Father Lets Son Get Away With Bad Behavior

Question:

I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do?

Answer:

I believe you have mentioned 3 issues here:

1. anger control problems (between parent and child & between wife and husband)

2. father uses an indulgent parenting style

3. husband and wife are not united and bonded on some issues

Let’s look at each one in turn...

Re: anger control –

Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the out-of-control kid. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue with your out-of-control kid.

In order to end such arguments, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. However, the most effective step, to simply stop arguing, can also be the most difficult. It sounds quite simple, just stop arguing, but in reality, it takes discipline and effort to change the pattern of behavior. By refusing to participate in the argument, the power of the out-of-control kid disappears. The out-of-control kid only continues to have power over you if you allow them to.

To stop the power struggle, prepare yourself ahead of time. Sit down, after your out-of-control kid is in bed for the night and it is quiet, and make a list of the times that you most often argue. Is it getting ready for school, doing homework, completing chores, getting ready for bed, etc? For each situation, determine a few choices that you can give your kid.

When preparing the choices, make sure to list only those that you are willing to carry out. If you are not willing to pick up your out-of-control kids and bring them to school in their pajamas, don’t threaten to or they will know that they still have control of the situation. Once you have decided on the choices you will give your out-of-control kid, stick to them and practice your self-control to not yell. Walk away, leave the room, and wait outside if you have to. But an argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

Re: indulgent parenting style –

Parenting style has two elements: sensitivity and strictness. Sensitivity refers to the extent to which parents provide warmth and supportiveness. Strictness refers to the extent to which parents provide supervision and discipline.

Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on strictness and sensitivity creates four parenting styles:

· Indulgent

· Authoritarian

· Uninvolved

· Assertive

Indulgent parents are more sensitive than they are strict. Children of these parents tend to have high self-esteem, but low motivation (e.g., perform poorly at school, do few if any chores). Also, they are more likely to have behavioral problems at home and school.

Authoritarian parents are very strict, but not very sensitive. Children of these parents tend to have high motivation (e.g., do well in school, do chores at home), but have very low self-esteem. They also have poorer social skills and higher levels of depression.

Uninvolved parents are low in both sensitivity and strictness. Children of these parents tend to have both low motivation and low self-esteem.

Assertive parents are both strict and sensitive. Children of these parents tend to have both high motivation and high self-esteem.

Thus, it might be in your husband’s best interest to adopt a more assertive parenting style -- for his son’s benefit!!

Re: not being united and bonded –

When mom and dad are not on the same page with their parenting strategies, several negative outcomes result:

1. One parent is forced into playing the role of the “bad guy” (this is probably you mom).

2. The child is always able to play one parent against the other (e.g., if he gets a “no” from the more assertive parent, he will go to the indulgent parent to get a “yes”).

3. The child is always able to convince the indulgent parent that the more assertive parent is “mistreating” him.

4. Due to the above outcomes, resentment builds in the more assertive parent, thus creating tension between husband and wife.

Thus, it will be important for you and your husband to sit down together and come up with a united plan. A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. When husband and wife do not develop a united front, it is often the kiss of failure (i.e., the child continues to suffer emotional and behavioral problems).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son Is Lazy and Morbidly Obese

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.”

Approximately 30% of children ages 6 to 11 are overweight and 15% are obese. For adolescents ages 12 to 19, 30% are overweight and 15% are obese.

Excess weight in childhood and adolescence has been found to predict overweight in adults. Overweight children with at least one overweight or obese parent were reported to have a 79% likelihood of overweight persisting into adulthood.

In addition to genetics, other factors contributing to obesity are:

• Lack of regular exercise
• Sedentary behavior (e.g., watching TV, sitting at the computer, playing video games)
• Low family incomes and non-working parents
• Consuming high-calorie foods
• Eating when not hungry
• Eating while watching TV or doing homework

First of all, let your son know he is loved and appreciated whatever his weight. Focus on his health and positive qualities.

Next, develop and implement a plan to gradually change your family's physical activity and eating habits. Let your son see you eating and enjoying healthy foods and physical activity. Plan family activities that provide everyone with exercise and enjoyment (e.g., swimming, biking, skating, ball sports). Reduce the amount of time you and your family spend in sedentary activities (e.g., watching TV, video games). Reduce the amount of “junk food” you will allow in the house, instead plan for healthy snacks. Encourage your son to eat when hungry and to eat slowly. Eat meals together as a family as often as possible.

In addition, assign active chores to every family member such as vacuuming, washing the car or mowing the lawn. Enroll your son in a structured activity that he enjoys (e.g., tennis, gymnastics, martial arts). Encourage him to join a sports team at school or in your community.

Other points to keep in mind are:

• Don't place your son on a restrictive diet
• Avoid the use of food as a reward
• Avoid withholding food as punishment
• Encourage him drink water rather than beverages with added sugars (e.g., soft drinks, fruit juice drinks, and sports drinks)
• Stock the refrigerator with fresh fruit and vegetables
• Plan times when you prepare foods together
• Eat meals together at the dinner table at regular times
• Avoid rushing to finish meals
• Avoid serving large portions
• Avoid forcing him to eat if he is not hungry
• Limit fast-food eating to no more than once per week

This should at least get you started with some behavioral modification strategies as they relate to diet and exercise.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Having a hard time with "tough love"?

“Our son ran after having a fight with his father ‘cause he doesn’t want rules, no curfews'. He'll be 18 in July. All he keeps saying is, 'I will NOT come home unless you agree that I will NOT be punished, and I WILL get my car back, period'. This has been going on for 3 weeks. We can't give in, but are having a hard time with the tough love. We paid for the car, insurance, and have his cell on suspension, but he thinks it's canceled. Any advice?”

I would simply say to him something like this:

“Son …we can’t control you. If you really want to run away from home, we can’t stop you. We can’t watch you 24 hours a day – and we can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way we do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because we love you, we can’t stand by and watch you do whatever you want – whenever you want – without any house rules. Running away from home will not make us change our minds about providing supervision and rules.”

Then it’s his choice to return home under your house rules or continue to attempt to manipulate you into changing your minds. A long as he is safe, I would just let him know that he is loved and that he can return home whenever he’s ready, and that he can take all the time he needs to make a decision. But he will have to follow the plan …period.

In the meantime, catch yourself feeling guilty – or feeling sorry for him – and remind yourself that you are fostering the development of self-reliance in your child. This is for his benefit – not yours.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Should You Keep Rules and Expectations the Same for All Your Kids?

Dear Mr. Hutton,

Well I finally took the plunge and started your program! I am now working my homework for week one. My humble statement was more difficult to deliver than I thought, but I somehow managed to get through it- Family dinner night for week one was minus M___, but I am hopeful he will eventually show as you say.

My questions to you are: I have two teenagers- M___ 17 and M_____ 16. I actually delivered the mission statement to both even though M___ 17 is the one with all of the symptoms of overindulged child. Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

Regards,

M.K.

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Hi M.,

Re: Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

Great question.

Answer: No.

Why?

Because each child is unique and has a different set of needs.

Your mantra should be: "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

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Thanks for your quick response. How do I handle the fallout from that when M___ sees different rules for his sister ? Wow what a situation- If I keep rules the same for both, the one with less need for stricter boundaries will rebel. If they have different rules M___ will be very vocal and negative with that. Considering that M___ thinks the whole world is against M___ (no personal accountability) this ought to be very painful for all involved. M___ is your textbook overindulged child. I could hardly believe it when I read your list of characteristics, every single one described my child. I was very ashamed of myself. I know, I am working on the forgiveness part and moving forward. This is the first time that I feel that I can help my son. Thank you!

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: How do I handle the fallout from that when M___ sees different rules for his sister?

Children are great "fairness detectors" (i.e., always looking for justice whenever they perceive injustice).

When siblings complain about being treating unfairly, parents should NEVER explain themselves. Rather, they simply repeat "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

Say it with me, M., "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

Remember this line. You will be using it frequently.

You may have to say this 278 times over the course of the next several months.

Your son will get tired of hearing your mantra around the 300x mark.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

Help for Low-Frustration Tolerance in Defiant Teens

Hi Mark,

I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today.

Thanks Mark,

L.

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Hi L.,

What you’re dealing with here is “low-frustration tolerance” (a classic symptom of an over-indulged child). Your daughter gets frustrated …then you seem to get frustrated at her for being frustrated. We all want life to be organized according to our preferences. This surely makes sense! What then is the problem? Unfortunately, we often go beyond just wanting - we believe that things must be our way. This reflects a human tendency called low frustration-tolerance.

I suspect that this tendency is one of the most common, underlying causes of distress in human beings. Paradoxically, it seems to be the one of which people are most unconscious! Low frustration-tolerance arises from believing that frustration is unbearable, and therefore must be avoided at all costs.

Low frustration-tolerance is caused by catastrophizing about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:

• ‘It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.’
• ‘Other people should not do things that frustrate me.’
• ‘The world owes me contentment and happiness.’
• ‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not.’

Low frustration-tolerance is closely related to low discomfort-tolerance, which arises from catastrophizing about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. The two types are similar and closely related. Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.

Low frustration-tolerance arises from demands that things be as we want, usually coupled with awfulizing and discomfort-intolerance when this does not happen.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Low frustration-tolerance creates distress in many ways:

• Addictive tendencies. Low frustration-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions. To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively.
• Anger. Low frustration-tolerance leads to hostile anger when someone does something you dislike, or fails to give you what you want.
• Anxiety results when people believe that they should - or must - get what they want (and not get what they don’t want), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when things don’t happen, as they ‘must’.
• Negativity and complaining. Low frustration-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overly concerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
• Short-range enjoyment (a common human tendency) is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practicing unsafe sex; or overspending to avoid feeling deprived.

High frustration-tolerance means accepting the reality of frustration and keeping its "badness" in perspective. To accept frustration is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, there is no Law of the Universe that says you ‘should’ be exempt from it (though you may prefer to be). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like annoyance and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.

Frustration-intolerance Thinking Errors—

· “Because I can’t stand being frustrated, I must avoid it at all costs.”

· “I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should.”

· “It is awful and intolerable to be frustrated from having things the way I want.”

· “My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable.”

 Realistic Thinking—

· “I don’t like it, but I can survive it - and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.”

· “If I tell myself that frustration is awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think it's coming - and bitter and twisted when it does happen.”

· “It is disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it is not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.”

· “Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like frustration, I can tolerate it.”

How to raise your tolerance for frustration:

• A useful technique is rational self-analysis. Analyze your frustration - while you are feeling it, if possible, otherwise, as soon as possible afterwards.
• Know when you are engaging in low frustration-tolerance behavior. Keep a log of such behavior for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like overusing drugs or alcohol, compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, bingeing on food, or losing your temper.
• The technique of exposure is an important way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things to which you typically overreact -- situations, events, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration, as you normally would, stay with the frustration until it diminishes of its own accord. You might, for instance, go without desserts for a while, have two beers instead of four, leave the children's toys on the floor, or the like.

Good luck!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Parent's Comment: "I guess we could all do with looking at ourselves and trying to keep our own frustration levels a little lower. Your emails are a great leveler and very informative. My husband says you deserve a knighthood for the work you do and the depth and completeness of your email replies! Thanks again until the next time...!"

Tips on How to Stop Sibling-Bullying

I have been listening and reading through your material and, so far, I am impressed. With a degree in special education, I have taken several behavioral management courses over the years and I have read several books. This material seems to be written specifically for my family! My son is 13 and the oldest of 5. I definitely notice a difference in my son's behavior when we focus more on the positive and state expectations clearly and specifically.

My husband and I struggle with the ability to remain calm when the actions of my son affect our other 4 children. I try not to blame or accuse because that just leads to an argument and denial. I have tried pointing out to my son that he is tired and perhaps should stay away from his siblings who are "annoying" him until he is not so irritable. However, my son continues to aggravate and instigate which most of the time leads to someone getting hurt physically and/or emotionally. My question is: How do I keep a poker face and redirect or remove my child from a situation that he is hurting others when he simply does not listen?? After I have tried several attempts, I often lose my temper...which is exactly what he wants!! Should I just remove my other children from the situation and try to ignore my son?

My husband and I will continue to read over and listen to your material. I have every confidence that this program will work for us. It says what I have been saying for years...my child is not bad...it is his behavior that needs to be addressed and he needs help in learning how make better choices.

Thank you,

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: … my son continues to aggravate and instigate.

While it may be common for siblings to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children. Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible. Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same game, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead. Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

If fights between your children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.) Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.

Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

Lastly, set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches them that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens Who Make False Claims That the Parent is Abusive

Hello, 

Last week I signed up to get your ebook and instructional videos. I have a question. My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when.

Thanks,

B.

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Hi B.,

This is all too common (i.e., the kid has learned that she can duck out off receiving consequences for poor choices by alleging abuse).

In short, I suggest letting your daughter try this new living arrangement with the g-parents (if they are amenable to it) – but – let her know that, in the case she burns a bridge with them and wants to come back to live with you, she will have to agree to abide by a behavior contract (that you draft-up ahead of time).

If / when the g-parents arrive at THEIR wits-end and ask you to take your daughter back, do so only under the understanding that they are not to allow your daughter to run back and forth from one home to the other depending on her mood / attitude at the time. GOT IT!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents