"She first had sex at 15..."

Dear Mark, I've watched and started implementing Week One Tutorials & Assignments. My problem has been specifically that I discovered my 16, almost 17 year old daughter has been having sex with just anybody and posting intimate pictures of herself on the internet and inviting men to contact her for sex. She now has a boyfriend (he doesn't know what she's been up to and is more innocent than she is). I fear is also engaging in sexual activity with him. She first had sex at 15 when she went away with a friend and her parents on holiday. This was the first time she'd ever been allowed away and I had trusted that this family would watch out for her as I would have watched out for their daughter. When she came home, she'd got involved with a very unpleasant 19 year old (only in the last 3 days of a 6 day holiday). 

 I had to try to put a stop to it, which I thought I'd done, but today she left her computer on, and I saw a recent message from him. She denied sex with him at the time, and was so convincing, I actually felt guilty for doubting her. Had I known then, I would have gone to the police, but the police won't want to know now, especially as she's no longer an innocent. Interestingly enough, all her friends thought he was hideous and certainly didn't admire her for going with him. I only recently discovered all this, and was shocked, angry and despairing and told her that she came close to being thrown out for trashing the values of this family. I'm a stay at home mum and have been married 25 years to her father. I initially took away the computer for a week and then she said she wouldn't misuse it anymore and only go on Facebook where she can only be contacted by friends. I now suspect this might also be a lie, since discovering the latest message. 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

 Then I found your site and I realise I've been an over-indulgent parent and she's a textbook case of an over-indulged kid, except that she has low self-esteem, as she's carrying about 42lbs more than she should. I'm encouraging her to lose this by taking her exercising, but think she's eating sweets while at school - maybe using lunch money. I've been watching the videos and have started learning week two. Today I found a large bottle of alcoholic drink (empty) at the back of her wardrobe, covered with clothes and when I checked for other bottles in her drawers, I found some very unattractive panties from a sex shop or somewhere like that. My main concern is to try to turn her behaviour around before she throws away her life. I'm prepared to do 'poker face' when confronting her with these items. I know she's going to lie and get mad about going through her things. She's right in the middle of very important exams which will determine if she can go to college and I really want her to do well. Can you give me some advice? Regards, A.

````````````````````````````

Hi A.,

Re: potential alcohol abuse.

Please refer to the section of the eBook [online version – session #4] entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents.

Re: sex & poor self-esteem.

Here’s an email to your daughter (if you think she would actually read it without being offended). She doesn’t have to know it came from me. Maybe you can figure out some way to get her to read it:

Having low self-esteem can have a strong effect upon your personal relationships, especially when it comes to sex. The good news is you can get over it.

Have you ever:

• Had sex with someone because you thought they'd accuse you of being frigid or scared if you didn't?
• Thought that having sex with someone would mean they'd like you more?
• Had sex so you'd appear more popular, desirable, or cooler to your friends?
• Stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't treat you right because you thought you couldn't do any better, or were scared of being alone?

If you've answered yes to any of the above, it's likely that you're suffering from low self-esteem. Perhaps you don't have the confidence to say exactly what you feel for fear of how you'll come across.

So what is high self-esteem?

To put it simply, it means liking yourself. This doesn't mean you have be ultra-confident and cocky, but if you have a good opinion of you, you don't need reassurance from others. The key to good self-esteem is positive affirmation - telling yourself things that make you feel good about yourself, like 'I am attractive' or 'I am in charge of my life'."

Low self-esteem can be caused by many different factors. You might be lonely, or feeling unattractive or maybe you're being bullied. And if you don't feel confident, it means you can't say no and the vicious circle begins. You end up making bad decisions because you don't feel good about yourself. That's why you might have sex when you don't really want to: you want to be liked but, as you probably know already, that's not the best reason to have sex.

If other people know you have low self-esteem, you are also more prone to being pushed into doing things you don't want to do (drugs, sex, smoking) or being bullied. In extreme cases, having low self-esteem makes you more vulnerable to abusive relationships. The majority of victims are girls whose lack of confidence attracts these controlling boyfriends. In these relationships, many girls lose their confidence and are unable to assert their views, for example, if he won't wear a condom. If you're confident, it means you can say 'no condom, no sex!' If you're nervous, you won't be able to say boo to a goose, never mind no to your partner.

Take action

First of all, think about why you don't feel good. If you're conscious of your appearance, the key is to stop comparing yourself to the models in magazines or the prettiest girl/best-looking guy at school. Everyone is unique and we can't all be Kylies and Brads.

If you're feeling lonely, it's time to build on the friendships you have - you might even find that you're not alone in the way you feel. Having a strong family or friends network can do wonders for your well-being and will also stop you feeling depressed.

When it comes to sex, you have to look out for number one. Put your self-interest first. If someone is putting pressure on you to do something you're uncomfortable with, then try to get out of that situation immediately. For example, say you feel ill, or that you need to get home, or just say you're not ready. Once you're away from that scenario, you can think about what you want for yourself in this relationship. And if your boyfriend or girlfriend won't listen to and respect your feelings then it's time to say goodbye. Remember, you're a valuable human being and your body is for your pleasure.'

So next time you're in a difficult situation, take a step back and tell yourself you deserve better and that no-one has the right to tell you what to do, especially with something as personal as sex. It is your body and you're in charge of it.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

RE: "My oldest daughter was arrested today..."

I need major help. I prayed to God, read the bible and have been even studying the bible with a Jehovah witness (not that I understand the religion at all). My point is my oldest daughter, N___ was arrested today for shoplifting a sports store. Come to find out this wasn't the first time. She went to Winco (grocery store) and was caught stealing with a girlfriend top roman and gum. They were let go to someone posing as their mother. I am going to file charges against this women when I find her. Also her friend gave them my last as hers.

This friend and my daughter are bad news together and the girl already has had problems with the law as well is mother of a 11 month old at age 17. Her mother keeps threatening her that is going to file custody of her grandson. Sorry, back to my daughter, N___ - She tells my husband and I that we are to strict on her and that is part of why she keeps doing what she has been doing.

We let her go into Independent studies and start cosmetology school through an ROP program. I wonder if this was my first mistake. I had a hard but was convinced with the support of the counselor and psychologist at her high school that it would work for her to transfer to Independence high school where she would go to school once a week, then go to cosmetology the rest of the week plus work and make time for getting home work packets done. This also meant my husband and getting another car so N___ could drive back and forth to beauty college in another town. She was given a lot of trust and I thought this would be good for her since she is a natural at doing hair already and she doesn't want to go to college after high school. We made a deal that she would work hard since she wanted to become a cosmetologist sooner than later. I thought it would give her something she would work hard at and make good. I was wrong, she got mixed up with the wrong person and is on a destruction path.

==> Join Online Parent Support

My husband said he knew and worried that her going to Cosmo school and all would be trouble. He wasn't trusting of her. But here we are now. I don't know what to do. Do I take everything away from her? Going to Cosmo school, the car. She is going to have go to Reach program through the police department which we had put her in before on a voluntary basis about three years ago and who knows what else will happen after going to court.... Her friend let her in dust at the store. We think she was the in on it but didn't get caught with anything on her. I feel my daughter has destructive illness and she is just 17 this last April. In another year she will be 18. What do I do? I am so scared for her and the toll it takes on everyone else in the family. Thank you for you time and sorry I feel I have written so much. But I don't know where to turn and going back into regular counseling, well I just can't see that working. She just keeps defying everyone and everything, but then can be so loving and caring. What is happening to this world and the people on it? Please help. Thank you, L.

`````````````````````````````````````

Hi L.,

Re: shoplifting—

Here are a few tips to help you get through this trying time:

· Avoid confronting your teenager at the scene or facility. It just will not help and could go against both of you if charges are filed.

· Find out who is in charge and treat this person with respect. Find out if charges are being filed. Write these things down; do not rely on your memory.

· Lay out the consequences in an Action Plan for your teenager.

· Talk with your spouse about consequences. Try and do this a day or two later, so that you know you are over the shock and have calmed down.

· When you first get the call, write down where you need to go to get your teenager and the phone number of the facility. Many parents do not do this and try to figure it out after they have hung up the phone. Avoid this added stress by writing it all down.

· When you get home with your teenager, take a time out. You will both need it. There is nothing wrong with letting your teenager know that you are not prepared to discuss this with them yet.

==> Join Online Parent Support

Re: negative peer influence—

You may not be comfortable about your daughter's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors.

Here are some suggestions:

· Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.

· Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.

· Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.

· Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.

· Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.

· Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).

· If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.

· Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.

· Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.

· Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

Re: Do I take everything away from her?

No. She received (or will receive) a natural consequence (i.e., via the Reach Program).

Don’t pull the plug on her. Allow her to these mistakes – this is the only way she’ll learn anything. Trust that she will make better choices based on her learning.

That’s right. She should keep her car and should be allowed to continue her education. If she had not received legal consequences, the recommendation would be different.

Remember: As parents, our #1 goal is to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Taking away her car and education will have the opposite effect – that is, it will foster more dependency.

Simply allow her to fully experience the uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices (in this case, to shoplift, which resulted in getting busted).

Mark

==> Join Online Parent Support

S___ urinated in the corner of the restroom...

Good morning.

My mother had purchased your CD’s to help aid in the raising of my nephew (8) S and my niece (17) P. They were taken from their home due to neglect. It was in deplorable condition. Simply unfit to live. They were in foster care for 2 years, and now they are with me. I am their legal guardian.

S has attachment disorder, oppositional defiant, been diagnosed with ADHD. I am trying to implement your ideas & strategies for some successes. The Dr, teachers, principal and I finally decided to try some medicine. At first, 10 mg medadate (sp), did not seem to change anything. We now have him on 20 mg Adderall RX.

All at school seem to see an improvement. S does not want to be on medication and I prefer no medication as well.

His newest report from school yesterday, his teacher wrote:

“S urinated in the corner of the restroom. He told the truth and admitted it. (It could not have been an accident. It was far back in the corner and the stool was dry).”

Whoa, just when I thought things are on the upswing!

I am planning on getting him into a psychiatrist next. (one that will take Medicaid, as I simply cannot afford all of this)

I thought being with family would be better than another foster home or someone adopting. I am a career woman and this changed my world dramatically. I am very grateful God gives us a new day every day, because some of these days are very long and the feeling of hopelessness comes over me. But as the morning sun comes up, I feel refreshed, energized and seek more wisdom from God and other resources to “do the best parenting I can for these two children”.

Anything you might be able to share about this “recent urination episode?”

Thanks in advance…I’m going to review some of your CD’s again.

Sincerely,

L.

`````````````````

Hi L.,

When a child does little weird things like peeing in the corner, it is usually because he feels he has no control in other areas of his life. So by doing something like peeing in an appropriate location gives him a sense of control.

As human beings, we all want to feel we have some control over our lives -- and if we don't, we'll find a way to get it. People of all ages have the same basic needs.

Offering a child a choice is powerful! When they're very young, say two or three years old we can show them two plastic cups; a blue one and a green one and ask: "Do you want the blue one or the green one?" Or you can say: "Do you want to sit in this chair or that chair?" or "Do you want to wear your green pajamas or your blue pajamas?" It makes them feel they have some power and control and consequently are less likely to gain it in inappropriate ways. It also tells them their likes and dislikes matter to you. As well, children who are given choices learn to start thinking for themselves. They become less reliant on other people to make decisions for them.

As children get older we can start offering them more than two choices, keeping in mind that all the options you're presenting must be acceptable to you. You can say: "Here are some choices for lunch; vegetable soup, peanut butter sandwich or grilled cheese sandwich." Or you might say, "Do you want to play a game tonight? We could play this, or this, or this. Choose one." If you're having a difficult time getting your child to do something, you can say: "I need you to clear your plate away. Do you want to put it on the counter or in the dishwasher?"

As children approach their middle and teen years you can continue to use choices. You can say: "I'd like your homework done before 8pm. Do you want to do it at the kitchen table or in your room?" Or you might say: "I need some help in the kitchen. Would you like to empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor or fill the dishwasher?" Offering a choice significantly reduces arguments around tasks that need to be done around the house.

One of the problems parents might encounter with choices is that their kids don't want either or any of the choices you're offering. If that's the case, the next choice becomes: "Do you want to choose or would you like me to choose?" The majority of the time, kids will make a choice and that will be the end of it. Using this simple tool you'll find you can eliminate many power struggles and arguments.

Children are as human as the rest of us and need to feel they have some control over their lives. We want to give it to them in appropriate ways so they don't try and gain it in inappropriate ways – like peeing all over the place.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment ...

Mr. Hutten,

I appreciate your time this afternoon. Our “child” will be 18 end of May… has very good grades and has been accepted to attend the University of MD this fall. However, recently we have discovered him drinking… followed by an episode of being dismissed from an overnight school function for sneaking a girl into his room… followed by reports of him cutting classes at school… and reports of missing assignments endangering him from graduating… all within the past couple of months. A recent report card shows a sharp drop in several grades.

Last weekend my wife and I went away… leaving our son at home unattended. In retrospect, we regret having done that… but we did it because we wanted to give him a chance to build our trust… we explicitly told him many things like “NO ONE is to come to the house”…and… ”of all weekends to use poor judgment this would certainly be the one NOT to mess up,” etc. We also asked him for his direct assurance he would not violate our trust and he told us he would not. We also told him that if he stepped out of line while we were away, that he would not be allowed to go to “Beach Week” after graduation (a week of vacation after graduation unattended by adults at a beach house). 

With him being in so much recent trouble, and knowing we were fully suspicious and watchful, and with the important threat of not going to Beach Week on the line, we truly thought he would not be foolish enough to try anything. HOWEVER… sure enough he went right ahead and had a big party while we were gone… it was very easy for us to see the botched efforts to cover up 30-40 people having been in our home, including simply going into our own trash and finding empty alcohol containers, marijuana remnants, and used condoms. This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment and has no regard for consequences of his behavior. We believe this constitutes a danger to his well being.

==> Join Online Parent Support

We are now doing our best to impart the consequences… including no Beach Week as promised, removal of his access to money (took away a debit card), and grounding indefinitely.

In response he is distraught and rebellious. We are concerned with what he may do based on his reactions to our efforts of imparting consequences. He seems to truly BELIEVE things he says like “it’s no big deal to have some people over” and “unfair” to impart such harsh consequences. We are flabbergasted that he seems impervious to the magnitude of his actions and seems to want to do nothing more than to somehow have this all go away so he can “hang out” with friends, rely on us to resolve his grades and attendance issues, and in general be totally disengaged. He cannot seem to do simple tasks like laundry, remember to take out trash, clean up after himself, or contribute to the household.

He has expressed thoughts such as “half of me understands, but half of me says ‘screw you,’ what else can you do to me, so I may as well just go out and do what I please.” We are frightened that we are losing him and quickly losing control… and don’t know the immediate next steps for intervention.

We would appreciate your feedback ASAP.

Thank you,

E.

````````````````````

Hi E.,

First of all, the problems you’ve listed are covered in the eBook. I don’t have time to do a re-write, but I would like to make a few comments in the time I have.

While hormones, the struggle for independence, peer pressure, and an emerging identity wreak havoc in the soul of the adolescent, issues of how much autonomy to grant, how much "attitude" to take, what kind of discipline is effective, which issues are worth fighting about, and how to talk to offspring-turned-alien challenge parental creativity, patience, and courage.

==> Join Online Parent Support

To guide a child to adulthood, to ingrain values, to help negotiate social relationships, and to see new ideas, ideals, goals, and independence emerge in a child can be the adventure of a lifetime. Like any adventure, the thrill is in the journey.

Challenges conquered sweeten success, and while failure is in part unavoidable, no parent can know how the balance of success and failure measures out until the journey is complete. As long as the journey continues, there is hope: a chance to turn failures into success, weaknesses to strengths.

Like any adventure, the challenges are unique to each traveler. Even the same parent will experience different challenges as each child is guided through adolescence. Because each journey is unique, there is no way to smooth all the bumps, anticipate all the challenges, or detonate all the land mines beforehand. However, there are aspects of the journey that appear to be universal.

Although teenagers will make their own choices, a good home life can increase the odds that kids will avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence. Particularly, a kind, warm, solid relationship with parents who demonstrate respect for their children, an interest in their children's activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities may directly or indirectly deter criminal activity, illegal drug and alcohol use, negative peer pressure, delinquency, sexual promiscuity, and low self-esteem.

Parents who give their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their children's adventure through adolescence.

As they watch their sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young adults, they may find that the child they have reared is -- like the breathtaking view of the newborn they held for the first time -- even better than they could have imagined.

I’m out of time for now. I hope this helps. The eBook will go into much greater detail as to how to correct the child issues you’ve listed.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks...

Mark, I started using your program about 6 weeks ago. I'm finally seeing some positive changes. However, My 9yo who is ODD has a developed a friendship with the 11yo across the street who is ODD, ADD & PTSD. We had her over for a sleepover. I found out from my older daughter in the morning that the neighbor broke most of our house rules. (She was reasonably well behaved when I was in sight.) Being that she is a neighborhood kid I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks. Keeping them apart is unlikely as they live right across the street. I have already told my girls that I won't agree to another sleepover based on her behavior last time. Any ideas of how to handle her when she is with my kids?

```````````````````

Hi S.,

If keeping them apart is unlikely, I don’t know how you will keep this girl from influencing your 9-year-old. What you can do is teach your child right from wrong (as simple as this sounds, it is easier said than done).

Research shows that the pressure to behave like someone else comes most often from wanting to be accepted, wanting to belong, and wanting to be noticed. Help your child learn what qualities to look for in a friend, and advise him/her about what to say if the negative peer is trying to get your child to misbehave in some way. Children who have difficulty making friends need your support to avoid being isolated or bullied.

Your child may not always know which situations could have harmful consequences. Start talking with your child about these dangers early, and prepare him/her for the moment when you’re not there and he has to make a choice about behavior or misbehavior. 

You also need to discuss the dangers of being around others who make risky choices. You can help your child learn how to recognize and back away from situations that could have harmful consequences. For example, discuss with her how to say no if someone offers her alcohol, tobacco, or drugs at a party. (Yes…even 9-year-olds experiment with drugs/alcohol.)

Role play with your child so that he/she can practice saying “no” to things that are harmful or against the rules. For example, pretend to offer your child a drink or a cigarette. Let your child take a turn being the person who suggests something that isn't safe. Then, have fun thinking of different ways to say no.

Repeat role-playing at different ages and stages of your child’s development. A 9-year-old may find it easy to turn down alcohol; a 15-year-old may be more curious—or more reluctant to act differently if others are drinking.

Make sure your child is comfortable with what he/she wants to say. Coach him/her to use his/her own words and expressions. For instance, a shy child might simply say, “I gotta go” and then quickly walk away. A more confident child might say, “What? Are you talking to me? Forget it!” Children who have trouble refusing offers from other kids may need extra practice in giving a strong, believable reason for backing away from a situation that they think could be dangerous.

Here are a few examples of “conversation starters” to use with your child:

• Do you find it easy to speak up about what you like and don’t like? Among friends? With strangers?
• If you had a friend who was stuck at a party with people drinking or using drugs, what advice would you give him?
• What do you look for in a friend?
• When is taking a risk a good thing? When is it bad?

I trust this will help,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support