Does this happen to other moms as well?

Hi Mark,

We are finding your book very interesting. I have a question concerning parents and councellors. Often we are told to "butt out", “your daughters disorganization is due to your disorganization.” We were led to believe from one school councellor that our daughter’s difficulties all stemmed from our ADD son and we should have been spending more time with her.

Often our daughter speaks with these councellors, we never have access to them except to receive their criticism as our daughter is over the age of 16 and will not allow us to know anything.

They will allow us to vent, but we never get any feedback except these blunt comments.

As a mom, I cannot take these negative comments much longer. She started with a new councellor about 4 weeks ago and he wants to talk with just me (mom). I have found in past experience that usually in these instances, I get belittled into the ground, but if my husband comes it seems to change the picture. Is this just me or does this happen to other moms as well? I am tired of being made feel like I am the one with the problem.

Our daughter has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and by research on the net, this can lead to Type II Bipolar if left untreated, but we cannot find anyone who is willing to treat the initial disorder. She was put on mood stabilizers for type II bipolar, but is non-compliant in taking them.

E. & P.

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Hi E. & P.,

Sending the kid to counseling is simply another “traditional” parenting strategy that has little or no benefit with “non-traditional” kids – and in too many cases, counseling makes a bad problem worse. One-on-one counseling with the child or with just a portion of the family is not recommended!! If the entire family can attend, then counseling may have some benefit. Even then, you will not get much bang for your buck (and you’re hearing this from a counselor -- me).

The best approach for dealing with strong-willed, out of control teens is outlined in the eBook …you need nothing else. Let me repeat this …you need nothing else. This charges you, dear parent, with the difficult work of reading the material thoroughly and making a whole-hearted effort to implement the recommended parenting strategies. This is YOUR job – not the counselor’s.

Re: not taking meds. This needs a consequence in the same way any other behavioral problem needs a consequence. (Please refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management chapter of the eBook).

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way...

Mark,

My husband (Pat) and I are excited that we found your website. We have a 15 (almost 16) year old. Oct. 2005 he was diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and ODD. He was sent to the state hospital for 2 months to stabilize his moods and meds. He was sent home (failure to comply and interfering with other people's treatment plans). That was a tough time because it was easier to live without him than to live with him at the time. We filed for a CHINS petition (Children in Need of Supervision). He was place on probation and began receiving therapy from another counselor.

Here we are a little over a year since he came home. It has been a lot of ups and downs. There have been days when we feel like we couldn't go on and that it would be best for him to be placed in residential treatment. The psychiatrist is still changing his meds. I feel like we're still dealing with the same issues. My son wants to do what he wants, when he wants. He becomes belligerent when he doesn't get his way. Imagine, a 15-year-old, 5' 9", 260 lb kid throwing what seems to be a temper tantrum because he didn't get his own way. I worry about how he will turn out as an adult. He comes from a family that has a long history of anger problems and violence.

When he turns 16 he will be applying to get into Job Corp. We are excited about this ...probably for some wrong reasons. But at this place, he will not allow us to parent him. Little things become such a big fight ...the simple stuff, like picking up after himself ...or taking his meds.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

L.F.

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Hi L.,

You just described all the other kids I work with during my day job (i.e., multiple mental health issues and behavior problems). And the parents that show up for my group are in the same boat as you (i.e., “Tried everything …still just treading water.”).

If you will commit to using the strategies in my eBook, you will finally begin to experience some positive change. But you must NOT dabble with these strategies – no half measures. Half measures WILL be the kiss of failure.

Below are just a few key points that will be developed in greater detail in the eBook. To omit even one of these will result in another failed attempt at getting significant change underway. These strategies are like the parts of a transmission in your car. Your transmission has little tiny springs, valves, gears, bands, and so on. But if just one of these parts is missing or defective, the whole transmission either runs poorly or not at all.

Key Points:

• After issuing a consequence, never retract it.

• Allow your out-of-control kid to make wrong choices – this gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

• Be able to differentiate between your kid’s wants and her needs.

• Consider having only one television and one computer in the house.

• Don’t nag – simply follow through with the consequence.

• Don’t try to save your kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

• Expect your out-of-control kid to resist your new parenting strategies.

• Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.

• Give only one warning -- then follow through with the consequence.

• Give your kid at least five chores to do each week.

• If you have tried to correct your parent’s mistakes by attempting to be a “better” parent, know that (a) you turned out all right, and (b) you may be erring on the other end of the extreme (e.g., your parent was aggressive to you as a child, so you decide to parent in a passive way).

• If you slip into a rage against your kid, apologize - but don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him.

• If your kid hibernates in his bedroom, take that television and computer out of there.

• Keep an eye out for your kid’s guilt-trips.

• Know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents – even if they are divorced -- is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one.

• Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”

• Only give your kid gifts on these 3 occasions: birthdays, Christmas, and graduation.

• Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you have parented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again – beating up on yourself.

• Remember that over-indulged kids are too comfortable – they need some discomfort before they will change.

• Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest – you are not a buddy!

• Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.

• When taking away privileges, take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best). If it lasts too long, resentment builds, the kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost.

• When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your kid, know it is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

• When your kid needs to be cheered-up, do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving him/her a lot of stuff and freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities).

• Don't dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – be consistent and you will out-will the strong-willed, out-of-control kid!

LEARN MORE

I am at the end of my rope...

I have a 12-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with numerous conditions (Tourette's ADD, ODD and early onset bi-polar disorder). However, of all these the Oppositional Defiance disorder is giving me a great deal of heartache. She will not do anything I ask (including bathing and general hygiene) is extremely argumentative and annoying with everyone and now has started to refuse to get up and get ready for school. We have reached the lifetime limit for mental health treatment on our insurance. Any help or advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated as I am at the end of my rope.

==========

Hi E.,

My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. Out of a pure sense of hopelessness, these parents have come to Madison County Juvenile Probation seeking help.

They have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try to help, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These kids with these “disorders” (e.g., ADHD, ODD, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, etc.) are the most enjoyable bunch of kids I could ever work with. I get respect and cooperation from all of them.

But …and this is an important point here …I know how to approach them. Through years of trial and error (as well as research), I have found a method for over-coming the obstacles that formerly prevented any positive outcome with these kids.

I want you to hear me very clearly here …there is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stress-out parent. I will help you bring the chaos and confusion to a grinding halt, but I can’t help you unless you are willing to work with me – I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my lectures, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – we WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith, you will experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with a dishonest, disrespectful and dysfunctional child, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is never too late.

Now…

You have to make a decision. You must decide whether or not to take a step of faith here. I cannot help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

You deserve much better than you are settling for.

Click here to get started with my program: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

I hope to hear from you soon,

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Madison County Youth Center
Madison Superior Court, Division 2
3420 Mounds Road
Anderson, Indiana
46017-1873
Probation: (765) 635-9037
Fax: (765) 646-9229
Toll Free: (856) 457-4883
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

She is completely out of control...

Please ...is there any advice for my husband and I about his teen daughter with Bipolar and Aspergers. She is completely out of control with her anger and very threatening to my 5-yeard-old and 18-month-old who are her half siblings. Please let me know if there is any free advice anywhere on how to handle being around her and how these situations should be handled. Her mother and father are giving in a lot and it has taken its toll on my children and me. Thank you.

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Hi S.,

For info on Bipolar Disorder, please refer to this section of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/bi-polar

For the entire eBook on dealing with out-of-control teens, please click here:

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Mark

He fights physically with other children...

Hello --

We are new to the My Out of Control Teen and are really impressed with the material. We have an 11-year old that fights physically with other children when he's frustrated or angry and I'm looking for an appropriate punishment. I see in the material that you have lots of suggestions for many things, but I didn't see anything about this specifically. It doesn't happen that often (but it did tonight when he spent a couple of hours with a new neighbor's son), and he's not in the same situation that often so it's hard to deal with it on a regular basis, but when it does happen it's a big enough deal that I want it to stop. Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Thank you for providing all of this material and any assistance you can provide.

B.

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Hi B.,

The strategy for this particular behavioral problem is in the “Anger Management” chapter, and is entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.” Please refer to this strategy using the online version of the eBook (listen to the audio as well).

I’ve taken the liberty of “plugging” your particular situation into the steps:

1. Clearly state your expectation.

"In the future, do not push or hit any of your friends.”

2. When your child plays with friends without fighting, reward with acknowledgment and praise.

"You did such a great job of playing without fighting …that’s you being a good friend.”

Note: "Rewards" such as hugs, kisses, and high-fives increase your children's motivation to do what you ask them to do.

3. If, on the other hand, your child refuses or ignores your request, then a clear warning (with your best poker face) should be given immediately in the form of a simple “If/Then” statement.

"If you choose to push or hit, then you’ll choose the consequence, which will be ________ " (pick the least restrictive consequence first, such as no computer games or T.V. for one evening).

4. If the warning is ignored, then quickly follow through with the discipline.

"Because you chose to hit/push, you also chose the consequence -- which is no games or T.V. this evening."

5. If your child refuses to accept the consequence (e.g., watches T.V. anyway), take everything away (or at least his "favorite" stuff and/or activities) and ground for 3 days. If child has a temper tantrum when he finds out he is grounded for 3 days, the 3-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. If he violates the 3-day-discipline at any point, merely re-start the 3 days rather than making it 7 days or longer.

6. Tell your child exactly he can do to EARN his way off discipline.

"If you do not hit or push anyone over the next three days, then you will be ungrounded – and you will get all your toys and games returned to you …on the other hand, if you DO hit or push anyone, the 3-day-discipline starts over."

We can tweek the above strategy as needed. Please keep me posted.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

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Thank you Mark! That really helps. We are doing much of this and appreciate seeing the pattern laid out to keep us on track. With the consistency idea in mind, I'm working on zeroing in on every little instance of angry behavior as a means of working it out with the small things—even kicking the stairs when he walks up to take a shower he doesn't want to take :) and I'm hoping I can be diligent enough to make a difference. The idea of complimenting him and small rewards for behaving well often do get overlooked (it seems so basic to be civil when we're around other people!) but your recommendation to notice those is a good one.

B.