Issuing Consequences: Effective Methods for Parents of Defiant Teenagers

Consequences can be used to discourage unacceptable behavior in defiant adolescents. Usually this will occur after other techniques have been tried unsuccessfully. In summary, consequences:

• are given to help defiant adolescents establish boundaries
• are more effective when discussed in a matter-of-fact manner from a caring and controlled point of view
• help moms and dads present their adolescents with fundamental life lessons while helping adolescents recall what they learned from these disciplinary actions
• should be applied consistently (i.e., the behavior disciplined today will again be disciplined  next week if needed)
• should be clearly explained, related to the behavior, and completed as soon as possible
• should never be given in anger
• should not be confused with punishment

Also, behavior disciplined for one child will not be allowed for others. This consistency lowers anxiety by making the environment predictable.

"Discipline” means to teach, and positive discipline helps adolescents learn to effectively solve problems and manage conflicts. A parent who is angry with the child should calm down before deciding a consequence, and if applicable, should consult with the other parent before doing so. Moms and dads should regularly discuss the effectiveness of consequences for the specific child, and should always support each other in the positive discipline process of their defiant adolescents.

The Most Effective Ways to Issue Consequences for Defiant Teens—

1. Assigning Additional Chores: Your adolescent may dislike doing chores around the house because it takes her away from a video game or simply lazing in her room. If it is her duty to unload the dishwasher every Wednesday, and she neglects to do so, assign her the chore again on Monday and Wednesday of the following week. She not only has to do her regular chores on these days, but she also has the additional chores. This type of consequence is particularly effective if she and her siblings alternate chores. She sees her sibling able to do what he wants while she slaves away.

2. Choosing Their Own Punishment: Most adolescents believe that they are capable of making all their own decisions. If this is the case with your adolescent, try letting her choose the consequences for her irresponsibility. For example, if she forgets to pick up an item needed for dinner, she may choose to do the weekly grocery shopping for her parents. Of course, the consequence must fit the “crime,” and you should have the final say in its appropriateness. Allowing your adolescent to choose a fair penalty often results in increased self-esteem and satisfies her need for increasing autonomy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Community Service: While community service is often a voluntary effort, moms and dads can involve their kids in community-service work as a consequence for disrespectful behavior toward others or property. Community service teaches teens to think of others by offering helpfulness and showing compassion. Community service is also used as a punitive consequence by law-enforcement agencies, so this will teach your youngster what to expect if she ever engages in criminal activity.

4. Creating a Contract: There may be times where you decide to take away a privilege until your teenager can earn it back. If this is the case, make it clear what she needs to do in order to earn it back. A behavior contract ensures that both of you are clear on the expectations and how your adolescent can earn back privileges (e.g., if your adolescent throws a party when you’re not home and without your permission, create a contract that states what she must do in order to begin regaining trust and showing responsibility). A contract may include stipulations, such as she must complete her regular chores plus extra assigned chores, get all of her homework done on time, and must be honest in all situations for 2 full weeks. Once she is able to show these behaviors for 2 weeks, you can revisit instilling some more trust in her and allowing her to earn back privileges and spending time with peers.

5. Essay Writing: If your youngster chooses to disobey curfew or "borrows" your car without permission, you can instruct him to write an essay on expected behavior in the home. This consequence is an exercise that allows him to reflect on why his behavior was inappropriate, and to consider some of the natural consequences that could have resulted from noncompliance with house rules (e.g., getting into a car accident). Encouraging your youngster to write down these ideas can teach him to make better choices in the future.

6. Grounding: Grounding your adolescent from all social activities outside of the home can be an effective consequence. An adolescent generally places high value on socializing with peers. If the grounding prevents her from attending football games, church parties, or hanging out at her best friend’s house for the weekend, the consequence may jolt her into action the next time she is tempted to neglect her responsibilities.

7. Paying Restitution: There are times when it is important to have your adolescent pay restitution. For instance, if she vandalizes the neighbor’s fence, don’t simply take away her cell phone for the day. Make her pay to repair the fence. She can earn this money by doing extra chores. Also, there may be times that there isn’t a clear victim that your youngster needs to pay restitution to. For instance, if you discover that she’s been speeding when borrowing your car, make her do some community service activities before she can borrow the car again. Assign a certain number of hours she must do to show that she can be responsible with completing her community service before you’ll turn over your keys again.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

8. Practicing Tasks: Teens often try to get out of doing tasks by partially completing them. Moms and dads can teach their teens to complete tasks effectively - and in their entirety - by instructing them to practice washing dishes or vacuuming their rooms, for example, as often as possible. If your youngster is generally required to wash dishes once a day and has been doing a mediocre job just to spite you, offer her the opportunity to practice washing dishes appropriately twice a day for the duration of 1 week until she gets it right.

9. Removal of Privileges: In some cases, privacy is more of a privilege than a right. One teenager recalls when his mom and dad took his bedroom door off of the hinges because he slammed the door in their faces to express his anger. Such an act can remind your adolescent that he will have to use respectful words to express frustrations, especially if he has no door to slam.

10. Teaching Skills: Discipline needs to address not just behavior, but skill-deficits as well. For instance, if your 15-year-old prefers to sit in her bedroom and play video games by herself all the time, she may not be misbehaving – but she needs discipline. She may need to learn how to find new activities, develop friendships, and be responsible with chores. There are a lot of skills adolescents need in order to become healthy, responsible grown-ups. Moms and dads need to look for areas where their adolescent may be lacking and help her develop those skills so she can be successful when she lives independently.

In conclusion, consequences have to hurt to be effective. If you take away your youngster’s ability to watch TV, but she spends the evening watching Netflix movies on her iPhone, it isn’t an effective consequence. Choose a privilege that will really impact your adolescent, and help her to think twice before making the same mistake twice.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

“Parenting my angry rebellious teenage daughter is SO HARD!"

Hi S.,

I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>

Good Morning,

To begin, I just wanted to say that I joined your online program a few days ago and it has already been so helpful. There seems to be an ample supply of resources in my community for parenting young children, but haven't come across much for parenting the pre-teen and teen ages. I've been studying the materials and started implementing the strategies therein. Which has now brought about a couple of questions I could use some support on.

First, a few days ago I removed my daughter's computer privilege for the 3 day time frame. I didn't engage in the power struggle, simply explained the consequence, and stated I wasn't going to argue. The first day went surprisingly well. She did say my rules were dumb and asked for clarification about how long and when she would get computer time back. I told her if there were no more occurrences of the specific behavior she would have her computer time back on Saturday (3 days).

>>>>>>>>>>> You are doing a wonderful job. Go MOM!

The second day however, wasn't as smooth. She attempted to argue with me about it and I stated I wasn't going to argue. Then she tried to manipulate the issue and say she ONLY wanted to put music on her ipad and wouldn't use the computer for anything else. I said she could download her music on Saturday. I was on the phone with a friend at the time, and had already put the call on hold once to tell her I wasn't going to argue and restate the time frame. I went back to my phone call and she started mumbling unpleasentries and even throwing some things around the living room. I ignored, then she started yelling get off the phone and eventually, inappropriate things to my friend on the phone.

>>>>>>>>>> At this point, the parent should assert [with a poker face], “If you choose to continue to interrupt me while I’m on the phone, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will re-start.” If she interrupts again, then follow through with the consequence.

I continued to talk in hopes that my friend wouldn't hear and did not end my telephone conversation immediately. That is absolutely inappropriate, but I was so lost as to what to do or how to address. On one hand if I got off the phone ... then, I allowed her to control the situation ... on the other hand, my friend should not be verbally attacked by my 13 year old daughter? What is your suggestion for an appropriate response in that situation. I know she needs attention and approval and I am making sure to spend time with her, ask about her day, give positive feedback for good things I notice, etc. I did nothing during or after that to address it. Do you go back and talk about it after the situation is calm? I'm confused ... I don’t want to engage in a power struggle, but there are certain boundaries she shouldn't cross isn't there? When I was off the phone, she then asked if I would download the music for her. I said yes, I could download the songs if she made a list (not sure if that was right).

>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, this was a form of retracting your established consequence – you just got manipulated again!
 
She then decided she would wait until Saturday and do it herself. This is so confusing and hard because it seems that every situation perpetuates another?

>>>>>>>>>>If you find that “one problem is creating another,” you simply state that if she chooses to introduce a new problem, she will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will be started over.

>>>>>>>>>>> Let’s use an example: Daughter has been issued a 3-day-discipline (i.e., no computer privileges) for getting on Facebook when she was warned not to. On day 2, daughter wants to get on the computer to download music. Mom says “no” (one time) …gives her reason for saying “no” (one time) …and tells her daughter that when the 3-day-discipline is completed, the privilege will be reinstated.

>>>>>>>>>>>The daughter begins to have an inappropriate temper tantrum as a result. Thus, mom states, “If you choose to continue to argue with me, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over.” Daughter continues to argue. Mom now says, “Because you chose to continue to argue, you chose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over -- as soon as you calm down.” When the daughter chooses to stop yelling/arguing, mom looks at her watch and re-starts the 3-day-discipline.

Also, I know I need to accept and validate her feelings about things ... how/when do you do that?

>>>>>>>>>> You do that when she is calm; when she is behaving appropriately. Validation is not part of the equation during the period of time you are issuing a consequence.

At the moment the situation occurs I'm not arguing about it or showing emotion or engaging in any power struggle. But, I also want to be careful not to totally disregard her. After a blow up do you go back and discuss what happened?

>>>>>>>>> This is optional. If the employment of “Fair Fighting” (see the section on Fair Fighting) works in her case, then yes, discuss and problem solve. Otherwise, just let the execution of the consequence be the teacher.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

Parenting Children and Teens Who Are Oppositional and Defiant

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD]: Questions & Answers

==> Help for Parents of Children and Teens with ODD (and comorbid ADHD)

How to Educate Your Teen About "S e x"

 "What's the most appropriate way to talk to teenagers about the topic of sex education?"

Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but adolescents might not hear or understand everything they need to know to make tough choices about sex. That's where parents come in. Awkward as it may be, sex education is your responsibility. By reinforcing and supplementing what your adolescent learns in school, you can set the stage for a lifetime of healthy sexuality.

If parents wait for the perfect moment to discuss sexual issues, they may miss the best opportunities. Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing conversation. Here are some ideas to help you get started and keep the discussion going:

1. Clearly state your feelings about specific issues (e.g., oral sex, intercourse). Present the risks objectively, including emotional pain, sexually transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancy. Explain that oral sex isn't a risk-free alternative to intercourse.
2. If you're uncomfortable, say so — but explain that it's important to keep talking. If you don't know how to answer your adolescent's questions, offer to find the answers or look them up together.
3. Don't lecture your adolescent or rely on scare tactics to discourage sexual activity. Instead, listen carefully. Understand your adolescent's pressures, challenges and concerns.
4. Let your adolescent know that it's OK to talk with you about sex whenever he or she has questions or concerns. Reward questions by saying, "I'm glad you came to me about this."
5. Your adolescent needs accurate information about sex, but it's just as important to talk about feelings, attitudes and values. Examine questions of ethics and responsibility in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.
6. When a television program or music video raises issues about responsible sexual behavior, use it as a springboard for discussion. Remember that everyday moments (e.g., riding in the car, putting away groceries, etc.) sometimes offer the best opportunities to talk.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Sex education for adolescents includes abstinence, date rape, homosexuality and other tough topics. Be prepared for questions like these:

What if my friend wants to have sex, but I don't? Explain that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation or fear. Any form of forced sex is rape, whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone your adolescent has been dating. Impress upon your adolescent that no always means no. Emphasize that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and reduce inhibitions, leading to situations in which date rape is more likely to occur.

What if I think I'm homosexual? Many adolescents wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your adolescent understand that he or she is just beginning to explore sexual attraction. These feelings may change as time goes on. Above all, however, let your adolescent know that you love him or her unconditionally. Praise your adolescent for sharing his or her feelings.

How will I know I'm ready for sex? Various factors (e.g., peer pressure, curiosity, loneliness, etc.) steer some adolescents into early sexual activity. But there's no rush. Remind your adolescent that it's OK to wait. Sexual activity is for mature adults. In the meantime, there are many other ways to express affection (e.g., intimate talks, long walks, holding hands, listening to music, dancing, kissing, touching, hugging, etc.).

Adolescents and grown-ups are often unaware of how regularly dating violence occurs, so it is important to get the facts and share them with your adolescent. Moms and dads also should be alert to warning signs that an adolescent may be a victim of dating violence, such as:

• Suspicious bruises, scratches or other injuries
• Loss of interest in school or activities that were once enjoyable
• Fearfulness around their dating partner
• Excusing their dating partner's behavior
• Avoidance of friends and social events
• Alcohol or drug use

Adolescents who are abusive toward their partners are at risk of legal problems as well as emotional consequences. If they don't get help, these adolescents often develop lifelong patterns of unhealthy, unhappy relationships.

The lessons adolescents learn today about respect, healthy relationships, and what is right or wrong will carry over into their future relationships. Therefore, it's important to talk with your adolescent about what does and doesn't constitute a healthy relationship.

If your adolescent becomes sexually active (whether you think he or she is ready or not), keep the conversation going. State your feelings openly and honestly. Remind your adolescent that you expect him or her to take sex and the associated responsibilities seriously. Stress the importance of safe sex, and make sure your adolescent understands how to get and use contraception.

Your adolescent's physician can help, too. A routine checkup can give your adolescent the opportunity to address sexual activity and other behaviors in a supportive, confidential atmosphere — as well as learn about contraception and safe sex. The physician may also stress the importance of routine human papillomavirus vaccination to help prevent genital warts and cervical cancer.

With your support, your adolescent can emerge into a sexually responsible grown-up. Be honest and speak from the heart. Don't be discouraged if your adolescent doesn't seem interested in what you have to say about sex. Say it anyway. Studies show that adolescents whose moms and dads talk openly about sex are more responsible in their sexual behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Defiant Teens: eBook Link

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Say “No” Without Having An Argument

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter.

According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips.

So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits.

Here are 20 positive ways to answer your child in the negative:

1. Adjust your use of the word "no" over time. For example, in the first year of life, the word "no" is usually reserved for warning your youngster of dangers he encounters (e.g., a hot stove). Preschoolers might hear "no" regarding their negative social interactions. Older kids and teens hear "no" in response to their material requests. Temper your use of the word "no" as your youngster's skills and independence grows.

2. Are You a Parent Who Can't Say No? In their zeal to give their kids everything they need, some parents risk giving their kids everything they want. Parents who practice attachment parenting risk becoming totally "yes" parents, with "no" being foreign to their parenting style. It is important for the parent to feel comfortable saying 'no' to the child from the very beginning.

3. Avoid Set-ups. For example, if you're taking your youngster along with you to a toy store to buy a birthday present for his friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your youngster is likely to want to buy everything in the store. To avoid the inevitable "No, you can't have that toy," before you go into the store, tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Create Alternatives To The N-Word. Constantly saying "no" causes this word to lose its punch. Since stop sounds are used mainly to protect, try using more specific words that fit the situation. Consider this example: When a child is about to reach into the cat litter box, your first reaction is to say "no," but follow it up with an explanation: "Dirty! Make you sick." Next time the youngster goes for the litter box (and he will do it again), instead of "no," say "Dirty! Make you sick." That (and a disgusted expression on your face) will help the youngster learn the “why” as well as the “what” of good behavior, and the litter box will lose its attraction.

5. Distinguish between reasonable requests and unreasonable requests. Seasoned moms and dads often advise new parents to "choose your battles." You and your spouse should decide what requests are reasonable. If your 5-year-old yearns to jump in puddles every day, perhaps he could be indulged now and then if you have time for a quick clean up before dinner.

6. Encourage your children to think about others. The next time your children ask for new clothes, start by asking them to take inventory of what they already have. If they have outgrown a lot of their clothes, use the opportunity to teach them about donating their old clothes to others in need. If your kids want a big birthday party but you don't think they need all those gifts, encourage them to ask guests to bring money to donate to a charitable organization or a book that could be exchanged at the party (so everyone gets a gift). Or you could just write "no gifts" on the invitation and explain to your youngster that some families might not have extra money in their budgets for gifts.

7. Explain why you're saying “no” in terms children can understand. The slave labor excuse might resonate with a 10-year-old, but it won't work on a 4-year-old. You'll just get a blank stare then more pleading. That's why your response has to be age appropriate -- and simple. If you have young kids and want to prevent in-store meltdowns, set limits before you go shopping and tell them what the consequences are for disobeying. "You can pick out one thing" or "We're just getting a few things at the grocery today, so please don't ask for anything."

8. Give Positive Substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: "You can't have the knife, but you can have the ball." Use a convincing expression to market the "can do" in order to soften the "can't do." "You can't go across the street," you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice; then carefully state, "You can help Mommy sweep the sidewalk." There is a bit of creative marketing in every parent.

9. Master "The Look". You can often correct a youngster without saying a word. Master disciplinarians use a look of disapproval that stops the behavior, but preserves the youngster's self-image. Your youngster should understand that you disapprove of the behavior, not him or her. To be certain you strike the right note in disapproval discipline, follow the look with a hug, a smile, or a forthright explanation, "I don't like what you did, but I like you."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Personalize "No". Rather than giving a dictatorial "no," add your youngster's name (e.g., “no Michael”). If you tend to shout, a personalized address at least softens the sound and respects the listener. Some moms and dads confuse respecting the youngster with granting him equal power, but this is not a power issue. The person with the power should respect the person taken charge of. That consideration holds true in parenting; it holds true in other relationships as well.

11. Prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of "no." Saying "no" is important for a youngster's development, and for establishing his identity as an individual. This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority. Some moms and dads feel they cannot tolerate any "no's" at all from their kids, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority. They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence. Kids have to experiment with where their parent leaves off and where they begin. Moms and dads can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits.

12. Reinforce your values by saying "no" with a calm demeanor. If you become shrill (and what parent doesn't at one time or another?) you risk alienating your youngster, as she rolls her eyes and discounts your reasoning. Saying "no" one time, firmly and with conviction will become increasingly effective over time.

13. Remember to listen to your youngster and validate his feelings. Although we as moms and dads are not obligated to explain every refusal to our kids, sometimes we need to open up the lines of communication by hearing the youngster's side of the argument, even when we know the answer will still be "No!"

14. Rephrase your youngster's question into a sentence. If he says, "Do I have to go to bed?" You can say, "I know you don't want to go to bed, but it is bedtime and we have to wake up early." Again, acknowledge their request, because all children want is to be heard.

15. Say, "Yes, but you'll have to use your money." Children don't have a problem spending your money. But if they have to pony up their own cash, they might back off with their requests. Plus, making children pay -- or at least chip in -- for things they want teaches them a good lesson about making choices.

16. State the facts simply. So if your youngster asks you to stay longer at his friend's house, instead of saying “no,” try saying, “We have to go now. But next time, we can stay longer.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

17. Substitute a choice if you feel that all you ever say to your youngster is "no." If your son asks to watch a movie you have decided is too mature, instead of saying, "No!" you could respond, "We can watch a movie, and the movies you can choose from are X, Y and Z."

18. Teach Stop Sounds. Often a change in your mood or body language is not enough to redirect impulsive actions. Words are needed. Kids soon learn which discipline words carry more power and demand a quicker response than others. And kids soon learn which tone of voice means business and which allows for some latitude. Arm yourself with a variety of "stop-what-you're-doing" sounds so that you can choose one that fits the occasion. Tailor the intensity of the sound to the gravity of the behavior. Save the really big sounds for true danger.

19. Use the word "no" consistently for maximum impact. If your teenage daughter knows you will cave in and extend her curfew after 20 minutes of begging, she has learned that "no" does not really mean "no." Consistency is important across all age levels. When You Say It, Mean It. Follow through on your directives.

20. What If Your Youngster Won't Accept No? Kids, especially those with a strong will, try to wear moms and dads down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can't go on. They pester and badger until you say "yes" just to stop the wear and tear on your nerves. This is faulty discipline. If however, your youngster's request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying "no". While you want your youngster to believe your "no" means no, you also want your youngster to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your "no" until you've heard your youngster out. If you sense your youngster is uncharacteristically crushed or angry at your "no," listen to her side. Maybe she has a point you hadn't considered or her request is a bigger deal to her than you imagined. Be open to reversing your decision, if warranted. Make sure, though, that she realizes it was not her "wear down" tactics that got the reversal of your decision.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents