Our son still has days where he refuses to get up and go to school...

Hi Mark, We've been following your programme for the last 4 weeks and things are improving. Thank you. Our son still has days where he refuses to get up and go to school. We implement the discipline by cutting of his cell phone, no TV or computer for three days. However he still goes to his girl friend who lives 3 mins walk from us (after school). By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario? (More consequences on top on the 3 day discipline.) Also can he earn back his privilege of going out on sat night? We are on track so I don't want to rock the boat and start bending the rules. Thanks for your guidance. Regards, L.

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Hi L.,

Re: By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario?

The clock starts over whenever a child (a) repeats the original offense (e.g., returns home after a curfew time of 10:00 PM), or (b) violates the one-day, two-day, or three-day discipline (e.g., does not stay grounded, uses the cell phone, etc).

Your son is violating the three-day discipline. He should be in the house at 3:00 PM (for example). If he does not return home from school by that time – or if he leaves the house to go over to his girlfriend’s house, the clock starts over. If he chooses to ignore the 3-day-discipline, then he chooses a 7-day-discipline. If he refuses the 7-day-discipline, then you will need to tell him that the police will be called and a run away complaint will be filed.

Parents who refuse to go these extra steps are not really working the program and do not receive the success they had hoped for.

No half measures!

Re: Also can he earn back his privilege of going out on sat night?

Once a privilege is taken away, it should never be returned until the child completes the entire time period of the discipline.

Mark

P.S. Sometimes "tough love" is tougher on the parents than the child.

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I miss my little girl!

My daughter is 13 years old. Her father and I are divorced, we are doing our best to co-parent but it is very difficult. She lives with her father.

I miss my little girl! She is disrespectful to me and her father, uses vulgar language, she makes the "plans" for the weekend. When I tell her we are going to go do something she always says she can't because she has plans with her friends. I have lost all control of her and she runs the show.

How can we, her parents, regain the respect? We want to be good parents but we have had that taken away from us by a 13 year old girl.

Please contact me.

Thank-You for your time,

S.T.

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Hi S.,

I really want to do whatever will be in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just joined yesterday) is to simply work through the four-week program. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I’m not trying to avoid answering your questions. However, since the question you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the “magic bullet.” Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is “key” right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I want to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Are you o.k. with this for now?

Your daughter is 13-years-old -- it has taken 13 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn’t to say that you won’t notice any improvements in your child’s behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program (after you have digested most of the material), email me as often as needed with specific questions regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

Waiting to hear back,

Mark

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Dear Mark,

Thank-you for the advice. I purchased the ebook and the CD's. I went through part of the first session last night. Her father did too, he took the over indulgence quiz and scored a 70. He had our daughter "help" him with the questions. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I am taking the quiz now.

I appreciate your feedback and will take baby steps with this program.

I have a paper fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my monitor that reads "Good things come to those who wait. Be patient." It now means more to me than ever!

Sincerely,

S.

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Hi S.,

Thank you for being a good student. We will work together over the next several weeks/months as needed.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school...

Hi Mark, I wanted to get some final advice from you relative to my soon to be 18 year old son. Your website advise was great and the personality traits you explain have been dead on. I think we learned this a bit late in the game though. We are at the point where it is highly unlikely that he will graduate. He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school. We have not planned for any grad events and I do admit to feeling guilty as this should be such a wonderful time of his life. 

==> MORE...

re: "She'd been telling me to shut-up..."

PARENT: "Hi Mark-me again from Australia. I have a question about consequences. Anna has been particularly difficult of late and has received two consequences for disrespect and rudeness. I took her favourite toy away for 3 days and then her portable DVD player for 3 days. The rudeness has continued and after giving her another warning yesterday (she'd been telling me to shut-up when I was talking to her). I told her if she continued, she couldn't go and stay at her Nanna's for the weekend as had been planned. She became very upset (sobbing and yelling) and asked me to change the consequence but I said no. The problem I have is that I feel like her Nanna will miss out on seeing her and perhaps I should have thought of something else. My husband wasn't home and he is cross 'cause it's his mother! Can she earn back the right to go or do I have to carry this through? Thanks L."

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Great question. 

Answer: You must carry this through. Let me say this again, you must carry this through. When parents issue a discipline, and then later retract it, the child’s misbehavior is reinforced, thus he/she will continue to push the parent the same way again in the future. You found a wonderful consequence by the way …your daughter really values seeing her Nanna. 

Now does Nanna suffer as a result of this consequence? Well, "suffer" is a big word. All family members have a responsibility to a solution to the problems. Better that all family members, including Nanna and your husband, experience some short-term, minor pain now rather than long-term, major pain later. 

Mark 

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PARENT: "Thanks Mark, I've spoken to A___'s Nanna and she is fine with no visit and carrying through the consequence. Thank you for telling me I'd done the right thing-it gets very hard as a parent and your support and non-judgmental attitude are much appreciated by me. L."

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Son Refusing To Attend School

"We are at a loss as to what to do with our son. He refused to go to school in 8th grade. Too much to that story to even begin to tell. Now at the end of 10th grade he is doing the same thing. He is passing right now. He wants expensive things …says things like if you lease an expensive car I'll go to school. Embarrassed by us, we don't have enough money, big screen tv and such. We froze his cell phone and took away the computer hoping to motivate him. He said he was going to go to school tomorrow, but now that we did that … forget it. He says he hates us and is going to get a full time job and never go back to school. We explained there is not a big job market for newly 16 year old high school drop outs. Please help ASAP the last days of school are ticking away, with the first final tomorrow. The rest of the finals to start June 12. Thank You, S.N."

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Hi S.,

Sometimes teens who were previously able to attend school regularly will suddenly become anxious and fearful. A recent crisis in the community or the family (such as a death, divorce, financial problems, move, etc.) may cause a teen to become fearful or anxious. Some teens fear that something terrible will happen at home while they are at school. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

 

Teens who are struggling in school with academic or social problems may also refuse to attend school. Many teens have social concerns and may have been teased or bullied at school or on the way to school. Some neighborhoods or schools are unsafe or chaotic.

Still other teens prefer to stay home because they can watch TV, have parental attention, and play rather than work in school. Teens who are transitioning (e.g., from middle school to high school) may feel very stressed. All of these factors may lead to the development of school refusal/avoidance.

If complaints of illness are the excuse for not attending school, have your son checked by your doctor. If there is no medical reason to be absent, your son should be at school.

Attempt to discover if there is a specific problem causing the refusal. Sometimes the teen feels relief just by expressing concerns about friends or school expectations. If your son is able to pinpoint a specific concern (such as worry about tests, teasing, etc.), then immediately talk to his teacher about developing an appropriate plan to solve the problem.

Some common sense strategies to try include having another family member bring him to school, or if he does stay home - then rewards such as snacking, TV, toys or parental attention should be eliminated. A school schedule may be duplicated at home.

However, if he is extremely upset, if he needs to be forced to attend school, if there is significant family stress, or if the refusal to attend school is becoming habitual, don’t hesitate in asking for assistance from the school psychologist, school counselor or other mental health professionals.

Treatment depends upon the causes, which can be difficult to determine. Many children may have started to avoid school for one reason (e.g., fear of being disciplined by a teacher, feeling socially inadequate) but are now staying home for another reason (e.g., access to video games, lack of academic pressure, etc.). 

 

Several treatment plans may need to be tried. Helping your son to relax, develop better coping skills, improve social skills, using a contract and getting help with parenting or family issues are all examples of possible treatments.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents