My Teenager Hates Me

“My teenage son is so hateful. No matter how hard I try, all we do is argue. He is 17 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really believe he hates me. Nothing I do is right. No matter how nice I am, he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I ‘bitch’ too much, so I tried to stop that …still he is disrespectful. He won't come out of his bedroom. In order to see him, I have to go to him. But when I do that, he gets angry because I am 'in his business'. I am the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad (we are divorced), girlfriend, and teachers – everyone but me. I have even considered leaving myself just to make him happy. Any ideas?!"

First of all, I believe you are trying too hard to save the relationship. Less is better! Also, know that you are definitely not alone in this predicament. To raise an adolescent, parents need to understand (a) what changes are going on in the child’s body and mind and (b) the importance of communicating the way teens do with one another – not the way adults do.

Being a single mother of an adolescent can be extremely challenging. You may have to deal with a stubborn, argumentative individual on a daily basis. You may find yourself asking questions like: “What did I do wrong?” … “Where did my sweet little boy go?” … “Where does all this hostility come from?” And as a divorced parent, you may even blame yourself for your child’s emotional problems.

So what on God’s green Earth can a parent do in this situation? Here are some thoughts to ponder:

1. All adolescents are in the process of transforming from kids who followed the parent’s lead and had everything done for them, to young adults ready to take on life. Your child is literally trying to separate from you. Don’t take it personally (although blatant disrespect does need a consequence).

2. All adolescents are working on creating their own personality with their individual opinions, ideas and experiences. They are in the process of taking baby-steps towards living an independent life. And sometimes this “healthy” transition comes out as disrespect.

3. Don’t ask a lot of questions to get a conversation started. Instead, take the time to listen to your adolescents and understand what they are going through (assuming they will talk at some point). It may be when they come in from school, or when you are dropping them off at soccer practice. Your mantra should be: “I’m all ears and little mouth.”

4.  During adolescence, moms and dads will find that they need to adjust their parenting style from one of “total authority” to a “supportive, coaching style.”

5. Family mealtimes are important opportunities for parent and child to communicate. Allow your adolescents to discuss important issues (when they are ready – not when you are prompting them), and really listen to their viewpoints.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. If your adolescents don’t talk to you, or avoid coming to you with problems they are experiencing, you will need to start building a bridge that will connect you to them. You can start by asking short, simple “yes or no” questions (i.e., questions in which the teen does not have to elaborate, but can answer in one word – ‘yes’ or ‘no’). In this way, your questions are broken down into small segments. Teens are likely to communicate (albeit in one word responses) if they don’t have to reveal too much information. Full length questions like, “You seem to be angry about something. What’s going on?”…will likely be meet with, “Nothing, leave me alone.” So, start with the little questions first.

7. Know that a teenager shows his or her ugliest side (i.e., bad behavior) to the parent he or she feels the most comfortable with. For example, if the teenage son or daughter is “mean/rude” to the mother – but comparatively respectful to the father, this is due to the fact that the teen is not as comfortable being himself or herself in front of the father.

8. Know that answering back and always having the last word is just typical teen behavior. Adolescents are not very articulate, and what may appear to be “back-talk” may actually be their attempt to discuss an important issue. When you know you have adequately discussed the issue, and that your adolescents had a chance to state their side of the story, then ignore their need to have the last word (or simply state that your done talking about it).

9. Look for nonverbal cues to your adolescent's feelings (e.g., eye contact, posture, energy levels, etc.). In this way, you may be able to ascertain whether your child is in a good or bad mood. Knowing your child’s current mood-state can go a long way in avoiding conflict up front.

10. Patience and persistence will get your adolescent to talk with you, but you will have to apply a lot of self-control when building a successful relationship with him or her. In most cases, the older the child is (e.g., age 19 or 20), the better the relationship is between parent and child.

11. Power struggles are very common in the teenage years. Adolescents get angry because they feel their mom and dad don't respect them, and mom and dad get angry because they aren't used to not being in control.

12. Remember that every adolescent is a unique person. So, avoid comparing him or her to the “better-behaved” sibling.

13. Understand that having a friendly relationship with your adolescent does not make you his or her “pal.” When it comes down to it, mom and dad still make the final decisions – pals don't.

14. Understand that in their teenage years, most adolescents begin to reject a lot of things that relate to their childhood. They no longer want mom or dad to do or decide things for them. They stop following advice from grown-ups, because in their minds that would be the same as still being a little kid. The real dilemma is that they don't know how to act in order to be treated like the independent near-adult they want to be.

15. When problems arise that warrant discussion, don’t lecture. State the facts, listen to your teenager’s opinion, and talk about your concerns for his or her welfare.

16. When you are going through the daily drama of parenting your teenage son or daughter, it may be hard to separate what appears to be “argumentative” from “giving an opinion.” In many cases, your adolescents don’t intend to argue with you. Instead, they are learning conversational skills to communicate in the adult world – but unfortunately, they often express themselves in a very self-conscious and ill-mannered way. Their lack of communication skills can easily be perceived as disrespect by moms and dads who then get defensive. Most adolescents have not learned that it is o.k. to simply ask a question without having an opinion about it.

Living with adolescents is often exasperating and agonizing – but more often than not, they are entertaining and creative, keeping parents on their toes and providing them with an insight into everything from digital devices to modern culture.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Teens Play Divorced Parents Against Each Other

Rules often vary greatly from one household to another. Even though differences are to be expected, concerned moms and dads will agree that the safety of their son or daughter is of the utmost importance. Teenagers can’t be allowed to run the streets and do as they please without regard to rules and expectations, but unfortunately not all parents set boundaries.

Some parents are guilty of allowing their teen to do as he or she pleases as long as the child stays out of their hair and out of trouble. Other parents maintain control and know where their teenager is at all times.

Unfortunately, when one parent does not know how to say ‘no’, the parent trying to control the situation ends up being the “bad guy.” When divorced parents don’t agree, maintaining control can be a big problem, especially when the teen is visiting (or living with) the more lenient parent. When one parent says ‘no’, the average teenager will attempt to gain permission from the other parent. This is when the teen makes an attempt at playing one parent against the other. After the other parent says ‘yes’, the teen ignores the demands of the parent that initially said ‘no’, and this creates a lot of tension between all parties.

So what can be done? Here are some tips:

1. A united front is nice, but sometimes you will simply need to lay everything on the table and tell your teenager the truth. For example, “Your father and I disagree on this. But since this home is considered to be your primary residence, you will either choose to abide by my decision, or choose the consequence – you decide.”

2. Arguing between parents is an inevitable reality, but if a teen witnesses his mom and dad fighting, he will know they are divided, thus making it more likely that he will be able to manipulate the situation. When parents are in disagreement about one matter, it is easier for them to disagree on another. Also, when parents are in the middle of an argument, it’s more challenging to think rationally and make the best decisions for the teenager. Parents are also more likely to disagree with each other about decisions when they are in the middle of an argument. Thus, decisions shouldn't be made until everyone is calm.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Be willing to compromise. Creative compromises can be called for not only between parents, but with your teenager. But beware of sacrificing your values for the sake of a united front. If one parent always controls decisions and the other always backs down, it might signal something troubling in the relationship. In this case, you may want to consider short-term family counseling.

4. Both parents should memorize the following phrase: "I don't know if you can. Your [mom/dad] and I will have to talk about it first." Those two little sentences will buy you some time to consult with the other half. If your teen resists when you try to buy time, then say, “If you need an answer right now, then the answer is ‘no’.”

5. Discuss and decide in advance how to handle common or predictable situations.

6. Don't be afraid to differ with the other parent. Being united in front of teens is nice, but two heads really are better than one in most parenting issues. Even so, try to discuss your differences calmly when your son or daughter is not present.

7. If you find yourself in a power struggle with the other parent, remind yourself that a weaker parenting plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

8. Get on the same page with the other parent as much as possible. Both parents need to talk things over and agree on most things (but not everything). They may have to compromise and meet in the middle occasionally. Before handing out any consequences or making any decisions, parents should try to sit down together to be sure they are on the same page. When teens see unison, they are less likely to try to play one parent against each other.

9. If your teenager says, “But dad said” …You say, “I said ‘no’. You know the rules, and you broke them. No TV for a week. Next time, don't ask your father after you’ve already asked me and I’ve given you my answer.” As far as your husband goes, the same thing applies to him. “No. You daughter asked me. She knows the rules. She didn't like the answer I gave her. She has to understand it by our teaching. The consequence is no TV for a week.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Know what is - and isn't - acceptable to you and why. Let your teen know that you and the other half will - and do - disagree about some things. This is more realistic and easier on a teenager than witnessing mom and dad fighting.

11. If it’s agreed upon by both parties, call the other parent several times throughout the week to keep him or her up-to-date on the big (and small) things that are going on in your teen’s life.

12. Never think of a teen's permission-seeking question as requiring a "yes" or "no" answer. What it really requires is parental information-seeking. Answer the question by asking plenty of questions of your own. For example, "What will happen at this party? What time is it over? Who will drive you and pick you up? Will you be leaving and going elsewhere at any time during the party? Is your friend Sara going? What does her mother say? Who is chaperoning the party?" …and so on.

13. "Yes" or "No" can come with a compromise. For example, "Yes, you can go to the party, but I will pick you up at 10 PM, not midnight." Alternatively, you can say, "No, you can't go to this party, but I'll be happy to be a chaperone at the next one so you can go."

14. Parents should try to think with their minds rather than their emotions. For example, if mom allows herself to become upset when her teenager is angry with her, she is more likely to become more lenient to try to please her child. This may mean that mom veers away from what she agreed on with the dad, which may lead to him becoming upset. It may also mean that mom doesn't act in her child’s best interest because she is seeking favor from the child rather than trying to do the best thing for him or her.

15. To stem further manipulation, one parent can say, "We really don't like it that you ask both of us separately without telling us." And the other parent can add, "The next time you do that, and any time after that, the answer will be no."

16. Trust the other parent. You both love your teenager. Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt that he/she wants to act in your child’s best interest.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

17. Try to hold a family meeting. Whether the meeting is in a therapist's office or in the home, divorced parents should make their expectations clear in the presence of their son or daughter. To stop teens from playing divorced parents against each other, they must realize that when mom or dad says ‘no’, they can’t petition the other parent in an attempt to receive the answer they are seeking. Once a teen realizes that her mom and dad aren’t going to go against each other's wishes, and once she fully understands that her parents aren’t going to change their minds, she will eventually stop (or reduce) her attempts at playing one against the other.

18. When an important decision needs to be made, try to talk about the possibilities with the other parent. This means your adolescent may have to wait several hours to get an answer – and that is perfectly fine (of course, one parent can make a decision when it is something simple that has been discussed in the past).

19. Whenever you both decide to say "no," and your teenager replies, "I hate you," …it's OK. She's just being an adolescent.

20. Whenever you have to make an “executive decision” (i.e., a critical decision that simply can’t wait to be made), let the other parent know about it as soon as possible.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Unreliable Teens: Tips for Parents

Most moms and dads lament the fact that their adolescents are unreliable. For example, their room is always a mess, they don’t do their homework, they don’t respond – or even acknowledge – their parent when he or she talks to them, etc. 

 

But then, those same teens are driving their own cars (that the parent paid for), talking on cell phones (in which the parent pays the monthly bill), and enjoying non-stop social activities (with few limits). All provided by the “free hand-outs” parent.

Reliability is not a lesson that can be learned from nagging or long lectures. You can’t tell a teenager to be reliable, and then assume your job as a mother or father is done. Reliability is a growing and learning process. 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

So, how does a parent help her adolescent to be more reliable and responsible? The same way we as grown-ups learn to be reliable. We know that if we don’t pay our gas bill, we don’t get to have heat or hot water. We know that if we don’t renew our license plate, we get a ticket. 

 

We know that if we don’t earn enough money to pay for dining out, we have to eat left-overs at home. We learn this because we are aware of the “consequences.” And, therein lies the issue. It’s the consequence part that these adolescents don’t experience (which, by the way, is not their fault).

If the gas company would only lecture me for not paying my bill, I would never pay it. But they turn off my gas, and suddenly I’m inspired to resolve the issue …I’m ready to be reliable when it comes to paying the gas bill on time. The same goes for all the other obligations I have. I’m not necessarily any more inherently “reliable” than my adolescent neighbors, but I do understand the consequences of being unreliable. Sometimes I learned the “hard way,” and sometimes I was smart enough to “get it right” the first time.

Adolescents can learn reliability from their parents – but they usually learn by watching, not by listening. Parents can teach their adolescent to be reliable and obey the house rules by setting – and sticking to – consequences. If you buy her a car, make her pay half the insurance. If you buy her a cell phone, she pays half the bill. 

 

Make her earn spending money by doing chores if she doesn’t have a part-time job (YET!). Require that her room meet your standards before she goes to the movies with her friends. Insist on decent grades, and stick to the consequences for poor academic performance. You get the picture!

Unfortunately, too many moms and dads are held hostage by their teenager. They tolerate back-talk, swearing, poor grades, a bad attitude …and more. These same moms and dads are often the ones paying double car payments and insurance premiums, and charging trendy clothes for their teens on maxed-out credit cards.

This article should be your wake-up call. If you don’t change your parenting style from over-indulgent to assertive, you will see the results of what happens when adolescents are raised without being held accountable. 

 

I see the consequences of over-indulgent parenting on a daily basis …teens driving under the influence of alcohol, becoming addicted to drugs, entering and exiting rehab, getting arrested and involved with the juvenile courts, child-neglect from young parents who never had to suffer the consequences of their poor choices …and on …and on …and on. Don’t make the “over-indulgent parenting-mistake.” You’ll live to regret it!!!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

COMMENTS:

Thank you for this article!  I actually managed to have my wake up call last week.  Had had enough of my son's disrespect, swearing, bad attitude, etc. so decided to stop paying for his cell phone.  He refused visitation with me last weekend and instead chose to stay with his dad, so his dad can pay for his cell from now on.  I have paid for it for three years now, since his father and I got divorced.

Signed,
No longer a doormat.
__________

Dear Mark,

I tried your help too late. My 19 years old prodigal, left the house a month ago and like he did for the last three years, even when living with me, he does not call me at all. I do not know where he is or what is going on with him.  I adopted him and did everything I could by myself, as a single mom to him and his sister.   Now,  it hurts so much but there is nothing else I can do but to wait that he matures and gets shaken with the realities of life.
__________

Dearest Mark, YOU are a god-send. TKU so very much for every piece of advice you send us parents. We NEED all the help, wisdom and experience we can get from you. Bless you and your loved ones.

When Your Teen Wants to Quit School

Scenario: The holidays are soon to be over, and the second half of another school year will begin, but your teenager announces that he doesn’t want to return to school …he’s sick of it, hates it, and wants to drop out. What do you do now?!

Most moms and dads would be panic-stricken if their youngster declared that she intended to drop out of high school. In today’s job market, not having a college degree can be a roadblock to many careers. Lacking a high-school diploma closes-off even more avenues. Overall, teenagers seem to understand the financial consequences of leaving school prematurely. 

The law mandates that kids must attend school until age 16. After that, neither the parent nor the school have any legal recourse to prevent them from dropping out. Some youngsters drop out to get married or because they’ve had a baby. Others are eager to get a head start on earning a regular paycheck. However, the vast majority are relieved to cut short their high-school years, which they often spent adrift, bored and socially isolated. For them, exiting the school doors may very well be the first step toward finding their direction in life.

If the truth be known, not everyone is academically-minded or meant to work at a so-called white-collar job. Other opportunities are available. “Drop outs” can learn a trade or cultivate a talent in the arts, athletics or some other endeavor, and go on to become as successful and fulfilled as their friends with diplomas.

Parents at this crossroads must assess their adolescent's strengths and weaknesses honestly. If the proper educational program or extra assistance were provided, could she raise her school performance to an acceptable level? Or would pressuring her to stay in school merely prolong a futile, and possibly damaging, situation?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips for parents of teenagers who want to quit school:

1. Be supportive— but don’t support her financially! If she lives at home, insist that she pay for room and board as well as cover her car insurance and other personal expenses. This is important, even though the average high-school dropout earns just $270 a week. When moms and dads let an adult child live at home rent-free, they’re feeding the adolescent’s fantasy that she is independent and self-supporting. They’re also smothering any incentive for moving up, not to mention moving out. Mothers and fathers need to impose a reality check. The realization that her paycheck barely stretches far enough to cover necessities (never mind having money left over for recreation and luxuries) may be the impetus that motivates the teen to become one of the 750,000 or so grown-ups who earn a GED each year.

2. Discuss the ramifications of your adolescent’s actions. Instill in him that high school dropouts typically make 50% less than their peers who graduate and move onto college. Sometimes adolescents are very quick in their decision-making process and do not stop to think how it may affect their future. So, point out the widening gulf between the earnings of high school dropouts versus high-school graduates, and between high-school graduates and college graduates. According to the U.S. Department of Commerce, the median annual income of males who quit high school was just $13,961 in 1993. High-school graduates earned $20,870; males with some college under their belts, $23,435; and college grads, $32,708. Among females, the gap between median salaries for high school dropouts and college grads was even wider: $7,674 and $26,043, respectively. Females who only graduated high school earn salaries 5 percent lower than those who graduated from college.

3. Discuss the situation rationally – not emotionally. Does she want to drop out because she doesn’t feel as if she is succeeding, or is it something more serious (e.g., a bully)? Adolescents are NOT known for being rational in their thinking; rather, they are very impulsive and make spur-of-the-moment decisions.

4. Discuss your adolescent’s situation with a counselor at the high school to determine what options are available as possible alternatives to full-time school, as well as to understand any possible legal consequences for dropping out.  Also, work with school staff to improve your youngster’s school experience. Perhaps your youngster would be interested in a work-study program, which allows him to gain practical experience in a field that appeals to him while continuing with school. For example, the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA), located in Maryland, hires local high-school seniors to work 16 to 25 hours per week. The young people receive salaries, as well as sick leave and an option to participate in the NSA’s health and life insurance programs. Private companies, too, arrange similar programs with high schools. A member of the guidance-counseling staff should be able to route you to the individual in charge of coordinating work experience programs.

5. If you choose to let your adolescent drop out of school, help her formulate a plan for success. Write down what your adolescent’s plans are and continue to give her guidance as if she was still in high school. When your adolescent stops going to high school, your job as your adolescent’s greatest teacher does not end. It is still up to you to inspire her to follow through and become successful, even if it does not mean going to college.

6. If your adolescent expresses interest in taking the GED test, allow him to go that route (providing he follows through). Young people who get their GED and continue onto college have the potential to be as successful as those who graduate high school. Getting a GED does NOT have to be reason for parents to get upset.

7. Just because your adolescent chooses to drop out of school does not mean that she doesn’t have plans for the future. Allow her to explain her plan to you (assuming she has one). If you allow your adolescent to drop out, don’t panic. Sometimes adolescents need to learn life’s lessons the HARD way in order to find the RIGHT way.

8. No matter what your adolescent’s reasons for wanting to drop out of high school, put your emotions aside for a minute and listen to him. You may find that the problem is skin deep and easily fixed. On the other end, you may have an adolescent that is adamant about dropping out of school with no remedy in sight.

9. Offer to hire a tutor or to help your adolescent yourself. If the problem is a bully or a group of teenagers picking on your adolescent while at school, the problem may run a little deeper.

10. Moms and dads need to understand that, with rare exception, employers hire GED graduates on the same basis as high school graduates. In fact, 1 in 7 young people who receive their high school diploma do so by passing the GED. That’s important for the discouraged parent to remember. Quitting school usually does not spell the end of the educational process. Through entering the workforce, your teen may discover a career that he enjoys, and decide to get his GED and a college degree in order to advance himself. According to the American Council on Education, 1 in 3 GED test-takers plan to enter a college, university, trade school, technical school or business school the following year.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Help for Single Moms Raising Defiant Teens

Raising adolescents is challenging, and naturally so. As they become increasingly autonomous, so too can they become somewhat more oppositional. However, dealing with adolescent defiance can be even more challenging for single mothers. The most difficult situation with defiance may be the following scenario: a single mom with a male adolescent - especially if she has more than one adolescent male and there aren’t any father-figures around!!!

Some single parent statistics show the prevalence and challenges of single parenting in America:

• 23% of teens live with only a mother, 4% live with only a father, and 4% live with neither parent.
• 3% live with unmarried parents.
• About 40% of teenagers are born to unmarried mothers.
• Black teenagers are the most likely to be raised by a single mother, followed by Hispanic, then white teenagers.
• Teenagers living with only one parent have financial and educational disadvantages compared to teenagers with both parents, especially if their parent is the mother and if she did not finish high school.
• Slightly more than 1 in 4 teenagers in America is being raised by a single mother.

Parents may be single due to separation, divorce, or death, or they may have never been married. Also, some parents may have a partner who is not able to help with parenting due to a disability or a job that takes them away from their family most of the time. Parents in different situations face different challenges, but in all of these cases, it is hard for both the mother and her teenagers to parent alone.

Having a single parent can be hard on teenagers, who often wish they could have more of their parents' attention and may have emotional issues to work through. Though every situation is unique, here are some tips that may help a single mom with a defiant teen:

1. Be aware of signs of aggression, drug or alcohol abuse, gang affiliation, depression or suicidal thoughts in your adolescent. Talk to him about concerning behavior, and seek counseling if you are still concerned. Many communities have free or low-cost counseling for those who do not have insurance that covers the costs.

2. Be patient with your adolescent when you are starting to date again or getting remarried. This can be a difficult process, and it may take time for her to adjust to it. Keep talking to her about her feelings.

3. Do as much as you can to be supportive of your adolescent’s positive activities (e.g., sports or music). You may not be able to be there for every game or performance, but go when you can, and talk to him about his interests to show that you care.

4. Don't be afraid to seek outside support. Support groups like Online Parent Support can help single parents feel encouraged. Family and friends can also help, and being involved in community or church groups can relieve loneliness for single mothers and give adolescents positive role models.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Don't say negative things about the absent father. This may be very hard, but it's not good for teenagers to hear their mothers say bad things about their fathers, which may lead to feelings of anger and resentment. This doesn't mean the mother should “make up” good things, but they should refrain from saying bad things.

6. Emphasize the importance of education to your teenager. Get help if she is struggling in school.

7. Encourage your teenager to recognize and express his feelings. Younger teens especially may need help recognizing feelings (e.g., sadness, hurt, fear) that can come as a result of the loss of one parent. Even adolescents who grew up not knowing their other parent may at times feel a sense of loss over his absence. It's okay to get help from someone else to talk to your son or daughter, including a relative, clergy member, or professional therapist.

8. Have clear, consistent rules, and enforce the consequences when the rules are broken. It may be especially tempting for a single mom to "let things slide," but it’s very important for adolescents to have clear rules and consistent consequences.

9. If you work in the late afternoon and/or evening when your adolescent is out of school, make sure she has somewhere to go and positive activities to do. The time right after school is when adolescents are most likely to get into trouble, but if they are with a responsible relative or neighbor, or in an after school program, they are less likely to get into trouble. Summer programs are also available in many communities for times when the parent is working while school is not in session.

10. Let your adolescent ask questions and give him honest, age-appropriate answers. Be honest when you don't know an answer (there are some questions only the absent parent will be able to answer).

11. Tell your teenagers every day that you love them.

12. While you may be too busy working and trying to be both a mom AND a dad to spend as much time with your adolescent as you would like, make time for special activities together. Try to eat at least one meal together as a family every day, even if it's breakfast or a late dinner. Also, consider finding one time each week that you can set aside as family time to do fun activities together. Activities don't have to be expensive or elaborate to have a positive impression on your “defiant” teen.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens Who Ignore Curfews: Tips for Parents

“My 17-year-old son thinks that just because it’s Christmas break he can come and go as he pleases and stay out as late as he wants. Any thoughts on how I can get him to comply with his curfew (which is 11:30 P.M.)?”

Setting a curfew for an adolescent is one of those things that must be done carefully and enforced completely from the beginning. Being allowed to roam around with buddies is most definitely a privilege, and chances are if moms and dads aren’t remaining aware and informed at all times, their adolescent will get into some sort of trouble eventually.

Parents would do well to set early curfews in the beginning. Having younger teens come home around 9:00 P.M. ensures that they are given freedom, but are also expected to be home at a reasonable hour. This not only allows you to get your rest, but also allows them to display their trustworthiness.

As time progresses and your adolescent has adhered to curfews, you can begin to push it back by 30 minute increments. When you get to around midnight – it may be time to stop. No matter how old your son or daughter is, there really is no good reason to stay out past midnight. Most states have laws restricting adolescents to drive after a certain time unless they are coming to and from work, and most states do not allow adolescents to drive around with a car load of peers. If your youngster questions your curfew judgment, blame it on the law.

Most moms and dads feel pressured and cave-in to the complaining adolescent who asserts that all his buddies get to stay out later than him. Chances are the young people who can stay out are completely unsupervised, and those that are staying out later are not following their curfew. Don’t be afraid to ask other mothers and fathers what time their teens are supposed to be home in the evening, and always keep in the forefront of your mind that the longer your adolescent is allowed to stay out, the more trouble he can get into.

Adolescents are well equipped to know exactly how many beers they can have at a party and still make it home by curfew without their mom or dad noticing they have been experimenting with alcohol. Shorter curfews also ensures that your son or daughter can’t travel too far away from your home, town or neighborhood where he or she might be hanging out with groups of young people you don’t know very well.

As you begin setting a curfew for your adolescent, it is crucial that you enforce it. It’s absolutely necessary that some consequence be suffered for missing curfew - and even more important - that your adolescent knows the curfew is non-negotiable. Make adjustments for things like homecoming or proms – but nothing else. If your youngster is consistently late, ground her completely, or make her curfew so early that it isn’t worth leaving the house (although she still will).

The life of an adolescent gets more dangerous and tempting as time goes on. The young people that are allowed to stay out late are usually not the best influence, possibly have moms and dads who are out of town, and may be much older than your youngster (most adolescents don’t mention the 19-year-old boy who graduated last year, but still hangs out with them).

Although spying is not permissible in your teen’s eyes, YOU SHOULD DO IT ANYWAY! It’s your job to check up on your youngster to make sure he is telling you the truth, and so that you know for certain he is being responsible. Think back to when you were an adolescent. Remember? Don’t discount the fact that your adolescent will try the same tricks.

Another way to enforce curfew - and drive home the importance of it - is to ‘show up’ where your teen is if she is late coming home. Most adolescents would rather die than have their mother waltz into a party at 12:30 A.M, pulling them by the ear and taking them home. Do it once, and chances are your youngster will have incentive to abide by her curfew in the future.

If your youngster is going to be late due to an extenuating circumstance, make sure he calls. When he does, yelling, screaming or threatening on your part is not wise. Your adolescent needs to know that he can count on you and trust you to not overreact when he is trying to do the right thing. For example, there may come a time when your child’s buddy may get drunk and offer to drive him home. If you handle things right, your teenager will feel safe calling you for a ride instead. If something comes up that seems a reasonable excuse, make an allowance once – but don’t fall victim to constant issues. Remember the old phrase: “Fool me once – shame on you, but fool me twice – shame on me.”

Setting a curfew for adolescents is very important. The US Highway Safety Administration concludes that more adolescents are killed in car accidents after midnight than at any other time. Also, after midnight most establishments that cater to young people are closed. Insist that your teenager call you when she changes plans or moves locations, and if you don’t approve with what she is doing – require that she come home NOW! When adolescents begin to shift their plans and make excuses, your parental radar should be high – they are more than likely up to something. Even good teenagers, “straight A” students and athletes who have never given their mom or dad a problem are privy to peer pressure and ‘normal’ adolescent antics.

As a mother or father, the first responsibility is to keep teens safe and alive, and the only way you can do this is to remain vigilant and stay consistent in your rules, curfews and expectations – and back them up with enforcement.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

COMMENT:

Mark – this describes my 17-year old son spot on.  In addition to not coming home on curfew (which used to be 12:00am) – he now pushes it to 2:30am – 3am – 3:30am.  That is not bad enough – when he does come home, he thinks it is his god given right to have a huge munch fest at that time of the morning (usually comes home “baked” and doesn’t even try to hide it anymore.  He is so inconsiderate – there is no talking to him about his behavior, his disrespect for myself, my husband, and my 20 year old son!  We all work and he totally disregards any calm or peace in our house anymore.   He has been in trouble with the law in the past and as a matter of fact, is back in the court system right now as my husband and I had to call the police on him back in April as he has gotten to the point of breaking things in our home.  He has stolen from us and has done damage to our home with his temper.  The case has been postponed twice already and I suspect the same will happen tomorrow.  His legal aid lawyer tells him not to worry, that nothing will come of this!!!  I cannot believe I am even speaking of my son this way – it sounds like I am describing a monster!!!  He has become the child that other parents do not want their children around!!!  How sad is that!!!  We have tried so hard to bring him up with good morals and values.  He is from a good home, with a loving family.  I have a large family, many of whom live in the same town that we do – as well as my husband’s family.  Both of his grandmothers live here in town.  Everyone is worried about him – except for him!  He thinks it’s ok to live his own life, he is 17 now and no longer needs rules or a curfew!!!!  What do we do or where do we go from here – life has become unbearable for us as a family …..

Teaching Children and Teens to Have Respect

We want our kids to develop respect for others. We want them to be honest, cooperative and responsible. The payoffs for encouraging a youngster to show respect are huge.

Below are some tips for promoting a respectful attitude in your child (some of these tips may seem obvious – others may not):

1. Respect for money: Giving your youngster an allowance is a good way to help him respect and understand the value of money. But you must decide how much the allowance will be, taking into account your resources, your youngster's age, and what expenses the allowance will cover (e.g., lunches, clothes, church donations, entertainment, etc.). An allowance can help your child learn how to save and use money wisely.

2. Respect for sacrifice: If a youngster sees her mom and dad making sacrifices (e.g., "We're buying a used car so that we can save more money for a trip to Disneyland"), she picks up the cues.

3. Respect for sportsmanship: If you accept a loss on the basketball court graciously, your youngster can learn that winning isn't everything.

4. Respect for the law: If you say "no" to drinking alcohol before heading out on the highway, your youngster takes note.

5. Respect for honesty: If you tell a sales clerk that he gave you change for a twenty-dollar bill and not a ten, your youngster sees honesty in action.

6. Respect for good will: If you volunteer at a soup kitchen, your youngster will be more likely to have compassion for others who are less fortunate.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

7. Respect for differences: If your son senses that his mother and father appreciate people of all races, he is likely to become more open to peers of all races and backgrounds.

8. Respect for choice over chance: Many of the major threats to our kids today are not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice (e.g., drinking and driving, smoking, drugs, sex, dropping out of school, etc.). Research tells us that children and teens who engage in one risky behavior are more likely to participate in others, so moms and dads should help their kids understand the potential risks and consequences of their choices. Fortunately, most kids share the values of their moms and dads about the most important things. Your priorities, principles, and example of good behavior teaches your children to take the high road when other roads look tempting.

9. Respect for needs over wants: Of course, meet your youngster's “needs,” but also guide her to set them apart from her “wants.”

10. Respect for values: Talk to your kids about good values and why they matter. Just as kids need to be guided academically, so too must they be educated in the values of society (e.g., take responsibility for your decisions, love your neighbor, do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay, tell the truth, respect others, respect their property, respect their opinions, and so on).

11. Respect for people over possessions: The way that you view money and material goods molds your youngster's attitudes. If you see your self-worth – and the worth of others – in terms of cars, homes, furniture, nice clothes and other possessions, your youngster is more likely to develop these attitudes as well.

12. Respect for marriage: When a youngster sees her mom and dad treating each other with respect, she is more likely to follow this example in dating and marriage.

13. Respect for life’s challenges: When you accept disappointments as a part of life, and when you pick yourself up and keep going through the tough times, your youngster stands a better chance of becoming a survivor.

14. Respect for humility: When you can laugh at your own mistakes, your youngster is more likely to accept her own imperfections.

15. Respect for work: When you stick with a tough job until it’s done, your youngster will be more inclined to finish homework and chores.

At some point in their parenting career, moms and dads find themselves disheartened and aggravated. (e.g., "I can't believe my daughter is so rude and disrespectful. Where did I go wrong?!") Generally, there is no reason to fall to pieces if your youngster behaves impolitely from time to time – as long as she doesn't do it repeatedly. Disrespect needs to be recognized and dealt with. But you, as a parent, would do well to remember your own childhood – you turned-out OK. Your child will too.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents