A boy she likes asked her for a b*** job...

Dear Mr. Hutten: I am at wits end about my teenage daughter. I just recently found a notebook that her and her girlfriend have been passing back and forth. She wrote to her girlfriend that a boy she likes asked her for a blowjob do you think he is using me. She is only 12 yrs old she will be 13 in May. I have talked to her continuously regarding that oral sex is sex and all the STD's she could possibly get from this behavior. She said she didn't do anything swears up and down she didn't but the rumor spread around school and also came back to me. Please help me on how to deal with this problem. I can't sleep at night thinking she could possibly do something like this. All the conversations I have had with her thinking I could prevent that she would not get involved with this behavior hasn't worked. I can't trust her anymore. I don't let her run the streets like other children do, I just can't believe this is happening, I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring. Please help me to handle this problem correctly. I appreciate anything you could do for me. Thank You, D.

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He keeps on pushing some limits...

Mark

My son (16) is settling back at home fine now but he keeps on pushing some limits. Although he is not shouting at me or throwing things or going out at the moment, he will not listen to the little things. For example, I said I would pay for his summer ball if he cleaned the following rooms for me in the house and he chose 3 task cards. However, some of the details on the task cards he has not completed and the deadline which was set for him on Wednesday last week was to complete all 3 by Saturday night. He completed 1 full, the 2nd (75%) and left out the last (3rd) as it was to sweep up the front lawn. He said he would do that at night so no one could watch him (neighbours). The consequence for not completing all 3 was that I could cancel the cheque on Monday.

Question: Should I go through with cancelling the cheque tomorrow now.

Overall he is behaving much better this past week and there has been nothing but politeness from him and a good mood. Is this what you would call the “not so important things” or should I follow through and risk a possible breakdown again? Or just have a chat with him. I would really value your advice.

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Re: Should I go through with cancelling the cheque tomorrow now.

If you are seeing some improvement in his overall behavior, then you may want to lower your standards a bit for the short term. But tell him the following: "In the future, if you've been given a set of chores to do -- and you do not complete all of them -- then you will not receive the privilege you have asked for until ALL chores are completed."

Be sure to follow through with this consequence in the event he cheats on his chores again.

Also, please review the info on chores in "The Art of Saying Yes" [session #2 - online version of the ebook] – specifically as it relates to putting time limits on chore completion.

Mark

Online Parent Support

15 yr old daughter holding a lot of anger with her Dad...

Mark-

The problem I have with my 15 yr old daughter is that she also keeps holding a lot of anger especially with her Dad. He has been in and out a few times, either way he has been here now since last July and she still gives him a hard time. Right now I am going to be doing this on my own for now. They are not speaking at the moment. Can I implement this on my own anyway? He knows I am going to attempt it so I don't think he will interfere with it.

I hope they will get back to speaking to each other soon. I think the resentment, anger and forgiveness are difficult for the 2 of them.

Thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

About 90% of OPS members are single moms -- so yes, you can implement this on your own (and you're in good company).

Mark

Online Parent Support

Forgiveness and humbleness does lighten the heart...

Hello Mr. Hutten,

This is G__ from New Jersey writing you again. I joined your online support group this evening and I'm finding it very informative. It's now around 11:18pm and I'm still going through the videos and information for week one. I feel that it's that important. I already feel a sense of control, especially after taking the parent quiz. What an eye opener!

I signed our son up for school counseling this week, prior to joining the online group. I almost wish that I had waited. Hopefully our son will understand that we love him and want only the best for him. Since he is adopted, we know that he has so many questions and at times feels lost. I think that we over compensated for everything.....this is a part of life and this too will run its course.

I look forward to participating in the online groups and getting the CD. It's a lot to absorb....but I feel that it is truly worth the investment.

Thank you and I look forward to communicating with you and letting you know our progress.

Signed....Mom.....without love....what do we have. Forgiveness and humbleness does lighten the heart.

G__ (NJ)

Online Parent Support

He knows he's been spoiled by me...

My son talked to me last night about his future life plans and your program has helped him discover that he really is afraid of growing up and having to become more responsible for himself and his needs. He discussed the fact that he didn't feel ready to go away from home to attend college, but would rather get his feet wet at our community college and stay at home for 2 yrs. before transferring to a big school. He admitted that he knows he's been spoiled by me and that he has to learn to take on his own responsibilities, but the fear is there. What a breakthrough for him. I told him I would support whatever decisions he made as long as they were realistic and he was committed. Knowing/trusting I am here as a safety net has made him feel more confident in moving forward with his life. I think becoming 18 (in Oct.) came a lot quicker than he realized. I know it did for me. I believe because of working your program, just in the nick of time, it has really gotten him to look at himself and begin to prepare for adulthood. Thank you so much.

D.

Online Parent Support

Children Who Set Fires

A child pyromaniac is one who suffers from an impulse-control disorder that is primarily distinguished by a compulsion to set fires in order to relieve built-up tension.

Most young kids are not diagnosed as having pyromania but rather conduct disorders. A key feature of pyromania is repeated association with fire but without a real motive. Pyromania is a very rare disorder and only occurs in about one percent of the population. It can occur in kids as young as three years old.

About ninety percent of the people officially diagnosed with pyromania are male. Pyromaniacs only set about 14% of fires.

Many clinical studies have found that fire setting rarely occurs by itself but usually occurs with other bad behavior. The motives that have recently earned the most attention are pleasure, a cry for help, retaliation against adults, and desire to reunite the family.

It seems like it is a combination of pyromania and bad behavior that initiates fire setting. Fire setting among kids and teenagers can be recurring or periodic. Some kids and teens may set fires often to release tension.

But then there are others that may only seek to set fires during times of great stress. Some of the symptoms of pyromania are depression, conflicts in relationships, and poor ability to cope with stress and anxiety.

The clinician's handbook, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM, gives six standards that must be met for a kid to be officially diagnosed with pyromania.
  1. The kid had to have set more than one fire deliberately
  2. Before setting the fire, the kid must have felt some feelings of tension or arousal
  3. The kid must show that he is attracted to fire and anything related to fire
  4. The kid must feel a sense of relief or satisfaction from setting the fire and witnessing it
  5. The kid does not have other motives like revenge, financial motives, delusions or brain damage for setting the fire
  6. This fire setting problem cannot be attributed to other disorders like anti-social personality disorder or conduct disorders

Even though fire setting and pyromania are more prevalent in kids these standards are hard to apply to their age group. There is not a lot of experience in diagnosing pyromania mainly because of the little experience that health care professionals have with fire setting.

In terms of prevention, education and treatment in Juvenile Fire-setting, the Brandon School and Residential Treatment Center in Natick, MA offers two leading programs in this field. Their Rapid Fire-setting Treatment Program and Intensive Fire-setting Treatment Programs, among the only programs of their kind in the country, lead the Juvenile Fire-setting field in terms of evaluation, research, education and treatment; it is cutting-edge in working to define best practice standards. Furthermore, in collaboration with the Department of Fire Services, Brandon hosts the annual Northeast Juvenile Fire-setting Conference, which brings together the different disciplines impacted by juvenile fire-setting. During this time, social service, fire service, public safety, juvenile justice, education, and mental health professionals attend workshops by national experts to learn how to more effectively intervene in and prevent juvenile fire-setting.

There are many important distinctions between a kid pyromaniac and a kid fire setter. A fire setter is any individual who feels the impulse to set a fire for unusual reasons. A kid pyromaniac has the intent to inflict damage as a result of its fire setting.

Whereas a kid fire setter usually is curious about fire and has the desire to learn more about fire. A kid pyromaniac is more than just a simple fire setter; he is one who has an unusually bizarre impulse or desire to set intentional fires.

Pathological fire setting, pyromania, is when the desire to set fires is repetitive and destructive to people or property. The most important difference between pyromania and fire setting is pyromania is a mental disorder whereas fire setting is a behavior and can be fixed.

Minor or non-severe fire setting is defined as “accidental or occasional fire-starting behavior” by unsupervised kids. Usually these fires are started when a curious kid plays with matches, lighters, or small fires. Juveniles in this minor group average at the most 2.5 accidental fires in their lifetime.

Most kids in this group are between five and ten years of age and don't realize the dangers of playing with fire. Pathological fire setting or pyromania is when the action is “a deliberate, planned, and persistent behavior.” Juveniles in this severe group set about 5.3 fires. Most young kids are not diagnosed as having pyromania but conduct disorders.

There are two basic types of kids that start fires. The first type is the curiosity fire setter who starts the fire just to find out what will happen. The second type is the problem fire setter who usually sets fires based on changes in his environment or because of a pathological reason.

Fire-setting is made up with five subcategories: the curious fire-setter, the sexually motivated fire-setter, the "cry for help" fire-setter, "severely disturbed" group, and the rare form of pyromania. Pyromania usually surfaces in childhood, but there is no conclusive data about the normal age of onset.

Kid pyromaniacs are usually filled with an uncontrollable urge to set fires to relieve tension. Not much is known about what genetically causes pyromania but there have been many studies that have explored the topic.

The causes of fire setting among young kids and youths can be attributed to many factors, which are divided into individual factors, and environmental factors:

Individual Factors:

1. Antisocial behaviors and attitudes: Kids that set fires usually don't only set fires but also commit other crimes or offenses including vandalism, violence, anger, etc.

2. Sensation seeking: Some kids are attracted to fire setting because they are bored and just looking for something to do.

3. Attention seeking: Lighting a fire becomes a way to get back at the adults and in turn to produce a response from the adults

4. Lack of social skills: Some kids simply have not been taught enough social skills. Many of the kids and adolescents that have been discovered setting fires consider themselves to be "loners"

5. Lack of fire-safety skills and ignorance of their danger: For most kids not diagnosed with pyromania this is what drives them. Just natural curiosity and ignorance of the fire's destructive power.

6. Learning problems

7. Parental Problems like separation, neglect, and abuse

Environmental Factors:
  1. Poor supervision by parents or guardians
  2. Watching adults using fire inappropriately at an early age
  3. Parental neglect
  4. Parents abusing drugs or acting violently: This factor has been studied and the conclusions show that fire setters are more likely in homes where the parents abuse them
  5. Peer Pressure
  6. Stressful Life Events: Fire setting becomes a way to cope with crises

There has also been some medical research done that suggests a link to reactive hypoglycemia in the cerebrospinal fluid. Some of the similarities that have been discovered between the two are abnormalities in levels of neurotransmitters norepinephrine and serotonin, which refer to problems in impulse control, and low blood sugars.

If a kid is diagnosed with pyromania there are treatment options even though there has not been enough scientific research on the genetic cause of pyromania especially in such a young age. Studies have shown that kids with repeat cases of setting fires tend to respond better to a case-management approach rather than a medical approach.

The first crucial step for treatment should be parents sitting down with their kid and having a one-on-one interview. The interview itself should try to determine what stresses on the family, methods of discipline, and other factors contribute to the kid's uncontrollable desire to set fires. Some examples of treatment methods are problem-solving skills, anger management, communication skills, Aggression Replacement Training, and cognitive restructuring.

The chances that a kid will recover from pyromania are very slim according to recent studies but there are ways to channel the kid's desire to set fires to relieve tension. When a kid diagnosed with pyromania feels the compulsion to start fire if the parents have suggested alternate ideas such as playing a sport or an instrument there is a chance that a kid can learn how to gain a thin grasp on his irresistible urge to set fires.

Another method of treatment is fire-safety education. But sometimes the best method of treatment is kid counseling or a residential treatment center.

However, since cases of kid pyromania are so rare there has not been enough research done on how successful these treatment methods really are in helping these kids. The most common and effective treatment of pyromania in kids is behavioral modification. The results usually range from fair to poor. Behavioral modification seems to work on kids with pyromaniac tendencies about 95% of the time.

Pervasive developmental disorder...

Mark-

The school has diagnosed my 13 yo w/PDD. Haven't heard of this and have no idea what it is. Please fill me in.

Thanks,

J.

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Hi J.,

The diagnostic category pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), as opposed to specific developmental disorders (SDD), refers to a group of five disorders characterized by delays in the development of multiple basic functions including socialization and communication. The pervasive developmental disorders are:

• Autism, the most commonly known,
• Rett syndrome,
• Childhood disintegrative disorder,
• Asperger syndrome, and
• Pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS), which includes atypical autism.

Parents may note symptoms of PDD as early as infancy and typically onset is prior to three years of age. PDD itself does not affect life expectancy.

There is a division among doctors on the use of the term PDD. Many use the term PDD as a short way of saying PDD-NOS. Others use the general category label of PDD because they are hesitant to diagnose very young kids with a specific type of PDD, such as autism. Both approaches contribute to confusion about the term, because the term PDD actually refers to a category of disorders and is not a diagnostic label.

PDD-NOS is often incorrectly referred to as simply “PDD.” The term PDD refers to the class of conditions to which autism belongs. PDD is not itself a diagnosis, while PDD-NOS is a diagnosis. To further complicate the issue, PDD-NOS can also be referred to as “atypical personality development,” “atypical PDD,” or “atypical Autism”.

Because of the "NOS", which means "not otherwise specified", it is hard to describe what PDD-NOS is, other than it being an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Some people diagnosed with PDD-NOS are close to having Asperger syndrome, but do not quite fit. Others have near full fledged autism, but without some of its symptoms. The psychology field is considering creating several subclasses within PDD-NOS.

Symptoms of PDD may include communication problems such as:

• Difficulty using and understanding language
• Difficulty relating to people, objects, and events; for example, lack of eye contact or pointing behavior
• Unusual play with toys and other objects
• Difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings
• Repetitive body movements or behavior patterns

Autism, a developmental brain disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication skills, and limited range of activities and interests, is the most characteristic and best studied PDD. Other types of PDD include Asperger's syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, Rett syndrome, and PDD not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS).

Kids with PDD vary widely in abilities, intelligence, and behaviors. Some kids do not speak at all, others speak in limited phrases or conversations, and some have relatively normal language development. Repetitive play skills and limited social skills are generally evident as well. Unusual responses to sensory information – loud noises, lights – are also common.

Diagnosis is usually done during early childhood. Some clinicians use PDD-NOS as a "temporary" diagnosis for kids under the age of 5, when for whatever reason there is a reluctance to diagnose autism. There are several justifications for this: very young kids have limited social interaction and communication skills to begin with, therefore it can be tricky to diagnose milder cases of autism in toddlerhood. The unspoken assumption is that by the age of 5, unusual behaviors will either resolve or develop into diagnosable autism. However, some parents view the PDD label as no more than a euphemism for autism spectrum disorders, problematic because this label makes it more difficult to receive aid for Early Childhood Intervention.

There is no known cure for PDD. Medications are used to address certain behavioral problems; therapy for kids with PDD should be specialized according to the youngster's specific needs.

Some kids with PDD benefit from specialized classrooms in which the class size is small and instruction is given on a one-to-one basis. Others function well in standard special education classes or regular classes with support. Early intervention, including appropriate and specialized educational programs and support services play a critical role in improving the outcome of individuals with PDD. PDD is very commonly found in individuals and especially in kids with the range of 2 to 5 years of age. These signs can be easily detected within the classroom settings, home, etc.

Mark

Online Parent Support

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...