Creating An Effective Behavioral Agreement With Your Teen

Having problems getting through to your defiant adolescent about needed behavior changes? A behavioral agreement may be the way to go. Behavioral agreements are contracts between parent and youngster intended to produce desired outcomes. It may be higher grades, doing more chores, developing a better attitude, or making new friends. Regardless, the process to create a behavioral agreement is the same.

All moms and dads have a wish list for their kids. College preparation may be on the list. Doing more work around the house, or at least keep their bedroom clean makes most lists. Improved attitudes and more respect for moms and dads and other adult authority figures can be big. Pick the changes and plan an agreement that will lead to what you want.

Points to consider before drafting a behavioral agreement:

1. You are unlikely to turn an extremely poor student into the class academic leader with one quick agreement. Pick your battles and put them in writing. Avoid making the agreement sound like an ultimatum if possible. This is a contract reached by something resembling mutual consent. If both of you do not agree on it, it will not work very well.

2. Reducing unwanted behavior should have a reward attached. Likewise, when positive behavior is observed, it needs to be rewarded, too. The trick here is to find out how much change is enough to receive a reward. If you make it too little change, you will see very little progress. If you make it too much change, your adolescent may lose the incentive to try. This can be a little trial and error until you find what works best for your youngster. Your adolescent will probably tell you if it is too hard. It is not likely to be said if it is too easy. Find a system of rewards that excite your adolescent enough to keep her working for it. The reward may be something that you have on your list of dislikes which is really not terrible in the big scheme of things (e.g., a body piercing).

3. Failing to come home on time needs to be part of an agreement if it is a problem. Playing too many video games for too long and too often may need to be considered. For most adolescents, you need to include sexual activity as something to be eliminated. You will have your own list of behaviors to eliminate.

4. Lack of quality communication is what leads to most situations between adolescents and their moms and dads. Use the development of this agreement to establish some lines of communication. Make sure that the changes are not to just make you happy, but are intended to cause long-term benefits for the adolescent.

5. Be flexible when opening the negotiations. Listen to your adolescent as much as you talk. Make sure that it is not just you lecturing your adolescent. Be willing to delay some of your wants to get your adolescent on board with the agreement. Once it is working and your youngster sees the upside, making a new and more extensive agreement will be much easier. Keep this one simple. A mutual agreement that will work is your goal.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Creating the behavioral agreement:

1. First, arrange a time to meet with all the grown-ups who are responsible for enforcing rules and disciplining your adolescent (e.g., biological parent who lives outside the home, stepparent).

2. Discuss the problems that you are having with your adolescent. Allow everyone involved to offer input as different issues may arise with different caregivers. Behaviors that may be addressed include:

• treatment of parents
• school performance
• dating
• curfew
• car use
• cell phone use
• alcohol and drug abuse

3.  Note ideas on paper as you brainstorm together. Finalize a list of pertinent matters and number the matters in order of importance (e.g., potentially dangerous issues like drug and alcohol use require more urgent attention than the amount of time your adolescent spends on her cell phone).

4. Narrow the list down to no more than 5 behaviors that you want the adolescent to focus on improving. Include these behaviors in the initial agreement and add others at a later date as he progresses.

5. Write a sentence for each behavior that states how your adolescent is expected to behave in a given situation. Format the sentence in first person perspective from your adolescent’s point of view. Utilize positive words and phrases.

6. Decide on a positive consequence that will result when your adolescent fulfills the expectation (e.g., a special privilege). You may also choose to simply list the natural consequences of good behavior (e.g., trust, respect, more freedom).

7. Determine what the consequence will be if your adolescent fails to behave in the desired manner. Consider consequences that are effective with your youngster and appropriate to the behavior, as well as your ability to enforce the chosen discipline.

8. List both the positive and negative consequences underneath each expectation. Establish the period of time for which the agreement will be valid and note the date at the bottom.

9. Create a chart with each expectation listed on the side and the days of the week across the top. Track your adolescent’s behavior throughout the length of the agreement by filling in the chart accordingly.

10. Meet with all the parties who are involved in the agreement. Review the terms of the agreement and clarify any questions that are presented. Allow your adolescent an opportunity to offer constructive feedback.

11. Include revisions as required to the agreement. Have everyone sign and date the final draft. Make a copy of it for each party.

12. Use the behavior chart to monitor your adolescent’s behavior on a daily basis. Enforce the terms of the agreement consistently to achieve positive results.

13. Revise the behavioral contract accordingly upon its expiration date. New expectations can be added as your adolescent displays a consistent ability to make positive choices in situations addressed within the original agreement.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parent's Reverse Psychology: The Power of Choice

As moms and dads, we want to know that we’re in control. But our children tend to beg, plead, and whine about the options we make for them. So, give your children options (without really letting them choose). This is a great way to let children have an option without giving up all the parental control.

But you don’t have to make it an option between something they want and something you want for them, like candy or an orange. Choose the orange for them, but they get to choose how they’re going to eat it… in slices or with cottage cheese.

Empowering your children with options gives them more independence. It teaches them the relationship between their decisions and outcomes. And with more practice, their decision making skills will grow into a valuable lifelong lesson. Giving children options encourages cooperation, which is what we are trying to get in the first place. Giving children options helps prevent power struggles.

The ability to choose is a natural human need. Quench their thirst for control and watch the power struggles fade. The ability to create options is what gives your kids a sense of purpose. They are no longer helpless babies. They are functioning human beings that are fully capable of creating their own options.

Offering your kids options is an excellent strategy to have in your parenting "tool kit." If you make an effort to be genuine with the options you offer, you will communicate respect for your kids at the same time, which will result in greater collaboration and overall peace. 

Here are some strategies to apply when providing options for your kids:

1. Don’t forget to add the words ‘you choose’: “Would you like to play a video game, or color while I cook? You choose.” This will make it next to impossible for the power hungry child to pass up.

2. Give specific options that you are comfortable with. If you don’t feel like cooking lasagna for dinner, don’t offer the option.

3. If kids don’t like the option they made, acknowledge their disappointment and remind them that they can choose another option next time.

4. If your child tends to change his/her mind, confirm the option and your expectation that he/she sticks with it. For example say, "Okay, you chose corn flakes, right? Once I pour the milk on it, I expect you to eat it."

5. If you say, "Do you want juice or milk" and your youngster responds, "I want both," you can reply, "Which one first?"

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. If your youngster is reluctant to suggest some options, you can say, "You can decide or I’ll decide for you, but you might not like what I decide."

7. Limit options to two or three. Giving your child the option between 5 different shirts is going to do more harm than good.

8. Make sure the options are age appropriate. Four-year-olds are great at picking out their own pajamas, but don’t expect them to choose the color of your new car.

9. Make the options respectful to both you and your youngster. If you say, "Either quit throwing the ball in the house or I’ll take it away," you are making a threat and not offering a respectful, fair option. An effective, mutually respectful option would be, "You can either play with the ball outside or with another toy inside. You choose." Here, you can address safety concerns and respect the youngster’s need or desire to play.

10. Offer options that you can live with. For example, you might ask, "Do you want peas or carrots for dinner?" This narrows down the options and gives your youngster some say in the matter.

11. Offer options as often as possible. Much of your youngster's day includes following directions. As moms and dads, we tell our children when to be ready, where to go, and how to behave. At school, their entire day is scheduled around following "orders." So as often as is appropriate, give your youngster options. This might be something as simple as "Do you want to wear the long sleeve shirt or the short sleeve one?"

12. State your bottom line (the minimum standards that must occur or what is non-negotiable). Then you or your husband or wife can offer options within those limits. Your limits will usually relate to safety, health, rules, rights and things like that. Those are issues that the both of you can and need to control.

13. Don’t be overly rigid about forcing kids to pick one of your options. Any option that meets your bottom line is okay, because your goal is to reach a win/win solution.

14. Talk about options in advance. This gives your youngster a chance to think about the options and make an informed decision. For example, you might be planning a special family outing for your kids. If it really makes no difference to you which place you go (e.g., park, beach, museum, etc.), then give them the option to choose. This increases their sense of inclusion in the process and will likely help them participate more enthusiastically when the day comes.

15. Give your youngster time to make a positive decision. Learning how to make the right decision takes time, and sometimes your children just need a little space to come to the decision "on their own."

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When You Don’t Like Your Teenager’s Friends

Parenting an adolescent can be tough, especially when he or she starts bringing new friends home. With all the different friends your youngster is bound to make, it’s very likely you’re going to dislike at least one of them. Here’s what to do to keep this issue from becoming a big problem:

1. As long as your youngster isn’t getting into trouble with his friend, and your dislike is not based on anything concrete, let your youngster make his own choices about which friends he is going to hang-out with. Keep a close eye, but believe in your kid to make good decisions.

2. Ask yourself if what you don’t like about the friend really matters. Is it the way he dresses? Is it a lack of good manners? Is your youngster getting into trouble with this friend? Once you identify this, you will have a better idea of how to proceed.

3. Be a fly on the wall when the friend is over.  One of the best ways to listen to conversations your teen and her friends are having is to make snacks and walk in and out of the area replenishing the snacks and drinks without saying anything that would call attention to yourself.

4. Don’t turn everything into a life lesson. If you do this every time your adolescent tells you a story, soon he won’t tell you anything. Laugh with him. If you can’t do that, laugh at him. If something he says causes minor concern, wait and bring it up later under a different context.

5. Don't attack your youngster's friends. Nothing will start an argument faster than suggesting that her friends are not good enough. She really needs her friends at this stage in her life. Criticizing the friends is seen by adolescents as being the same as criticizing them.

6. Every time your youngster gets into trouble, it can’t be the fault of the other youngster 100% of the time. Remember that your youngster is not perfect. There may be times when he is the bad influence.

7. Few things drive an adolescent closer to her “problem friends” than a parent’s snap judgment. You may tell your adolescent you just don’t like her friends when you don’t really know them, and this can make her very angry, possibly driving her closer to the friend in order to try to prove you wrong. In many cases, if you try to tell your youngster who not to be friends with, you can bet you have just picked her new best friend, even if that friendship happens entirely behind your back. Adolescents have a tendency to dig in their heels when they're given an ultimatum, either out of loyalty to the friend or resentment at being told what to do.

8. If the friendship shows signs of falling apart, don’t point out how you were right all along. Your teen certainly doesn’t want to hear “I told you so” anymore than we as grown-ups want to hear that when we make mistakes.

9. If you decide that you do need to get involved in your child’s friendships, sit her down and give her clear concrete reasons. Focus on the impact the friendship is having on your adolescent, rather than spouting off a list of things you dislike about the other kid. Are her grades slipping? Has she given up other friendships? Have you caught her lying? Has she gotten into serious trouble? Discuss these concerns with a serious tone.

10. If you notice that your youngster is suddenly cussing or missing curfew since he started hanging out with a particular friend, focus on dealing with his behavior rather than disrespecting the friend. If you're consistent about disciplining your teen for any rules he and his friend break while the friend is visiting, he may get sick of being in trouble every time his friend comes over and eventually ditch him.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. If your teenager meets a friend you like, encourage that relationship. Offer to take them to the movies or some other outing. Talk about how great it was and how it worked out so well for everybody (without exaggerating).

12. If you're discouraging a particular friendship, make it easier for your youngster to start a new one. Fill his calendar with activities he enjoys. It will give him a chance to meet new friends outside of school and the neighborhood.

13.  Instead of telling your adolescent everything you don’t like about his friends, make a point of talking to him about what friends should be. Take some time to teach your adolescent what traits to look for in a friend.  Be subtle though. Adolescents know when you are trying to drop hints and come at something from another angle.

14. Make sure your youngster knows your family rules and values. For example, "You can only go to parties if a parent is there to supervise." Be as clear and consistent as you can about what's acceptable and what's not.

15. Make your home somewhere teens want to hang out. The teens who are the real troublemakers don’t want to hang out anywhere near moms or dads. So they will tend to go away and find other peers who are equally less supervised.

16. Many moms and dads feel they need to manage their teenager’s choice of friends out of a sense that they're losing control, but that's not doing your children any favors in the long run. You want your kids to be able to make decisions on their own. 

17. Moms and dads often don't like their kid's friends without realizing that children choose friends for specific reasons. Ask yourself, “Why is my youngster attracted to this particular kid?" Is she lonely? Did her group just dump her? Is this person exciting to be around? Learn how to ask the right questions in a curious, nonjudgmental way. For example, "Help me understand what it is about Craig that you're drawn to."

18. Sometimes, children just "try on" friends for a while to see who fits, then move on. In some cases, they may choose friends with traits they feel they lack and admire. In other cases, they may choose friends with similar traits (e.g., teens with low self-esteem can be attracted to other teens with low self-esteem).

19. Take time to get to know your adolescent’s friends. Then, if you really do disapprove of them for legitimate reasons, you have a leg to stand on. Think about opening your home to them or driving them to outings. Your initial “accepting attitude” will probably go a long way in establishing your credibility if you have issues with your adolescent’s friends later.

20. The best judge of character is often other teens. Listen to what your child’s other friends have to say about the kid you don’t like.

21. With respect to romantic relationships, don't let your dislike of your teenage daughter’s boyfriend hinder your relationship with her. Make sure she knows you're always there for her, regardless of whom she's dating. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Rude Teens and Backtalk: 25 Tips for Parents

Backtalk can be one of the most frustrating behaviors for moms and dads. It's hard to keep cool and clear-headed when teens are being disrespectful. The angrier we become, the more backtalk our teens dish out. Don't despair. Taming backtalk takes practice, but if you stay calm and consistent, you can get a hold of this troublesome behavior. 

You can control this vicious cycle if you follow some of the tips below:

1. Avoid the word "if" (as in "If you do that again, I'm going to..."). It makes you sound weak instead of decisive, and your teenager will pick up on that. Moms and dads tend to over-talk. Taking action is much more effective.

2. Back off. If your adolescent is irate, any attempts to restrict or discipline her will only be counterproductive. Give her some time to cool off. If the situation calls for a consequence, it can be dealt later, but too often moms and dads make threats that are too harsh in the heat of the moment.

3. Backtalk sometimes comes from adolescents trying to learn how to assert their independence and test limits, so help them make good choices within the boundaries that you set. As much as possible, help them to be responsible for their own behavior, even if it means that they have to deal with the negative consequences (this can often be the best learning experience).

4. Be willing to have conversations (not arguments) about adjusting the rules and consequences every few months as your teenager gets older and can take on more responsibility. However, make it clear that your adolescent must be able to present her position to you without being rude (an excellent life skill to instill). In addition, all parties involved need to understand that just because the adolescent may present a good argument in a polite manner, it doesn't mean that you're required to change your position. Be willing to listen with an open mind and be up for a discussion, but in the end, you are the mother or father with the life experience to make good decisions, as well as the adult responsible for your teenager’s safety and well-being.

5. Beware small things that may start long arguments. A little disagreement over whether or not you were fair in grounding him two weeks ago may spiral into a fight over how fair you are regularly.

6. Calm down. If the teenager talks back in a very disrespectful way, leave the room and the conversation. If the teenager trails behind, let him know that backtalk will not be tolerated, and ignore the teenager. After calming down, then decide on the punishment for the offense. Do not lecture or give long-winded speeches, as your adolescent will simply tune out, which will in turn make you more likely to get worked up.

7. Do not negotiate with your teenager, back down, or let her draw your into an argument about the consequence that you are enforcing. Consequences are consequences and shouldn't be up for discussion or argument. If your teenager feels like she can argue or negotiate a consequence, she'll be more likely to continue an undesired behavior and moreover, more likely to argue even more the next time around.

8. Do not talk about several issues at a time. Concentrate only on one thing, and try to sort it out rationally.

9. Encourage your teen to express herself in the future. Most teens hold their frustration in too long, and then do something drastic when it's too much.

10. Give your teenager the same respect that you would like, and try to refrain from name-calling or labeling with such words as, “spoiled brat.” Instead, keep the focus on the behavior that you would like to change.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Ignore any backtalk associated with the consequence. Don't get drawn into explaining or justifying your position. Also, don't punish your teenager again if he gives you backtalk when you enforce the consequence. Treat it as one incident.

12. Ignore mumblings. Sometimes teens complain. It's their way of saying they'll do it, but only because they have to, not because they want to. This is fine. A response isn't necessary, or even expected by the teenager.

13. Make sure that the rules of the house are very clear and specific. You may need to say to your teenager (at a time when you are both calm), “We have been fighting a lot lately, so we need to sit down and clarify what my/our expectations for your behavior are, and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules.”

14. Offer the teenager choices. Teens are less likely to argue if they feel they have a choice. Even if neither option is really attractive to them, they feel more empowered to be able to choose. So, give them choices whenever you can, but make it clear when no choice exists and you are not willing to negotiate, especially when it comes to matters of your teenager’s safety.

15. One common refrain from adolescents is, “You don’t understand!” Do not further frustrate your teenager by saying, “Yes, I do!” or “I went through exactly what you are going through now.” We all like to think of experiences as unique. Instead of asserting a "been there, done that" stance, help your teenager practice communicating without being rude by responding, “I may not understand, but I do want to try to understand what you are feeling. Can we talk about it later when we’re both calmer, or you can you write it down and send me an e mail, if you like?”

16. Realize that your teen is going through a difficult time. Teenagers have many stresses. Your child is maturing into an adult and is dealing with pressures from school, homework, friends, popularity, dating, after-school activities, individuality, hormones, etc. It's a heavy load for her to carry.

17. Remember that your teenager really does love you. She argues when she is angry and makes statements she doesn't mean because she is just learning to express herself and doesn't see many other ways, especially if she feels she is not being effective talking calmly.

18. Set up a certain time of day in which the teen can talk back to you. You can say to her, “From 6:00 to 6:15 p.m., you can ask me to re-explain all my decisions. Save it for then. If you need to, write it down in a note to yourself. Then at 6:00, we’ll sit down and I’ll explain to you why you can’t __________ (insert something they wanted to do, but you said ‘no’) or how come you got grounded for __________ (insert misbehavior). But at 6:15, our discussion is done. If you try to keep it going, there will be consequences.” In this way, if you feel like you want to give your teenager an outlet to vent her complaints, there’s a way to do it without getting sucked-in to perpetual arguing.

19. Tell the teenager what you need to tell him, and then leave. This will help the teenager appreciate that the mother or father has the last word.

20. Think about how you speak to your teenager and to others around you. How often are you sarcastic or rude? Is your teenager picking up on your tone and the way you treat others? Try to adjust your own behavior and remember that whether she knows it or not, you are your teenager's greatest influence in terms of nurturing the right kinds of behavior in her. Consider telling your teenager that you have noticed that you can be rude to others sometimes, and that you're going to try to modify your own behavior. Sometimes, moms and dads admitting that they too can make mistakes or have things that they need to work on, makes all the difference in terms of communication. Your teenager will feel less like she's under attack and more open to making adjustments of her own.

21. Treat first offenses like teaching opportunities. Firmly inform the teenager that the behavior is unacceptable. Then continue the discussion, never revisiting the issue that started the backtalk in the first place.

22. Try to break a pattern of interaction in which your teenager is constantly rude to you – and you in turn respond with frustration and/or punishment. Tell your teenager that you don't like the way your relationship has been lately, and that you would like to do something pleasant together. Let your teenager choose something that the two of you can do together, and make a pact that neither of you will be rude or critical. If one of you breaks the pact, end the activity, and try again another day. 

23. Use "I" statements to let your teenager know how his backtalk makes you feel. You might say, "When you speak in a disrespectful tone, I feel hurt and frustrated. "I" statements help us to stay calm and communicate clearly.  In addition, we are modeling positive communication skills to our teens. Many times, if we stay calm and let our teens know how we feel, they will calm down too. Backtalk is angry, impulsive behavior. When we calm down and give our teens a chance to think about what they have said, they will often feel truly remorseful.

24. When your teenager uses rude words to label you or someone else, ask her to be specific. Say, “When you call me _____, it is not only rude and will not be tolerated, but it also does not help me understand what you want. Tell me what you are upset about or what you would like to happen.”

25. Your teen learns that her parents can lose control and that by pushing the right buttons, she can get you to lose control. Understand that once you've started using yelling as a behavioral management tool, you’ve told your teen everything she needs to know about pushing your buttons.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Parental Guilt: Tips for Parents with Defiant Teens

Guilt is a reality for those of us who are raising defiant teens. Balancing the tasks of raising kids, caring for our home, nurturing our relationship with our spouse, and earning money to pay the bills is just plain hard work.

To make matters even more difficult, our child is now a teenager who may be acting out (e.g., being disrespectful, verbally abusive, failing academically, violating curfew, etc.). Something has to give!

There’s just no way to do it all perfectly all the time – and so we don’t. We don’t fall short out of choice though, so we feel guilty. We are disappointed that our teenage son or daughter didn’t turn out the way we thought he or she would? We wonder how this child is going to function as an adult out in the “real world.” We feel like we should have been a better parent? And we have come to terms with the fact that our child is not the person we once knew. So what is a parent to do in light of all these circumstances?

Feeling guilty is a habit that will take time to break. If our guilt is excessive or debilitating, we may be reacting to memories of our own childhood, which may or may not have anything to do with what our teenagers need now.

Many of us feel that we are less than perfect in our parenting. The problem here is that we think that something is perfect. What would that be though? There is much written on what “model parenting” is, but there are many circumstances where this "model" does not make a difference, or is complicated by other “less than model” factors.

No mother or father remains calm and collected ALL the time. And no child ALWAYS behaves as a perfect little being. Thus, we need to accept that we are “less-than-perfect” parents. We must cut ourselves a little slack and demand less from ourselves – and our teens.

Recognizing what we “could have done” is not necessarily what was possible. When we think about what was possible (spending more time with our kids, not having worked so much, not going through with a divorce) we often forget that, at that time, there were other things going on that made that impossible. When recalling what was possible, our recall is usually faulty. For example, we have forgotten how intolerable it was to live with our spouse prior to that divorce, or how difficult it was to find a job that did not require moving to a new school district (which in turn angered our children).

When all demands of our child are met, he or she loses the importance of things and begins to take it as a matter of right. Who in this world gets all their demands met? Thus, we should help our son or daughter to develop frustration-tolerance and develop a “learn to earn” approach.

While being consumed with guilt, we forget an essential fact: we are not “all knowing.” Sure, we are probably better informed regarding “good parenting practices” than our grandparents where (perhaps). But, that doesn't mean we blame ourselves for not knowing everything.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents