He wants to throw his clean clothes on the floor...

Dear Mark:

I’m a new parent to your site. I need assistance and want to ensure I’m not being unreasonable with my son. Please advise me.

He wants to throw his clean clothes (that he did agree to wash and dry) on the floor in his closet rather than hang them up. I feel they should be hung up or put into drawers. I don’t even care if he folds then. He says he’ll just throw them on the floor.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just provide another “bin”, like his dirty clothes bin, and let him throw his clean clothes in there? I don’t want to be too demanding; it is his space and his clothes.

Please advise. Thanks.

K.

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Hi K.,

Great question. This falls into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. I'm sure you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about clothes on the floor.

Are you being unreasonable? Not really. Is it a battle you should fight. No way! Get a clean clothes bin.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Aspergers & Sound Therapy

Hi, I was wondering if anybody has tried sound therapy with their children, like Tomatis or AIT and what the results were?? My son was recently diagnosed with possibly Aspergers at 3 years of age, he is now 4-- he really does not act or behave in ways that are typical for Aspergers- by that I mean he does not need to stick to a rigid routine or have difficulty with new transitions--he does have different play behaviors- forms bottles, crayons and utensils and makes them into different shapes or numbers and is fascinated with both letters, numbers and music but has other areas of interest as well but not as strong of an interest. He definitely has some sensory issues going on and I was wondering if sound therapy could help this??

Please help??

Thanks—Christina

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Autism is a mystifying condition, which causes kids to become emotionally isolated from the world around them.

Aspergers is higher functioning autism, meaning the symptoms are milder and the child functions well or above average in many areas of life while still having certain abnormalities in their way of relating to others.

A definite cause of autism or Aspergers is not known, but a contributing factor is believed to be distortion in the reception of sensory information.

Many kids with autism exhibit extreme sensitivity to noise. Some frequencies are actually painful for them to hear. Sound Therapy pioneer Dr Tomatis suggests that, in order to shut out painful sounds or other unwanted stimuli, the child closes down the hearing mechanism so that certain sounds cannot penetrate the consciousness.

On a physiological level, this closing off of the ear is achieved by a relaxation of the muscles of the middle ear. Over time, these muscles lose their tonicity. Sounds are then imprecisely perceived and, as a result, incorrectly analyzed.

Tomatis believes that the reluctance of autistic kids to communicate results from the closing off of their being to auditory input. Although they may understand what is said to them, they have tuned out many of the frequencies in the sound and have thus tuned out the emotional content of the message.

Sound Therapy offers a child with autism the opportunity to re-open the listening capacity. The fluctuating sounds produced by the Electronic Ear gradually exercise and tone the ear muscles, teaching the ear to respond to and recognize the full range of frequencies. As this happens, communication takes on new meanings, and the child begins to respond where before he or she was unreachable.

Tomatis discovered that because of the way the fetal ear develops, the first sounds heard in utero are high frequency sounds. The child hears not only the mother's heartbeat and visceral noises but also her voice. Re-awakening the child's ability to hear high frequencies re-creates this earliest auditory experience and enables emotional contact to be made with the mother first and then with others.

Kids with speech difficulties should listen to Sound Therapy every day for 30 to 60 minutes per day or more if desired. Regular daily listening is essential for the right ear dominance to be achieved. The Let's Recite tape in the Family Kit is good to use for kids with speech difficulties as it gives them the opportunity to repeat what is said and integrate their speaking with their new experience of listening. Another good exercise for kids with any form of speech difficulty is speaking into a microphone while monitoring their voice through the right ear. This can be done using a personal cassette player with a microphone and wearing only the right headphone. The child can speak, sing, read or make any vocal sounds.

A similar effect can be achieved without the equipment by simply closing off the right ear with fingers or an ear plug. This increases the volume of the child's own voice in the right ear. This exercise can be done for some time each day in conjunction with the listening.

What Sound Therapy has achieved with Autistic kids—

· Kids who can speak may develop a more appropriate use of language, e.g. beginning to use more personal pronouns ("I", "you") or first names, and using words to express their feelings.

· For kids without language, vocalization has increased, initially as screams and then as babbling.

· Increased eye contact and the kids have a longer attention span.

· Initiate contact rather than waiting to be approached.

· Interactions with their family members have become more affectionate and appropriate.

· Once kids have begun to emerge from their emotional isolation they have shown increasing responsiveness to what they are being taught and to the people who care for them.

· They may begin to laugh and cry at appropriate times.

· They show a greater interest in making contact and communicating with the people around them.

Online Parent Support

C. Has A Drug Problem

Hi Mark

A lot has happened since I last wrote you last. My son C___ phoned and said he wanted to come home. I went over to his place and he was cleaning up a bong to sell and the other kid Jeff was smoking up when I got there. I had gone over to talk to C___ about his request to my husband about moving home. I walked in on this and just lost it. I yelled at them and C___ was bawling his eyes out and Jeff quickly got out of there. C___. He told me that he is depressed and needed to come home.

He came home just before C___tmas. The lady that signed the lease on the townhouse and the same lady that took him out of the rehab center requested that he sit at her table on C___tmas Eve with her family. Even though he knew that we have C___tmas Eve at my brother's place, off he went. She gave him $200 skateboard for C___tmas. He stills hangs around with her kids. The other night the older one who is grossly over weight phoned and said that he wanted to go running. It was really cold; I think they were up to something. This kid has been running me down to C___ and every time he sees this kid, it is like there has been a brainwashing episode. Everything has been going okay so far a couple of things nothing major. Tonight C___ was going out he did not ask for the truck to take, said he was taking the bus to his girlfriend's place and he took his backpack. I looked out the window to see if he took the truck or not after my husband had suggested that he could have it.

I received a call from him 15 mins. later with him trying to start a fight with me and why I was watching him and that I check his eyes etc. Last week we had him at the doctor because he scratched his cornea and the eye has been infected and I have been watching this. I thought he had pink eye. If I get pink eye it is contagious I can not go to work if I catch it, I work in a health care facility and I am exposed to 250 nurses and personal support works. Then he said what more can he do that he is really trying here and that I am watching him etc. He said what do you expect from me. I said I am not arguing here, I expect that he go to school and keep busy, maybe get some more hours at work. He said that the only people that really care about him are the ones that he was doing drugs with, that they ask him how it is going and care about him.

Mark I have really tried here. I think he wanted to pick a fight with me for a good excuse to get loaded tonight and blame it on me. When he was out on his own he would phone and push my buttons and get into a fight and wouldn't phone me for weeks. I think that is why he took the backpack and that is why he didn't take the truck.

What should I do here? I don't ask questions like I use to, I am just listening and getting his feelings out. . I have seen more and more of my kid, but it seems every time he sees here kid (that lady's oldest son) we are 5 steps ahead and 15 back. This kid is the one that when C___ said he was giving up drugs and had not done anything for 3 weeks got him doing it again and that was the night he came home on a bad trip and he asked us for us to get him help.

Any suggestions here?

A.

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Hi A.,

If your son is like most of the addicts I work with, a drug is the most important thing in his life -- more important than physical and mental health ...more important than family, work, education, etc.

Until he becomes actively involved in some form of Intensive Outpatient Treatment, he will continue to struggle with priorities (i.e., drugs will always come first).

If he has not had treatment for chemical abuse/dependency yet, this will be your first step in helping him move toward recovery. You can make it a mandatory thing that will dictate whether or not he continues to live with you.

Bottom line: This drug problem will NOT go away until he receives treatment (and even then, there is no guarantee that he will not relapse periodically - at least in the early stages of recovery).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Adolescent Physical abuse Towards Mothers

The paucity of attention paid to adolescent physical abuse towards mothers is indicated by the sparse literature on the topic. Clearly, there is an urgent need to conduct research into this aspect of family life. A research study will, therefore, be designed to explore the perspectives of mothers who experience adolescent physical abuse and to determine the direction for developing effective policies and services to address the needs of mothers and young people.

Reviewing the literature--

Physical abuse within the family context is of concern as it exists within all cultures, family backgrounds, and socio-economic situations (Ministry of Social Development, 2002).

The family physical abuse literature to date has primarily focused on intimate partner abuse and child abuse. Although now gaining greater attention, the issue of adolescent physical abuse towards their mothers has been a neglected area (Agnew & Huguley, 1989; Bobic, 2004; Cottrell & Monk, 2004; Eckstein, 2004; Peek, Fischer, & Kidwell, 1985). In New Zealand the available information about adolescent physical abuse towards mothers comes from articles published in the popular press (Aldridge, 1995; Stickley, 1998) and anecdotal evidence from organizations such as Tough Love, the police, and community intervention and prevention services that work with people affected by physical abuse.

The lack of research literature on adolescent physical abuse towards mothers is of concern as noted in recent reports, such as Te Rito: New Zealand Family Physical abuse Prevention Strategy (Ministry of Social Development, 2002), Beyond Zero Tolerance: Key issues and future directions for family physical abuse work in New Zealand (Fanslow, 2005) and An Agenda for Family Physical abuse Research (New Zealand Family Physical abuse Clearinghouse, 2006). No direct research on the topic appears to have been undertaken in New Zealand. More extensive information and additional literature on physical abuse towards mothers, however, is available from overseas sources; some is based on data from surveys conducted in the United States, other information comes from the Canadian National Clearinghouse on Family Physical abuse (Agnew & Huguley, 1989; Brezina, 1999; Cornell & Gelles, 1982; Cottrell, 2001, 2003; Cottrell & Monk, 2004; Peek et al., 1985; Ulman & Strauss, 2003). Several articles from Australia also address the topic (Bobic, 2002, 2004; Gallagher, 2004a, 2004b).

The prevalence of adolescent physical abuse towards mothers is difficult to establish. Estimates of incidence within the available literature vary from 5-18% of families experiencing this phenomenon. A small number of studies from overseas have examined survey data based on quantitative measures; however, much of this information is ten to thirty years old (Cottrell & Monk, 2004; Eckstein, 2004). The available statistics generally focus on the use of physical abuse by children or adolescents towards their mothers (Agnew & Huguley, 1989; Bobic, 2004; Eckstein, 2004; Peek et al., 1985). The type of physical abuse is usually categorized as “hitting” (Agnew & Huguley, 1989; Peek et al., 1985), although verbal and emotional abuse may also be included (Eckstein, 2004). However, other developmentally relevant behaviors, more commonly found in the youth literature, for example, financial abuse and damage to property, are largely neglected.

Explanations regarding the cause and continuation of adolescent physical abuse towards mothers, as well as information about the most effective ways of assisting mothers, are limited (Bobic, 2004). Cottrell (2001) suggests there is no single and definitive explanation for physical abuse towards mothers. Rather, a range of multifaceted and interconnected dynamics contributes to this behavior. These dynamics may include biological, psychological and social factors, as well as those related to youth culture (Martin, 2002), and risk factors linked with youth offending (McLaren, 2000, 2002). In line with current information regarding interpersonal physical abuse, both male and female youth participate in all forms of physical abuse towards mothers (Cottrell, 2003), while women are most likely to be at risk of becoming targets of the physical abuse (Agnew & Huguley, 1989).

The link between growing up in the context of family physical abuse and the continuation of violent behavior onto the next generation is becoming increasingly highlighted in current family physical abuse discourse. There is also evidence to suggest that where there is physical abuse between mothers, and/or mothers are violent towards a young person, there is greater risk of the young person becoming violent towards his or her parent (Bobic, 2004; Ulman & Strauss, 2003). Furthermore, adolescents who abuse their mothers often abuse their siblings as well (Harbin & Madden, 1979; Heide as cited in Eckstein, 2004). However, more extensive studies are needed to explore the issue further and to provide a more comprehensive understanding of the development of violent behavior in some adolescents.

As with other types of interpersonal physical abuse and abuse, it is likely that adolescent physical abuse towards mothers is more widespread than the available literature and studies suggests. Under reporting is likely to be influenced by the nature of the relationship between the young person and their mothers. Internal factors such as parental shame and fear of blame and external factors such as community judgment of their capacity to parent (Bobic, 2004) may also contribute to mothers denying or minimizing their experiences and maintaining secrecy (Agnew & Huguley, 1989). Cottrell and Monk (2004) suggest that reluctance to disclose is likely to be exacerbated by the limited access to means of intervention. Social service agencies increasingly recognize the prevalence of this type of physical abuse. However, research that could provide practice models of how to respond to this type of physical abuse is also lacking (Cottrell, 2001).

There is also scant information about whether adolescent physical abuse towards mothers relates more to family physical abuse or to youth physical abuse in general. Theoretical approaches to family physical abuse have centered on adult-initiated physical abuse and may be limited in their application to adolescent-initiated physical abuse (Cottrell & Monk, 2004; Peek et al., 1985). Research and theoretical frameworks relating to youth physical abuse may address these limitations. As integrating frameworks may be useful in addressing adolescent physical abuse towards mothers (Bobic, 2004; Cottrell & Monk, 2004), by combining knowledge from the fields of family physical abuse and youth physical abuse we may be able to more effectively expand our understanding of the phenomenon.

Proposed research--

The New Zealand Family Physical abuse Clearinghouse has identified adolescent physical abuse against mothers as a significant gap in research on all forms of family physical abuse (NZFVCH, 2006). The level of youth physical abuse within our communities is also of concern. Where one issue ends and another begins may not be clear-cut. However, what is clear is the need for New Zealand-based research to explore the phenomenon of adolescent violent behavior within the context of the family. The literature review that is reported upon here provides the basis for the development of a research proposal that will contribute to the filling of this gap.

The proposed study will be designed to explore mothers’ experiences of physical abuse perpetrated by adolescents (aged 14 to 17 years) in their care. Young people aged 14 years and over are held accountable for offending under New Zealand legislation and are at an age at which intervention through statutory agencies may be required. Mothers from varying family configurations will be invited to take part in the research. This will include representation from Pakeha, Maori, Pacific, and Asian populations. Attention to ethnic diversity will be important as a necessary step towards meeting the needs of all families who experience adolescent physical abuse towards mothers. Ethical considerations will also be important, particularly those concerning cultural issues (Anae, Coxon, Mara, Wendt-Samu, & Finau, 2001; Ruwhiu, 2001; Tolich, 2002) and safety issues (Ellsberg, Heise, Pena, Agurto, & Winkvist, 2001).

The research will take a mixed method approach where both quantitative and qualitative data are sought. The option of using this approach in a longitudinal study will also be considered. Data collection will focus on experiences of all types of physical abuse, including physical abuse, psychological, emotional and financial abuse, and damage to property and material goods.

Adolescent physical abuse towards mothers is a complex area. There is little evidence-based information that can assist families or research that can support practitioners working with families who are experiencing this type of physical abuse. This review of the literature is an initial step towards developing a study that can attend to the need for New Zealand-based research on adolescent physical abuse towards mothers and contribute to building theory about this type of interpersonal physical abuse. It is hoped that it will also stimulate discussion about how the phenomenon might be addressed.

Yvonne Crichton-Hill and Nikki Evans are members of the team at Te Awatea Physical abuse Research Centre and academics at the School of Social Work and Human Services, University of Canterbury. Their research interests are in the fields of family physical abuse and youth physical abuse. Letitia Meadows is a BSW graduate and has a University of Canterbury Doctoral Scholarship to continue her studies as a PhD candidate with the School of Social Work and Human Services.

This report of the preliminary research study, funded by a University of Canterbury, College of Arts Research Grant, was first published in Te Awatea Review, 4(2), December 2006.

References--

Aldridge, V. (1995, 26 June). Children who beat up their mothers. The Dominion, p. 9.
Agnew, R., & Huguley, S. (1989). Adolescent physical abuse towards mothers. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51(3), 699-711.
Anae, M., Coxon, E., Mara, D., Wendt-Samu, T., & Finau, C. (2001). Pasifika education research guidelines: Report to the Ministry of Education, Auckland Uniservices. Wellington: Ministry of Education.
Bobic, N. (2002). Adolescent physical abuse towards mothers: Myths and realities. Marrickville, NSW: Rosemount Youth & Family Services.
Bobic, N. (2004). Adolescent physical abuse towards mothers [Topic paper]. Australian Domestic and Family Physical abuse Clearinghouse. Retrieved November 11, 2005, from http://www.austdvclearinghouse.unsw.edu.au/topics.htm
Brezina, T. (1999). Teenage physical abuse toward mothers as an adaptation to family strain: Evidence from a national survey of male adolescents. Youth & Society, 30, 416-444.
Cornell, C., & Gelles, R. (1982). Adolescent to parent physical abuse. Urban and Social Change Review, 15, 8-14
Cottrell, B. (2001). Parent abuse: The abuse of mothers by their teenage children. Ottawa, Canada: Health Canada, Family Physical abuse Prevention Unit.
Cottrell, B. (2003). Parent abuse: The abuse of adults by their teenage children: Overview paper. Ottawa: Public Health Agency of Canada. Retrieved October 12, 2005, from http://www.canadiancrc.com/parent_abuse.htm
Cottrell, B., & Monk, P. (2004). Adolescent-to-parent abuse: A qualitative overview of common themes. Journal of Family Issues, 25, 1072-1095.
Eckstein, N. (2004). Emergent issues in families experiencing adolescent-to-parent abuse. Western Journal of Communication, 68(4), 365(24).
Ellsberg, M., Heise, L., Pena, R., Agurto, S., & Winkvist, A. (2001). Researching domestic physical abuse against women: Methodological and ethical considerations. Studies in Family Planning, 32, 1-16.
Fanslow, J. (2005). Beyond zero tolerance: Key issues and future directions for family physical abuse work in New Zealand. Wellington: Families Commission.
Gallagher, E. (2004a). Mothers victimised by their children. ANZJFT, 25, 1-12.
Gallagher, E. (2004b). Youth who victimise their mothers. ANZJFT, 25, 94-105.
Martin, L. (2002). The invisible table: Perspectives on youth and youthwork in New Zealand. Palmerston North: Dunmore Press.
McLaren, K. (2000). Tough is not enough: Getting smart about youth crime: A review of research on what works to reduce offending by young people. Wellington: Ministry of Youth Affairs.
McLaren, K. (2002). Building strength: Youth development literature review. Wellington: Ministry of Youth Affairs.
Ministry of Social Development. (2002). Te Rito: New Zealand family physical abuse prevention strategy. Wellington: The Ministry.
New Zealand Family Physical abuse Clearinghouse. (2006). An agenda for family physical abuse research (Vol. 1). Christchurch: NZFVC.
Peek, C., Fischer, J., & Kidwell, J. (1985). Teenage physical abuse towards mothers: A neglected dimension of family physical abuse. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 1051-1058.
Pocock, T., & Cram, F. (1996). Children of battered women. Waikato Law Review, 4, 77-100.
Ruwhiu, L. (2001). Bicultural issues in Aotearoa New Zealand social work. In M. Connolly (Ed.), New Zealand social work contexts and practice. Auckland: Oxford University Press.
Stickley, T. (1998, 30 October). Death of a brutal bully or kind dad? New Zealand Herald, p.A11.
Tolich, M. (2002). Pakeha paralysis: Cultural safety for those researching the general population of Aotearoa. Social Policy Journal of New Zealand, 18, 164-178.
Ulman, A., & Strauss, M. (2003). Physical abuse by children against mothers in relation to physical abuse between mothers and corporal punishment by mothers. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 34, 41-60. Retrieved September 11, 2006, from http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/CP71.pdf

Online Parent Support

I realized I had to change my behavior to help him change his...

Hello Mark ...thank you for the welcome e-mail, I just read thru the introduction and the first assignment and I’m already feeling empowered… I have been thru psychologists, psychiatrists, therapist, social workers and alternative medicine… and found no solutions, actually I think it has made matters worse, he uses his so called sickness as an excuse for his behavior. I ended up rewarding him for doing what he was supposed to do and not disciplining him for his bad behavior. I can’t get him to do anything without offering him a reward. I started taking him to the doctors when he was 5 years old and he is now 15. I’m afraid of what these next 3 years will bring my way. He will not do chores, homework, basically anything that I ask him to do. He constantly shows anger towards me and blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. He is not accountable for his actions. He is currently failing in school. I have set-up a teachers conference today, asked the counselor to reach out to him and asked about the schools R.O.C. program or classes.

My decision today to look for another answer came because my son decided he was going to teach me a lesson because I refused to buy him yet another pair of expensive Jordan shoes, he made sure he got to school late yesterday and today he refused to go to school. (this is the first time that he has been this defiant) He threw me out of his room with horrible verbal abuse! I made a decision for the new year that I was going to find a solution to this ever mounting problem, but most importantly I wasn’t going to let him keep playing my buttons, no more anger, no more fear, no more reactions to his behavior. I realized I had to change my behavior to help him change his and with God’s help I found your web site.

Warm regards,

V.

My Out-of-Control Teen

He was very thankful and appreciative to have his privileges back...

Hi Mark,

I just thought I'd give you an update. Our son A__ went out New Year's Eve and arrived home on January 3rd, 2009. He did call though, but we told him that he would have to come home or deal with the consequences (he had no medication or clothes). When he returned home (at 7:15am after partying all night wreaking of smoke and booze - and gasping for air because he is asthmatic and smokes and had no ventolin) we took away, the TV, computer, phone and we locked his bedroom door and made him sleep on a roll-away cot. He bitched and complained that we were doing damage to his back....oh, we also told him 3 square meals a day, no snacking, which was torture because he is 6'3 and eats a lot. Anyway, we went the full 3 days and it's over now. He was very thankful and appreciative to have his privileges back....so that's great!!! It was hard, but we did it. To be honest I broke down once, but then got back with the program (I let him eat something between meals, and I had a whole heart to heart with him - which would have gone better if I'd talked to a wall) and my husband got mad once and yelled at him after I allowed him to eat and he left all his dishes all over and made him get off his cot at 1am and do the dishes. So we worked together as a team and put our poker faces back on.

I have told my Aunt about the program and she is going to sign up too.

J.

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Hi J.,

I really appreciate the update.

You are clearly NOT employing "half-measures." Great job -- and thanks for working the program as it is intended.

To your continued success,

Mark

Online Parent Support

She tells me everything...

Hi Mark,

I have run into a situation I don't really know what to do. I have a 13-year-old daughter and for the most your program is working great. My problem is she is almost too honest with me. She tells me everything. Two weeks ago I noticed her mood was horrible, I asked her if she was smoking pot? She got cranky and 20 minutes later she brings a bud of weed out of her room and told me to get rid of it. She told me where she got it and agrees to not go over there anymore, not happy about it, but accepted it. Now I let her go to another friends for a sleepover and they went to another friends house, she was offered ecstasy? She told me she refused it and so did the girl she went over there with, but the one girl did some. Now I said well, I guess you won't be going over there anymore, I explained I am glad she told me and was proud she made a good decision, now she says well, if that is what I get every time I am honest with you, I am not going to tell you what goes on anymore! Help, I don't want her to shut down on me, but I have trusted her to say no to pot before and she did it. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be calling parents even if I really don't know them? Thanks for your program!

A.

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Hi A.,

Re: "...if that is what I get every time I am honest with you, I am not going to tell you what goes on anymore!"

We reward "telling the truth" with acknowledgment and praise - not by withholding consequences.

Please click here for more info re: lying.

Re: "Should I be calling parents even if I really don't know them?"

Absolutely. Not to chastise you, but I'm a bit surprised you asked such a question. Do NOT trust anything you daughter tells you until you can verify that it is the truth.

Oh ...by the way. I think you may have fallen for a few lines of bullshit when your daughter "acted as if" she was being totally honest with you re: the pot incident and the sleepover.

Strong-willed, out-of-control teens are experts at tricking their parents, thus you should adopt an "extend-trust-after-verification" approach in the future.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen