Teens & Peer Pressure

Hi Mark,

I read your book about a year ago and have been referring back to it when I have needed it. My communication with my daughter has improved greatly. Unfortunately, she is still making bad choices. As far as I know, it is only occasionally, but could be more and I am just not aware of it. A few months ago we pulled her out of traditional school and enrolled her in Independent Studies. She goes to school (which is a class at her regular school) once a week, receives work, checks in her homework and takes her tests. Her grades and homework have improved significantly. When I took her to school on Monday, I was supposed to pick her up around 10-11, she was supposed to call (she had her cell phone taken away at the time.) I called the teacher around 12 and she informed me she had checked out at 11:30. To make a long story short, she finally called me at 3:00 (I was at the school looking for her) and was there. I did not talk to her because I was too angry. She proceeded to come home, eat one thing after another for over an hour then went up stairs to bed. I told her Dad he needed to drug test her (we are divorced.) He called last night and said when he told her she needed to take the test, she admitted to smoking pot a few weeks ago. My problem is her low self esteem and wanting to fit in. She was on the school volleyball team until she got kicked off for bad grades. I have offered for her to do ANY other activity and she refuses. It seems she only wants to fit in doing bad things, which I assume makes her feel “cool.” How do I get her to do things that are positive when she only WANTS to do destructive things?

Thanks!

W.

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Hi W.,

Peer pressure is more than just a phase that adolescents go through. Whether it leads to extreme hair and clothing, tattoos, or body piercing, peer pressure is a powerful reality and many adults do not realize its effects. It can be a negative force in the lives of kids and adolescents, often resulting in their experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs.

Adolescents want to be with people their own age. Kids, especially during adolescence, begin to spend a lot more time with their friends, and less time with their family. This makes them more susceptible to the influences of their peers. It is important to remember that teenage friends can have a positive influence on a youth. During teenage years, adolescents are more accepting of their peers feelings and thoughts. Peers can and do act as positive role models.

Parents, teachers, and other adults should encourage adolescents to find friends that have similar interests and views as you a parent, educator, religious and community leader are trying to develop in the teen. The critical adult views including doing well in school, having respect for others, avoiding drug use, smoking, drinking and other risky behaviors.

Adolescents put into practice risk-taking behaviors as they are trying to find their own identity and become more independent. This makes them very vulnerable to experimenting or becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol, sexual activity, and defiance of authority, especially if there is peer pressure to do so. Adolescents who use drugs are also more likely to become involved in gang activity, have low self-esteem, behavior problems, school performance problems, and depression.

Parents, teachers, religious and community leaders want to promote positive peer pressure among teens. Parents and other adults often believe that adolescents do not value their opinions. In reality, studies suggest that parents have tremendous influence over their kids, especially adolescents. No matter the age of their kids, parents, caregivers and other adult role models should never feel helpless about countering the negative effects of peer pressure.

What parents can do:

• Ask questions and enjoy listening to adolescents as he or she talks
• Avoid attacking the teen’s friends- criticizing an adolescents choice of friend can be perceived by a teen as a personal attack
• Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame
• Be an involved parent
• Establish and maintain good communications
• Get adolescents involved in youth groups, community activities and peer monitoring programs
• Help the teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is)
• Monitor your teen’s activities
• Nurture strong self-esteem
• Role-play peer pressure situations
• Talk openly and honestly about stealing, alcohol, illegal drugs, and sex

Peer pressure during childhood and adolescence equips adolescents to develop healthy friendships, self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance. It is healthy for everyone to talk about how they feel what they need, desire and want. Parents mistakenly assume that their teen does not want to talk to them, but it may just be that the teenager does not want to talk about his or her bad grades, their bad behavior and how much trouble they are in. Usually adolescents are more willing to talk about something they are interested in or something positive that is about them.

Develop a habit of talking with your teen every day. Building a strong close open relationship with him or her while they are young will make it easier for your teen to discuss problems, concerns and other sensitive issues associated with school, relationships, and other life stressors.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens & Alcohol

As a responsible, caring parent, I want my children to make responsible choices regarding alcohol use that are consistent with my beliefs and values. But it’s not a simple issue. We have alcohol in our home and with meals, but don’t want the kids to drink before they are adults. In the midst of these issues, our children see and hear numerous ads that promote alcohol. They may be curious, and—particularly as they grow older—face pressure from their peers to drink. How do you deal with this issue in a positive, healthy way?

Click here for my response...

Teens & Curfew Violation

My daughter is having great difficulty getting in by curfew. She always says things like, “It’s so unfair! All my friends get to stay out later than I do. I don’t need a curfew. Just call me on the cell when I need to come home. Don’t you trust me?” Any advice?

Click here for my response...

Following the “Fighting Fair” strategies...

Dear Mark,

It has been a very progressive few days. My husband and I are following the “Fighting Fair” strategies and are making headway. It was wonderful to see my daughter go straight to the dishes and do them moments -- not hours, but moments -- after I expressed what I wanted from her in an assertive, loving way. I was in amazement, mostly because I felt I accomplished something I should have been doing for years. I showed her respect in what I asked her to do and she is showing us respect in return. She also opened up about several issues she hadn’t talked about for years. This is truly a small miracle. Thank you, and God Bless you Mark in your service to parents.

K.N.

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Assertive Parenting

Hi Mark, In your article about Permissive Parenting under the conditional permissiveness I am confused---as you have said to make the kids EARN EVERYTHING---yet in this article it sounds like that is Conditional permissiveness and that is supposed to be a bad thing? Can you help me clear that up please? Thanks.

Click here for my response...

The Worst Mistake That Parents Make

Don't try to resolve a dozen child-behavior problems at once. Here's a great example of what I'm talking about (email from parent):

"Our out of control daughter that is 16 years of age has been grounded for numerous reasons over the past two years. There have been periods of time in the two years that she has not been grounded although these times are not for very long. Some of the things that we have been dealing with are as follows:

Sex (suspect once in 07) ( now, since September 08) still seeing boyfriend at school. HAVING PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH CONSEQUENCES

Drug use (Marijuana)( first time not sure, but first time found “potato head” pipe in room April 09) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO

Retail Theft (Jan 09) (she paid fines and is attending theft class this weekend for it. We added an additional com service for church until end of school.)

Theft at her place of work ( Dec 08) she paid for it(her $), made amends and did 24 hours community service. (She seems sorry but still don’t trust her

Back talk (getting worse in 08 - 09) HAVEN’T ADRESSED THIS YET, well we have, but very badly apparently

Cutting (1st time with boy friend may of 07) got counseling and body checks thereafter, seemed to go away) she seemed healthier after break up with boy friend may of 07)caution

Attempted running away (twice in 07 )let go of this one too

Talk of suicide ( mostly in 07 – 08) let go with caution

Alcohol use (dabbled since 07) spot checks started and continue now and then ever since but let go with caution

Failing grades in school (since 07) WE ARE LETTING GO

Skipping school (once in 07) WILL BE TRUENT NEXT TIME, DON’T THINK SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN

Cigarette smoking (started in 07, got worse) WE LET GO OF THIS ONE

Lying (since she turned 12 and has gotten worse over time) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO

Trust is a big issue!!!

Present boyfriend is also doing drugs.

HELP!!! What can we do?"

When parents chase their tails trying to find solutions to multiple problems at once, they become so scattered and confused that their ability to problem solve is greatly reduced.

==> PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY -- but perhaps more importantly -- PICK THEM ONE AT A TIME !

Here's the good news:

Let's say you have 10 behavior problems that your child is exhibiting. If you will tackle the most pressing issue first (first things first - and keep it simple), then you can move onto the second issue with a lighter load on your back. And by the time you get to issue number 3 or 4...

...you will find that issues 5 through 10 have taken care of themselves !!!

HELLO... Did you get it?!

Let me say it again:

By the time you get to issue number 3 or 4, issues 5 through 10 will have taken care of themselves.

So you see, when you try to fight 10 battles at once, you (a) fight all 10 and (b) run a huge risk of not solving even one of them.

On the other hand, when you only fight 1 battle at a time, you end up only fighting 3 to 4 total -- not 10.

Here's to working smarter rather than harder,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Toddler Discipline

For a normal toddler, discipline problems may be easier to prevent than to deal with once they have started. A hungry, tired, off-schedule or starved-for-attention toddler is more likely to act up. Of course, very young children cannot be expected to behave all the time, but behavior problems can often be prevented and temper tantrums can be cut short when parents pay attention to their child’s needs and refuse to reward bad behavior.

Young children thrive on routine. Once a baby progresses beyond the initial months and begins to sleep more during the night than during the day, having a set bedtime and a bedtime “ritual” is extremely helpful. For instance, a nightly bath or storytelling session helps calm the child down and signals that bedtime is near, which lessens the battles you’ll have to face once it’s time for the little one to go down into the crib. (And telling your toddler what comes next in the routine – such as “We’ll have supper, and then you’ll take your bath, and then it’s pajama time” – also helps him or her prepare to learn about time and sequences of events.)

Not only the bedtime ritual, but also the amount of sleep once the little one is in the crib or toddler bed, is vital for preventing behavior problems. A 2-year-old who doesn’t take a nap during the day can easily sleep for 12-13 hours at night; one who does nap needs less sleep at night, but only an hour or two less.

Paying enough attention to your child and making sure your toddler receives adequate stimulation during the time he or she is awake is also vitally important for avoiding bedtime showdowns. A child who attends (and enjoys) playgroup or preschool has a chance to exercise and socialize with other toddlers, and will often sleep well at night.

If your child stays at home with Mommy or Daddy all day, make sure to work in some exercise – whether it’s a walk around the block or a session of silly dancing in the living room with the child’s favorite music – and provide mental stimulation as well, by reading books or playing games together. The most important thing is to give the child undivided attention at some point so he or she will feel loved and secure enough to part from you at bedtime.

If your child is well-rested but is beginning to act up more than usual, make sure it hasn’t been too long since his or her last meal or snack. Your toddler may be hungry without realizing it, and if this is the case, a healthy snack may be all that is needed.

Sometimes, however, you’ve done everything right and your child still has a temper tantrum. If you’re at home and your child throws himself kicking and screaming on the floor because you stopped him from drawing on the walls, just walk away calmly and say that you’ll come back when he stops screaming (or something to that effect). The important thing in dealing with a toddler tantrum is to remain calm and unflappable – so the child will soon see that his performance does not have its desired effect.

Other bad toddler behaviors, such as refusing to be buckled into the car seat or defying parental orders, require a different strategy. Try a bit of humor, if the situation allows. For instance, if your toddler has reached the boiling point because she doesn’t want to put on her pajamas, offer to put them on the family dog or cat or Daddy instead – this silly suggestion may just give her the giggles long enough for you to squeeze her into the PJs. Or she might suddenly become very possessive of the PJs – “No, mine! I want to wear my pajamas myself!” Either way, you’ve won and the pajamas go on without tears.

If the child is behaving badly because he’s overtired, keep in mind that he’s having a very hard time controlling himself. Keep your own calm, as difficult as that may be, and talk to him quietly until he calms down – or put him down for a nap in a quiet room if you are unable to calm him. He may cry for a while, but he has most likely reached his threshold of stimulation and nothing you say will help the situation; sleep is what he needs and he will eventually calm himself down.

Deciding whether or not to spank your child is a very personal matter, and one that also depends on your family, the child, and her response to gentler forms of punishment. No matter which punishment you choose – whether spanking, scolding or time-outs – it is absolutely vital that you administer the punishment calmly and with love. Make it clear that you don’t enjoy punishing the child and you would rather reward her for good behavior. Tell her you know she’s a good child who just needs to act better. And finally, remember that the toddler years, as difficult as they are, don’t last forever – and you may just miss them when they’re gone!

The following lists out some ways for toddler discipline:

Time OUT. This is one of the most common toddler discipline method. Keep the time brief around one minute per year of age. Toddlers don't usually stay in the corner so it means stopping what you are doing and standing over them with your side or back to them so that they can't engage your facial/body language. Once time out is over, you can remind them what they did wrong in very simple language and then if they do it again (as most toddlers will immediately do upon being released from time out until they have the concept) they go back into the corner. Discipline must occur at the time of the action and not an hour or longer after. So even if you are out of your home, you must be prepared to discipline them. Be discreet, and remember always NOT to do it in front of others to avoid bringing down his self-esteem. Remind toddlers of the rules frequently when out on an outing or in the house if necessary.

Distract and divert. The best form of toddler discipline is redirection. First, you have to distract them from their original intention and then, quickly divert them toward a safer alternative. Give them something else to do for example, helping with the household chores and soon they will be enjoying themselves rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into the original plan.

Ignoring temper tantrum. Ignoring the behavior or making statements such as when you throw a tantrum I can’t hear you or I don’t like watching temper tantrums so let me know when you are finished and we will talk, will both show and tell the child that their display of temper tantrums will not gain them control over the situation or the parent.

Temper tantrums are usually dramatic, intense and full of emotion. With a little practice and persistence, parents can learn how to stop the drama of a temper tantrum and change the situation to a calm, quiet discussion. Keep control and keep the peace.

Encourage cooperation. Your child is more likely to do what you say if you uses soft approaches like these: - Ask rather than tell. Say "Would you give me the book, please?" instead of demanding "Bring me the book."

Set Limits. Much of your toddler discipline depends upon your ability to set limits. Boundaries provide security for the child whose adventurous spirit leads him to explore, but his inexperience may lead him astray. For example, your toddler doesn't want to hold your hand as you cross a street or parking lot together. You firmly set a limit: street or parking lot crossing is only done while holding hands. There is no option. We need to achieve the right balance between freedom and constraints for our toddlers.

Limit-setting teaches a valuable lesson for life: the world is full of yeses and nos. You decide what behavior you cannot allow and stick to that limit. This will be different for each family and each stage of development. Toddlers want someone to set limits. It makes them feel secure and loved, and helps them to understand boundaries. As a parent you have to ensure that the rules you set are simple, easy to understand, and consistent.

Provide structure. Set up conditions for toddler discipline that encourages desirable behavior to happen. Structure protects and redirects. You free the child to be a child and provide the opportunity to grow and mature. Structure creates a positive environment for the child. By a bit of preplanning you remove most of the "no's" so that a generally "yes" environment prevails.

Structure changes as the child grows. At all developmental levels restructuring the child's environment is one of your most valuable discipline strategies. When your infant reaches the grabby stage, you are careful to set your coffee cup out of his reach. When your toddler discovers the toilet, you start keeping the lid latched or the bathroom door closed. The preschooler who fights going to sleep at night gets a relaxing bedtime routine. The nine-year- old struggling to keep up with her homework gets a quiet, enticing place to work in, as well as firm restrictions on school-night television. Structure sets the stage for desirable behaviors to override undesirable ones.

Positive reinforcement. Studies show that toddler discipline using positive reinforcement works far better than punishment. Rather than focusing only on those things that irritate us and becoming habitual scolders, "catch your kids doing something right and reward them."

Remember that toddlers tune out a lot so if you are always saying "No", "Don't touch this", "Don't go there", then all they hear is NO. You want to try and give them lots of positive feedback. Examples of positive feedback are to let them know they did a 'nice job following directions' or 'good job playing', with lots of hugs and kisses. Try using other "No" words like stop. You don't need to yell but you do need to put firmness 'don't mess with me' tone in your voice.

There is certainly no magic formula to toddler discipline but it is imperative that you establish the guidelines for behavior in your house as quickly as possible.

Whatever you do, make sure you are consistent in your toddler discipline. If you tell a child no and then eventually end up letting the child do what he wanted in the first place, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Even if you have changed your mind and decided that what the child was doing wasn’t so bad after all, you need to stick to your decision and let the child know that you mean what you say. If he gets his way after a minute or after an hour, he will know he’s got you pegged. As such, the key to toddler discipline is consistency!

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