Daughter's First Experiment With Drugs

Mark-

I have a 16-year-old daughter whom I have always spoken honestly to about sex, drugs, and the dangers that exist in the outside world. I feel that I have always done as I should to be a responsible parent. Recently, she told me she and her friends tried pot. I explained that this was not acceptable but assured her that we understand that peer pressure can be a horrible thing. We again discussed ways to avoid drugs and reinforced our love and devotion to her, but made it quite clear that this behavior is not in any way acceptable to us. To my surprise she started to cry.

I explained that I was thankful she was honest and glad that she felt she could talk to us. I knew she felt bad and told her there was no punishment because I knew she was feeling worse than she has in her life. I also explained that this is her first try and last - that punishment would be swift and stern if she ever thought of doing this again. My question is - what should my next move be, and how can I stop feeling as if I let her down in some way since she seemed to lack the will power to say No?

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A very straightforward way to help her is to restrict her interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer her towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell her that she can blame the restriction on you (this will help her save face with peers), but that she absolutely may not be out with drug using friends.

It is not a moral failing that your daughter lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that she may be at risk for addiction because she wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 16-year-old to be safe.

It will take both of you (and maybe the whole family) to make a partnership so that she can say "no." Ask her how you can help her with his will power.

Let go of your guilt! It is healthy to feel guilt if you intentionally did something wrong, but it seems that you did the best you could at the time to prepare your daughter to refuse drugs. If you are busy soul-searching and self-blaming, you will miss a very important step, which is to continue developing your alliance with your daughter.

Make sure that adults supervise her whenever she goes out. This will require you to call the parents of her friends. It will give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Signs of a Pot Head

Mark-

I think my daughter still smokes a bit of pot, nothing like before, but she has been losing about 37 pounds in the last month, suffering anxiety attacks, back pain, etc. What should I be looking for?

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Marijuana is usually smoked using cigarette rolling papers, a purchased water bong, or a makeshift bong that can be made from a variety of items. Hash can be smoked or eaten, and is sometimes cooked into baked goods.


What to look for:

· Bloodshot eyes
· Cigarette rolling papers
· Dilated (large) pupils
· Pipes, bongs, homemade smoking devices (you may see sticky residue from burned marijuana)
· Reduced motivation
· Seeds that have been cleaned from marijuana
· Sleepy appearance
· Smell on clothing, in room, or in car

Generally it can be difficult to recognize marijuana use if you don't see your child after smoking when she is still experiencing the effects of the drug.

Mark

Online Parent Support

There are way too many out of control kids out here...

Hello Mark,

I wrote to you a few weeks ago regarding my grandson that we had guardianship of. My grandson was in the hall since Sept. 18 and we went to court yesterday. His mother agreed to take him back to Los Angeles. The judge obviously did not read anything about his past history. He shocked us by telling the court audience that we "failed" Logan and terminated our guardianship. The judge reduced his 3 misdemeanors to 2; 21 days served in the hall is done and 6 months probation and his case is being transferred to Riverside County and said that Logan is now their problem. I guarantee that Logan and his mother will have a big argument within one week or sooner, because he has not learned a thing except to bully adults.

What I've seen the public defenders do is plea bargain serious offenses (felonies) down to misdemeanors so the kids do not have to spend time in the hall due to overcrowding. There is no offer of classes like you have or counseling for either parents or children. The deputies do not like dealing with juvenile probation; public defenders do not like dealing with parents and keep us in the dark and the kids get to make their own decisions regarding their pleas.

My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court? Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble? Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Our biggest problems here in central California is drugs and gangs. A 12 year old boy just shot and killed his 76 year old grandmother. He was probably expelled from school because he had "problems" in school and was being home schooled by grandma. They got into an altercation and he shot her. If there could be an intervention when teachers see the ODD behavior, parents could take your course early enough to turn the kid around. Logan has been acting out since kindergarten. By 6th grade, his teacher wanted to kick him out of class, so I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on Concerta which helped some. I don't agree now that kids need to be put on drugs to control behavior. It's too late for us and Logan?

There are way too many out of control kids out here. I really feel sorry for teachers, because they have to deal with a lot of students acting out. What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Thanks for listening.

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court?

Most parents (90% +) are able to avoid involving their child in the system at all. Those who attend the live group – or join OPS – after their juvenile is already on probation greatly cut down on the length of time he/she is on probation. Plus the juvenile whose parent is using these strategies tends to violate probation much less than those in the control group.

Re: Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble?

Some are court-ordered – most are not.

Re: Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Only Indiana currently. But I hope to branch out as my Higher Power leads me to do so.

Re: It's too late for us and Logan?

It’s never too late.

Re: What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Tell them to Google for www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com …then they can see for themselves whether or not the program is of any value to them.

Mark

College Student Needs To Learn How To Budget

Hi mark

Y___ at college…

She entitled to £30.p/week as student, which goes into her bank account although at present isn't yet receiving as late application. X gives her money every week I just give her on daily basis as required to get to college and lunch when she runs out. X gives more than required for college so she uses for going out, rubbish food, clothes (you name it). She has stolen quite substantial sums of money from myself and x without consistent consequences in the past, im quite observant and careful so have received it back if caught before spending but x isn't aware half the time and leaves money around for easy picking, she has been sacked or walked out on p/t jobs, and is determined not to work as she knows that she owes a lot of money to various folk. When she committed these mentioned acts I said she needs to pay us all back.

On assignment 1 put into place chores, so should I start paying for these? But she has been reasonably good, as I comment on her helpful acts, but admittedly, not always.
Not sure how to go about grant money. Because she abuses money and uses for her needs.... has not learnt self-reliance.

K.

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You will want to follow the recommendations in “The Art of Saying Yes” and in “The Art of Saying No”.

Bottom line: This is a golden opportunity for your daughter to learn how to budget. The basics of budgeting are the same for students as they are for anybody else: list the sources of income, such as savings from summer jobs, financial support from parents, financial aid from the school, scholarships, and income from a job. Then list expenses, such as tuition, books, groceries, gas, entertainment, etc., in as much detail as possible. Make a budget worksheet.

If expenses are less than income, she’s in good shape as long as she sticks to a spending plan. If expenses are MORE than income, she needs to find ways to cut spending or increase your income.

Throwing money at her will NOT teach budgeting – and a college degree is no guarantee of an ability to manage money wisely. It takes effort and discipline, and the time to start is now. So keep this larger goal of “teaching her how to budget” in the back of your mind.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teacher Picking On Student?

Mark, I am into the second week of the program and have made some progress with my son. However, he has a teacher that seems to have the ability to reverse in one 45 minute class period what took me 3 days to accomplish. It frustrates the hell out of me. About a month ago my son had a hernia repair operation and missed one week of school to recover. That seems to be where things started to break down. She failed to send his assignments like the other teachers did and gave him zeros on the assignments he missed. I have lodged several complaints with the school about this. In short, there seems to be constant tension between the two. She calls me almost daily complaining about misbehavior in her class and sends him to the principal's office. Here are some of the "offenses" he has committed that results in him getting put on detention. "He rolled his eyes at me." "He gave me a funny look." "He wouldn't answer a question when called on."

Mark, he has no problems with any of his other teachers and is doing quite well in his other classes. I believe he feels like he is getting picked on by her and singled out. I have asked the school to move him to another class. However, they so far have refused. I certainly don't want his problems in her class to affect his other classes and desperately am trying to find a solution. He is very upset about this class. Any suggestions? Thanks, R.

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He threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep...

Hi V.,

==> I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

The new rules worked for a couple of days. K didn't sleep after school, did his homework and showed it to me and got off the internet on time. This was nothing short of a miracle, and showed me yet again, how the program really changes behaviour.

Then he breached the internet limit time (I did give him a couple of reminders, so he did this on purpose). Consequence = lost internet access for 24 hrs. Then he wouldn't show me his homework - so his phone has been disabled for 24 hrs.

==> Ooops! Not a good move. This is the beginning of a power struggle.

Whenever a child introduces new problems on top of an existing one, parents should put the new problem in the "deal-with-it-later" file. Please review Q & A - On Discipline [under "The Art of Saying No" - Session #2 - online version of eBook].

Anyway, I am sticking to the rules, and he tried all sorts of things to get me to change my mind (swearing, screaming, saying it was life or death if he couldn't access the internet - mind you, he couldn't explain why). I remained calm and explained he chose to breach the rules, therefore he chose the consequences.

In the end, he stood in my way and when I tried to go past him, he threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep. I calmly told him his bullying will not work, and that he has now lost the phone for 48 hrs for threatening me.

My question is this: do I go to the police to report him? Or do I warn him I will do that if he is violent again?

==> Warn one time, then follow through with calling the police if it happens again. The cops can't do much, but you don't want to model for your son that it is O.K. to engage in domestic battery (which IS illegal).

(He physically shoved me just when I started this program, and he had his phone taken.)

I don't want to give him attention for his bad behaviour, or look scared, like I need police protection.

==> Good move!

If the police start to get involved, he will get a caution I guess, but not much more given he is 15 yrs. He is likely to be scared initially but then his bravado might increase when he realises that they can't do much to him.

Is he more likely to give up this behaviour with consequences that I impose (clearly the phone disabling and internet being cut off is very painful for him), or by involving the law?

==> Stick with your consequences (and use the deal-with-it-later file), but also involve authorities when your son becomes violent.

I would appreciate your advice, and thank you for your support thus far, it has been invaluable in giving me the strength to keep going.

Vicky

==> You're welcome.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok...

Good morning Mark;

Just started reading your Ebook and WOW, even if my daughter who is 14 is not as bad as some, just dealing with small issues compared to some, I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok and I started the techniques from Assignment 1 and already can see a look of astonishment on my daughters face.

So on that note - Thank you and I am looking forward to what else the program has to offer.

Thanks Mark, everything you state just in the first 30 odd pages hit the nail on the head!

Have a wonderful day - because my daughter and I will try too!

J.

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