Dealing With Picky Eaters


Mark-

Have been looking at your website and am very interested. I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. It's no longer a joy being in the house with them all at once!! I'm not saying they are really naughty, they don't trash the house or give verbal abuse, but they perhaps are just being boys and continuously argue, they don't do as they are told and meal times are a nightmare!

Your speedy reply would be appreciated.

K.

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Hi K.,

Here are 20 tips for picky eaters. Use these practical tips to avoid mealtime battles:

Your child has refused to eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches for the past two days, and your toddler would rather play than eat anything at all. Sound familiar?

If children's nutrition is a sore topic in your household, you're not alone. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time.

1. Be patient with new foods. Young children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he or she takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his or her plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he or she is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he or she may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing, he or she is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Young children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he or she eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his or her eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Mark

Online Parent Support

"My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking..."

"Mark, My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking. Any suggestions on what I can do to get her to stop? Thanks, T."

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Hi T.,

Young people start smoking for many reasons -- to act older, to be independent, to fit in, to relieve stress, to rebel against adults and sometimes to be like their parents. You should talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking:
  • Smoking is the leading preventable cause of death in the United States.

  • Nicotine is an addictive drug found in cigarettes.

  • Approximately 80 percent of adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18.

  • Most teens can buy cigarettes even though it is illegal to sell them to minors in all 50 states.

  • Spit tobacco (chew) is not a safe alternative to smoking. Regular use of spit tobacco can cause cancer of the cheek, gums, tongue, and throat.

 

Tips for Parents-

  1. Show concern. Don't wait for your teen to smoke before you talk about tobacco use. Many kids begin trying cigarettes at 11 or 12 years of age.
  2. Establish rules. Talk about family expectations and rules about smoking. Clearly state and enforce the consequences for breaking the rules.
  3. Know the facts. Talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking. Teens often don't relate to the future health problems caused by smoking, such as lung cancer and heart disease. Try talking about the dangers of smoking in a way that hits home with your teen. Use a relative or close friend who is sick with or died of a smoking-related illness as an example.
  4. Let your teen know that smoking stains teeth and causes bad breath, yellow fingers, smelly hair and clothing, and premature wrinkles. Smokers also have less athletic endurance.
  5. Challenge the ads. Talk about the ways that tobacco companies try to get young people to buy their products. Tobacco ads that create images of glamour, fitness, fun, and success mislead some teens to think that they can improve their self-image by smoking.
  6. Get to know your teen's friends. Know where they hang out and what they are doing.
  7. Be honest. Do you smoke or are you an ex-smoker? You can still express concern over your teen starting the habit. Talk about how hard it is to quit. Share your experiences.
  8. If you smoke, try to quit. If you smoke, your teen is more likely to become a smoker. Also, research shows that secondhand smoke (smoke that comes from the end of a cigarette or that is exhaled) is dangerous to nonsmokers because it increases their risk of lung cancer. Ask your doctor or other health care provider to help you quit smoking or call the national agencies listed below for information.
  9. Support community efforts to work against tobacco ads that target young people and to enforce laws that prevent the sale of tobacco to minors. For information on anti-tobacco efforts in your community, contact the agencies listed below.


Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Adult Aspergers

Mark-

Have you heard of adults having Aspergers. My son has been diagnosed, and it seems that I have some of the same problems.

Concerned father,

J.

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Hi J.,

As more and more doctors and society in general understands more about Aspergers syndrome, the condition is being diagnosed in adults as well as children.

Sometimes the diagnosis doesn’t come out in adults until their own child is diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Typical symptoms associated with Aspergers syndrome in adults include having an average or above average intelligence, having difficulty thinking abstractly, showing difficulty empathizing with others, having poor conversational ability, and having difficulty controlling their feelings.

They also tend to adhere strongly to routines and schedules, show some inappropriate social behaviors and tend to specialize in specific fields or hobbies.

Adults with Aspergers syndrome often cannot clearly understand the emotions of others.

They may miss the subtleties of facial expression, eye contact and body language.

Like children with Aspergers syndrome, these adults are often seen as odd.

In addition, more males than females are affected with adult Aspergers syndrome.

In years past, such people muddled along in society, sometimes on the fringes and others were diagnosed with different types of mental illnesses.

Now that Aspergers syndrome has been brought into the public light by cases of people who either have succeeded despite Aspergers syndrome or committed crimes as a result of having previously undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome, more adults are being picked up and treated for the condition.

Often these aren’t adults specifically asking for help for suspected Aspergers syndrome but rather have depression, issues around self esteem or other mood issues that bring them to doctors or therapists that are now making the correct underlying diagnosis.

By finding the correct underlying diagnosis, more help can become available even to those who’ve likely had the diagnosis their entire lives but were unnoticed or labeled something else.

Mark

Online Parent Support

His behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse...

Dear Mark............many thanks for the My Out-of-Control Child download and information on Teen Incentive Contracts. My wife, teen son, and I are making progress and are beginning to see improved changes in all of us. This information has answered many of the "yes, but how" questions that we have had.

Our son's behavior is improving at home but his behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse -- e.g. more tardies, talking back to teachers, not studying during advisory period, etc. The consequence for these incidents is generally an after-school detention. Please advise if there should be a natural consequence at home as well considering that my wife or I must then pick up our son because he can't take the bus home?

Many thanks...............J.

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Hi J.,

You've mentioned 2 issues:

==> behavior problems at school

==> his behavior then is an inconvenience for you

Re: after-school detention. This is his consequence. I wouldn't add another on top of it

Re: providing transportation. Since his lack of responsibility costs you money (i.e., gas) and time, I would tell him that he will be charged a taxi service fee of, say $3.00, in the event he misses the bus and you have to go get him. This $3.00 can be deducted from his allowance, or he can perform some work at home to earn the $3.00, which must be paid back to you.

Sound silly? It works! This sends a very clear message to your son that his negative behavior affects him directly.

Mark

Online Parent Support

No excuses – just action!

Dear Mark,

I have been working with the e book but things with my daughter are not good. I am a single parent; her mom has been out of the picture since she was three. The problems I have had are her not honoring her curfew. 10pm on school nights and 2 am on weekends. She does poorly in school, hangs with the wrong crowd, is using marijuana and the list goes on. This month she will turn eighteen and I feel that it would be best for me to just let her leave so I can find some peace. I feel like I don't love her anymore, she has caused me so much pain. She does not respond to any consequences.

I am a teacher so I feel like I have failed my most important student. The damage is done and does not seem reversible.

What happens when she turns eighteen and she feels she has the right to do whatever she wants? How can I enforce anything? She has played all her cards and is on a losing streak? What can be done? Do I just exit with my heath and sanity intact and leave her to her insufficient resources? I am very tired.

Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

M.

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Hi M.,

Bear with me here, and don’t get upset with me just yet.

If you are allowing your daughter to stay out until 2 AM on weekends and not involving the authorities regarding her drug abuse, then you are clearly not working my program.

Having said this, your most important objectives now are (a) to begin taking care of you, and (b) to begin preparations for her to move out.

You are not a failure, neither as a teacher or a mother. You did the best you could given the circumstances.

I agree that some “damage is done” – but it is reversible. You’ll need to adopt a new perspective now. This new frame of mind will include:

1. Mentally going beyond the problem and projecting yourself to a future time where the problem could not possibly matter anymore.

2. Developing a part of you that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your daughter, regardless of circumstance – which is called “healthy emotional detachment.”

3. Visualizing your daughter as a mother going through her own parent-child conflict.

4. Asking God for guidance, trusting that you will receive that guidance, and detaching from the outcome.

5. Reminding yourself that your daughter is a “work in progress.” She will get her act together eventually. You have done far more good than you are willing to realize today.

6. Letting go and letting God take it from here.

7. Reminding yourself that all things work together for good. It’s likely that something wonderful is emerging from your current situation -- but that you haven’t seen it yet.

What will you do today to take care of you?

What proactive task(s) can you engage in today that will begin the process of helping your daughter move out around the time she turns 18?

No excuses – just action!

Mark

Online Parent Support

I have no support system...

Mark,

I've followed week 1 exactly as written but not sure if I'm ready to move on to next step. My child is 15 yr old with ADD, ODD, depression, and currently not attending school because he was moved to an alternative setting and he "doesn't like it". I don't feel ready to move to next step with him. I have no support system (family and or friends to talk with and or help me with this child). Should I just move on and let the school situation play out on its own? I need your advice, thanks.

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Hi T.,

Yes, you want to keep moving forward. Most of the members of Online Parent Support are single moms who get little or no support from others. You are in the majority.

You really do need to find some support however. Consider the following resources:

· Pastors/Ministers of your local church or synagogue
· Counselors/Therapists at your local Mental Health facility
· School counselors
· Your local Department of Family & Children Services

Investigate your community to see what services they offer. I’m sure there are a few service providers that you are unaware of. Don't be afraid to reach out. There are people right now somewhere who would be eager to help you.

Mark

Online Parent Support

ADHD/ODD Son Waits Until the Last Possible Moment to Get Up for School

"Is there anything you can recommend for a 14 year old male (has ADHD and ODD) that consistently waits until the last possible moment to get up in the morning and get ready for school? We have tried everything we can think of. He is awake well in advance but refuses to get prepped/eat breakfast/be ready on time. The good news is (at least to this point) is that he does indeed get up and get to school. We understand his motivation is to get a "rise" out of us and see us get frustrated. We would appreciate your thoughts."

Parents unwittingly cause morning madness by not instilling that the routine is a family requirement and not an option. A non-negotiable routine must be established, and consequence discussed and determined (e.g., "If you don't get up on first call, your bedtime is 15 minutes earlier tonight"). It's the "wiggle room" that causes meltdowns and tantrums on the very morning parents have a "must make" meeting.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some ideas to help your child get up on time:
  1. Avoid all-nighters. Don't allow your child to wait until the night before a big test to study. Cutting back on sleep the night before a test may mean he performs worse than he would if he had studied less - but got more sleep.
  2. Avoid stimulants. Don't allow beverages with caffeine after 4 PM.
  3. Before bedtime, have them unwind by keeping the lights low. Light signals the brain that it's time to wake up. Staying away from bright lights - including computer screens - as well as listening to soothing music, can help the body relax.
  4. Clothing - down to clean socks, underwear and shoes - should be laid out each night before bed. Youngsters can play a role in choosing the outfit, but no changes are allowed once their head hits the pillow. And, then stick with it! The only exceptions should be an unknown tear or stain, or surprise change in the weather. This avoids missing socks, unmatched shirt and shoes, and keeps getting dressed a simple step in beginning the day vs. a looming battle.
  5. Create the right sleeping environment. Studies show that teens sleep best in a dark room that is slightly on the cool side. Close the blinds or curtains (and make sure they're heavy enough to block out light), and turn down the thermostat in the bedroom (your child can pile on extra blankets or wear PJs if he's cold). 
  6. Designate an area for all essentials that can eliminate the crazed morning syndrome when you're trying to leave. Shoes, backpacks, car keys, cell phones, purses, etc., should be placed in this area every day - always - so they are always in place and ready for action. Keep a cell phone charger in this area so your phone is charged for the day. Not having to hunt down keys or other last-minute essentials is a time and blood pressure saver, for sure!
  7. Don’t allow children to stay up late on weekends. Don't go to sleep more than an hour later or wake up more than 2 to 3 hours later than you do during the week.
  8. Help them relax their mind. Avoid violent, scary, or action movies or television shows right before bed — anything that might set the mind and heart racing. Reading books with involved or active plots may also keep the child from falling or staying asleep.
  9. If you've got more than one kid in the house, and especially if you have a large family, consider staggering wake-up times for greater efficiency. Start with kids who need assistance first, or the ones who are real sleepyheads who move at a snail's pace come mornings.
  10. In the morning, wake kids up with bright light. Bright light in the morning signals to your body that it's time to get going.
  11. It's just not enough to get dressed and eat. How many times have kids missed the bus because they couldn't find their homework or didn't have their backpack put together? If you drive your kids, then put their organized backpacks in the car the night before. Lunches should also be prepared just before bed and easily grabbed from the fridge ready-to-go. Jackets should be in a central location. The "snatch and go" theory really does work in the mornings.
  12. Kids can learn to awaken by an alarm clock and get themselves up without mom or dad hovering and yelling, "Are you up yet?" Let them decide what is the best time for the alarm to go off and get ready on time. If this means Rhonda doesn't get her hair braided or Michael doesn't get second helpings on cereal, encourage them to set their alarm 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. Cause and effect ...it's a good lesson to learn!
  13. One mom swears by weekly breakfast menus. Another mom adheres to cereal and fruit. Yet another has her kids eat the $1 breakfast at school each morning. Breakfast is important, and some experts argue that it is the most important meal of the day. So your kids need a nutritious start each a.m. However, that start shouldn't put parents in a work bind or make kids late for school.
  14. One way to make it easier for kids to get up in the mornings is to create the occasional "kids get up...NOT" day as a reward. If it's a school holiday, lazy weekend opportunity, or just about any reason at all, parents can make a special celebration out of the exception. The "not" day also serves to reinforce the lesson that normal mornings have a schedule and expectation, and that occasionally everyone gets a break from the routine.
  15. Parents really can help to determine whether their kids become morning risers or morning whiners. If parents moan and groan, are always frantic, grumpy and running late themselves, then how can they really expect anything more of their own kids? Good advice is to get up earlier yourself, start that coffee, or do 10 minutes of exercise, and then show that Positive Mental Attitude and really mean it when you greet your kids with "Good Morning!"
  16. Set a regular bedtime. Going to bed at the same time each night signals to the body that it's time to sleep. Waking up at the same time every day can also help establish sleep patterns. So try to stick to a sleep schedule.
  17. Some parents unwittingly set their kids to fail with their morning routines by giving them unexpected chores and duties, which causes whining and a mad rush to end up on time. Consider creating a checklist of what absolutely must be done each morning, and then forget the rest. If you want your child to make his bed every morning, then make that a requirement. However, cleaning the cat box can surely wait until a kid gets home.

If none of the above works – or if you need more tips that do work, don’t hesitate to email me again: Mark Hutten, M.A. - mbhutten@gmail.com


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...