I’m not sure what to do about college...

Yes, my husband and I have over-indulged him; which after reading your on-line book is the root of his destructive behavior.

This past spring he became involved with a girl. The relationship went from “date” to talk of marriage within 3 months. We became aware of their sexual activity in May and I notified the girl’s mother. Her mother and I decided that their relationship should not continue. Three days after prohibiting them from seeing each other, they conspired to meet at her house while her parents were away and on his way to her house, he totaled his car. He was immediately grounded and for a month after the accident, lied about seeing her, denied responsibility for the car accident, refused to go to work, snuck out at night, locked himself in his room, carved her initials in his arm and refused to speak to us. We grew very worried that he was going to harm himself with these behaviors. His behavior was so mean, nasty and erratic, I didn’t even like to leave him at home with our dogs.

After much desperation, I contacted a military school to see about sending him away for his senior year. They recommended I speak with an academic consultant. The academic consultant recommended a wilderness camp. We approached him with the idea of the wilderness camp and my husband was going to fly him out; but he adamantly refused. We ended up having an adolescent transport service take him. During his time at the camp, he communicated well (written only) with us and complied with the camp 100%.

Upon his return, we told him that we did not want him to continue the relationship with his girlfriend and that we wanted to start clean with our relationship. But since we did not trust him, he would have to earn back trust and privileges. We felt strongly that a good portion of his defiant behavior was associated with the girlfriend and we still prohibited him dating her. This position seems to have been a mistake as we feel we have created a Romeo & Juliet situation. Recently, we know that their relationship has problems (constant fighting etc.) he continues the relationship; but he makes every attempt to hide it from us. He denies that he is seeing her. I have information to the contrary.

We have implemented many of your strategies and work everyday to be consistent. Although after reading your online book, I realize we have a few things to work on. Our son works 2 jobs this year and is taking a college level course along with the required 12th grade English course he needs to graduate. We allow him to go out with friends and have friends over and he is good about keeping curfew. He no longer sneaks out. I see glimpses of him taking on responsibility, but he still has a long way to go.

My current dilemma is that he turns 18 on March 26, 2007. Although he is beginning to understand a little about responsibility, he has no idea what it will be like for him to live on his own. He has recently been “threatening” to move out upon his 18th birthday. My husband and I have taken the position of not arguing with him but simply asking him questions about how he plans to support himself, get to work & school, and where he believes he will live. He gets ticked-off and frustrated when he realizes that he doesn’t have the means to support himself. My husband and I have tried very hard not to buy into his arguments; it is difficult, but does seem to be successful.

My husband and I have already concluded that when he is 18 & graduated from high school, if he doesn’t wish to comply with household rules, we will ask him to leave. My question is, since he will turn 18 prior to high school graduation, what tips do you have for our handling his defiant behavior for those months between April and graduation? I’m not sure what to do about college either. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

B.A.

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Hi Bridget,

I don’t have a whole lot to add. It sounds like you and your husband are greatly on track. Just continue to digest the material in the ebook (listen to all audio too).

Become an expert in the following strategies (online version of the ebook):

• The “Art of Saying Yes”
• The “Art of Saying No”
• “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter)

Re: college – Your son is an adult now. Let him decide what he wants to do, then provide encouragement in that area. If you try to push or pull him in one direction or the other, he will likely take an opposite path.

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

When Your Husband Is An Over-Indulgent Parent

"Both my husband and I have read your eBook. However, he is still wanting to 'over-indulge' our daughter. What can I do?"

Hi C.,

It will be very important for you and your husband to be united and bonded on most issues. But, bear in mind that a weaker plan supported by the both parents is much better than a stronger plan support by only one parent.

The two of you must set aside your differences as partners and resolve to work together as parents in the best interest of your child. This is difficult, but not impossible to do.

You will continue to disagree – and that's O.K. But agree that you will not let your own differences interfere with your ability to parent together. Argue only when your child is not within earshot.

Make important decisions about your child together. Sit down with your husband and create rules that your child must follow, but that the two of you agree on.

Also, learn to let go a little and accept that the situation cannot be perfect. 

Try to schedule talks with your husband at times when you are both relaxed and can concentrate. It is much easier this way. 

Finally, put your plan in writing. For example:  

"As parents, we agree to allow our daughter to do a, b, and c. And we will mutually impose a consequence for x, y, and z. The consequence for x is ___________, for y is ______________, and for z is ______________."

Give it a try.

Please stay in touch,

Mark

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

Would you suggest any further contact?

Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one living arrangement to another. This mother sent her son a letter inviting him to Christmas Eve dinner:

________

Hi Mark,

Sent letter to my son. He would have received it on Friday. In it I also expressed your advise. I have also invited him to join all our family for Christmas Eve dinner. It is Monday. Would you suggest any further contact? If yes when? Or do you think I should wait until he contacts us? Christmas Eve is in 6 days. It's frustrating when we don't have the answers ourselves anymore. What do you suggest?

________

Hi M.,

The main goal is for (a) your son to start taking responsibility for himself, and (b) for you to take less responsibility in order to achieve (a).

Whenever you are undecided about what to say or do, ask yourself the question, "Is what I"m about to say or do going to promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or is it going to inhibit the development of self-reliance? If your decisions promote self-reliance, then they are good decisions ...period.

Thus, should there be further contact? I don't think so.

Further contact feels a bit like you taking on too much responsibility (again). He's been given an invitation. It's his choice whether to show up or not. If he "no shows" ...you can give him his gifts as well as a Christmas kiss on the cheek whenever he does show up. In the meantime, spend your time and energy on the family members that are near you.

Let go and let God. Don't give your son the power to steal your joy this Christmas -- this is YOUR choice.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is an only child. Does this make a difference?

My fifteen year old daughter has always had problems with making and keeping friends. Its heart breaking when she never gets invitations to parties or sleep-overs. Is it too late to help her? She is an only child, does this make a difference?

__________________

Hi S.,

The fact that your daughter is an only child does make a difference, but not a BIG one. Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own and become very self-sufficient. Parents can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop.

Only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities. An only child's environment forces her to take on characteristics of extraversion despite natural inclinations toward introversion. A naturally introverted child must show extraverted qualities if she wishes to make friends. But take heart, the development of extraverted qualities can be learned, and with time, an element of extroversion becomes habit.

Of course, very few humans are strictly extraverted or introverted. To call an only child “introverted” would be to imply that the child developed into his/her natural tendency toward that certain personality type with little influence from the environment.

Nonetheless, environment forces the only child to struggle against his/her natural tendencies in order to function normally. Perhaps this struggle helps explain some of the common characteristics that emerge among only children, such as the tendency to not participate in many activities, but leading the ones in which they do participate. An only child tends to be more conscientious, more socially dominant, less agreeable, and less open to new ideas compared to the child who has siblings.

Therefore, she can choose to practice “approaching people” …she can practice speaking to people …and she can practice being interested in what others say and do. This will feel very abnormal at first, but with time, it will become habit. She can choose to have time alone – and she can choose to have times where she is “a part of” rather than “separate from.”

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Treatment for ODD

Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

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Hi B. & D.,

RE: Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD?

Residential treatment is not recommended for the treatment of ODD. Parent management training (PMT) is the recommendation because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the children and their parents.

PMT consists of procedures with which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their child's problem behavior in the home.

PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood.

These patterns develop when parents inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a child by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents, who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests, usually fail to provide positive attention; often, the parents have infrequent positive interactions with their children.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly as the result of repeated, ineffective, emotionally expressed commands and comments; ineffective harsh punishments; and insufficient attention and modeling of appropriate behaviors.

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook provides parents the training needed in disrupting negative behavior problems associated with ODD.

RE: How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

The exact number of cases of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in the U.S. in not known. ODD is the most common psychiatric problem in children. Over 5% of all children have this. In younger children it is more common in boys than girls, but as they grow older, the rate is the same in males and females.