", however, he admitted it to the staff at the group home during an interview with them yesterday. He said to me that he admitted it to them even though it wasn't that time, but to me he admitted it was another time. Now, I'm not sure whether he's lying or actually telling the truth (my gut says he's lying to me), and he asked me "you don't believe me?" I said to him that he's lied so much in the past, that I find it difficult to believe him. How do I deal with this even though he's not at home or in our custody and how do I consequence him?
We are going to see him for a 2 hour visit this weekend and plan on telling him about our plan and being honest.
`````````````````
Hi E.,
Re: How do I deal with this...
I would drop it. You told him what he needed to hear (i.e., that he's lied so much in the past, that you find it difficult to believe him). He's going to have to earn your trust back, and that comes in the form of being caught telling the truth over the course of the next several months - if not years.
Re: consequence...
He's already received a natural consequence via the "disciplinary bounce." He doesn't need - nor should he get - another one.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Regarding your reply about lying and issuing a consequence. In talking to J on the phone he still insists to us that he wasn't stoned the time he got his "disciplinary bounce", however, he admitted it to the staff at the group home during an interview with them yesterday. He said to me that he admitted it to them even though it wasn't that time, but to me he admitted it was another time. Now, I'm not sure whether he's lying or actually telling the truth (my gut says he's lying to me), and he asked me "you don't believe me?" I said to him that he's lied so much in the past, that I find it difficult to believe him. How do I deal with this even though he's not at home or in our custody and how do I consequence him?
We are going to see him for a 2 hour visit this weekend and plan on telling him about our plan and being honest.
`````````````````
Hi E.,
Re: How do I deal with this...
I would drop it. You told him what he needed to hear (i.e., that he's lied so much in the past, that you find it difficult to believe him). He's going to have to earn your trust back, and that comes in the form of being caught telling the truth over the course of the next several months - if not years.
Re: consequence...
He's already received a natural consequence via the "disciplinary bounce." He doesn't need - nor should he get - another one.
Mark
Online Parent Support
She has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school...
Dear Mark
I am writing after firstly downloading and reading your article on 'Out of Control Teenagers' and wished I'd had this manual a few years ago.
I have a fifteen year old daughter 'L___' and a ten year old boy 'C___'.
Since L___ reached the age of 12 and onwards I have had an uphill daily struggle and battle within our home. She has pushed the boundaries full scale and more.
In brief, she has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school, arguing and walking out of class and school, to the point of near exclusion from that school, running away from home, threatening suicide and cutting herself (due to mixing within a cult of what we calls 'Emo's' who seem to be into all this and self harm).
From this, I decided to (before she was expelled) moved her to an all girls grammar school (just starting into Year 9 and because her grades being an A and A* student at this point, secured her a place and fresh start). L___ did not really settle due to leaving friends behind but did go for the first 6 months with no truancy.
However, I then decided to move house so that we would be closer to her school and where I worked, to an area which probably was not ideal to the situation and L___ started once again truanting and running away.
Her behaviour escallated to a point where if I tried to stop her from running away or leaving the house, she would just start to smash things up until I opened the door and let her go.
The police have been involved over the last 3 years, social services have been involved (a pointless exercise), harbour drugs people, I have tried to have her attend councilling to which she refuses to attend. L___ has been under the Youth Offending Team here for four months, after I pressed charges for the third time in relation to her smashing up the home and assault on myself and her brother.
I am at present in the process of being taken to court for not getting my Daughter to school, as the law here puts all responsibility onto the parent in getting your children to school or a fine could be implemented, as could a stint in jail. The Education Officer is aware of how hard I have tried to get L___ to go to school and does not particularly want to take me but has to his job.
My daughter constantly answers me back, calls me verbally abusive names, has told me even recently that if she had a knife she would kill me, as she hates living with me and wishes I would kick her out. Then in the space of a few hours could be trying to sit next to me on the sofa expecting me to give her a cuddle (but purely to get around me for some thing or other).
I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked.
She has fallen so far behind with her studies, she is now at a C Grade or ungraded, and it makes my heart ache to think she has the ability but can not seem to apply it.
Would rather just sleep in late, hang around, not help around the house, but expects money to be forthcoming etc.
I am a single parent and have brought them up single handedly since L___ was 5 and C___ 18 months, with little/no help from there dad who is only in the country on approx 2 to 3 weeks a year. He is financially supportive, but no help really on the discipline matters.
Everybody from friends to family, authorities and even her own friends have said they can not understand why she is like she is and that she has a fantastic mother.
I begin to wonder.
I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already. One thing is for sure, when she is sixteen, I am entitled then to throw her out, not something I wish to do, but if it will teach her a hard lesson, then that is what I will have to do.
Any further help would be appreciated
This is only some of what I have had to go through, and probably a bit all over the place. Sorry had to crack it into half hour lunch break.
N.
``````````````````
Hi N.,
Re: I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked. … I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already.
I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.
Let's trouble shoot...
Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.
1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?
2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?
4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?
5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?
6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?
7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?
8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?
9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?
10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?
11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?
13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?
14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”
15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?
If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.
I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).
The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am writing after firstly downloading and reading your article on 'Out of Control Teenagers' and wished I'd had this manual a few years ago.
I have a fifteen year old daughter 'L___' and a ten year old boy 'C___'.
Since L___ reached the age of 12 and onwards I have had an uphill daily struggle and battle within our home. She has pushed the boundaries full scale and more.
In brief, she has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school, arguing and walking out of class and school, to the point of near exclusion from that school, running away from home, threatening suicide and cutting herself (due to mixing within a cult of what we calls 'Emo's' who seem to be into all this and self harm).
From this, I decided to (before she was expelled) moved her to an all girls grammar school (just starting into Year 9 and because her grades being an A and A* student at this point, secured her a place and fresh start). L___ did not really settle due to leaving friends behind but did go for the first 6 months with no truancy.
However, I then decided to move house so that we would be closer to her school and where I worked, to an area which probably was not ideal to the situation and L___ started once again truanting and running away.
Her behaviour escallated to a point where if I tried to stop her from running away or leaving the house, she would just start to smash things up until I opened the door and let her go.
The police have been involved over the last 3 years, social services have been involved (a pointless exercise), harbour drugs people, I have tried to have her attend councilling to which she refuses to attend. L___ has been under the Youth Offending Team here for four months, after I pressed charges for the third time in relation to her smashing up the home and assault on myself and her brother.
I am at present in the process of being taken to court for not getting my Daughter to school, as the law here puts all responsibility onto the parent in getting your children to school or a fine could be implemented, as could a stint in jail. The Education Officer is aware of how hard I have tried to get L___ to go to school and does not particularly want to take me but has to his job.
My daughter constantly answers me back, calls me verbally abusive names, has told me even recently that if she had a knife she would kill me, as she hates living with me and wishes I would kick her out. Then in the space of a few hours could be trying to sit next to me on the sofa expecting me to give her a cuddle (but purely to get around me for some thing or other).
I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked.
She has fallen so far behind with her studies, she is now at a C Grade or ungraded, and it makes my heart ache to think she has the ability but can not seem to apply it.
Would rather just sleep in late, hang around, not help around the house, but expects money to be forthcoming etc.
I am a single parent and have brought them up single handedly since L___ was 5 and C___ 18 months, with little/no help from there dad who is only in the country on approx 2 to 3 weeks a year. He is financially supportive, but no help really on the discipline matters.
Everybody from friends to family, authorities and even her own friends have said they can not understand why she is like she is and that she has a fantastic mother.
I begin to wonder.
I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already. One thing is for sure, when she is sixteen, I am entitled then to throw her out, not something I wish to do, but if it will teach her a hard lesson, then that is what I will have to do.
Any further help would be appreciated
This is only some of what I have had to go through, and probably a bit all over the place. Sorry had to crack it into half hour lunch break.
N.
``````````````````
Hi N.,
Re: I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked. … I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already.
I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.
Let's trouble shoot...
Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.
1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?
2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?
4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?
5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?
6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?
7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?
8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?
9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?
10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?
11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?
13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?
14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”
15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?
If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.
I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).
The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Are You Making a Bad Problem Worse?!
Hi Mark,
First, thanks for your great ebook and website. I realise I had been very unclear as a parent and started on the assignments with a sense of relief. Things did get worse before they got better but I am very pleased that I did not lose my cool or get drawn into arguments and we started to settle down and my 11 year old son S__ said that he felt so much better because he knew where he stood.
But our new-found calm was shattered by something that happened at school. A boy accused my son of something that he did not do and said that he was going to fight him. S__ alerted a member of staff but they didn't act in time and S__ got beaten up. Since then he has not been back to school.
The school has been apologetic and admits that they let S__ down by not acting quickly enough. They have offered various strategies to try and settle him back into school but he is hysterical at the thought of going back.
As I want S__ to be happy and to feel he has some choice in the matter, this is what I am doing. (we live in the UK, by the way.) The Education Welfare Officer has been to see us and has suggested two other schools that might be better for S__, so we are going to see these schools. She has also put me in touch with a network of people who educate their children at home so I can see what's involved. This is my least favourite option as I am a freelance writer/editor and I work from home, so I'm quite worried about combining the two things. But home education is S__'s favourite option. I am also going back to talk to his original school, though S__ is refusing to come with me.
We are coming up to school holidays so there will be a bit of breathing space, but I am just very worried about S__ because he seems so depressed. Every bit of confidence has been knocked out of him. He won't go outside the house in case anyone asks him why he isn't at school or looks at him oddly. He is so unhappy. I too am unhappy and depressed and can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. We are both completely demotivated.
I did try taking him bowling to cheer him up, but it didn't work as he seemed to have lost the knack and felt even worse about himself. I need to find some ideas to boost his confidence. He has stopped looking after his pets, which is putting a real strain on me. The only thing we are managing to do every day is walk the dog.
I have a daughter who is 14 and happy at school but I feel bad that I'm not giving her enough attention.
The children's father died three and a half years ago.
S__ and I do talk, but he tends to speak in sweeping generalisations so that there's nothing I can focus on to help with, eg 'my life is over' 'my life is ruined' 'I'll never be the S__e again'.
I have found a counsellor who he will speak to and he has seen her twice, but because these are confidential sessions I don't really know what's happening - although I do know she will be talking to him about his education next week.
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