I am finally reaching a place ...

Mark,

The info you have e-mailed me has been very helpful. What a difference it has made just to have someone putting into words what I have been going through. Of course, everyone blames the parents. This is incredibly frustrating and angering, if you let it be this way. I am finally reaching a place where I am not nearly as embarrassed and angry. My child goes out of her way to make sure she embarrasses me publicly at every outing. Her father abused her mentally, and in all other ways. I stayed with him too long and blame myself for a lot of her problems.

__________

Hi B.,

I’m glad you are letting go of some issues and simply taking care of yourself. Good for you. I wish more parents had the insight that you now have.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I’m so sick and tired of all these fights...

Hello Mark,

I was on the chat site and with our time difference here in Australia, it’s hard to be there I guess when you’re on. Like I mentioned in chat, I have a 22 year old & an 18-year-old daughter and a 44-year-old husband, am 43. My 22 year old daughter for the last four months has been giving me grief, disrespecting me, showing me no respect in the way she speaks to me, she yells at me and uses foul language with me. We just don’t seem to get on at all, if we sit down and have a conversation, it all ends up in argument with her telling me its none of my business in what she does and where she goes. She has started hanging around with this girl from work, and since she, has my daughter has changed dramatically in her mood swings, she says I irritate her and she cant stand to be around me. She is always going away with this girl on weekends, and since she has met her, she has even now broken up with her boyfriend of just over a year, where they were talking bout getting married earlier on.

I have even accused my daughter if she is taking drugs, and we have gone to the doctors together to get a blood test, and it came up as negative. When she was young, my husband and I had a lot of problems, and we tried not to fight in front of the kids, but my husband can be a verbally abusive man and at one point was quite physically abusive towards me and sometimes not often to the older daughter, which I tried to stop and would hit him back. We have gone passed that stage a lot time ago and we got help for it, but now my older daughter says it has caught up with her and I guess in a way maybe she is punishing me for it.

Am so worried about her at the moment and feel that this girl that she is hanging around with has some kind of hold on her and I get this bad gut feeling, that maybe its just more then a friendship thing more of a relationship between the two of them. Usually she brings her other girlfriends at home but cause I told her earlier on, that there is something I don’t like about this girl, she is constantly hanging around with her, (she is 23) I’ve asked my daughter if this girl is a lesbian and she doesn’t say much she goes quiet, and I’ve asked my daughter if there is something going on between the two, she says what do you mean.

My husband in a heat of an argument accused my daughter that this girl is now her lover, she went absolutely spastic, and started calling my husband a pervert and a weirdo. I’m so sick and tired of all these fights and the disrespect that she is showing me for the last 4 months, am at the end of my rope at the moment, our house is a constant battle field every time we try to speak to my daughter and question her.

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Hi B.,

With all due respect dear mom, your daughter is an adult now and is capable of making her own decisions. I get the feeling that you are over-protecting her (which is the opposite of fostering the development of self-reliance). 

Is she still living at home?! If so, how much rent does she pay per month, and when will she be moving out? Is she attending college and working at least part-time?

You and your husband may have inadvertently set-up a Romeo & Juliette phenomenon (i.e., you’ve tried hard to discourage that relationship, and as a result the two have bonded more tightly).

I would let her spend time with her girlfriend, however let her know that she could still contact a sexually transmitted disease if she has unprotected sex. 

I am not condoning sexual activity at her age, but I am saying that your best efforts will not pull those two apart – in fact it may have the opposite effect of strengthening the relationship.

Also one thing that strikes me with this situation is the lack of openness your daughter has with you to come out and talk to you on this sensitive issue. Sounds like trust is broken and resentment is setting in.

Please review the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook.

Time to (a) let go and (b) promote the development of self-reliance in your daughter.

Don’t let your daughter steal your joy. You did a great job of raising her in spite of her opinion about it.

Mark

Click here for more help ==> www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter lies, skips school, and uses drugs...

My daughter continually lies to us, skips schools, refuses to follow rules, she's already been in drug rehab and I recently found out she was smoking pot, she doesn't want to live at home, she thinks she can live out on her own and she's 16 1/2. Any suggestions?

___________

Hi A.,

It’s O.K. for your daughter to seek independence, but you still need to know where she’s going and whom she’ll be with. Don’t assume every “teen” activity is properly supervised or safe unless you have chaperoned it or have otherwise satisfied yourself. All kids want a little fun, adventure and to “hang out” with their peers. You are probably going to have to work with other like-minded parents to provide safe supervised outlets for them.

Strictly from the standpoint of keeping your daughter out of trouble, help her pick a core group of friends who you are comfortable with. You should know them and their parents. Undoubtedly, next to properly supervising your child, her friends will have the greatest impact on her actions and what she is exposed to.

You don’t have the time -- and she doesn’t have the attention span -- to teach her what to do in every possible situation. She should trust her conscience -- if it feels or seems wrong, dangerous or unfair -- it probably is.

You have the absolute right and responsibility to set the rules. Where she goes, who she goes with, how late she stays out, what she wears, etc.. These are all examples of boundaries. We have all seen the no and low boundary kids. They are the ones who skip school, stay out as late as they like, drink, and experiment with drugs and sex. These kids also have that strong adolescent need for the company of friends. Since most parents have boundaries that prohibit their children from joining them, they are constantly on the look out to make new friends that can join them. Don’t let your child be one of them.

Talking alone is not going to solve all the conflicts that are inevitably going to occur between you and your daughter. But communication is at the base of the parenting pyramid. You can’t set clear boundaries, educate, counsel or coach with out it. There are times and situations were active listening and exploring feelings are appropriate. There are also times were a more directive approach is needed. Remember “out-of-control teens” are experts at verbal judo. Don’t expect them to thank you for your wisdom or see your logic when you have to make an unpopular decision.

Finally, look for appropriate opportunities for your adolescent to start solving her problems on her own. Begin to talk about college, her getting married, finding a job, eventually living on her own, etc. Encourage her independence-seeking.

Much more on this in my ebook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Here’s to a better home environment, 

Mark

I have tried lots of things with my 10-year-old daughter. I have done a parenting course, but she is still causing disruption and is very violent towards me and her 2 sisters, K____ 15, and L___ 9.

Today my 10-yr-old daughter has smacked me, kicked me, tried to smash the patio door with the fruit bowl, then grabbed the kettle and has started throwing hot water around. This is not just putting us at danger, but herself. I am now wondering what on earth I can do next as I have tried time out sanctions, reward charts, praising, etc. Please give me some advice, as I don’t know where to turn.

Thanks, C.

___________

Hi C.,

At the risk of throwing labels around, you have described behavior in line with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

ODD defined:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

1. often loses temper

2. often argues with adults

3. often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. often deliberately annoys people

5. often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. is often angry and resentful

8. is often spiteful and vindictive

The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months-

• is spiteful and vindictive
• blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week-

• is touchy or easily annoyed by others
• loses temper
• argues with adults
• actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week-

• is angry and resentful
• deliberately annoys people

Here is an example of how ODD looks for a 10-year-old:

Kaylee is 10. Her day usually starts out with arguing about (a) getting up on time for school, (b) having to share space with her siblings, (c) what she can and can not bring to school, etc.

Kaylee does not take the bus to school. She has been forbidden to ride the bus due to numerous incidents in which she was verbally and physically disruptive. Since it is impossible to supervise bus rides adequately, the school gave up and now mom has to drive her to school. It is still hard to get her there on time. As the time to leave approaches, she gets slower and slower.

Once at school, she usually gets into some verbal battles with peers in those few minutes between her mother's supervision and the teacher's. When she is not allowed to go to the bathroom, she flips her desk. When she is told to stop tapping her pencil, she swears at the teacher. When she is sent to the office, she tells the vice-principal how badly she is being mistreated by the teacher and how unfair things are in the classroom.

Recess is a hard time as well. Kaylee tells everyone that she has lots of friends, but if you watch what goes on in the lunchroom or on the playground, it is hard to figure out who they are. Some peers avoid her, but most would give her a chance if he wasn't so bossy.

After school is the time that makes her mom seriously consider foster care. Kaylee refuses to do any homework and is making poor grades. Each day she complains that mom doesn't do anything for her. She gets upset with her siblings, slams doors, goes in the other room and usually turns the TV on very loud.

Mom tells her to turn it down. She doesn't and is sent to her room. After supper Kaylee ends up in a screaming match with mom over her unwillingness to help with the dishes. In fact, Kaylee refuses to do any chores and gets very angry when mom asks her to help out around the house.

Kaylee’s siblings are afraid of her – so is mom.

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Traditional parenting strategies such as time-outs, reward charts, etc., do not work with ODD kids – in fact, they tend to make a bad problem worse. We’ll look at what does work in “My Out-of-Control Teen eBook.” It will take some time and a specific combination of strategies to get the problems turned around. There are no short cuts, and the longer the parent waits to implement these strategies, the more things deteriorate. 

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is our teenage son really suicidal?

"Our son recently lost his girlfriend in a very bad car accident. She and two of her female friends were killed instantly when the driver veered off the road and hit a tree head on. My question is he has been very depressed since the accident and is now talking about wishing he were dead. No amount of talking to him is making a difference. Should we be concerned that he really might follow through with a suicide attempt?"

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among those 15 to 25 years of age, and it is the 6th leading cause of death among those 5 to 14 years of age. It is estimated that 500,000 teenagers try to kill themselves every year, and about 5,000 succeed. Furthermore, teenage suicide is on the rise. Some of the reasons for this increase:

• Easier access to lethal means, such as guns and drugs
• A more violent youth culture, fueled by video games, music, television and movies
• A lack of family stability; divorce, abuse
• Reduced impulse control due to technology and the rapid pace of modern life
• A romantic misconception about the finality of death
• Peer pressure and a feeling of powerlessness
• Limited access to mental health services

Studies show that clear warning signs have preceded 4 out of 5 teen suicide attempts. Warning signs include:

• Loses interest in favorite extracurricular activities
• Has problems at work and loses interest in a job
• Abuses substances, including alcohol and drug (illegal and legal drugs)
• Begins to experience behavioral problems
• Withdraws from family and friends
• Experiences sleep changes
• Experiences changes in eating habits
• Begins to neglect hygiene and other matters of personal appearance
• Experiences emotional distress which brings on physical complaints (aches, fatigues, migraines)
• Has a hard time concentrating and paying attention
• Begins to receive failing grades at school
• Loses interest in schoolwork
• Engages in risk taking behaviors
• Complains more frequently of boredom
• Does not respond as before to praise and encouragement
• Actually says, “I’m thinking of committing suicide” or “I want to kill myself” or “I wish I could die”
• Begins giving away favorite belongings, or promising them to friends and family members
• Throws away important possessions
• Shows signs of extreme cheerfulness following periods of depression
• Creates suicide notes
• Expresses bizarre or unsettling thoughts on occasion

Here’s some of the things you can do:

Ask your teen if he is thinking about suicide. Listen openly and without judging. Believe what he says, and take all threats seriously. Share responsibility by getting others involved. Reassure him that help is available, and support and encourage him to reach out to sources of help in the community. Act immediately if you feel he is at imminent risk for suicide by involving others who can help. If necessary, make contact with the police, emergency services, or a hospital to ensure the person's safety.

Talk, ask questions, and be willing to really listen. Don't dismiss your teen's problems as unimportant. Parents and other influential adults should never make fun of or ignore an adolescent's concerns, especially if they matter a great deal to her and are making her unhappy.

Be honest. It you're worried about your teen, say so. You will not spark thoughts of suicide just by asking about it. Share your feelings. Let your teen know he's not alone. Everyone feels sad or depressed at times.

Get help for your teen and yourself. Talk to your pediatrician, teacher, counselor, clergy, or other trained professional. Don't wait for the problem to "go away." Although feelings of sadness and depression can disappear as quickly as they came, they can also build to the point that an adolescent thinks of suicide as the only way out. Be careful not to assume that your teen's problems have been so easily solved.

If your child seems depressed and withdrawn, it's a good idea to watch him or her carefully. If your child will not speak to you about how he or she is feeling, it's a good idea to suggest that your child talk to someone else who he or she feels comfortable confiding in. If your teen doesn't feel comfortable talking with you, you may want to suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a clergy member, a coach, a school counselor, or your child's doctor.

Some parents are reluctant to ask teens if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. Some parents fear that if they ask, they will plant the idea of suicide in their child's head.

It's always a good idea to ask. Asking a person if he or she is having thoughts about suicide can be difficult. Sometimes it helps to let the person know why you are asking. For instance, you might say: "I've noticed that you've been talking a lot about wanting to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?"

Your child's doctor can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or your local hospital's department of psychiatry can provide a list of doctors in your area. Your local mental health association or county medical society can also provide references. In an emergency, you can call 1-800-273-8255.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents