Home-School an ODD Teen?

Mark-

Thank you for such a great website. It really helps to have this support. I started applying your advice 3 days ago as I believe my son has ODD, and yes, it did get worse at first… I went through two days of hell while my 13 year old son punched, insulted and swore at me and his younger brother continuously- (his older sister keeps out of his way). I kept calm and did not show my anger and today he woke up in a good mood ...the first time in a many months. He was much calmer and only has had one outburst.

So I am continuing with the program and I know I have along way to go. He has been home from school for 3 weeks as he got beaten up by boys from his previous school and now says he hates school so I am trying to work with school, doctor and education authorities to get him back. (I live in England and the system is different here).

He is very bright but hates the school environment. I am a part-time college teacher myself and would like your opinion about whether I should let him home school which is what he wants or encourage him to return to school. I can see he really hates it but it is difficult for me to decide as I really enjoyed school as a child.

Thank you again so much... having the video clips is wonderful as being a single parent I have no one to discuss these problems with- what you say makes me laugh as it seems you are describing my child!

R.

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Hi R.,

It has been my experience that ODD children do poorly in regular school. I always recommend that they either home-school or attend an alternative school (alternative schooling being the better choice of the two).

In the event you would want to consider home-schooling, here are some ideas to get you started:

· A driving home-schooled adolescent can help take older family members to doctor appointments, grocery, etc.

· A family trip to learn History and Geography by seeing the country would be great fun full of valuable learning opportunities.

· A home-schooled adolescent can drive siblings to events while parents get other things accomplished (such as planning more difficult high school lessons).

· Doing a home improvement project as a family could increase home value while math, art and design skills, etc. are learned in a natural way.

· Grandparents can help teach valuable lessons while spending special time with their home-schooling grandkids.

· Home-schooling also allows one to know their child better.

· Home-schooling families can take vacations in off-season months which saves money and avoids crowds.

· Hours of practice can be dedicated to a special talent (spelling bee champs are often home-schoolers).

· If the home-school teacher is out of shape, doing 'P.E." together can be fun and healthy. Joining a local health club, pool, or walking club would add to the choices.

· If the home-school teacher loved art, for instance, visits to museums and taking community or college classes together could be great fun.

· In a family emergency, home-schooled students can travel or spend time helping out.

· Most home-schoolers get along well with their parents and trust their advice.

· Spending some time on a volunteer project could mean learning across the curriculum while changing the community in a wonderful way.

· Subjects that were missed in high school can be learned with the student.

· There are opportunities for high school aged adolescents to do internships or get a part time job. This can be a huge advantage later when needing to list experiences on job and college applications. Also, home-schoolers can work hours other kids can't.

· Today's DVDs and computer programs make learning fun for all ages.

· When students grow up as home-schooling friends and attend special functions together, all the parents and kids can get to know each other well. Home-schooled students tend to socialize well with kids of all ages and with parents too. This makes for safe and fun gatherings and outings in the important high school years.

Home-schooling families who learn to balance education and life to achieve a happy and healthy home are more likely to enjoy a home education lifestyle. Here are some ways to live daily life while home-schooling:

· Teens can help sell items on online auctions. Home-schoolers can learn life skills, math, language arts, and more as they help with family income.

· Add a garden journal where plant growth is tracked and math, handwriting, and language arts are covered naturally, as well as creating a good reference for the next year.

· Animals are instant learning opportunities.

· By refurbishing an old car, the family gets a classic vehicle and adolescents learn skills in 'auto shop.'

· Choose the best books and music, avoiding junk books and "mind candy."

· Computer games are always useful.

· Cooking, sewing, housework, and grocery shopping teach children life skills across the curriculum.

· Dealing with the inevitable bugs and watching growth teaches science.

· Encourage children to be discerning in building their own libraries.

· Find deals at used book-shops and yard sales.

· Games such as Yahtzee, Monopoly, and Blurt develop logic, math, and language arts skills.

· Gardening is important for providing food to some families.

· Older children can help in your work if you have a business.

· Plant flowers to pick (even if you only have room for one small pot).

· Saving up money for a good cause is also valuable.

· Saying "Hand me that pint of milk" teaches volume, for instance. Doubling recipes or measuring fabric help reach family goals for food and décor or clothing.

· Adolescents can make shopping lists, figure a family budget, do laundry, clean, etc.

· There are endless charities, churches, and non-profit organizations that would love help from home-schoolers.

· Volunteering as a family teaches the children compassion and other character traits, math, art, and life skills while fulfilling family goals to serve others in the community.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Sibling Rivalry: Tips for Exhausted Parents

HI Mark - we have finished the course and I must say a BIG thank you! It is working....doesn't always go smoothly but has been really helpful for us and I am very grateful. Now I have another issue that doesn't seem to really be addressed within your course.

I have two boys - 16 (Junior) and 13 (8th grade). They are at each other constantly - picking verbally away until it escalates into an argument with shouting and yelling. The younger one knows how to goat the older one. Of course, they each think we take the others side and treat them differently.

Here is my question.....I'm upstairs - they are downstairs - I hear the argument beginning and by the time I get downstairs they are yelling at each other and shoving (of course the other one started it and swore or pushed me or something - and of course they both deny it ). I didn't hear nor see what just happened and I don't know who is telling the truth. If I say "just stop fighting and one of you go upstairs and one go downstairs," I am accused of not punishing one for hitting or swearing - "I always get punished and he never does" …etc......even though I didn't see it or hear it. Sometimes my 16 year old will go into a verbal rage because I don't give the younger one consequences. It totally raises my blood pressure and I am caught in the middle. What is my course of action? HUGE THANKS!!

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Hi T.,

What you’re referring to is sibling rivalry (which is covered in the audio portion of the online eBook).

“Ignoring” behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy – but when it comes to sibling rivalry – it is often the best strategy. Here’s a two-part plan:

1. Don't take sides. If you intervene in squabbling, it should never be on one side or the other. Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm. By harm I mean the possibility of causing injury, not minor pain. Say, "The two of you stop it” …rather than, “Michael, stop hitting your brother” (which sounds like you’re taking sides).

2. Never listen to what went on. And I mean never. Again, the only exception is if there is potential harm to one or the other child.

When rivalry is present, here are the four common issues that kids are really fighting about:

1. Expressing competition. We live in a competitive society and sibling rivalry is an extension of that. It’s a way for kids to compete with each other and learn how to manage their own competitive behavior.

2. Getting a parent’s attention. This is the most common issue that spurs sibling fighting.

3. Jealousy. One sibling may be jealous of the other (what the other one has, how the other one looks, or how well the other one does in school).

4. Teasing. Sibling fighting may take the form of teasing. By doing this, they test the limits of what’s socially acceptable. In the family, kids can test what they can say by judging what kind of pain it causes. Though children may learn important lessons about how to interact with other people, there are other ways to learn that are less hurtful.

Here’s a list of helpful tips that parents can use to reduce or stop sibling rivalry:

Avoid favoritism. Some researchers believe that perceived favoritism is the greatest cause of sibling rivalry. So avoiding it helps immensely. This can be challenging since parents may favor certain traits in teenagers over other traits. That means teenagers who have the favored traits become favored.

• Hint #1: Pay attention to each child and determine what kind of attention is needed. Consider that teenagers are different and need different things at different times. An exact minute for minute accounting of your attention is not essential. Sometimes a child may require some extra time.
• Hint #2: Give each child his or her own special time with you. During this time, make sure no one else is around to compete for your attention.

Don’t take sides, don't be the judge. When they’re fighting, tell the kids, “I want you two to work this out,” and walk away. Don’t get involved in the fight.

Don't pay attention to the fight; stay out of it. If they are fighting for your attention and you don't get involved, they will learn other, hopefully better ways to get your attention.

Know when to intervene. Sibling rivalry can develop into abuse if one sibling regularly victimizes the other. If you follow all of the above, this probably will not happen. But if you’re still struggling with this situation, be alert. Check to see if someone is really getting hurt and who’s too helpless to stop the abuser. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. If it’s going on, your response must be prompt and significant. This must not be allowed. If you can’t stop the abuser yourself, seek outside help—a counselor, a friend of family member, or the police or other authorities if you can't stop it any other way.

Make clear that ongoing conflict is unacceptable. When the fighting has stopped, say something to the rivals like, “I’m unhappy with the present level of fighting and I want you two to find a way to work this out.” If a fight is just beginning, you may give the rivals a group goal so they can work together for a positive outcome.

Offer problem-solving strategies when the teenagers are not fighting. It may be necessary to work with each child individually, but be really careful that you are not inadvertently playing into the rivalry by giving the desired attention. Offer support without saying whether the child is right or wrong. Ask what the child thinks the fight was about and how he or she might avoid this kind of fight in the future.

Remain positive. By finding something positive about each of your teenagers on an ongoing basis, you’ll reduce the level of sibling rivalry.

Teach empathy. Empathy is the opposite of sibling rivalry. The more sensitive siblings are to each other’s emotions, the less they’ll challenge each other as rivals.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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My Daughter Needs A LOT OF Attention!

"I have an 8-year-old daughter who said that she needs attention. She is the only child and I think she is getting 110%. How can I positively help her?"

It's normal for kids to need attention and approval. However, attention-seeking becomes a problem when it happens all the time. Even charming attention-seeking can become controlling. Many kids make tragedies out of trivial concerns to get your sympathy. Excessive attention-seeking results in a situation where your youngster commands your life.

Many kids misbehave to get attention. The most notorious reason for misbehavior in young kids, this can be the seed for discipline problems in later childhood and adolescence.

Your goal is not to eliminate your youngster's need for attention and approval. When handled correctly, your youngster's need for attention can be a helpful tool for improving your youngster's behavior. Eliminate not the need for attention, but those attention- seeking behaviors that are excessive or unacceptable. A mother who says, "Sarah, I know that you want me to stay and paint with you. I am busy now. If you can be patient and paint by yourself for ten minutes, I'll be able to spend some time with you then," is giving Sarah an opportunity to have the attention that she wants and needs. She is not giving in to nagging.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Much Attention Is Too Much?

That depends on you. How much attention-seeking can you tolerate? The rule is that kids will seek as much attention as you give them. You must strike a balance between how much your kids want and how much you can give. Even normal attention-seeking can drive you crazy on some days.

Do not let your kid's need for attention turn into demands for attention. When kids do not get enough attention, they resort to outbursts, tantrums, nagging, teasing, and other annoying behaviors. They think, "If I can't get attention by being good, then I'll misbehave to get Mom's attention."

Three Kinds of Attention—

Adult attention and approval are among the strongest rewards for kids. Unfortunately, moms & dads seldom use attention wisely. There are three kinds of attention:

· Positive Attention

· Negative Attention

· No Attention

When you give your kids attention and approval for being well behaved, they are getting positive attention. Positive attention means catching kids being good. Focus on positive behavior. Positive attention can be words of praise or encouragement, closeness, hugs, or a pat on the back. A pleasant note in your youngster's lunch box works well. Positive attention increases good behavior.

When you give your youngster attention for misbehavior, you are giving negative attention. Negative attention typically begins when you become upset. You follow with threats, interrogation, and lectures. Negative attention is not a punishment; it is a reward. Negative attention does not punish misbehavior, but increases it.

What is the easiest way to capture your attention-sitting quietly or misbehaving? When kids do not receive attention in a positive way, they will get your attention any way they can. Do not pay attention to misbehavior. Pay attention to good behavior.

Avoid this scenario:

James and David are sitting quietly and watching Saturday-morning cartoons for thirty minutes. Everything is peaceful. Father is working on the computer. Suddenly, an argument erupts: "It's my turn to pick a show." Father charges into the room. He turns off the television, scolds the two kids, and sends them to their rooms.

For thirty minutes, these kids were well behaved. Father said nothing to them about how well they were doing. Nothing was said about how quiet they were. Nothing was said about how well they were cooperating. The moment there was trouble, Father was instantly mobilized. Father did not give them any positive attention while they were being good. When they began misbehaving, Father rushed in with plenty of negative attention.

Negative attention teaches kids how to manipulate and get their way. They learn to be troublesome. They learn how to interrupt you. They learn how to control you. Negative attention teaches kids how to tease, nag, and annoy. It teaches kids to aggravate, irritate, and exasperate. We teach this by not paying attention to our kids when they are behaving appropriately, and by paying attention to them when they are misbehaving.

I have worked with hundreds of moms & dads who have taught their kids to be negative attention seekers. I have never met a parent who taught this deliberately. When you attend to the negative and ignore the positive, you teach your kids to behave in a negative way. Your youngster will misbehave to get your attention in the future.

Do not wait for misbehavior to happen. Do not take good behavior for granted. We do this with teenagers. We come to expect good behavior, and overlook their efforts. When a youngster demonstrates good behavior, notice it. Look for it. The more you notice, the more you will find. You will get more good behavior in the future. Anyone can catch kids being bad. Turn this around. Catch them being good. It's not easy. It takes practice.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Statistics show that the average American parent spends seven minutes a week with each of their kids. Do better than average. Telling your kids that you love them is not enough. Show them that you love them. Spend ten minutes of quality time with each youngster every day. No excuses, like I was just too busy today, or I didn't have time. We are all too busy.

In many families, both moms & dads work. Some moms & dads work two jobs. Your most important job is being a parent. When you come home after work, give the first thirty minutes to your kids. Do not be the moms & dads whose only hour with their daughter this week was in the principal's office or at the police station. Write your kids into your plan book. Make an appointment with each of your kids every day. Go for a walk and listen to what is happening in their lives. Turn off the TV for an hour and talk.

How to Ignore—

When you ignore misbehavior, you are giving no attention. Because attention is rewarding to kids, withholding attention can be an effective punishment. Withholding attention can weaken a misbehavior. When your youngster misbehaves to get your attention, ignore the misbehavior. Ignore your youngster's inappropriate demands for attention. You will weaken those demands and extinguish the misbehavior.

Some moms & dads find this hard to believe; they think that if a youngster is misbehaving, he must be punished. This is not true. Ignoring demands for attention is the best cure. When you ignore consistently, you will teach your youngster that misbehavior is not paid off with attention. Temper tantrums need an audience. Take the audience away, and there is no point to having a tantrum. Do not forget to redirect. Teach kids appropriate ways to get attention. "My ears do not listen to whining. Please ask in a soft voice."

When to Ignore—

Ignoring does not mean ignoring the problem. It means ignoring demands for negative attention. There are many misbehaviors that you should not ignore. Some misbehavior should be punished. Deciding when to ignore or when to punish is not easy, and there are no exact rules. It takes timing and judgment. When your youngster misbehaves to get attention, ignore it. If your youngster does not stop in two or three minutes, give him a reminder. Tell your youngster, "I do not respond to whining. When you stop, we'll talk." Wait another minute or two. If he still does not stop, then tell your youngster to stop or he will be punished: "Stop now, or you will go to time-out."

If you get angry or let your youngster push your buttons, you lose. If you must use a punishment, dispense the punishment without anger. If you get angry, then your youngster has succeeded in getting the negative attention that he was after. If you feel yourself getting angry, walk away. Cool off. If you give in, you will be providing your youngster with an attention payoff. You will be rewarding a misbehavior.

Do not take good behavior for granted: give your kids positive attention when they are behaving. Ignore demands for attention such as teasing and whining; giving in to these demands encourages kids to misbehave to get attention. Understanding these ideas is easy, but practicing them is difficult. You are worth it. Make the commitment. Your kids are worth it, too.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I am planning to do some workshops for parents...

Hi Mark,

I downloaded your course some time ago, to help me with my counselling work with teenagers.

There was one young lady of 15 years that I had been working with, who was the 'gang leader', drinking, spending the night with lads not coming home on time, driving her parents insane etc. etc, (actually there have been a few of these cases!) who is now behaving much, much better. The family are agreed that things are 90 percent better than before and the young lady decided that: "It don't get better than that!" She doesn't want to be too goody goody because that means she's 'boring' and 'uncool.' She's doing great, going to school (although reserves the right not to work hard if she doesn't want to!) and coming in at a reasonable hour. No more gangs and much less drinking.

Your course was extremely helpful Mark. I had been working with the same sort of strategies as you, but your course helped a lot because it is so well structured. I am planning to do some workshops for parents in the New Year, and looking forward to helping a lot more families.

Is it ok to use the handouts from your course? (e.g, Indulgence Quotient)

Warm Regards

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Is it ok to use the handouts from your course?

Sure... I wish you tremendous success with your workshops!!!

Mark :)

Online Parent Support

Teens & Moving to a New Country

Hi Mark,

I've just downloaded your book and have already begun to feel a better understanding of what's happening in our home.

In August we moved our family of 2 teenage girls (15 and 16) away from our home in Canada to Europe. Our 16 year old has taken to the move like a duck to water, but our 15 year old is really struggling. About 10 months ago she started hanging out with a bad crowd and 'fell in love' with a bad boy (school drop out, problems with the police, bad home situation). Her behaviour has gone downhill - swearing at me and disrespectful, school marks dropping drastically, dropping out of all her activities. We thought the move to Europe would be a chance for her to 're-set' and get back on a good path, but she is SO angry with me. She won't spend time with us, tells me she hates me and I'm stupid, and won't even look at my husband. Reading your book I recognize that my behaviour has contributed alot to getting her where she is (way too indulgent!).

I'm sure she is not doing well at her new school and that she thinks that if she fails we will send her back 'home' to live. She has this fantasy that we'll pay for her to live in an apartment with her friend. I'm trying to make her focus on building her life here and to stop looking back. What advice do you have to help us get her to move on?

Many thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

Relocating to a new community may be one of the most stress-producing experiences a family faces. Frequent moves or even a single move can be especially hard on kids and teens. Studies show kids who move frequently are more likely to have problems at school. Moves are even more difficult if accompanied by other significant changes in the youngster's life, such as a death, divorce, loss of family income, or a need to change schools.

Moves interrupt friendships. To a new youngster at school, it may at first seem that everyone else has a best friend or is securely involved with a group of peers. The youngster must get used to a different schedule and curriculum, and may be ahead in certain subjects and behind in others. This situation may make the youngster stressed, anxious or bored.

Kids in kindergarten or first grade may be particularly vulnerable to a family move because developmentally they are just in the process of separating from their parents and adjusting to new authority figures and social relationships. The relocation can interfere with that normal process of separation by causing them to return to a more dependent relationship with their parents.

In general, the older the youngster, the more difficulty he or she will have with the move because of the increasing importance of the peer group. Pre-teens and teenagers may repeatedly protest the move, or ask to stay in their hometown with a friend's family. Some youngsters may not talk about their distress, so parents should be aware of the warning signs of depression, including changes in appetite, social withdrawal, a drop in grades, irritability, sleep disturbances or other dramatic changes in behavior or mood.

Kids who seem depressed by a move may be reacting more to the stress they are experiencing than to the relocation. Sometimes one parent may be against the move, and kids will sense and react to this parental discord.

To make the move easier on kids, parents may take these steps:

· After the move, get involved with the kids in activities of the local church or synagogue, PTA, scouts, YMCA, etc.

· Describe advantages of the new location that the youngster might appreciate such as a lake, mountain or an amusement park.

· Explain clearly to the kids why the move is necessary.

· Familiarize the kids as much as possible with the new area with maps, photographs or the daily newspaper.

· Help kids keep in touch with friends from the previous neighborhood through telephone, letters, e-mail, and personal visits.

· If a son or daughter is a senior in high school, consider the possibility of letting him or her stay with a trusted family until the school year is over.

· Let kids participate in designing or furnishing their room.

The more frequently a family moves - the more important is the need for internal stability. With the proper attention from parents, and professional help if necessary, relocating can be a positive growth experience for kids, leading to increased self-confidence and interpersonal skills.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I bought this book to share with foster carers...

Dear Mark. I am a trainer for foster carers in Royal Kingston-Upon-Thames, UK. As a social worker, I have worked for years with families and foster families trying to manage their out of control teens. I bought this book to share with foster carers and I'll also purchase the CDs to lend out to foster carers.

Who knows --- I might still find some tips to use on my grown up children when they offend me!! I love my eldest grandson (16) to bits but he has ADHD and I know how my daughter struggles with his behaviour. This book could help her too.

Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?

Many thanks

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?

Yes ...absolutely!

Good luck,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Stepdaughter Hates Stepmother

Hello, before I waste anymore time I thought I'd cut straight to the point and just ask if you cover teens loving in split homes with step-parents. My step-teenager lives one week with her Dad and I, and one week with her mother (and boyfriend). Issues seem to come from the fact that she all of a sudden hates me, even though I've been around for 8 years and she's 15. Do you cover anything like that because every book. Other therapist try to treat me like I'm a "parent" when she does not see me that way, so none of the tactics work. Just curious, as this teen is destroying my marriage and seems to be enjoying herself while she is doing it. Thanks for your time. Sincerely, B.

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Hi B.,

I can promise you that you will benefit from my program.

You are more of a mentor than a mother. You are an adult male in your stepdaughter’s life, much like an aunt, a scout leader or a teacher, but you live under the same roof and sleep with her father. Being one family unit will require careful planning with your husband. 

Set rules and boundaries together, but try to disrupt the family karma as little as possible. Decisions about finances need to be made with your partner as well, and not in a vacuum.

One of the major roads to failure as a stepmother is to take on the role of disciplinarian. The teenager tends to resent this new gal with new rules who comes in to disrupt her family. Successful stepmothers and family relations experts suggest that bio-dad should continue his role as the dispenser of discipline when required to maintain some consistency with the children. 

Your job as stepmother is to support his role, to make sure he is treated with respect, and to show solidarity. If you disagree with something, discuss it in private and reach a common understanding with your husband so as not to undermine his role.

Don't take rebellion personally. The teenage years are the transition time from dependence as a child to independence as an adult. Rebellion in some form is to be expected from all teens, even in intact families. 

So don't get offended when your stepdaughter is rebellious; take it in stride and focus on the behavior exhibited. It is less likely to be focused at you than it is to be focused on their changing world.

If you are consistent, stay within your role, and show that you care about and love her and her dad, the barriers will eventually come down and a positive relationship will become the pattern.

All the above is easier said than done, but very possible none-the-less.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents