Her grades have gone from B's to F's...

My 15 year old daughter has had years worth of problems being accepted by her peers (she was diagnosed with ADHD at age 12). This past summer, she earned enough money to buy her own cell phone and pays a monthly fee for unlimited texting. Her grades have gone from B's to F's. I think she has become addicted to the constant source of contact with peers (regardless of if it is worthwhile, supportive, etc. or not). While I do not micromanage her school work, I have tried to provide incentive. For example, she was told that she could not get her drivers permit without having a 3.0 average. I had her pay for 1/2 of the classroom drivers ed program, but by the time she was 15 1/2 and could get her permit, her grades were all failing and I did not allow her to get the permit until her grades are back to a 3.0. She is continuing to not show any motivation to do anything in her classes. She frequently does not do homework, fails tests and hands in things incomplete, because she says she is busy or too tired. ????? Any suggestions? Thank you!

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Hi Mary,

You are still trying to “manage” her academic performance (by withholding driving privileges and trying to provide incentives).

Whenever you are in doubt about what decision to make, always ask yourself, “Will this foster self-reliance – or dependency in my child?” Clearly, disallowing her to get a driving permit -- and then her license -- fosters dependency (i.e., she has to depend on others for transportation).

It will be helpful for all concerned for you to stop taking ownership of her education – and allow her to get that permit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

These are difficult kids...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your reply re things worsening again at home. As far as can tell we are doing about 95% of the things you suggest but I will concede we do miss a thing here and there on reflection. M___ gave her some money ($1) the other day because they had gone down to the sea with friends and were jumping off the local pier which was a bit high. The other dad said to his kids that if they were brave and jumped off, he would give them some money so then A___ wanted some and M___ gave in (she did jump off). I got a bit cross but he said she'd earned it-I disagreed because I thought what she was doing was not actually work.

I am saying no to EVERY request for a material item or privilege and (as you suggest) telling her how she can earn the item whereas M___ I feel is not taking it all to the "nth" degree and she is trying to take hold of the reins again. After a particularly bad week of disrespect and aggravation, I suspended her allowance but have re-instated it as the behavior has improved. She is still not too enthusiastic about chores but is doing some here and there.

I must admit my poker face is perhaps a little strained after a long day and she is possibly seeing how much I can take...I guess I didn't realise that even a tiny slip-up here and there would herald a big relapse... These are difficult kids.

With regard to your ADHD inquiry about A___, I have not had her formally assessed, it was just a feeling I had about her because she is inattentive, hyperactive and immature. I was hoping to avoid medication and try behavior modification in the first instance and your website and e-book appealed to me for these reasons. I listen to your cds in the car a lot and will get back on the computer if we can't get back on track. Thanks for your time!

L.

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Hi L.,

You are indeed a good student and a good parent -- and I appreciate as well as honor that. If I haven't told you before, parents like you give me the inspiration to continue in this line of work.

I have a feeling that you never get too far off track with these parenting strategies. I also have a hunch that you are back on full course now.

And yes ...the intense child brings a whole new meaning to the term "parenting difficulties."

Stay in touch,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

The Insidiousness of Over-Indulgence

Adult consequences that result when one has been raised by an over-indulgent parent—

· Attitude toward life: Self-indulgent, bored, apathetic, restless, no initiative.
· Attitude toward others: Passive expectation of getting from others.
· Attitude toward sex/marriage: Attaches to partners who indulge him. May use attractiveness or pretend weakness.
· Attitude toward work: Expects them to anticipate his wishes. Hates to work. Can't find a job. No career decisions, no preparation, or persistence.

As these adults were growing up, here’s what happened:

They were given their freedom to choose and decide for themselves. They were not given much, if any, discipline or rules. Their parents were very loving and nurturing, but had great difficulty saying "no" and setting limits.

Children with this parenting style tend to have more behavioral problems as adults.

Common traits among these children when they grow up:

· Cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job
· Has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits
· Has trouble with significant other relationships (possible multiple divorces)
· Immature
· Selfish
· Spoiled
· Take advantage of friends, family, coworkers, etc.
· Uncaring

My Spoiled Teenager

Teen Home Alone

Both my husband and I work. Thus, or son is home alone during the day (after school). We cannot supervise him and have told him not to have any friends over while we are away. He violates this request regularly. Any advice?

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As dual-earner families have become the norm, the different kinds of 'time' kids spend with parents has become an important issue. I suggest that simple parental presence or absence is not necessarily the main problem for teens that are irresponsible with “home alone” time. Rather, it is the lack of trust between parent and teen.

All relationships are based on trust. Kids want and need to trust their parents. Parents want (and need) to trust their kids. Trust makes honest communication possible; it builds relational bridges; it gives meaning to our respective roles; it provides security; it stimulates responsibility and caring. If a teen never learns to trust, the results can be devastating.

“Trusting” must be learned. Even the world of psychology recognizes that kids are born without the ability to trust. Developmentally, kids learn to trust as they bond with their parents.

This is why the OPS program uses a two-pronged approach: assertive parenting (e.g., the 3-day discipline) alongside a steady diet of nurturing (e.g., catching kids doing things right).

For many families, broken trust is an ongoing cycle -- the teen lies, breaks curfew, experiments with drugs, or gets into trouble at school. The parents respond with guilt trips, threats to take away privileges, and violations of their teen's privacy. Both sides feel trust has been broken beyond repair.

Trust is a fundamental building block of parent-teen relationships, especially as kids develop into teenagers. In general, trust is broken when a parent or teen acts in a way that doesn't meet the other's expectations. Both parents and teens break the other's trust when they engage in outbursts or temper tantrums, guilt trips, or threats of any kind. Parents lose their teen's trust when they fail to set and enforce limits and when they resort to snooping or spying to learn about their teen's life.

Trust is a two-way street. In order to gain their parents' trust, teens have to demonstrate a pattern of trustworthy behavior. Every time a teen follows a rule or meets their parent's expectation, the baseline trust and respect expand. The key is remembering trust builds slowly and can be broken down easily. For every five times you do the right thing, it only takes one poor decision to undo the trust you've built.

Just as every teen wants to be trusted, every parent needs to earn their teen's trust. A parent builds trust every time he treats others with respect, follows through on a commitment or promise, or stands firm in setting and enforcing boundaries. This doesn't necessarily mean your kids will 'like' you or treat you like a friend. But trust has little to do with how much we like someone or their decisions. Rather, it is the firm belief in the honesty and reliability of another person. That's what being a parent is all about - giving a teen what they need, not necessarily what they want.

Here are some steps parents can take to rebuild trust after it has been broken:

· Create a roadmap for success—Telling a teen to "act his age" or "do the right thing" won't give him the information he needs to win your trust. Instead, give him specific benchmarks that will help him meet your expectations. Explain that while behaviors like cursing, slamming doors, ignoring homework assignments, and talking back will diminish trust, behaviors like finishing chores on time, getting good grades, and calling to check in at a designated time will increase trust.

· Explain the benefits—When parents trust their teen, everyone benefits. Since teens tend to be somewhat self-absorbed, you may need to explain the concrete ways in which a trusting relationship will benefit your teen. For example, a teen may earn greater privileges like a later curfew, permission to drive the family car more often, more time with friends, or the freedom to go on that trip he has been planning. By explaining how trust is relevant to him, how it can make life at home more peaceful and supportive, and how it can improve his life in general, he's more likely to stay motivated to do the hard work.

· Give positive reinforcement—When your teen meets your expectations, verbally reinforce those positive behaviors by acknowledging his efforts. Show your appreciation with a simple "thank you" or pat on the back, and offer additional privileges and rewards as he becomes more trustworthy. By giving positive feedback, your teen sees that you, the parent, are willing to do the work, and he will feel encouraged to behave responsibly. Remember, there will always be bumps in the road to rebuilding trust. The family may be making progress and suddenly something happens to break trust down again. The ups and downs are all important parts of the process, and even small failures can result in stronger bonds. Sometimes teens need to take one step back before taking the next step forward. For the family's sake, both parents and teens need to be willing to try and try again.

· Open the lines of communication—Ask your teen open-ended questions about what trust is, how it was broken, and what steps can be taken to rebuild those bonds. Rather than assuming everyone knows what trust is, decide collectively on a family definition of trust, try to understand each other's perspective, and clear up any misunderstandings up front. Families should discuss the fact that trust is a two-way street and that both parent and teen have responsibilities in the process of reconnecting. As the family negotiates the rules and boundaries, schedule regular meetings to discuss your progress and evaluate any setbacks.

· Trust yourself—Parents are in the best position to know what's right for their kids. Even if both parent and teen are working hard to rebuild trust, both parties must set reasonable expectations of themselves and others. Trust grows slowly, piece by piece, with every good decision that is made. Trust-building is not an end in and of itself. It is an ongoing process of renegotiation and personal and collective growth that is required in every relationship. With communication, patience, and a little faith, you can replace past hurts with loving bonds and hope for a more fulfilling relationship.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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You always make so much sense, as far as I'm concerned you're the "the new Dr. Phil." I have told numerous people about you, even my friend who is a family therapist.

We try to be logical, as opposed to emotional , but sometimes it's hard. Your " voice of reason " brings us back and helps put things in perspective with our son.

Can't thank you enough !!!

He definitely has some ODD -ness...

Hi Mark,

I recently joined your wonderful "help-net" by getting the Ebook and receiving more information from the chats, etc.

We started implementing assign. #1 and some of your other advisements. I've always tried to show unconditional love , but separate the "trust" issue. My husband's emotions ebb and flow - It seemed things were getting a little better with our son but in the last week, he chose to leave school without "permission" and has been asked not to return, it was a small Christian school and they don't have the adequate personnel to handle "problem" students.

Based on your information, he definitely has some ODD-ness and now I'm beginning to wonder about some type of learning disability as well. It seems like he's more manageable when schools out, than when it's in. I'm trying to get an appt. to get him evaluated for ESE testing, so I'll know whether to rule that out or not. With no family to assist, his sisters are grown and gone and living out west.

We've thought about sending him out there to live with them, but then , it's not there " responsibility " to raise him, it's ours. We don't like leaving him at home during the day, because we've always had the rule, no friends at our house, when nether parent there, but with us both working , there's noway to know if he's having friends over and unfortunately there aren't any " teen daycares" that I'm aware of.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom . Thank you so much for providing strength, support and hope for us "frazzled families, may the Lord continue to bless you efforts.

My Out-of-Control Child

Over-Indulgence vs. Accountability

Hi J.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

I have a decision to make and hope you can help me with it.

My son has his graduation trip booked and the balance payment of $1300 is due now in order to keep the booking of the spot. Originally we agreed that each of us pays a half of the fee and I will reimburse him if he graduates. He paid a half for the initial payment, and I paid the full second payment because he did not have the money ready though he was working. So I told him he would pay the third payment all by himself and he didn't. It was an optional payment, so was left with the balance to be paid all together now.

He has not working since September for he planned he would study hard. He did not do that but goes to school every day and is not doing well, hit and miss with the passing.

I have been hoping that he would come to me and ask about it because he should worry about the balance payment. He hasn't. Shall I just pay it quietly?

==> Only if you want to continue to use an over-indulgent parenting style (the type of parenting that has contributed significantly to your current parent-child difficulties). I would suggest that you stick to the original agreement. If your son defaults on his part, then he chooses to lose the trip.

Shall I talk to him and then pays it? Shall I forget about it and lose the a few hundred already paid. The counselor we are seeing thinks that I should just pay for it and tell my son that he has been trying(because he goes to school every day). What shall I do and say to him? I feel stuck.

==> We always want to set-up situations at home that are representative of how the real world operates, and in the real world, if one does not live up to his end of the deal, the deal falls through.

Whenever you are in doubt about what to do in any particular situation, always ask yourself, "Is the decision I'm about to make going to foster the development of self-reliance or dependency?"

If your decision will help foster self-reliance -- it is a good decision. If it will foster more dependency, then you should come up with a different plan.

Clearly, allowing your son to forget his part of the original deal will foster more dependency. The money you'll lose will be money well spent on teaching your son a valuable lesson.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens & Stealing

Hi P.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

This is a wonderful service you provide. I have read most of your e-book and have pick up a lot of tips already.

Thank you for the kind words.

I have a question for you which I couldn't find an answer in the book.

My teen daughter (one of twins) is constantly taking things (particularly) my things without asking and yes I am going to use the cliché "I have tried everything" to stop this behaviour. I have explained to her, if she asks there is the likelihood of me saying "yes" if it is returned after she has finished with it, but she doesn't return the things and still keeps taking without asking. The taking also includes taking and eating foods. I have started making her pay for certain items of food she eats, eg choc chips which I use for cookies.

Preteens and teens know they're not supposed to steal, but might steal for the thrill of it or because their friends do. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they're given more control over their lives, some teens steal as a way of rebelling. They might be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stress at home, school, or with friends. In other cases, teens steal because they can't afford to pay for what they need or want — for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits. Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems that may surface.

It's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences when teens steal. This is covered in Session #3 [When You Want Something From Your Kid].

We lost our eldest daughter in April, 2008 from a rare disease. I am not sure if some of this behaviour is to do with grieving. My thinking it is more attention seeking. She is a very loud person and when she wants to be heard, she yells or screams. I say to her "No one hears a loud person as they are focused on the loudness and not at what the person is saying." We have other issues with her too, but the above are most concerning to me at present.

I would be very pleased to receive some strategies on how to deal with these issues. Also I have difficulty thinking up consequences or punishment for issues. Do you have a list of consequences?

Here are a few ideas:

• Confession— Confession is more powerful because it requires us to acknowledge to ourselves and then to state to another person what we did wrong. Confession is the opposite of lying to prevent punishment; and therefore, it should be rewarded. But, confession doesn't erase the need to make amends or face other consequences of wrongdoing

• Extra chores— It's especially good for older teens who know how to do the chore on their own. They may do it in a huff because it's certainly no fun, but it gets the point across that you will not let misbehavior slide.

• Making amends— There is a healing experience for the offender when he makes amends for his wrongdoing. Things are made right and that is a powerful learning effect for a simple consequence.

• Parental disapproval— In the context of a loving parent-child relationship, parental disapproval is often the most motivating of consequences. When kids think to themselves why they should choose to not do something wrong, it's usually because their parent would disapprove, not because they will have to go to time-out. Parental disapproval does not mean shaming however, and it's good to keep in mind the adage to criticize the behavior, not the person.

• Removal of possessions such as TV, cell phone, use of house phone, computer, car, etc.— It hurts and it's meant to give the child the time to think about their misbehavior through a feeling of loss. That's why it's important to not allow the child to simply replace that possession with something else that is pleasurable. If they don't feel the loss, they don't learn the lesson. In cases of serious misbehavior that is not responding to consequences, removal of ALL possessions may be called for. In this case, children earn back their TV, computer, etc. through excellent behavior.

• Removal of privileges such as having a friend over, going on an outing— These are the short-term consequences that we give children when they misbehave. The common term is 'grounding'. Grounding is most effective when you follow the guidelines above. The child should be warned that they will be grounded if a specific misbehavior is repeated; it should be for a single outing or very short time period; and when it's given, you should follow through.

• Replacing a broken or lost object by earning money or working it off— Related to making amends, when a child damages or loses their own possession, the natural consequence is that they don't have it anymore. When it is someone else's possession, they should learn that restitution is the right thing to do. This isn't punishment, it's simply the way the world works.

• Saying 'I'm sorry'— Saying 'I'm sorry' feels like punishment to some of us, but what a valuable lesson we learn when we find forgiveness and reparation of a relationship through the words, 'I'm sorry.'

• Time-out— Time-out is a good consequence on a number of levels. It gives both of you a cooling-off period and avoids escalation to pointless, angry arguments. It is also a form of social isolation and as such, teaches that in order to participate in the social group, you must follow certain social behaviors.

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents