How is it going to work?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

This is Patty and I just purchased your e-book on out of control teens. I have some questions. For online presentations and support do I just go to the website? Do I need a password? How is it going to work? Do I automatically have access? I am confused.

Please let me know thank you.

Patty

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Hi Patty,

For Online Presentations, go to the Online Version of the eBook.

Re: support. There are 3 ways to get support—

1) You can go to the website and type a question in the chat room. If you have questions about medication, direct your question to David McLaughlin, MD. If you have questions about a specific child or adolescent mental disorder, direct your question to Julie Kennedy, Ph.D. Direct all other questions to me. We usually return your chat messages within 24 hours.

2) You can go to the website and type your question in the text box where it reads Post to Online Parent Support Blog. Here you will get feedback from other parents going through much of the same parent-child problems as you.

3) You can email me.

You do not need a password. Just go to the Online Version of the eBook. You'll land on the Contents page. Start with "Introduction."

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I heard two thuds in the house...

Have recently signed up and have been reading and trying to implement some of your ideas. Today was not a good day at all. My son has a fixation on the xbox system and spending money to enhance his game supply. Today while trying to visit my mother who is in the hospital, and taking my father along, (both in their 80's). L originally said he would go for the visit, now refused to go because he did not get his way of wanting me to spend money on a second TV to enhance his X box lan system to show off to his friends what he has. After I said no, and left to pick up my father, outside, I heard two thuds in the house, I've heard these before and knew that he had just busted either the thermostat or the phone off the wall, it was the phone. He denied doing it on purpose… he said he fell going back to his room, tripping on his pj's.

My brother has been trying to see my side of the story for many years as most of the family on both sides say that we have not raised him right. My brother has now seen the light but I still feel he thinks that we are at fault for his disorder. Diagnosis ADHD, ODD, BIPOLAR AND PDD.

Meds have not helped at all although we keep trying to find something to mellow his anger, we are never right and he IS always right, we know nothing, he knows everything. After this episode and talking with my brother as well as L talking to my brother there was no remorse for his behavior or even any thoughts that I missed seeing my mother at the hospital, L’s thoughts of not getting his way took priority over my mother and father. When we brought this up to him he started to feel bad but the TV came right back up to the forefront of the conversation. This lasted for about two hours.

The family consists of me the father, my wife, daughter 16 and L 19, 20 in November. Daughter is an A student and says to get rid of him. I feel that she as lost so much because we have had to put so much time into his bad behavior, wants and needs. It turns my stomach to take him to the hospital as a 302, but every one says I should not have to put up with this type of behavior any more, and let him go residential.

I have been a staunch advocate for L, knowing there is a good side, but 95% of the time I'm running myself ragged and having to put up with his behavior problems that our family life is going to hell.

I'm going to continue to read but ------

Thoughts from you would be helpful.

L.

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Hi L.,

This sounds like all the other stories I hear. You are not alone. In fact, you would shocked to know just how many other parents are going through the same nightmare.

I think the best advice I can give you today is to simply continue to work the program – one week at a time. According to your invoice, you should be digesting Session #2 this week and preparing to implement Session #2 assignments.

Once you get through the four-week program, please email me again with some specific questions.

Thanks,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have hope for the first time in a long time...

Well, D has expressed a desire to go back to his aunt's. He has also done some crying. (That is a good thing) I believe that you can release emotions through anger, and crying. So, he has calmed down some. He is still determined to get back to L's. I explained that he has to finish out his school, and that we have to mend as a family unit. I gave him a small goal of visiting again this weekend. I gave him something to hold onto. I don't want to see him blow his brains out.

I am working on a chore list for all of us. He came upstairs and laid down on my bed and talked to me. I am worried about him struggling with depression. This is not the first time that he has been depressed. Depression also runs in my family, that is why I am calling his pediatrician tomorrow for some direction in that area.

I have hope for the first time in a long time. I have some bumps to deal with along the way, but for the most part, I think we are on the right track.

I know I mentioned military school, but his goal is to become a marine. So, it's not a punishment as it may appear. That is so you can understand where that came from.

Thanks again.

C.

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Today has been a much milder day. That is after we had to insist that he go to school. He was pleasant, we remind him that we love him, and that everything is going to work out. Romans 8:28 We know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, according to His purpose.

Tonight I am handing out household chore list. Putting the past in the past, and looking toward the future. Thanks again

C.

J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for returning my e-mail.

Regarding my previous e-mail about my son going off his medications, he is taking .5 mg risperidone in the morning and 2 mg at bedtime. A well he takes 2 mg of Adderall in the morning. If he still wants to go off of it, would this be a good idea. He said when he comes home he would like to try taking a natural supplement, called "Empower Plus" by Truehope. I'm not sure he has the responsibility yet to work with their counsellors online to do this. I know of this product from two other people who have OCD and bipolar and it has helped them immensely.

I've done the first assignment at this point. To give a little background for this question, J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home which is still part of the Young Offenders to complete his sentence until May 30. On Saturday we received a call from the group home stating that J was returned to the Young Offenders Centre on a disciplinary bounce for up to 15 days for smoking a marijuana joint while he was out on his 15 minute walk. They told me his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and his hoodie smelled strongly of mariuana. Of course, he denied it and made a big fuss...got angry, cried, denied, you have no proof. He was given the choice of them escorting him or the police and he agreed to have them escort him. He called us last night, and still denied that this happened, but that in fact he had bought a joint and had smoked it before but not that time. I said to him, consider you made a mistake and you slipped, learn from it and if you get to go back think about how you would do it differently. He said he definitely wants to go back to AADAC and see a counsellor to help prevent him from slipping. The thing that bugs me, he still isn't taking responsibility for his choice and lying about it. I have no reason to believe that the workers at the group home would lie. He's telling only a half truth. I also told him that it doesn't matter if it was this time or another time the responsibility for your decision is yours. I got the "ya but". How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth. He seems to have a warped perception of circumstances and not only this time. He says things that he feels others want to hear, but I'm not sure he really wants to follow through (that's by his actions)

Also, now that I have started the assignments, I'm trying to use some of the tools and saying things differently. Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home. When he is at the group home, if he's earned it he can go out on a pass with us. He told me on the phone last week that he found it difficult to talk to me because I was acting wierd. I find our situation a little different because he's not at home right now.

The group home staff have suggested to us last week that maybe J won't be ready to come home on May 30 to serve his community supervison at home and we need to have a discussion about that with him. (the judge ordered that children services be involved and find a home for him once his custody is finished). The reason for this is his not willing to follow their rules around the smoking and our rules. He can have permission from us and we've continuously said no. I get the I'm really stressed and smoking is a way to cope and you won't give me that. Its and addiction and I don't understand that. This has been a battle (on the phone) sometimes with him hanging up. I keep telling him the answer is still "no". What I’ve said to J is maybe you won't be ready to come home. He has stated a few times he's coming home on May 30 and I'll say maybe you won't be ready. I'm struggling with this because we do love him, however we cannot not live like we were again. I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

Thanks for you help.

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth?

Don’t “encourage,” simply issue a consequence whenever he’s caught in a lie.

Re: Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home?

Yes.

Re: I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

You’re attempting to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. This is a form of over-indulgence.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep him in the dark. Put it out on the table and be totally honest with him about what’s going on, and preface your “details” by telling him that he is loved unconditionally regardless of how he behaves -- now and forever.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Stepmom Problems

Mark, I have recently found and joined your OPS. I have a 15 yo son that came to live with me when he was 12. His mother is best described as an overindulgent parent. He was also exposed to her habit of distorting the truth to suit her needs. He learned and has told me that no matter whether wrong or right she always gets what she wants. She will go months without calling him. My son will not open up to anyone. He seems to have the traits of a "scapegoat and a lost child". He has approximately 15 of the 20 traits from your Indulgent parent quiz. I am more in line with an authoritarian parent. Needless to say i have made a multitude of mistakes as a parent. I am also a 13-year police officer with a 50/50 mix between patrol and specialized units.

That said the current problem is that my wife (his step mom) and my son have a very contentious and volatile relationship. Saturday while I was asleep my wife got onto my son about something and he announced that he was leaving. She grabbed his bag and told him that he was not taking the items that he had packed. He shoved her and either kicked her in the leg or stepped on her leg.

My wife woke me telling me that he was leaving and that I needed to get a hold of him and that he had pushed her. My immediate response was to try to calm everyone and get the story of what had happened. Instead it was a lot of "I hate her, all she does is ...".and "I'm tired of his crap all he does is cause problems...."

Things got calmed down and I was able to get some of the frustrations lined out. I spent the day trying to come up with a discipline for him later that evening my wife suggested grounding him to his room w/out tv, ipod, cell, etc..

Now she is upset and resents me because she feels that I did not stand up for her by either pushing/attacking him or whipping him. The more she thinks about it and talks to relatives and friends, the more frustrated she gets. I feel that the physical discipline would give him the "reward" that he seeks. I have no problem with corporal punishment, however he seems to genuinely appreciate it. My wife has commented numerous times over the years that she doesn't understand how he acts perfectly normal, even happy after getting a whipping. But now she is upset that I didn’t mete out some type of corporal punishment to him even after the fact, yesterday or today. I feel almost helpless, nothing I have tried has worked and I can't convince my wife that we are doing the right thing now. I know there is a small window to get him turned around and I am afraid of losing another chance.

Click here for my response...