Dealing with Teen Rage

There can be no simple solution when facing a raging teen. It is not fair or even effective to expect mothers and fathers to avoid upsetting their teen. Once your teen gets pissed-off, you can’t always make it better.

Unfortunately, moms and dads can make it worse - and even reinforce angry behavior - if they shout, insult or argue back. Sometimes the best we can do is to not make it worse and then deal with a teen’s rage at a better time in a fair and effective manner. Giving teens a consequence later when you are not upset - and when they are not upset - is always best. They may get upset later, but at least your consequence was not given out of rage. Teens are less likely to "get even" later if you don’t discipline them when you are upset.

Dealing with Teen Rage: 15 Tips for Parents

1. In order to come up with a solution that will help, it’s important to first figure out what the problem is—what causes your child’s rage? You’ll be on your way to stopping the tirades once you identify your teen’s “triggers” (i.e., the events or situations that precede the rage). Learning your teen’s triggers is one of the first steps to helping her learn better anger-management skills. When she’s able to learn her triggers, she’ll start to recognize them when they begin to brew. Only when she recognizes them can she start to use a new strategy to manage them.

2. Actively listen to the emotions behind your adolescent’s rage. Then share observations like “When I become angry, it’s usually because I first feel hurt, disappointed, embarrassed or some other emotions” or “In that situation, I know that I would first feel rejected and then probably somewhat annoyed.”

3. Adolescents need help in challenging and replacing unrealistic thoughts (e.g., all or nothing thinking like “I need to be perfect or I am a failure”). Help them challenge such thoughts with more realistic and compassionate thoughts (e.g., “Just because I feel like I have to be perfect does not mean it is true”).

4. Adolescents need to learn skills in body awareness and relaxation in order to reduce the physical tension associated with rage. Simply deeply inhaling and exhaling three times can help an adolescent become relaxed. This approach can be rehearsed when your teen is calm so he easily remembers to use it when he actually experiences rage.

5. Adolescents perceive things very differently from grown-ups. You might assume you know what happened, but your teen probably experienced it very differently. So ask her about it even if you think you know the answer. For example, you might ask “What were you thinking right before you dropped the F-bomb during class?” Some adolescents have trouble putting their thoughts into words when they are upset. If your teen is still upset from the incident, give her time to calm down before trying to have any sort of conversation about what happened.

6. All adolescents benefit when they learn healthy rage-management. When they do so, they gain increased self-awareness, frustration tolerance, self-control, competence and empathy for themselves and others. In contrast, adolescents who mismanage rage may exhibit social withdrawal, academic underachievement, substance abuse, bullying, gang participation, prejudice and suicidal behaviors.

7. Enlist the help of other grown-ups in your teen’s life to observe your teen’s behavior and interactions (e.g., other relatives, other parents, teachers, coaches, etc.). If your teen starts raging while others are around, ask them what they saw happen right before the rage started (e.g., if she starting raging in school, find out what the teacher saw happening or what other students reported to her). Think of yourself as an investigator interviewing the witnesses so that you can piece everything together and start to make connections between environmental factors and your teen’s rage.

8. Let your teen know what you have observed about the trigger and the subsequent raging behavior (e.g., "I’ve noticed that when you think something is unfair, that's when you start calling me a bitch"). By connecting the dots for her, you are helping her learn what triggers her rage. Then come up with a plan for what your teen will do differently next time she is in this kind of situation.

9. Observation is one of your best tools for identifying your teen’s triggers, especially with those who have less self-awareness. Simply pay attention and be aware of the warning signs. Watch and listen, whether your teen is hanging out with friends at home, doing homework, or playing video games. You might start to notice patterns emerging. For example, maybe your teen does well with her homework but starts to get mouthy and upset when it’s time to do her chores. That would alert you that there may be a trigger related to chores that you want to explore more.

10. Often there are physical symptoms that come along with triggers. The nervous system kicks into high gear when a trigger is present and can cause rapid heartbeat, warm flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, cold hands, muscle tension, and a lot of other signals. Ask your teen what she feels in her body when the trigger you are talking about is occurring. When your teen is aware of the warning signs her body gives her, it will serve as a natural cue to put the new plan you came up with during your problem-solving discussions into action.

11. Partner with your teen to establish some type of cue that you will use whenever she is starting to get upset (e.g., clapping your hands, clearing your throat). Choose one specific trigger to work on, and then come up with some kind of hand signal or phrase that will serve as an alert to your teen that the trigger is present. This allows you to make your teen aware of the trigger subtly in social situations. Once you have alerted her, she’ll have the chance to self-correct. If you cue your teen, but she doesn’t use the response the two of you had planned on, have her take a break from whatever is going on and come speak to you in a quiet place, away from an audience. This is where you step in and help your teen correct her behavior. Let her know you gave her the cue, but you noticed she didn’t respond the way you had discussed. Remind her of what you talked about and let her know what the consequences will be if she doesn’t use the plan the next time you cue her.

12. We teach "healthy anger" to adolescents by helping them realize they are more prone to experience negative emotions and related rage when they maintain unrealistic expectations and conclusions regarding others and ourselves. Your teenager may be prone to rage when he has rigid expectations (rather than a desire or wish) that he or others “have to” or “should” behave as expected (e.g., your daughter may experience expectations of entitlement that make her vulnerable to rage following the slightest disappointment).

13. We teach adolescents healthy anger-management when we help them recognize that rage is most often a reaction to other negative emotions such as embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, shame or hurt related to rejection or feelings of inadequacy. Sharing your emotions, unrealistic expectations and conclusions that underlie your rage, helps your teen reflect on the meaning of his rage. By modeling reflection and self-awareness, you also offer your teen permission to candidly and openly accept and discuss his feelings and thoughts.

14. Visual imagery offers a way towards physical control and relaxation. The following exercise can be rehearsed so that your adolescent can gain physical composure when he actually experiences tension associated with rage:

• Have him sit in a comfortable chair, close his eyes and visualize a place that is extremely relaxing and peaceful.
• Suggest he imagine the colors, the sounds, the air quality, the shapes, lines and texture of the objects in his scene.
• Once relaxed, suggest he shift his attention to envisioning his muscles becoming more relaxed, beginning with his forehead, his face, jaw, neck, shoulders, torso, and down to his toes.
• Then have him do this once again. By rehearsing it, he develops the capacity to relax his body without having to actually picture the scene.

15. Healthy anger implies managing it in a constructive way, not denying, minimizing, or suppressing it, nor letting it “all hang out” in the form of rage. Most importantly, we teach healthy anger-management by helping adolescents recognize that anger is a natural emotion. We teach healthy anger-management by helping them to:

• Recognize and identify the negative emotions behind their rage
• Identify, challenge and replace unrealistic conclusions and expectations
• Learn physical relaxation skills to maintain composure
• Develop problem-solving skills.

With time, most adolescents not only learn how to respond more effectively when triggers occur, but they learn to anticipate them and even avoid situations that might set them off. They will start to see triggers as real things that they can manage with real tools. When your teen realizes there are things she can do to manage her triggers appropriately, your pay-off is a teen that knows herself well, has improved anger-management skills, and feels more confident about herself. And when you’re able to help your teen reduce her tirades, you’ll feel calmer and more in control too.

Problem solving skills may involve brainstorming, thinking through alternative ways of managing rage, communicating rage and evaluating effectiveness of strategies for managing rage. While most adolescents benefit from these strategies alone, some may need additional support from professionals. Special support is indicated when your adolescent’s rage is of a long duration (several weeks or longer), is intense (physically or verbally) and is pervasive (directed at many different individuals and in many different settings). Learning healthy anger-management is a process that takes time. It requires commitment, practice and patience – from you and your adolescent.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teaching Problem-Solving Skills to Defiant Children

What causes defiant behavior? The reason: Because defiant kids haven’t figured-out how to solve their problems yet. If parents don't find out what problem their child is trying to solve with her bad behavior and offer her a good solution, the defiance will continue – and get worse over time!

There are many different kinds of problems children encounter, and each looks a little different in terms of behavior. These are the three main types of problem-solving challenges parents can expect to experience:

1. Social problems: Some children have great difficulty getting along well with others, particularly peers their own age (e.g., they don’t know how to handle it if a classmate does something they don’t like). Bullies, in particular, often lack social problem-solving skills and mistreat their peers to compensate.

2. Functional problems: This is when your youngster has problems meeting responsibilities at home and school (e.g., lies about having his homework done or loses his homework, refuses to do chores, talks back to teachers, etc.).

3. Emotional problems: Most kids have moments of feeling angry, sad, frustrated, helpless, etc. When you are a youngster who hasn’t figured-out how to deal with these feelings, just having them can bring on defiant behavior.

Teaching problem-solving skills to the defiant child:

1. Start by having a conversation with your child about a recent problematic incident in which he exhibited defiant behavior (do this after things have calmed down and before you talk about consequences). Your ultimate goal is to help your child identify the problem, teach him how to solve it, and then hold him accountable. If your youngster refuses to participate in the conversation without being defiant - or refuses to participate at all – withhold a privilege until he cooperates.

2. Help your child get the facts and identify his feelings. When kids are angry, frustrated or upset, they need to learn how to identify the problem. When asking your youngster to tell you his problems, be calm and nonjudgmental. Kids see things from their own perspectives and may be completely unaware of how their actions affect others. Helping kids identify their own feelings and recognize the feelings of others is an important step.

3. Help your child to set a conflict-resolution goal and define what he wants to happen in the situation. When kids have clear goals, it’s easier to think of solutions.

4. Help your child generate alternatives. Help kids stay focused on their problems and ask what they can do to reach their goals. When kids offer alternatives, repeat their ideas and ask them what else could be done. Don’t criticize their ideas. Instead, prompt more solutions by asking questions. If they can’t think of alternatives, ask them to imagine how someone else might handle the situation.

5. After your child has generated his ideas and alternatives, help him evaluate the consequences (e.g., “What might happen if . . .? Would it be safe? Would it be fair? How would everyone feel?”). Parents should encourage kids to evaluate their ideas and see why they are acceptable or unacceptable.

6. Ask your child for a decision. After kids evaluate their ideas, parents should restate the problem, summarize their ideas and let kids decide which actions they would like to try. If kids choose an idea that you think will not work, make sure they know what their alternatives are and what they should try next.

7. Talk about what your youngster will do differently the next time this problem comes up. Allow him to try to come up with an idea on his own (make some suggestions if he’s struggling though). When you ask your youngster what he will do differently next time, he may give you a superficial answer (e.g., "I just won’t do it again" … "I’ll do better"). Superficial thinking indicates that your youngster truly believes he can just do something without really putting thought or effort into it. Get your youngster to be more specific (e.g., "Exactly how will you stop cursing at me? What will I see you doing instead?").

Other points to consider:

• Remember that children observe their parents very closely. If YOU yell, but you don’t want your youngster to raise HIS voice, this is a problem. It’s important for you to act the way you want your kids to act. Observation is a key learning method for children, especially younger ones, so be aware of this.

• Ask questions to identify the problem (e.g., "What were you thinking when…?" or "What were you trying to accomplish by…?").

• Talk about only one problem at a time. Don’t bring up something that happened last week or something else your youngster did earlier today that upset you. If your youngster brings up another incident, let him know you will talk about that later. Tackling too many issues at once only results in frustration for both parents and children.

• As you go through the process of having problem-solving discussions, you will notice that your child gradually uses those replacement behaviors more and more with less coaching from you. As children get better at solving various problems on their own, they will start to feel better about themselves. Having strong problem-solving skills improves self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Children and Teens

Implementing Effective Consequences for Teenagers

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager? Don't let this behavior go unchecked, or you'll soon have a disaster on your hands. Teenagers need to know that their actions have consequences, but as a mother or father, you need to ensure that you enforce effective consequences for disrespectful behavior in teenagers – both at home and school.

As a former disrespectful teen, I remember all too well being on the opposite side of the fence. I hope the following tips for dealing with disrespectful teenagers will help you establish effective consequences:

1. Choosing effective consequences for your disrespectful adolescent shouldn't be difficult. You either give or you take away: You give additional chores or work assignments, and you take away personal entertainment access. You must decide on a time period for the effective consequence to take place. Does one smart remark earn one missed hour of video games? Does a detention at school mean one night being grounded?

2. Consequences should be closely related to your teen’s misbehavior (e.g., if your son comes in late for curfew on Friday night, set his curfew 30 minutes earlier the next weekend).

3. Continued misbehavior requires a warning of the consequence. Move closer to the teen than normal conversational distance and make direct and prolonged eye contact. Be very specific about your expectation and the time frame for compliance. Tell him exactly what the consequence of noncompliance will be. Walk away and give him the opportunity to comply. If the warning doesn't work, send the teen to another room while you both cool off. Ignore arguing and expressions of anger. After a few minutes, go back to your teen. Speak calmly and without emotion. Explain that the consequence is now in effect and how long it will last.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens 

4. Dialogue with your adolescent about her disrespectful behavior. See if you can locate the source of your adolescent's disrespectful behavior by chatting candidly and frankly. Part of the battle in adolescence comes from being forced to transition between childhood and adulthood with a shaky balance until your adolescent has found her footing. Ease the transition and show your respect for your adolescent by talking to her as you would any other grown-up.

5. Don’t debate—it will only make things worse and result in a power struggle.

6. Don’t overreact or under–react. Moms and dads can often be too intense (e.g., make the consequence too long or difficult) or too permissive (neglect to follow through on giving a consequence).

7. Don't discount the teaching effect of natural consequences. For example, if your teen refuses to do homework, he'll get a bad grade. If he shoplifts and gets caught, he'll probably have legal problems. These are the logical consequences for the misbehavior. Let your teen experience them.

8. Don't keep a running tab of your teen's misbehavior. Implement consequences for misbehavior, and then let it go.

9. Evaluate your own actions. Actions always speak louder than words, so make sure that what you say matches up with what you do. Any discrepancies will be noted by your eagle-eyed disrespectful adolescent and may even be brought painfully to your attention. Telling an adolescent not to smoke when you've been a pack a day smoker since you were his age wouldn't accomplish anything.

10. Have patience. Though it may have seemed as if your well-behaved youngster transformed suddenly into a surly adolescent, the truth is that these patterns of disrespect in adolescents don't develop overnight. You won't be able to resolve the problem instantly, so don't expect that you can. By holding true to the effective consequences that you decide on for your adolescent, you must be consistent for at least thirty days before you can see any lasting effects.

11. If you find that the consequences you’ve given aren’t effective, there’s nothing wrong with going back to the drawing board. If you’ve assigned too harsh of a consequence, you may need to rethink what you’ve said and come back with something else. Also, you may need to change the consequence because your teen isn’t taking it seriously.

12. If you’re feeling frustrated or angry, you might say, “Let’s talk about this when we’re both calm. I’ll get back to you later in the day.”

13. If your adolescent is being disrespectful to others at school, schedule meetings with your adolescent's classroom teachers to discuss the problem. Many teachers have dealt with similar problems from similar adolescents and may be able to offer advice, support, and resources to help.

14. Make sure the consequence you give your teen makes him uncomfortable (e.g., it would be meaningless to take away a video game from a teen who doesn’t like them very much).

15. Once the child has been disciplined, resist the urge to keep reminding him of the past offense.

16. Remember that an effective consequence is (a) clear and specific, (b) logically related to the misbehavior, (c) time-limited, and (d) varied.

17. Remember, if you’re out of control, it reduces your authority.

18. Remind your adolescent that he is loved. It might sound a little too new age for your taste, but all human beings need to feel loved. Disrespectful behavior often comes as a result of nothing getting enough loving attention. By reinforcing your positive feelings about the adolescent, you let your child know that you care. Your adolescent might scoff at your open admission of love, but deep down, adolescents need to hear this message.

19. Take a deep breath. The old trick that tells you to count to ten and take a deep breath before scolding anyone is a great one to keep actively in mind during your son’s or daughter’s teen years. Adolescence is often a difficult transition for your youngster, so try to remember this. Take a couple of days to draft a list of effective consequences for your disrespectful adolescent.

20. Talk with a mental health professional is the behavior continues after you've steadily been enforcing effective consequences for disrespectful behavior. The problem may rest deeper than you are able to effectively manage. You might even consider parent-child counseling. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens 

21. The consequences you give should have a definite beginning and end. You don’t want to make them so long and drawn out that your teen can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. When consequences are too harsh or have no end, the teenager starts to feel hopeless and just gives up. They need to feel like they’re capable of following through on whatever the expectation is.

22. There are times when you need time to think about what consequence would be most effective. Often it’s useful for your teen to have time to think about what he’s done, as well. It’s uncomfortable for children to have to wait and hear what their mother or father is going to say—and taking that time will help you come up with a more effective consequence.

23. We often take our teen's behavior personally and see it as a reflection on us. But our job is to teach our kids about good behavior. How we teach is by managing their behavior and actions. In a sense, our parenting work is to "civilize" our kids so that they can be responsible, caring, loving grown-ups.

24. When you are caught up in the heat of the moment, you definitely need to take a timeout. When you do this, you don't have to let your teen know what you're doing. Just send him to his room and tell him you'll be back to talk with him later. It's okay for your teen to be anxious about what the consequence might be. Remember, that waiting period can be a useful period. This is also a perfect example of a time when parents need to be good actors. Try to keep your face and tone as neutral as possible when you speak to your teen, even if you're steaming mad inside.

25. When you notice non-compliance, first give a reminder. Remember to make direct eye contact. This simple strategy will work most of the time. Begin to think of an effective consequence if the reminder doesn't work.

26. When you see your teen behaving the way he should, take time to notice and then say something about it. The old adage of “catch your child in the act of being good” is true for a reason—it acknowledges good behavior and inspires him to keep trying.

27. When your teen misbehaves, you always want to ask him this question afterward: “What will you do differently next time?” Have him come up with some examples. If he can’t, you can help him with a few of your own.

28. When you're telling your teen what his consequence is after he's misbehaved, be as brief and clear as possible. It can completely undo the lesson you want him to learn if you repeat yourself or get in a long discussion about it. This is because it's easy for you as a parent to start negotiating or minimizing, or to get drawn into an argument with your teen.

29. Write a list of consequences and rewards that might be of value to your teenager. You can even ask him for his ideas for consequences and rewards.

30. Your teen needs to be capable of doing what you ask (e.g., if you say that his consequence is to patch and paint the hole he kicked in the wall, but he has no idea how to do that, you’ll both end up frustrated—and the bad behavior will probably escalate).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

How To Put Your Child In “Time-Out”

Time-outs can be an effective method of discipline for kids ages 3 to 9. Getting the best results will require some work in the beginning, but things will get easier as time goes on.

This type of discipline, which involves isolating the youngster for a short period of time so he can think over his behavior, can help the mother or father feel less guilty for disciplining the youngster.

Tips for making time-outs an effective disciplinary method:

1. A time-out allows both the parent and the youngster to have a few minutes on their own before talking through the issue.

2. A time-out provides kids with an understanding that they are responsible for their own actions, and that there are consequences to negative behavior.

3. A time-out provides the tools necessary for parent and child to have a conversation about why the behavior is inappropriate and what can be done differently next time.

4. Choose a designated area or chair in a boring place. Make sure there is no television or other distractions close by. If you live in a small place, face the chair to a wall. Remember to discipline the youngster and not reward him by sitting him on a couch in front of a TV.

5. Decide which kinds of misbehaviors you will use the time-outs for. Common misbehaviors that require time-outs include:

• back talk
• biting
• grabbing
• hitting
• kicking
• name-calling
• pushing
• screaming
• shoving
• spitting
• temper tantrums
• yelling

Waking up in a bad mood or forgetting a chore wouldn't need to be disciplined by a time-out because these are not aggressive behaviors. Explain to the youngster ahead of time what a time-out is and how it will be used.

6. Discuss with the youngster the reason for the time-out when time is up.

7. For a time-out to be effective, your youngster has to understand the rules AND be able to connect inappropriate behavior with temporary loss of privileges. So, make sure your youngster understands the concept of consequences.

8. The time-out should be appropriate for the age and development of your youngster. If everyone is playing in the living room, and a 3-year-old needs a time-out, he doesn't have to be banished all the way to his room. It will make enough of an impact on him that he has to stop playing and sit quietly on the couch or in a time-out chair. For a school-age child, it may be more appropriate for him to go to his room (and may actually be less embarrassing for him).

9. Use a time-out immediately after the bad behavior. Don't carry on a conversation on the way.

10. Use age-appropriate time-outs. The general rule is one minute for each year of age. So a 3-year-old would sit for 3 minutes, while a 4-year-old would sit for 4 minutes, and so on. Even if it's difficult to make a youngster sit in a time-out for that amount of time, be firm and persistent. The best thing about this form of discipline is that as time goes on, it gets easier and easier to enforce. Persistence and not giving in are the keys. If it helps, a portable kitchen timer can be used to count down the minutes.

11. When used calmly and consistently, a time-out is an incredible helpful way to raise responsible and communicative kids.

12. The most important part of a time-out is when the time-out is over, but before the youngster has returned to his activity. This is where you have the opportunity to talk to him. The following points are the most crucial to make sure that the youngster understands why he was in a time-out, and what he can do to avoid one in the future. The conversation should be brief and age-appropriate. If you're dealing with a young child, you're going to do most of the talking, but with an older child, it can be more of a dialogue. Once the youngster has served his time, he has "paid his debt to society" and the incident should be considered over and done with.

1. Review the situation (e.g., "You had a time-out because you were mad and hit your sister")
2. Restate the rule and give an alternate behavior (e.g., "We don't hit when we're mad – we can use our words")
3. Let the child resume his activity (e.g., "You did a good job in your time-out, so now you can say sorry to your sister and go play)" 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children

How To Raise Responsible Teens: Everything Parents Need To Know

The thought of raising adolescents often comes with fear and trembling accompanied by visions of raging hormones and slamming doors. In a world that often teaches us to "watch out for number one," it can be a challenge to raise responsible teenagers.

Below are THE BEST TIPS to follow that will help moms and dads provide opportunities for their teenagers to develop responsible behaviors:

1. Adolescence is a time when teens move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. This path is not always smooth because the changes can be hard to cope with for both you and your adolescent. This is a time for moms and dads to gradually help adolescents to take responsibility for themselves. During adolescence your teens may seem to temporarily reject your values and it is easy to become frustrated and distressed and feel that you have lost your influence and control over your teens. Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behavior, sulkiness and crying can be expected from time to time as they 'test out the waters', try new ways of managing their lives, and deal with the ups and downs of teenage life. It can be a difficult time for everyone and requires consideration and patience on all sides.

2. Adolescents need some rules and limits. It works best if you can work these out together with your adolescent so that she feels she has some choice. This means there is more chance of her being responsible.

3. Adolescents usually have more than enough social outlets. They need boundaries and safe, secure situations in which to grow. You are the provider of both, and when you act like a friend, your adolescent will lose security. Adolescents who view their moms and dads as authority figures and providers are more likely to be close to them in adulthood. Despite what appearances might suggest, adolescents do not respect moms and dads who behave like adolescents. Relating to your adolescent, based on your own experiences, can be a successful method of working through challenging situations, but at no time should you lose your parental status.

4. Allow for some risk taking, but also keep your adolescent's safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your adolescent's safety away from home and some for how she behaves in the home.

5. Ask yourself how important it is to 'win' the battle. Focus on the important things and learn to overlook minor ones.

6. At times, you may feel like the enemy, and your adolescent might actually refer to you as such. No matter how hurt you may feel, it is important to remain the one person who consistently stands by your adolescent. Peers and educators will come and go. But you will always be the mother or father. By establishing rules and consequences, you’re the one person in your adolescent’s life that holds him accountable no matter what. Even if we don’t like authority figures in our lives, they typically establish order and security.

7. Authority and mutual respect are essential. You have to mean what you say and stick to your guns. If your adolescent is grounded for two weeks, then make sure he stays home the full two weeks. Without follow through, adolescents won’t get the message and will continue to test you.

8. Be generous in times of stress (e.g., exams or a romance break-up). It will be appreciated.

9. Be mindful that limits for 13-year-olds are not suitable for 16-year-olds and are far less suitable for 18-year-olds.

10. Before you jump in and react, look for the cause. Listen first to what your adolescent has to say.

11. Continually reminding your adolescent of past mistakes is not helpful. It is important to give your adolescent a chance to try again after a mistake. Mistakes are how we all learn.

12. Don't decide on rules in the middle of a crisis, especially if your adolescent is in trouble for doing something wrong.

13. Don't store up bad feelings from the last time your adolescent broke the rules.

14. Every teenager should feel some discomfort. Your adolescent should have to deal with whatever results from his behavior as long as it’s fair, reasonable, and directly related. At the same time, don’t set up rules and regulations that might put him in danger. For example, if his curfew is midnight, don’t require him to speed in order to make it home on time. As long as he calls ahead and doesn’t bend the curfew consistently, give him some leeway with the exact minute he has to be back.

15. Expect and insist on a fair share in helping with chores so that your adolescent learns to contribute, feels a part of the family and shares the load.

16. Gradually remove the limits as your adolescent takes over the reins of her own life.

17. If behavior seems to be getting out of control or there is violence, you need to get support.

18. It’s essential to make sure your adolescent knows that you love him despite anything he does. Even greater, you love him enough to not let him develop behaviors that may be harmful to him or anyone else. Direct your criticisms and comments at the behavior, not the adolescent. If your adolescent fails a course due to lack of effort, don’t use phrases like “You’re lazy” or “You’ll never do well because you don’t try.” While you may even feel that these thoughts are accurate at the time, they only condemn and don’t solve the real issue. Focus on the behavior that created the problem such as not studying or not asking for needed help. Be sure to express that you’re not only confident that the behavior can change, but you’re expecting it to change. Then work together on specific restrictions and actions that need to take place for the behavior to improve.

19. It’s not funny when your adolescent messes up, particularly when you’re left to clean up the mess. Losing your sense of humor won’t help. It may not seem funny at the time, but most challenging situations can eventually be viewed in a comical way. If your adolescent feels comfortable laughing and joking with you regularly, he’ll also be more likely to listen when you get serious.

20. Just because rules are broken does not mean there shouldn't be any rules. When rules are broken, there needs to be some consequence, but this has to be carefully thought about.

21. Look after yourself. Get support, talk to others and give yourself a 'break' without feeling guilty.

22. Moms and dads may feel that they put in a lot of effort with their adolescent and they are often hurt when even the most reasonable agreements are not kept. This is normal and part of your adolescent testing. It is wiser not to over-react.

23. Moms and dads want to be respected but don’t always return that respect by listening to their adolescent. Not listening to your adolescent expresses that you don’t feel he has anything valuable to say. Even when disagreeing, adolescents should be given time to express their feelings and thoughts. This shouldn’t give an adolescent the right to be ugly or behave inappropriately, of course. Modeling and developing guidelines for how argumentative ideas should be expressed is essential. If you want to be heard, learn to listen.

24. Most teens simply “shut down” when the parent gets “pissed” and starts yelling at them. Sometimes moms and dads only punish once they have reached the end of their patience. In reality, this allows adolescents to misbehave for a period of time before suffering any consequences. Not only is this confusing, it can also lead to abuse. Dealing with an adolescent emotionally often produces dramatic immediate effects, but ultimately it creates a communication wall in the relationship. Consistent parenting prevents punishing in anger and rage. Stepping away from the situation to recover emotionally also proves helpful.

25. Often you need to do things together on their terms. Listen to their ideas without trying to force your ideas on them. Take an interest in what is important to them and you will have a good baseline to work from.

26. Regarding chores, expect that you will often have to remind him and that in his eyes he is "the only one doing anything" and that he "has done heaps already!"

27. Remember even when you love your adolescents you can still get angry and dislike what they do at times.

28. Save grounding for the worst violations (e.g., staying out past curfew, hanging out in places you haven’t approved, harming others, doing something illegal, etc.). Restrict privileges (e.g., using the car or computer) for less serious offenses like neglecting schoolwork or not filling the gas tank. The most minor errors, such as letting dirty laundry pile up, may simply mean your adolescent won’t have clean clothes to wear.

29. Set consequences that can be quickly completed and then give your adolescent a chance to try again (e.g., "You came home very late after we agreed on a time, so tomorrow I will pick you up" or "Tomorrow you will have to stay home").

30. Show your adolescent how to earn freedom. Tell her: “You are responsible for what you choose to do and for what happens to you and others as a result of your decisions and actions.” It’s your adolescent’s choice. The more she proves to be responsible (i.e., dependable and honest), the more freedom you can give her. If she violates your trust by acting irresponsibly, you take away some of that freedom. For instance, if she gets a speeding ticket, take away her license until she rebuilds your trust. The two of you should collaborate on how she can begin to earn back your confidence. If moms and dads start from the assumption that their kids are honest and responsible, adolescents will want to live up to that trust. But don’t assume children will figure things out on their own.

31. Some of life’s greatest lessons result from failing. Moms and dads who micromanage their adolescents because they are afraid of their adolescent failing prevent their youngster from developing important life skills. As much as you don’t want to have to discipline your adolescent, letting him fail and living with the consequences can teach him more than your chosen discipline.

32. Some parents use a technique called “placing a guilt-trip.” Guilt may create an immediate response, but this style of discipline actually promotes internal emotional issues for adolescents that may not be dealt with until adulthood, if ever. Reasoning with an adolescent, providing a basis for your expectations and consequences, does not always evoke an immediate response, but the long-term results are typically more positive.

33. Trusting your adolescent is an important part of your relationship. Trust has to be earned by both of you. Remind yourself that your adolescent is struggling with lots of new feelings and his behavior could be showing genuine unhappiness which needs your concern.

34. Try to find out from other moms and dads what limits they are setting and remember that if you are too far away from what their friends' moms and dads are doing, you will have much more difficulty in getting your adolescent to cooperate with you.

35. Understand that what works for one teenager might not work for another.

36. What you say to yourself makes all the difference in how you cope with teenage problems. If you think, "Why should I have to put up with this behavior?" you are more likely to act in a way that drags out the battle, than if you think, "My son is struggling at the moment and I need to work out the best way to sort this out".

37. Whatever you decide in the way of disciplinary measures, know that your adolescent is likely to see it as punishment and be resentful – but if you don't take any action, you are making it more difficult for yourself next time.

38. Whenever possible, the discipline should be reflective of wrongdoing. For example, if an adolescent returns home after curfew, limiting his nights out temporarily would be appropriate. An adolescent that doesn’t complete school work might be required to miss a social event to complete the work. If the adolescent misses the social event as a consequence, but doesn’t actually do school work, the consequences don’t make sense and just seem spiteful.

39. While all kids need consistent discipline, it’s even more important for adolescents. They get frustrated when a behavior is acceptable one day and not acceptable the next. The established rules need specific consequences. Realistic and consistent consequences demonstrate a “real world” view for adolescents. Creating house rules with consequences, then responding appropriately, provides all kids with security and direction.

40. Work on your relationship with your teenager first, because no discipline will be successful unless this is the basis. Having a good relationship takes time.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: How To Effectively Discipline Unruly Teenagers

Does Your Child or Teenager Have a “Sense of Entitlement”?

Walk through any high school hallway or shopping mall lobby and you’ll see them: teenagers with iPhones or Droids in hand, sitting at tables with laptops, or maybe even the new iPad. 

Today’s teens are drowning in the digital age, and some say the teenagers have an “I deserve it – and you owe me” attitude. As more and more digital “toys” enter the scene, moms and dads increase complaints about a “sense of entitlement” some teenagers seem to have, a belief that they deserve - or should simply have - the latest and greatest offerings available.

In the post-modern period, teenagers have typically begun to display a sense of entitlement that their moms and dads can't understand. Teenagers born in the 1990s, for example, were born into a world of personal computers, cable television, compact disc players and other technological advances. Many parents have showered their kids with these wonderful toys and gifts. As a result, today's teenagers now feel entitled to all these devices and other privileges as a matter of course and not because of hard work or sacrifice. The adolescent may seem spoiled in comparison to older generations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Signs and symptoms of entitlement include:

• Expecting a certain standard of living without work or effort
• Feeling entitled to move back home with parents because being an adult is “too hard”
• Feeling justified in supporting their lifestyle on credit, and expecting parents to “help” pay their bills
• Kids and teens who “must have” the latest fads and fashions
• Older teens entering the workforce feel entitled to start at the top
• Older teens who feel they should be given handouts until they find jobs that “suit” them
• Teens feel entitled to a new car when they turn 16
• Older teens who just don’t like their jobs feel entitled to quit and collect unemployment

When children have a sense of entitlement, they don’t see the world in real terms. When money and material goods have been handed to them their whole lives, they won’t have the idea that they should work to achieve their goals. Their view of the world will be, “If I want it, someone will give it to me.”

How to reduce your child’s sense of entitlement:

1. As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about the moms and dads. We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as kids, to assure ourselves that our kids love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel. One mother states, "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs, so I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" Giving your children whatever new gadget they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from. Ask yourself a series of questions:

• Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children?
• Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your youngster is?
• Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution?

Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your children, you'll be better able to kick the habit.

2. The first few times you stick to a new rule and say “no,” it will be painful — for you, your youngster, and everyone else within hearing distance. There will be tantrums at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way. If you hold to that line every day, your youngster will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop. In fact, experts compare this part of the de-spoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word “no.”

3. Moms and dads have this illusion that if they give their kids a “reason why” they can't do what they want, the youngster will stop wanting it, but that has never happened in the history of parenting! Instead of trying to “reason” your youngster into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house – that is the rule." (Note: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that children will ask for something an average of nine times before the moms and dads cave. So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your youngster will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.)

4. By now, your youngster should be behaving so wonderfully that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats. Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling (e.g., snuggling on the couch, reading books, saying "I love you", popping a bowl of popcorn, watching the football game, etc.). And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your youngster has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails. Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most children would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. When all their other tactics fail, kids will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt moms and dads since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all my friends have one!" Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down, but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. You can say to your youngster, “That's interesting. Let's talk about it.” 

There may be a good reason for your youngster wanting what the other children have. It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about. Tell your youngster that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have. If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list, or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (e.g., perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.

6. There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." To wean your youngster off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone. Observe your youngster for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy. Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert. 

The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence (e.g., taking away TV or computer privileges) for her behavior, keeping in mind your youngster's age and tolerance level. And make sure your spouse is on board with the new plan (children are experts at playing one parent off the other). Then, sit down and explain the rules to your youngster: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your youngster to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules.

7. While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences. Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. 

When you finally get there, the joy is magnified. But if there is no wait …no period of dreaming about it …the thrill is often less intense. When children are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore. The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teens, they might start looking toward other things (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) for thrills. Teaching your kids to wait for fun helps them sustain focus and attention (two very important skills for success in school).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Are Your Raising A Spoiled Child?

Nobody wants to raise a spoiled youngster. But striking a balance between love and over-indulgence can be hard. There are no scientific facts about spoiled kids …no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of moms and dads who worry about over-indulging their children, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

My definition of a spoiled youngster is one with a sense of entitlement (e.g., "I deserve whatever I want – and I shouldn’t have to work for it”) who has a parent that is over-protective and all-giving (e.g., “Telling my child ‘no’ may damage our relationship”).

What does "over-protective" have to do with spoiled?

Well… over-protective moms and dads don't want their youngster to fail; therefore, they do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, these moms and dads are no longer doing their youngster a favor. The youngster becomes accustomed to having things done for him/her, and assumes that everyone will work for his/her success – and that's just not true!

How To Stop Spoiling Your Children—

1. "No" is not a bad word: In other words, you're not hurting your child by saying “no.” In many cases, you may be helping him. Your youngster does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no" – but he won't get over the effects of being spoiled.

2. Avoid comparisons: Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when moms and dads of your youngster's friends are saying “yes.” Stand firm by your decisions. Your son may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. I suggest telling your youngster to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your son has qualities and possessions that attract his friends, and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

3. Avoid materialism: If your parent-child relationship is based on material goods, your youngster won't have the chance to experience unconditional love.

4. Be a good role model: We're not the only influence in our children' lives, so we better be the best influence.

5. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting: Your job as a parent is not to make yourself feel good by giving the youngster everything that makes you feel good when you give it. Your job as a parent is to prepare your youngster to succeed in school and in life. Children have to be socialized in a way that they understand “you work hard for what you get.” You don't want to teach your youngster that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction.

6. Make sure your youngster understands the value of hard work: One mother always told her daughters, “If you make Cs, you're going to have a C standard of living. If you make Bs, you're going to have a B standard of living. If you make As, you're going to have an A standard of living.” Help your youngster set goals. Teach her that striving to own nice things is fine if she understands how much hard work it takes to afford that, and then doesn't base her self-worth around what she buys.

7. Make sure your kids aren't defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear or drive: Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth, their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc.

8. Money is not the problem: Money has nothing to do with spoiling a youngster. Even kids from low-income families can wind up spoiled. If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled. The youngster assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him. You have indulged this behavior in the past, and now the youngster expects it all the time. Kids are going to ask for things, and moms and dads are going to want to say “yes.” They simply enjoy giving things to - and doing things for - their children. It's like a high, an honor, a joy. But think about it this way: you don't need all the sugar you want ... so why does your youngster?

9. Prepare your youngster for reality: Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.

10. Redefine what taking care of your kids really means: Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.

11. Set limits and stick by them: It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but moms and dads must decide what they are willing to give their kids in terms of material goods and attention, and then stand by this decision. Once you take a stand, recognize that your youngster will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision! So if you do buy your youngster a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

12. Stand firm: Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your youngster. You must consistently tell your youngster when you think she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, begin setting limits and standing by them.

13. Teach charity: For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell him so. Go on to explain that he does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow him to choose a few favorite items, and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach him about giving to others while learning to value what he has.

14. Think of the future: Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything!!! They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things – just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not twelve.

15. Understand "intrinsic" versus "extrinsic" motivation: Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation (e.g., they will receive money, a toy or privilege if they do the task). If you are always rewarding your youngster with material things, he will never learn how to motivate himself with internal rewards like pride. He also will never learn to value things, because there are so many things - and nothing is special.

==> Discipline for Troubled Teens