The Police Officer Approach to Discipline

There are usually as many discipline techniques as there are moms and dads. Correction methods for kids concerning misbehavior, offensive comments, and family rule infractions usually range between physical-abuse to no parental involvement. Each parent has his or her own style, methods, and attitudes about discipline.

Imagine videotaping moms and dads as they communicate with their kids throughout the week. Reviewing all of the tapes, we may find a number of parenting behaviors and discipline styles.

Some of those discipline techniques might include:

• Assigning time-outs or isolating the youth in their room
• Calling the youngster names or making derogatory comments
• Demanding information about the misbehavior – "Why did you hit Tommy?"
• Fortune telling – "You're going to end up in prison if you keep acting this way!"
• Grounding the youngster
• Humiliating the youngster in front of other kids
• Ignoring all misbehavior that is not life-threatening
• Isolating and terrifying the youngster – locking them in a closet
• Laughing about the misbehavior
• Lectures about genetics – "Stop acting like your father!"
• Lecturing the youngster about the misbehavior
• Making the youngster feel guilty – "You're the reason I'm sick all the time!"
• Scolding and yelling at the youngster
• Slapping the youngster in the face
• Spanking the youngster on the buttocks
• Striking the youngster with a belt, paddle, or other object
• Threatening disciplines such as grounding, spanking, etc.
• Threatening time travel – "I should knock you into next week!"
• Warning the youngster that the next misbehavior will bring serious consequences

The methods of discipline are exclusive to each mother/father and each family. In certain two-parent families, both mom and dad might use the identical methods. In other two-parent families, the techniques employed by the mother and father might be totally different, compelling the kids to choose discipline by one parent and developing fear of the other parent. When moms and dads are divorced or when several residences are involved, parenting methods may differ with each location.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Where did we develop our current method of discipline? Generally, we use the technique that has been present in our childhood environment. If our moms and dads yelled and screamed – we'll likely shout and scream at our kids. It's really no secret that physically and/or emotionally abused kids frequently turn out to be emotionally and physically abusive moms and dads. Some discipline techniques appear to be favored in certain households, as if the strategy and technique was authorized for use in that family. I have noticed some families have approved hostile and violent parenting techniques like face slapping, paddling with switches/belts/boards, or injury-producing bodily assaults. Grown-ups using these techniques routinely have a reason such as "I was brought up that way and I turned out o.k."

The techniques of discipline at home have a very powerful impact on later adolescent and adult behavior and mind-set. We can generate specific behaviors and attitudes in our kids by the discipline techniques we use in the household. More often than not, the mother/father may be unaware they're generating these behaviors and attitudes as they are employing methods that have been accepted in their household for decades. Through the years, I have seen moms and dads mention the correction of their youngster and the techniques used without any sense that the technique could be abusive or psychologically harmful. I've heard "I told him I'll kill myself if he doesn't straighten up" or "When she said that word I busted her in the mouth and she didn't say it again!"

Without question, all kids will be requiring discipline. This is an important part of the personality and emotional growth of the youngster. Even so, some techniques tend to be more emotionally and socially healthy than others. Some techniques may alter the path of a youngster's character – once and for all.

In the interest of rearing socially and psychologically healthy kids, you should use the most beneficial techniques that have the fewest negative side effects. The Police Officer Approach to Discipline is an attempt to provide guidelines for better discipline methods. This approach may also help moms and dads understand how using poor discipline methods can damage the positive attitude and behavior of a youngster.

The Police Officer Approach—

The Police Officer Approach uses the discipline methods of the adult world with kids. Within the adult world, improper forms of discipline tend to be legally corrected via legal actions, civil suits, media exposure, etc. Authority figures who correct adults - such as law enforcement personnel, job supervisors, government representatives – have strict guidelines regarding how corrections are applied and in what situations. Because of this, the adult world doesn't use many discipline techniques that might be emotionally harmful, at least for minor crimes. Furthermore, the adult world has similar regulations in most situations – correction at the job, in the neighborhood, in social situations, etc.

The adult world also consists of an element of fairness by concentrating on suitable discipline and consequences. The criminal justice system actually ranks offenses by their seriousness or level of victimization. Corrections and punishments used for murderers can't be used for those who steal gas from your vehicle. In a nutshell, the degree of punishment fits the degree of the criminal offense in the adult world.

Methods of discipline employed by moms and dads would not be accepted in the adult world. Extreme and harmful parenting methods are used with kids as the kids have little ability to exercise their constitutional rights. They cannot challenge their consequences and cannot pay for a lawyer.

Let's think of the consequences of employing some parenting techniques in the adult world:

• If your supervisor is tardy for work, try taking away his/her automobile for a week.
• When a coworker fails to submit a report by the due date, begin sobbing and telling them "You're the main reason I never get a promotion!"
• When a coworker uses a profanity – try sticking a bar of soap in his or her mouth.
• When your coworker "talks back" and disagrees with you, slap them on the mouth.

In the adult world, these coworker behaviors could be corrected, but by way of a procedure that is purely business. This "strictly business" approach can be found in just about all businesses and functions in the community too. In the United States, for instance, sticking a bar of soap in someone's mouth may find you arrested for assault.

Does using an adult-world approach to the correction and discipline of kids make sense? Let's evaluate the data (all psychiatrists do this by the way). According to current numbers, 5 % of kids have experienced extreme physical maltreatment. Data on psychological abuse tend to be more difficult to acquire. Nevertheless, a Bureau of Justice Statistics 1999 report entitled "Contacts between Police and the Public" estimates that less than half of one percent of an estimated 44 million individuals who had face-to-face contact with the police were threatened or actually experienced force. Notably, those face-to-face contacts took place because the individual was linked to a criminal offense of some kind – while a youngster could be disciplined for non-crimes like spilling milk, back-talking, homework problems, etc. Obviously, fewer kids will be physically or psychologically mistreated if we follow a law enforcement design.

The Police Department can be used to illustrate professionalism and reliability in discipline. There might be other examples of professional law enforcement in your area. The State Police in the United States offers us a model of responding to problems with behavior or rule violations.

The Police Officer Approach is strictly business, not emotional or reactive, and corrects behavior through consequence (the fine) and bringing attention to the incorrect behavior. If you're racing on the road and therefore are stopped by the State Police, after viewing your license and registration, the discussion should go something similar to this:

State Police: "Mr. Smith, you were clocked going 70 in a 55 mile per hour zone."

The police officer just informed you of the inappropriate behavior as well as the legal and expected behavior.

State Police: "The fine for speeding in this state is $80.00. Please sign this ticket."

The police officer has informed you of the consequence (fine) for that crime.

State Police: "Instructions for paying the fine are included on the rear of your copy. Have a great day."

The police officer continues to be courteous and businesslike. He doesn't ask the reason why you were speeding. He doesn't attempt to help you understand the reason behind speeding laws in that state. He doesn't insult you with "How can you be so dumb?" or "Where did you get this clunker of an automobile?"

The Police Officer Approach involves three simple steps:

Step 1: Determine the offense or appropriate behavior.

Step 2: Advise the violator of the consequence or fine.

Step 3: Stay courteous and calm.

When used with kids, and adults for that matter, the Police Officer Approach works well in decreasing hatred, rage, and inappropriate behavior. The fine for speeding will not force the violator into legal bankruptcy, will sting in the wallet, but isn't intolerable. It is also difficult to disregard. The Police Officer Approach has been discovered to be extremely effective in the adult world. If we pay a credit card bill late, we are "fined" a late fee as a reminder that prompt payment is required. If our behavior isn't corrected and we are continuously late in our payment or fail to make a payment, the "fine" increases to notifications to the credit bureau or eventual repossession of our big-screen television. Methods of correction in adulthood seek to provide a punishment that is appropriate for the violation as well as avoiding punishments that are extra, excessive, or damaging.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Police Officer Approach is a technique of using the adult world approach with kids. It reduces the anxiety and frustration often related to parental discipline in both the kids and the moms and dads. By identifying the incorrect behavior, providing an appropriate fine or punishment, and maintaining a calm, business-like interaction with the youngster, we decrease the misbehavior while continuing our good relationship with the youngster. An example:

Mother: "James, you shoved your brother and you know we don't allow shoving and hitting in this family. I want you to go to your room for fifteen minutes. When your time is up you can join the rest of us and watch television. We'll see you in fifteen minutes."

How Parenting Techniques Produce Misbehavior in Kids—

The Police Officer Approach, like all types of parental discipline, could very easily be changed in a manner that would produce poor attitudes, additional misbehavior, and character changes in adults and kids. Modifications in the laws of your state or country might drastically change your personal behavior when disciplined. Let's investigate the way you could alter the laws for law enforcement and actually generate bad behavior in adults. For example:

Excessive Fines-

Changes in the Law: A new law permits the cop to fine a speeding motorist $1,000 for every mile over the posted speeding limit. Traveling ten miles over the posted speed limit is now a $10,000 fine for instance.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: The majority of adults, realizing that the fine is excessive and harmful to their financial situation, might attempt to avoid or out-run the police officer. If apprehended, they might lie or do anything in their power to prevent that ticket and fine.

Discussion: It is uncommon that a routine speeder tries to avoid an $85.00 fine unless the speeder has additional outstanding warrants for another offense. Once the fine is suitable for the crime, mature adults have a tendency to accept their obligation and the fine for the crime. In kids, excessive fines like physical punishment or extreme grounding produce kids who deny their behavior and/or lie about their involvement. When punishment and correction are "short and sweet", there is little reason to avoid both personal responsibility and the punishment. The youngster feels no need to lie and risk another fine or punishment.

Unpredictable Fines-

Changes in the Law: A new law permits the Police Officer to generate his/her own fine for the crime. The new law makes the fine for speeding totally unpredictable as the police officer is permitted to give a warning, a fine anywhere from 1 dollar to $50,000 or to physically attack or even shoot you then and there.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: If arrested, unpredictable fines prompt the violator to manipulate – attempting to obtain the lowest fine possible from the police officer. The speeder might beg, weep, and declare to have a brain tumor, or threaten with a lawyer.

Discussion: Unpredictable fines prompt the youngster to be a con artist and/or manipulator. The youngster will attempt to manipulate to obtain the lowest fine or punishment possible. When a mother/father gives a five-minute time-out for an offense, then six-month grounding for a similar offense, the youngster attempts to control the fine. Consistency in fines can avoid manipulation in both law enforcement and parenting situations.

Canceled Fines-

Changes in the Law: A new law permits the Police Officer to allocate a fine/punishment during the time of arrest, then call and cancel the fine the next day.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: When a fine is terminated, the speeder could be more prone to continue speeding as he/she feels the fines will not be applied. In criminal justice systems, it is common to see career crooks that have a long list of arrests followed by "dismissed" and "probation". Canceling fines and consequences can lead to repeated offenses.

Discussion: When kids are punished/disciplined, then "bailed out" of the punishment, they are likely to continue their misbehavior, because they never endure the consequences. Kids that are often rescued from the penalties of their conduct develop the feeling that the rules do not affect them and may be ignored…as absolutely nothing happens. These kids frequently increase their misbehavior, feeling they're not going to be held accountable for their actions. They eventually reach a severity where rescue is no longer possible. This situation is often found in adolescents who are given probation for several criminal offenses by local courts, being suddenly shocked when the judge/court assigns prison time. Short, appropriate fines and corrections do not need to be canceled in parenting.

Guilty Fines-

Changes in the Law: A new law permits the Police Officer to punish your family for your misbehavior and/or offenses. The cop assigns the fine to your family without cost to you.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: In psychologically healthy individuals, this fine method creates remorse and anxiety. The helplessness of the scenario could also create depression and low self-esteem.

Discussion: Moms and dads often use guilt to manage their kids. The youngster is told their misbehavior is the reason for personal, family or marital troubles. Misbehaving kids are held responsible for a divorce, sickness in the mother/father, a lack of employment, the family financial situation, etc. "You're the reason nobody in this house is happy!" Moms and dads have been known to threaten suicide in an effort to emotionally punish or control their kids. This method of discipline produces guilt-ridden kids. In some cases, however, excessive use of guilt creates a youngster (then an adult) that is emotionally numb to the feelings of others.

Harassing Cop-

Changes in the Law: A new law permits the Police Officer to harass those who have received a previous ticket for speeding. Once receiving a ticket, the Police Officer begins to stop you on a regular basis to remind you that you're a speeder, although you're traveling the speed limit every day. You receive a lecture regarding speeding with each stop.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: The citizen develops resentment and animosity toward the cop and toward authority figures on the whole. He/she begins avoiding highways/roads assigned to that police officer.

Discussion: Harassment by a mother/father generates kids who are bitter and resentful. They feel unjustly disciplined. If reminded frequently, they attempt to avoid interactions with the mother or father and ultimately avoid being in the same area with the parent. This is a typical experience when the misbehavior generates financial hardships or public humiliation for the moms and dads. In certain situations, the parent is psychologically traumatized to the point that the physical presence of the youngster/adolescent brings up the psychological trauma. This scenario is harmful for both parent and youngster.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Insulting Cop-

Changes in the Law: A new law enables the Police Officer to insult and threaten anybody stopped for speeding. A routine speeding ticket is accompanied by a string of personal insults and threats.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: Most individuals can accept their faults and fines as well – if the consequence is suitable for the crime. Insults and threats, however, tend to be more damaging than the fines. Everybody becomes defensive when threatened.

Discussion: Irritated adults make irritated moms and dads. When correcting a youngster, moms and dads tend to be furious or annoyed by the circumstance, creating the temptation to "jab" at the youngster with insults, even though the consequence has ended. Envision working in a job where your boss, often in the presence of your co-workers, lets you know how ignorant you are every time you make a mistake. Insults tend to be more harmful than fines or consequences and create adults and kids that are indignant, resentful, and have low motivation. The principle behind any parenting style would be to correct, not emotionally hurt, our kids.

The Angry Cop-

Changes in the Situation: The Police Officer has just pulled you over for speeding. In your rear-view mirror you observe him to be furious, cursing, clinching his fists, and walking toward you as if he or she is likely to tear the door from your car.

Behaviors produced in the Violator: Observing the rage of the cop, you feel terrified and nervous. You're afraid of an assault of some sort. You then become afraid that you'll make the wrong remark or move in a fashion that could get you assaulted. Because of this, you "clam-up" and offer no or minimal reaction to questions.

Discussion: When we discipline our kids in frustration, they become focused entirely on our upset disposition and potential for attack – not their original misbehavior. Following several of these incidents, our kids become anxiety-ridden and have the feeling they are "walking on eggshells" in our presence. Kids in these home environments (where an adult has a "hot temper") feel anxious on a regular basis. They start to hide school notes, report cards, and avoid contact with grown-ups in the house. When in this home atmosphere for several years, the kids develop panic disorders, wetting the bed, sleep issues, medical conditions, and behavior problems.

Summary—

When disciplining kids, it is vital that we provide our discipline, structure, and interaction without having rage and violence. Being afraid of a mother/father is not a type of respect – it's a type of intimidation in which violence is respected, not the parent. Our behavior as a parent offers a model for kids. When our discipline includes shouting, intimidating, physical violence or harassing behaviors – these kids will grow to use these same behaviors against the mother/father and eventually against their partners and their kids.

A parent recently described an audit with the Internal Revenue Service (IRS). As he explains it, the audit was introduced with "This audit is not a punishment. This audit is simply to insure compliance." Insuring compliance, good behavior, and following the rules is the aim of parental discipline. Parental discipline is definitely an activity in the home, not a personal challenge to the mother/father. Guiding our kids, by correcting their mistakes at times, is best done in a series of small corrections, not intense shoves.

The Police Officer Approach to Discipline prepares kids for the adult world by emphasizing individual responsibility, acknowledging that mistakes and misbehavior happen, and that improving and fixing our behavior can be achieved in a fashion that isn't psychologically or physically damaging. We are able to provide correction and structure for our kids and still maintain a physically and emotionally healthy home atmosphere.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Bad Attitude – or Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is defined by therapists as a cluster of behaviors that include many or all of the following characteristics:

1. Accusatory
2. Aggressive
3. Angry
4. Argumentative
5. Bad temper
6. Blaming
7. Defiant
8. Foul-mouthed
9. Hostile
10. Low frustration level
11. Negative
12. Oppositional
13. Pessimistic
14. Resentful
15. Spiteful
16. Unreasonable

How can a mother or father know if a teen is simply dealing with the pains of becoming an adult or has a significant conduct problem that will require therapeutic intervention? If this pattern of behavior is becoming the typical emotional state of your adolescent, he or she might have ODD. ODD can disturb home and family life, other relationships, and school efficiency.

This is often a particularly frustrating disorder, since your teen usually believes he or she has just cause to be so indignant. The youngster may fault moms and dads, friends, educators, or other authority figures for the behavior, declaring others are unreasonable, bothersome, or just plain wrong.

Signs of ODD often appear throughout pre-adolescence, around ages 7 to 13. Initially you might observe that although your youngster has become aggressive and unmanageable in your home, they don't present these exact same behaviors to the public or outside world. This can cause moms and dads to become confused, possibly making them feel guilt, because they "must have done something" to cause the hostility. Over time, however, the youngster's behavior will also deteriorate in school, and teachers may begin to complain about your youngster's attitude in class. A typical student in this stage of ODD will be disruptive in class, disrespectful of teachers and other authority figures, aggressive toward peers, and generally act like a malcontent.

Behavior modification, along with other therapeutic interventions, is the perfect solution for an adolescent with ODD. Disregarding this severe set of signs and symptoms will allow your youngster's behavior to continue to deteriorate and hinder his or her social behavior, school performance, and ability to be responsible for his or her life as an adult.

If signs have grown to be more extreme and include physical acts of violence towards property or other folks, or if your youngster has begun to commit criminal acts like stealing, he or she might be struggling with a far more severe Conduct Disorder.

What Can Parents Do?

The main parenting-tool that actually works for ODD children is consequences. You heard right …you put down boundaries for your children and then follow up with consequences when the limit is broken.

“But consequences don't work,” you say. “My kids just don't seem to care.”

Well, perhaps your consequences are ineffective consequences. Perhaps the result of breaking a boundary is actually only a punishment. And punishments do not work. Punishments trigger resentment within the youngster and do nothing at all to alter behavior.

Ask yourself, “Am I just punishing my ODD teen?” It's easy to understand the difference. A consequence must have a learning portion to it. It must be connected to the offence that your child did wrong.

For instance, if your child loses your cell phone, don't make his nightly curfew earlier. There is no link between the cell phone and his curfew and this would be a punishment. A correct consequence would be restricted use of the cell phone in the future, or even that he work to help you pay for a replacement cell phone.

Alternatively, maybe your consequences work well, but your child still does not appear to care. Perhaps your consequence to spend an hour in his room is ineffective because he has a book to read for school and had already planned to spend time in his room. Or maybe losing his driving privileges is ineffective because he plans to be away for the weekend.

You must know that a consequence that works once may not be successful another time. Learn how to assess your child's reactions and alter consequences accordingly.

Once again, your child may not appear to care because he has learned to manage his reactions. So while his outer facade displays indifference, he does indeed worry about his consequence. Don't be misled by his uncaring attitude. If this is the case he will most likely overreact to minor consequences to cause you to feel he is properly being corrected.

Become familiar with your son/daughter and know what makes him/her tick. Having the right consequence is paramount to altering his conduct.

Consequence may be difficult. I have worked with many mothers and fathers fine-tuning my parenting techniques and figuring out what works and what does not. I've created a series of videos that show you the most common mistakes made by parents. Don't get caught in this same trap. It may mean the difference between respectful kids and kids who rule your family.

==> Help for Parents with ODD Children and Teens

Adolescent Sleep Problems

Research demonstrates that teens require 8½ to more than 9 hours of rest a night.

You do not need to be a math expert to figure out that if you wake up for school at 6:00 AM, you would have to go to sleep at 9:00 PM to attain the 9-hour mark. Scientific studies have discovered that many teens have difficulty falling asleep that early, though. It's not due to the fact they don't want to snooze. It is due to the fact their brains normally work on later schedules and aren't ready for bed.

Many teens have sleep problems. Examples include:

• Difficulty falling asleep
• Feeling sleepy during the day
• Frequent awakening during the night
• Having nightmares
• Talking during sleep
• Teeth grinding and clenching
• Waking early

Symptoms of insufficient quality sleep:

• Apparent defiance and belligerence possibly alternating with withdrawal
• Edginess
• Irritability
• Problems with concentration and sometimes with memory
• Sometimes behavioral, learning or social problems in school
• Sometimes blurred vision
• Sometimes vague physical discomfort
• Tiredness

During adolescence, the body's circadian rhythm (sort of like an internal biological clock) is reset, telling a teen to fall asleep later at night and wake up later in the morning. This change in the circadian rhythm seems to be due to the fact that the brain hormone melatonin is produced later at night in teens than it is for kids and adults, making it harder for teens to fall asleep. Sometimes this delay in the sleep-wake cycle is so extreme that it impacts a person's daily functioning. In those cases it's called delayed sleep phase syndrome.

Changes in the body clock are not the only reason teenagers lose sleep, though. Plenty of individuals have sleeplessness — trouble falling or staying asleep. The most common cause of sleeplessness is anxiety. But all sorts of things can lead to sleeplessness, including bodily discomfort (the stuffy nose of a cold or the pain of a headache, for example), emotional troubles (like family problems or relationship difficulties), and even an uncomfortable sleeping environment (a room that's too hot, cold, or noisy).

Adolescents are well known for staying up late at night and being hard to wake up in the early morning. Your adolescent is probably no exception, but it's not necessarily because he or she is lazy or contrary. This behavior pattern actually has a physical cause — and there are ways to help mesh your adolescent's sleep schedule with that of the rest of the world.

Everyone has an internal clock that affects body temperature, sleep cycles, appetite and hormonal changes. The biological and psychological processes that follow the cycle of this 24-hour internal clock are called circadian rhythms. Before adolescence, these circadian rhythms direct most children to naturally fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. But puberty changes an adolescent's internal clock, delaying the time he or she starts feeling sleepy — often until 11 p.m. or later. Staying up late to study or socialize can disrupt an adolescent's internal clock even more.

Most adolescents require about nine hours of sleep a night — and sometimes more — to maintain maximum daytime alertness. But few adolescents really get that much sleep on a regular basis, thanks to part-time employment, homework, extracurricular activities, social demands and early-morning classes. More than 90 percent of adolescents in a recent study reported sleeping less than the recommended nine hours a night. In the same study, 10 percent of adolescents reported sleeping less than six hours a night.

Irritability aside, sleep deprivation may have significant consequences. Daytime sleepiness makes it hard to focus and learn, or even stay awake in class. Too little sleep may contribute to mood swings and behavioral problems. And sleepy adolescents who get behind the wheel may cause serious — even deadly — accidents.

Catching up on sleep during the week-ends appears like a reasonable remedy to adolescent sleeping difficulties, but it does not help much. In fact, sleeping-in can confuse your adolescent's internal clock even more. A forced early bedtime may backfire, too. If your adolescent goes to bed too early, he or she may only lie awake for hours.

Don't assume that your adolescent is at the mercy of his or her internal clock. Take measures this evening by doing the following:

• Adjust the lighting. As bedtime approaches, dim the lights. Turn the lights off during sleep. In the morning, expose your adolescent to bright light. These simple cues can help signal when it's time to sleep and when it's time to wake up.

• Curb the caffeine. A jolt of caffeine may help your adolescent stay awake during class, but the effects are fleeting. And too much caffeine can interfere with a good night's sleep.

• Keep it calm. Encourage your adolescent to wind down at night with a warm shower, a book or other relaxing activities — and avoid vigorous exercise, loud music, video games, text messaging, Web surfing and other stimulating activities shortly before bedtime. Take the TV out of your adolescent's room, or keep it off at night. The same goes for your adolescent's cell phone and computer.

• Nix long naps. If your adolescent is drowsy during the day, a 30-minute nap after school may be refreshing. But too much daytime shut-eye may only make it harder to fall asleep at night.

• Stick to a schedule. Tough as it may be, encourage your adolescent to go to bed and get up at the same time every day — even on weekends. Prioritize extracurricular activities and curb late-night social time as needed. If your adolescent has a job, limit working hours to no more than 16 to 20 hours a week.

• Sleeping pills and other medications generally aren't recommended for adolescents.

In some cases, excessive daytime sleepiness can be a sign of something more than a problem with your adolescent's internal clock. Other problems can include:

• Depression. Sleeping too much or too little is a common sign of depression.

• Insomnia or biological clock disturbance. If your adolescent has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, he or she is likely to struggle with daytime sleepiness.

• Medication side effects. Many medications — including over-the-counter cold and allergy medications and prescription medications to treat depression and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder — can affect sleep.

• Narcolepsy. Sudden daytime sleep, usually for only short periods of time, can be a sign of narcolepsy. Narcoleptic episodes can occur at any time — even in the middle of a conversation. Sudden attacks of muscle weakness in response to emotions such as laughter, anger or surprise are possible, too.

• Obstructive sleep apnea. When throat muscles fall slack during sleep, they stop air from moving freely through the nose and windpipe. This can interfere with breathing and disrupt sleep.

• Restless legs syndrome. This condition causes a "creepy" sensation in the legs and an irresistible urge to move the legs, usually shortly after going to bed. The discomfort and movement can interrupt sleep.

If you're concerned about your adolescent's daytime sleepiness or sleep habits, contact your adolescent's doctor. If your adolescent is depressed or has a sleep disorder, proper treatment may be the key to a good night's sleep.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Strong-Willed Teenagers

Kids Who Can't Pay Attention

Mothers and fathers are troubled once they get a note from school stating that their youngster won't pay attention to the teacher or causes problems in class. One possible reason behind this sort of behavior is ADHD. 

Even though the youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD) often wants to be a good student, the impulsive behavior and difficulty paying attention in class frequently interferes and causes problems. Educators, parents, and friends know that the youngster is misbehaving or different but they may not be able to tell exactly what is wrong.

Any youngster may show poor attention, distractibility, impulsivity, or hyperactivity sometimes, however the youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER shows these symptoms and behaviors more frequently and severely than other kids of the same age or developmental level. ADHD occurs in 3-5% of school age kids. ADHD must begin before the age of seven and it can continue into adulthood. ADHD runs in families with about 25% of biological mothers/fathers also having this medical condition.

A youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER often shows some of the following:

• blurts out answers

• easily distracted

• fidgets or squirms

• impatience

• inattention to details and makes careless mistakes

• interrupts or intrudes on others

• leaves seat and runs about or climbs excessively

• loses school supplies, forgets to turn in homework

• seems "on the go"

• talks too much and has difficulty playing quietly

• trouble finishing class work and homework

• trouble following multiple adult commands

• trouble listening

• trouble paying attention

You will find 3 forms of ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER. Some individuals only have trouble with attention and organization. This is sometimes called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. This is ADHD inattentive subtype. Other people have only the hyperactive and impulsive symptoms. This is ADHD-hyperactive subtype. The Third, and most commonly identified group consists of those people who have difficulties with attention and hyperactivity, or the combined type.

A youngster presenting with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER signs and symptoms needs to have a comprehensive assessment. Moms and dads should ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist, who can diagnose and treat this medical condition. A youngster with ADHD may also have other psychiatric disorders such as conduct disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, or bipolar disorder. These kids may also have learning disabilities.

Without appropriate treatment, the youngster may fall behind in schoolwork, and friendships may suffer. The youngster encounters more failure than achievement and is belittled by educators and family who do not understand a health problem.

Research plainly shows that treatment can help increase attention, focus, goal directed behavior, and organizational skills. Medications most likely to be helpful include the stimulants (various methylphenidate and amphetamine preparations) and the non-stimulant, atomoxetine. Other medications such as guanfacine, clonidine, and some antidepressants may also be helpful.

Other treatment methods may consist of cognitive-behavioral therapy, social skills training, parent education, and modifications to the youngster’s education program. Behavioral therapy can assist a youngster to control aggression, modulate social conduct, and be more successful. Cognitive therapy can help kids build self-esteem, reduce negative thoughts, and improve problem-solving skills. Moms and dads can learn management skills such as issuing instructions one-step at a time rather than issuing multiple requests at once. Education modifications can address ADHD symptoms along with any coexisting learning disabilities.

Moms and dads are often anxious when their youngster has learning difficulties in the school. There are many reasons for school failure, but a typical one is a particular learning disability. Kids with learning disabilities generally have a normal range of intelligence. They try very hard to follow instructions, concentrate, and "be good" at home and in school. Yet, despite this effort, he or she is not mastering school tasks and falls behind. Learning disabilities affect at least 1 in 10 school kids.

It is believed that learning disabilities are triggered by a difficulty with the nervous system that impacts receiving, processing, or communicating information. They may also run in families. Some kids with learning disabilities are also hyperactive; unable to sit still, easily distracted, and have a short attention span.

Psychiatrists point out that learning disabilities are treatable. If not discovered and treated early, however, they can have a destructive "snowballing" effect. For example, a youngster who does not learn addition in elementary school cannot understand algebra in high school. The youngster, trying very hard to learn, becomes more and more frustrated, and develops emotional problems such as low self-esteem in the face of repeated failure. Some learning disabled kids misbehave in school because they would rather be seen as "bad" than "stupid."

Moms and dads should be aware of the most frequent signals of learning disabilities, when a youngster:

• cannot understand the concept of time; is confused by "yesterday, today, tomorrow"
• easily loses or misplaces homework, schoolbooks, or other items
• fails to master reading, spelling, writing, and/or math skills, and thus fails
• has difficulty distinguishing right from left; difficulty identifying words or a tendency to reverse letters, words, or numbers; (for example, confusing 25 with 52, "b" with "d," or "on" with "no")
• has difficulty understanding and following instructions
• has trouble remembering what someone just told him or her
• lacks coordination in walking, sports, or small activities such as holding a pencil or tying a shoelace

Such difficulties should have a comprehensive assessment by a specialist who can evaluate all of the various issues impacting the youngster. A psychiatrist can help coordinate the assessment, and work with school professionals and other people to have the assessment and educational testing done to clarify if a learning disability exists. This involves speaking with the youngster and loved ones, analyzing their circumstances, critiquing the educational testing, and consulting with the school.

The psychiatrist will then make suggestions on suitable school placement, the need for specific help such as special educational services or speech-language therapy and help mothers/fathers assist their youngster in maximizing his or her learning potential. Sometimes individual or family psychotherapy will be recommended. Medication may be prescribed for hyperactivity or distractibility. It is important to strengthen the youngster's self-confidence, so vital for healthy development, and also help parents and other family members better understand and cope with the realities of living with a youngster with learning disabilities.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Oppositional Teens

As much as a teen’s peer group has its influence over her actions, you are also a prime role model for her behavior. And the values or ideals you hold dear most likely may be passed on to your youngster.

Don’t be a hypocrite. In order to keep your household lie-free, of course don’t get caught lying yourself! Adolescents cannot look up to someone who’s telling them one thing while doing another. As much as possible, live by what you preach.

Use humor when you can. When discussing sensitive topics with your teen, such as sex or drug abuse, one can always look towards humor as a great tool in softening things up. If you crack a joke as an icebreaker to begin a topic about sex education, then once you are both laughing it’ll be easier to ease into the topic’s details.

Humor can also make you both feel instantly more comfortable with one another. It’s a great way to alleviate any stress! This is just one helpful hint that may clear up the communication line between you and your adolescent.

What exactly is active parenting?

An active mother or father:

• would not wait for a teen to ask for help, but offer it
• is not too busy with work to ask an adolescent how his/her day went after school
• asks a question and takes the time to really listen to the answer

A point which can contribute to your adolescent’s misbehavior is your own underestimation of him. If you do not keep yourself fully aware of your teen’s full capabilities and the different possibilities that he may turn to when looking for a way around a given penalty, then you’re digging a hole for yourself to fall into. You mustn’t underestimate your adolescent.

When faced with a penalty, your oppositional adolescent will try and look for a way out. It may help to even think of back-up penalties to use in place of set ones in order to keep yourself a step ahead of your teen in the case of him trying to avoid original penalties. It’s never a waste to ask yourself, What if? By thinking things through beforehand, you can lessen the chances of your teen thinking them through ahead of you.

For a complete program on how to deal with oppositional teens, go to MyOutOfControlTeen.com.

Why Teens Have So Much Anger

There is probably no greater problem facing moms and dads than dealing with angry teens.

Anger and learning to deal with anger is a necessary and important part of growing up. Rather than rely on techniques to manage your angry youngster, it seems to help a lot of moms and dads if they understand what makes kids act that way.

What Teens Say About Their Anger—

• "I get angry at my parents because they argue with each other. I don’t respect them."
• "I get angry because I love my parents and they act like they hate each other. How am I supposed to respect them when they act like that?"
• "I get angry when I have a lot of things on my mind that I can’t do anything about and then my parents ask me to do something when I’m already tired and over loaded."
• "I get angry when my parents are unfair and there’s no point in talking to them."
• "I get angry when my parents ask me how my day went. I’m trying to forget it and they make me remember it. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t make everything worse."
• "I get angry when my parents make me feel guilty for something that already happened. I get tired, bored and angry and I forget to do things that make it worse."
• "I get angry when there are other priorities, no time for me and I feel like I don’t matter."
• "I treat my parents the same way they treat me."
• "I’d rather be angry at my parents than feel afraid or feel hurt. I’d probably hurt myself if I wasn’t angry at them. That’s no excuse but that’s how I feel."
• "I’m not angry but my voice gets louder when I end up with more things on my mind that make me feel bad."
• "My parents are stupid. They don’t understand. They just say they do but they don’t. I can’t stand to be around them."
• "When my parents make me feel bad it reminds me of all the other times that people make me feel bad. I already don’t like myself and criticism just makes it worse."

What Can Parents Do?

What kids tell you is not necessarily the whole truth but there is always an element of truth. Just listening to your youngster and understanding what makes them angry can help in most cases. You don’t have to agree with your teenager but it helps to just listen and show your youngster that you care.

There can be no simple solution when facing an angry youngster. It is not fair or even effective to expect moms and dads to avoid upsetting their teenager. Once your child gets angry, you can’t always make it better. But unfortunately moms and dads can make it worse and even reinforce angry behavior if they shout, insult or argue back. Sometimes the best we can do is to not make it worse and then deal with a youngster’s anger at a better time in a fair and effective manner. Giving kids a consequence later when you are not upset and they are not upset is always best. They may get upset later but at least your punishment was not given out of anger. Kids are less likely to "get even" later if you don’t punish them when you are angry.

Kids typically have a lot of expectations that they have not examined rationally. Changing our expectations is not easy – especially when we are used to getting what we want. But the fact is, the best time to explore your youngster’s expectations is not when they are upset. Lecturing an upset teenager or anyone who is upset for that matter is not a "teachable moment". Exploring and gently challenging a youngster’s expectations when they are calm is best. The key is to explore your youngster’s expectations before they get upset and then help correct any errors.

Some kids are just plain temperamental no matter what you do. Others kids are easily frustrated no matter what happens. But the underlying reason is almost always this: Kids become angry when they are frustrated and they assume they are being picked on, treated unfairly or made to feel bad on purpose. They get angry because anger is often the only way they know how to escape or avoid feeling sad, hurt, afraid or out of control.

Blaming others and ignoring their own behavior is a clear sign of an insecure youngster. Insecure kids with low self-esteem feel better when they are angry and blaming other people. Any teenager who is extremely angry at their self can become self-destructive, create failure or think about suicide. It is a sad reality, but anger at the world is not nearly as depressing as feeling like a failure with no excuses.

For help with angry teens, download your copy of the "My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook today…

Tips for Multi-Racial Families

There are approximately 7 million people in the United States who identify as mixed-race with half of these being under the age of 18, and it is estimated that the mixed-race population in the U.S. will reach 21% by 2050. Yet, multiracial people and families remain marginalized and overlooked by mainstream U.S. society. As a result, the unique issues and struggles they face are often poorly understood by professionals, co-workers, friends and extended family, making it difficult to successfully manage challenges when they arise.

Racial Struggles in Multi-racial Families—

All families, regardless of race, encounter challenges and stressors, but there are a variety of unique racially-based issues and struggles that tend to confront multiracial families. To assess if your family may be grappling with any of these, consider the list of questions below.

"Who am I?"

A core struggle for mixed-race people is how to define themselves racially, which is influenced by a host of factors including physical appearance, family values, geographic location, etc.

Does anyone in your family, especially kids or teens, have difficulty defining themselves racially, and experience persistent confusion, anxiety, distress, or irritability when posed with this question?

"Whose side are you on anyway?"

Parental conflict sometimes creates "sides" that kids have to choose between, and in multiracial families, this pressure can be “racialized.” Kayla's father (whose is white) and her mother (who is African American and Native American) argue constantly and Kayla feels torn between them, including racially. According to Kayla, "I'm afraid if I'm too in touch with my black and Native roots my father will think I'm rejecting him and siding with my mother, and if I'm too white my mother will think I'm rejecting her and siding with my father."

Are there parental conflicts in your family that, directly or indirectly, create "sides" and do the "sides" extend to racial issues as well?

When the Misdeeds of One are Held Against All—

Sometimes the hurt that a loved one causes is generalized to an entire racial group. Teresa (who is white) and Jose (who is black and Latino) recently divorced after Teresa fell in love with another man. Their three kids, who felt abandoned, have generalized their hurt and anger with their mother towards all white people. As their daughter stated, "You just can't trust white people, they let you down every time."

Has anyone in your family used the hurt and anger caused by an individual as "proof" of stereotypes or negative beliefs about an entire racial group?

Racial Devaluation—

Racial devaluation occurs when negative attitudes and behaviors are expressed toward any of the racial groups represented in the family. This may occur directly when family members make denigrating racial comments, or indirectly through behaviors where lighter or "whiter looking" kids are treated more favorably than darker kids.

How might you or other family members express racial devaluation? How often does this happen? What effects might this have on the family, especially on kids?

Between Siblings—

While some sibling rivalry and conflict is natural, beware of when it becomes racial. Tensions among siblings around differences in complexion, hair textures, eye color, and facial features often are tied to painful wounds that can strain relationships and compromise healthy racial identity development.

Do any of the sibling conflicts in your family revolve around racial issues?

“Race doesn't matter in our family…”

Wanting to see everyone as "just human" and to not make race "an issue" leads some families to avoid talking about race altogether. Yet race and racism are inescapable realities in our society. Families who don't talk directly about race often fail to provide their kids with the racial socialization they need to understand and manage racial realities outside of the family. As Mr. Jones explained, "In this family, we're all people, so we don't dwell on the race stuff." While a noble ideal, in refusing to address race, Mr. Jones failed to prepare his son, Carl (half white and half Asian), to handle the "the race stuff" he encountered when he went away to college.

Is it hard for your family to discuss race openly and directly? What messages do kids learn about race and how are they prepared to manage racial issues in the wider world?

When Friends are Unfriendly—

Many mixed-race kids experience racial scorn and rejection from peers. Such experiences are painful but with appropriate guidance and affirmation kids can cope successfully.

If and when your kids encounter racial rejection from peers, do they talk to you about these experiences? Do your kids have the coping skills and resources to manage these experiences with confidence?

What to Do If Any of These Signs Are Present—

If you recognize any of these signs in your family, consulting with a marriage and family therapist is highly recommended. Family therapists are trained to understand, restructure, and heal family relationships. A family therapist may spend some time meeting alone with mothers and fathers or just with kids, but at all times they are working for the benefit of both the whole family and for each individual member.

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