If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

HI Mark,

Thank you so much for your answer. I did tell my daughter that I would be truthful from the beginning. I guess I'm fearful at times because of her psychiatric diagnosis. She is what Dr. Greene calls inflexible-explosive, plus Adhd and mood issues. I questioned the counselors to see if there is any evidence of personality disorder. They seem not to think so, but I'm not so sure. She has been tested by a neuro-psych doctor. But nothing more came of it except for a 504 accomodation plan, which was very much needed. If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct? She is intensely self-centered and doesn't seem to "get it". I know self-centeredness is common in teens but with her it is much more so, also, she is nice to everyone except family members.

I took the test and I failed with flying colors! The result was I was a severely indulgent parent, which surprised me because I didn't see myself that way. How blinded I became thru this difficulty.

You know, when we as parents are trying to raise difficult kids...we give in to them at times to reduce the stress and chaos on the family, but in the end it all comes back to bite us.

Thank you once again for all you are doing for so many hurting families. You are realigning us and teaching us to walk straight and not waiver so we can reach the end of this difficult path.

Best regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

Absolutely …Borderline Personality is just the adult, female version of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. CLICK HERE for one of my Podcasts on the subject (sorry for the poor video/audio quality).

Keep in mind that BPD and ODD and just labels for a particular pattern of behavior. Labels don't make kids "bad" – labels simply help us in the "helping professions" to narrow-down a range of treatment options.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Son with ADHD, ODD & PDD

It's been awhile since my first e-mail. I've been trying to follow your information in your manual. Have started to reread the book to refresh myself with some of the instructions on how to control my son. He has still not gotten the picture that he has a problem that needs to be addressed, and worked on. He believes that everyone else is the problem and that no matter what he tries he is wrong. He'll take no advice or be willing to even learn from his own mistakes, which hurt him and then he complains that no one understands him, and won't help.

My son is now 20 (21 november) he was/ is diagnosed with adhd ODD pdd. now refusing to take his meds. his own research shows side effects, this scares him, thats why he refuses.

Question? thru your many studies and other parents that you have talked to, have you ever found that a child has over the years developed a symptom of paranoia, with anxiety attacks. and has become a habitual liar? he now breaks out with the terrible sweats, and is afraid that someone will break into our house and steal his Xbox games and systems, and the temperature needs to be at 60 degrees in the house. I'm not rich and can't afford the electric bill I just got, $375.00 for one month.

I’m going to be in touch with the U of PA. hospital Philadelphia Pa for reevaluation of his disorders as something drastic has change. It's also unfortunate that we had to loose our previous services because of an insurance change at work, they don't accept this insurance now, and we temporarily lost our medical assistance for his disability do to some paper work foul up that was recently resolved in court.

Can you make any suggestions as to what we might ask the hospital to be looking for? tests, blood work, brain scans etc. any thing will help. what type of assisted living facilities might be good for him so that he is not totally dependent on us, as it is really taking a toll on the wife and I. I just cancelled my vacation plans because he refused to stay at another family members home so that he could go to his part time job while we were away.

Thanks

L.

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Hi L.,

Albeit limited, the info you have provided suggests that your son may have Agoraphobia or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I would definitely look into these two diagnoses as a possibility.

Unfortunately, this may be a classic example of what happens to a child after years of over-indulgence. Your son will be 20-years-old, and he still lives at home playing Xbox. He does not have a clue about how to survive as an adult out in the real world.

Children with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) do have difficulty using and understanding language …difficulty relating to people, objects, and events …difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings …and they exhibit unusual play with toys and other objects. So they are not easy children to parent – I understand this.

In any event, there is no known cure for PDD. Medications are used to address certain behavioral problems. If he is not willing to take his meds – and you go along with this – then you are employing an over-indulgent parenting style.

Begin helping him to help himself. This should be the first course of action. Hold him accountable for not taking his meds. Not taking meds needs a consequence -- and perhaps a serious one at that (e.g., him living elsewhere).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark,

I will be looking into the additional diagnoses, which I already suspected but was told by therapist and other professionals? in the field he did not have these.

Over indulgence has not taken place with L___, as he was growing up just the opposite was happening things were not just given to him he had to earn them, or points to get privileges because of his bad temper bad behavior and not wanting to do anything that was asked of him, help with the cleaning, help make the beds help take out the trash, help, help, help, his answer was always NO. it's not my job!

He was diagnosed with PDD but as you explain it he shows no sign of these things. I think the professionals? put this on his charts as they could not come up with a better diagnoses.

As for meds they are out on the table for him to take, when i come home he hasn't taken them, then i try for hrs to have him take them. and then he gets mad enough that he starts to verbally threaten, I stop ...consequences lead to house destruction.

I know that the meds he is now taking do not help very much maybe 10%, he's been on so many over the years and nothing has really helped, some have just done the opposite made him worse. Professionals?

Yes I think you can here in my voice that even the system that he has been in, with hospital stays (4) counselors, therapist, behavior specialist, and I can go on, have not been much help with him or with us as a family trying very hard to stay together. wife, daughter (16) myself and L___. One DR. even told me in all the years of his practice (20) he has never seen someone like L___. I told him to do a case study and write a book on Larry.

Today my wife had enough and thought there was going to be a fight between me and L___, and went to her sisters, for the weekend. all because I refused to take L___ out for chinese food after I said I would, but he did something that he was not supposed to and had to pay the consequence and not be taken. Vulgar remarks and calling me slanderous names. which he was repeatedly told not to do the night before, that night he did it again, he must have called me at work 6 times asking if we were still going. now he says will I take him tomorrow, even though he is still calling me names, and cursing.

Myself I'm starting to break down, I'm ready to take him to the hospital and let them make the decisions, as to how to best treat him, away from the home. this is very upsetting to me as I've been the biggest advocate to get the best services for him and treatment. but I know all that will happen is word treatment.
what to do, what to do?

L.

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Hello again L.,

Re: what to do?

The first thing to do is to find a GOOD psychiatrist and have him/her do a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation in order to come up with a proper diagnosis.

I'm very puzzled here. You say that over-indulgence has not taken place with your son, yet as you describe his behavior, he sounds exactly like an over-indulged child.

Either you are in a state of denial about this -- or I'm missing something.

Very confused,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Boarding school for my “out of control” teen...

Can you recommend a quality boarding school for my “out of control” teen daughter who will be 17 this October. She is has been diagnosed ADD/ADHD and ODD.

Part of the problem is she does not want to help herself.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

Bob

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La Lumiere School is probably the only one I can feel good about recommending.

The address is: 6801 North Wilhelm Road, La Porte, IN 46350

Phone: 219-326-7450

Their website: http://www.lalumiere.org/

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Should I tell the probation officer?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

Just wanted to let you know how appreciative my husband and I are for your website. We are a committed christian family that is dealing with a 15 yr. old ADHD daughter with oppositionality. I am in the process of reading your ebook. You won't be surprised to hear that for the past 2 years she has been to a pychiatrist and counselors to deal with her challenges and anger - she can sometimes be explosive. These behaviors manifested as a toddler and she was a difficult baby. We have 3 others kids who don't struggle with these challenges although the pain, heartache and despair we at times experience as parents does not go unnoticed by the other three.

A few months back my daughter hit me after being put on concerta, which made her very irritable. It is no excuse, but I called the cops and they "arrested" her. I called her doctor and we took her off the meds. We went to court, she was put on probation and comm. service.

Inside this kid has christian convictions and stands up for what she believes. She lies alot but I do believe that shes not on drugs, drinking or having sex which she yells at us about and thinks she is a good kid because of it. OK, but its her behavior...and she just doesn't get it. Her disrespect is thru the roof, etc. Recently, I went on her IM log and found out she decieved me by saying she was sleeping at her friends house...I said I need to talk to the parent to confirm...so she has her friend's parent call me, which in reality was one of her guy friends posing as a father. She had been to a all-nite party …we later found out thru the log. My question is should I tell the probation officer?

She also told us she was going to bed early one nite, which was strange so I went up an hour later only to find she snuck out and stuffed her bed. Someone said "what kid hasn't done that.” Needless to say we punished her. Texting on the phone, Facebook and some social life has been taken away....My main goal for her is to learn and succeed, do need to tell her probation officer the whole thing? I worried about what will happen. She has been trying harder in other ways. she is seeing her counselor regularly. I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean. She doesn't hang out with bad kids. (You wouldn't believe all the friends she has for an ADHDer) all her friends come from good families. No one knows she is on probation or anything else (not even her grandparents who we are really close to because it would devastate them.)

I apologize for the length of this email. It is difficult because you cannot talk to other parents about these things, and I needed to tell you. Thanks again for your website, I am going thru it with a fine-toothed comb! It is a God-send.

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question is should I tell the probation officer?

Absolutely! You want to (a) model the truth and (b) hold her accountable. Just report it – and tell your daughter that you will always have a commitment to the truth. This is a relatively minor problem – and I’m sure her PO will see it that way too.

Re: I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean.

I have to be honest with you here. This statement sounds like one that would come from an indulgent parent. Be careful “feeling sorry” for your child. This will work against both you and her. You don’t do your daughter any favors by trying to save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices.

No half measures,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot ...

Hi Mark

My husband and I started watching the videos and read the ebook. My son left me a note saying that he would be home at 12:30 a.m. tonight Curfew is 12:00 I did the 4 step in the fighting fairly with him when I called his cell phone. He asked if he could stay the night and I went through the steps. Then he said well tomorrow I am going to stay at someone's house, I don't know who's yet. I said we would talk later about this. I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot and not have to come home and for me to rag him out about this. Last week he was at friends all week when we were on holidays, after he told our friends that he didn't want to stay at their home. My friend J__ said that her son M__ told C___ the first day the hey if you had a couple of beers not a problem with my mom just do not come home falling down drunk but do not come in the house stoned and she feels that is why he took off from her place and went and stayed and someone else's house. Some of these parents have no clue that the kids in this group of friends are smoking up in the backyard or at the neighbourhood playground at night and then they come in and go to the basement and crash.

What do I do now with this sleep over issue, when he says this week he is staying at someone's home. Alot of the friends are working full time and some of them have told me that they are distancing themselves from him because of what he is into and that he is becoming aggressive but there are others that would let him stay.

What is the plan?

Thanks for your help.

A.

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Hi A.,

You will want to use the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [Session #3 - Week #3]. But I would discourage you from leaping ahead and working out of sequence.

Also, be sure to look at the section entitled "Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents" [Session #4]. Alcohol & drug abuse is addressed in that section.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen