Son Won't Come Home On Weekends

Dear Mark,

Can you please help me manage this situation? My son is 15 and will not come home at the weekends. I said to him that the rule is to be home at weekends by 11.30 and he is not to stay out, unless I am happy who he is staying with and have spoken to the parents. The consequence of this is no pocket money at all. It doesn’t seem to matter to him… he is probably stealing money or stuff anyway. He is using hash and has got very abusive in the home. Now I get a text from him saying he is staying in a friend’s house that I don’t know and will not give me the number. He will not come back now until Sunday. I don’t know what else to do. The money doesn’t seem to matter.

He is in trouble with the police, has changed his friends to hash friends, is aggressive and has thrashed the house. My mother is sick down the country and will not come down with me to visit her which means I can’t leave the city to visit.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

P.

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“Situational Runaways” are the largest group of runaways, comprised of young people who leave home for a day or two after a disagreement with parents – or for the weekend. Although they may be seen in runaway shelters or spend a brief time on the street, they usually return home within a few days. A small percentage may repeat this behavior and remain away for longer periods. If so, they become a part of the chronic runaway group. The suburban kid who runs to a friend's house the first time may turn into a chronic runaway who eventually finds his way to the heart of the nearby city, where other rootless kids hang out.

As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door. The phrase I use, "There are no bars on these windows, and the doors only lock people out." This is harsh, and I know it, but it also very much the truth. As a parent I can be a safety net, a tool box, and an emotional punching bag, but I refuse to be a chain.

Unfortunately we can’t completely prevent teens from running away, but here are a few suggestions that may help:

• Call the police. You don't have to wait 24 hours to report a missing minor. Be aware that because this is considered a common domestic issue, finding runaways is not always a priority for the police department unless your child is under 13 or there is reason to believe that he or she is in immediate danger. You'll need to do most of the footwork yourself. However, the police will keep watch and return your child to you if he or she is found. It's also important to file a report in case you are unable to find your child or a situation arises where help is needed.

• Call your child's friends. Your teen may still be in contact with them. It's especially important to remain calm when you speak to them. Otherwise, they may not be willing to help. Speak to the parents, as well. They may be able to give you other phone numbers to call. Ask them to contact you if they hear anything.

• Don’t scream and yell, or threaten your teen, this will only make them want to leave more.

• Go through your child's bedroom. Look through notebooks and drawers. Your child may have left a note behind. There may also be addresses and phone numbers. Visit the addresses and call the phone numbers if you haven't already.

• Remain calm. This is probably the most difficult thing to do when your teen runs away, but it's important. Keeping your emotions in check will make it easier to stay efficient and organized. You'll also need help from other people and they'll be more willing and open if you remain calm.

• Try not to interrupt your teenager when they do come to you to talk, sometimes it helps the most to just listen. If you don’t agree with your child at least listen to their side, then calmly give your side, if things start to get out of control, take a break.

• Try showing your teen respect and keep communication open, listening to what they have to say.

If you really want to put a lid on this situation, click on the link below!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Trials of Being a Stepmother

There's no doubt that being a stepmother is one of the most difficult roles any adult will ever assume. So much pain can be avoided if you can agree on some very basic definitions of that role, and be alert to sensitivities with it.

To handle this situation with the utmost efficiency, both the biological parent and the stepmother should begin with an open and candid discussion about the fears and expectations regarding the relationship with the kids. Each should know what the other expects concerning the stepmother's involvement in guiding, supervising and disciplining the kids. Once you understand what each other's expectations are, you have a place to start shaping what the stepmother role will be. I always think it's important to first identify what you can agree on and thereby narrow your differences. How you ultimately define the stepmother role will, of course, be up to you. The following are my recommendations based on what I've seen work, what I've seen fail and how I think it's best to set up and define the stepmother role:

1. If you as a biological parent are having frustrations with the stepparent and what they're doing in relation to your kids, I encourage you at a very early point to stop complaining and start specifically asking for what you want and need. If, for example, you feel they're spending more time playing games with their kids, ask them specifically, for example, to play three board games per week with your youngster. Specifically ask for what you specifically want.

2. If you're the stepmother in a truly blended family, where both you and your spouse have kids being merged into a "yours, mine and ours" scenario, you must take great care not to be perceived as playing favorites through a double standard in which your kids enjoy a better standard of treatment than your step children. The truth is, however unpopular or politically incorrect it may be to say, you'll very likely have decidedly stronger positive emotional feelings for your biological kids than for your step children, at least in the beginning. You'll need to cloak this difference in emotional intensity. As time goes on and you share life experiences with your step children, there will be a leveling of emotions toward all of the kids. In the meantime, you should be hypersensitive to the need to deal with each in a like fashion. It can be very helpful in the early stages to actually quantify and balance the time, activities and money spent on biological and non-biological kids.

3. In relating to all the kids, the stepparent should seek to define her relationship as that of an ally and supporter. Whether the stepparent is the same or opposite-sexed parent, their presence can play an important balancing role in terms of modeling and information-giving about life from the male or female point of view. The role of ally and supporter is in no way to be construed as an attempt to replace the biological parent.

4. It's important that the stepmother not have unrealistic expectations about their level of closeness or intimacy with the step children. Relationships are built, and it takes time and shared experiences to create a meaningful one. The stepmother should also be aware that the youngster may be experiencing a fair amount of emotional confusion — and may in fact feel guilty that they're betraying their biological mother by having a close and caring relationship with their stepmother. Great care and patience should be taken to allow the youngster an opportunity to work through those feelings.

5. It's my strong belief that unless you as the stepmother are added to the family when the kids are very young, it will most likely be very difficult for you to discipline your spouse's kids. Every situation is different, but in most situations, disciplining your non-biological kids is fraught with danger, since it's likely to create resentment on the part of your spouse. Again, this isn't always the case, and if that's not the circumstance in your family, that's great, because it can give the biological parent an additional resource for handling discipline issues. While I don't believe it's very likely a workable situation for a stepmother to be a direct disciplinarian, it's extremely important that the stepmother be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house and negotiate an agreement for what standards the kids will be held to. This element of family life should be subject to the same negotiation and joint ownership as any other family situation.

6. The stepmother should actively support the youngster's relationship with the biological mother no longer in the home. If you are in the role of stepmother, you should make it a priority to nurture a relationship between you and the biological mother and to find every possible way you can to support a relationship between her and her kids. By taking the high road of facilitation, you'll find it easier to overcome feelings of resentment both on the part of the biological mother and the kids she no longer has daily access to. This may require some real internal commitment on your part, because supporting your step children's relationship with their biological but absent parent may seem tantamount to also supporting that parent's relationship with your spouse. Don't let jealousy or envy of the bond they share with their kids or the working relationship and history with your current mate because you to be less than supportive of that relationship.

7. The stepmother, although not actively initiating direct discipline, should certainly work to maintain the normal boundaries that exist between an adult and a youngster. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers an initial consequence for misbehavior, it's important that the stepmother be active in support of that decision, and care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepmother be given. In other words, a stepfather is not simply one's mother's husband. He is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home.

In summary, let me say it's true that it's difficult to see things through someone else's eyes if you haven't walked in their shoes. Whether you're the stepparent or it's your spouse who's in that role, talk frequently about how it's going and what the experience is from the other's point of view. If both of you have good intentions and a loving heart, this can be worked out. The key is to remember that the kids are passengers on this train. They didn't get an opportunity to choose whether they wanted a new family member, so great care and patience should be taken to help them adapt to the situation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Brother Bullies Younger Sibs

Dear Mark,

We have greatly benefited from your online parenting book and we have watched you on YouTube. Our son aged 10 [will be 11 in May] has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. We have 4 other children, and we try to run a loving but disciplined home. Though my son is not out of control, he is very aggressive and rude from the off, without any provocation. We feel very undermined because of his behaviour, especially in front of the other children. I feel very sad and depressed when he behaves like this, which is most of the time. He bullies his younger siblings, and causes a great deal of tension and unhappiness at home. The autism is the reason for his lack of social skills but why is he so angry, unhelpful and unpleasant in an environment that is mild mannered? Is it because he is a bad tempered person who happens to have autism and ADHD?

Click here for my response...

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When Kids Won't Go To School

"How do I get my 10-year-old daughter to school? She seems to have stomach aches or headaches constantly, and misses several days of school each week. When we tell her she must go – she screams and cries and seems to be genuinely afraid of going to school. What can we do?"

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You need to be firm with her. Don't count on the problem going away if you ignore it. She could end up not ever going back. However, don't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real.

You need to find out what is troubling her. It could be school phobia ( a fear of school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or the home) or agoraphobia (fear of crowds and public places). These are all very real disorders.

If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.

Take her to the doctor for a complete physical examination. Tell the doctor the whole story and ask him to rule out any serious illnesses.

If he rules out an illness, then believe what he says. Don't have a lot of expensive tests. Assume that your youngster is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options;

First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.

The second option is to believe her. Since she says she is too unwell to go to school, then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house. If she is sick then she is sick, and so she goes to bed: lights off, curtains closed, no TV, no special snacks. Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine. Make sure that the option of staying home is boring. If she is not sleeping then, ideally she should be doing some school work. Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her.

You can also establish some rewards for going to school.

Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.

Kids with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a youngster has been home for awhile, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

Kids who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the “illness” might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school. Some kids may have crying spells or temper tantrums.

Kids with school refusal may worry about the safety of their moms and dads or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Kids who are truant (or “playing hooky”) are not scared to go to school the way kids with school refusal are. The table below compares some of the characteristics of school refusal and truancy.

School refusal:

• The youngster usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.
• The youngster might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school.
• The youngster is unreasonably scared of going to school.

Truancy:

• The youngster chooses not to go to school.
• The youngster may have antisocial behaviors such as delinquency, lying, and stealing.
• The youngster skips school and doesn't tell his or her parent.

Take your youngster to the doctor. Anxiety or a physical illness might be causing the problem. You also should talk to your youngster's teacher or school counselor. Your youngster's doctor will be able to rule out any illness that may be causing the problem.

Unreasonable fears about leaving home can be treated. Moms and dads must keep trying to get their youngster to go back to school. Your youngster's doctor may want your youngster to talk to a psychologist, social worker, or youngster psychiatrist. The doctor also might prescribe medicine to help with your youngster's anxiety.

The longer your youngster stays out of school, the harder it will be to return. The goal of treatment is to help your youngster learn ways to reduce anxiety and return to school.

Kids who do not go to school for long periods may develop serious learning setbacks or social problems. Kids who do not get professional help might have emotional problems such as anxiety when they get older. Early treatment of this problem is important for your youngster's well-being.

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Son Refuses To Go To School

Terrible morning... my 15 yr. old missed the bus AGAIN. I told him that if he missed again he would have to walk (about 1 mile). He refused and went to his room. I tried to get him to go but he refused. Told him this was unacceptable and ended up driving him part of the way. What do I do now? He has had his phone and ipod taken away already.

Click here for my response...

Stepson Problems

Hello Mark,

First of all, thanks for being there. This is a scary and lonely time.

My problem is that my teen is a step-son- he came to live with us at 14- Bio Mom is addicted to pain meds, and was neglectful, letting him be a "free spirit" as she calls it. When we got him, he was failing at school....basically all of the issues you address. My husband WON’T follow thru with any discipline, and continues to let the tail wag the dog. My son is now 9, and I will do whatever I need to keep him off the path my step son has chosen. I have no support, voice etc with my stepson’s actions, behavior, etc. How can I minimize the damaging effects on my 9 yr old? I don’t want to leave, but also want to keep my son on the right path-- any resources for step parents who don’t get back-up?

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Being a step parent has unique challenges that are not present in other family situations. To create a happily blended family, you must balance respect and love, discipline and understanding. In this article, you will learn what it takes to create a happy home environment for your blended family.

When a single woman with kids marries a single man with kids, this union should be viewed as more than the union of husband and wife—it is the joining of two different cultures. Each family is a tribe unto itself and if this union is to work, each step parent must respect the others' family dynamics. Family dynamics can be as different as night and day. This is why you must come to grips with the idea that you have two different tribes living in your house.

So how does this work in a blended family? Before I answer that, take this first bit of step parenting advice and appreciate the power of the birth family. Recognize that your spouse is probably always going to be closer to his kids than yours. Know that if you constantly criticize your spouse's kids, you are creating the beginning of the end. Blood loyalties are usually stronger than marital ties. Although this may change over time—and one day, you may feel as close to your step kids as your own—the process takes time and experience and only occurs when a supportive, loving environment has been created.

The next important bit of step parenting advice is to respect your spouse's family dynamics. For instance, you may have a rigid children-do-not-talk-back rule in your family, while your spouse may be willing to listen to what his kids have to say and open to negotiation. If you try to impose your rules on your step children, especially when they are rules they did not grow up with, they will rebel. When this happens, they may use their father's love for them to drive a wedge between you. It happens subtly at first and you may not notice what is happening, until it is too late. Although you are the adult and you have more power, never underestimate the power of a youngster. Where possible, try to compromise parenting styles, as long as you both agree to help each other act from this compromise.

If a situation escalates, allow your spouse to discipline his own kids, while you attend to yours. When he is disciplining his kids, refrain from joining in or agreeing through words or body language. Be a silent bystander, so the youngster won't feel that the adults are ganging up on him.

Sometimes, kids of divorce have been enabled by the parents because unconsciously, they feel guilty. If you have a child or children in your home who seem to be constantly angry and lash out at others, consider a learn-at-home behavioral program that has shown to help.

The next piece of step parenting advice may seem odd to you—expect your step children to hate you. When I say "expect," I don't mean that you should turn expectations into reality, but that you must understand that kids of divorce usually want nothing more than their birth parents to get back together. Regardless of how you met your spouse, on some level, your step children may hate you and blame you for her parents being apart.

The youngster may also fear that you are trying to replace her mother. Assure her that you are not. Realize that in the youngster's eyes, you may never be considered as more than an aunt. Accept this role graciously. If your step child does like you, she may also feel conflicted. She may feel that expressing love toward you is tantamount to betraying her mother.

Step parenting advice: rather than focusing on the conflicts in your home (and there will be conflicts), invest your energy in creating good times. During the good times when everyone is happy, bonded and relaxed, you can gently and positively bring up the difficulties and ask your kids, step children and spouse what each person in the family can do to help resolve the problem. In this way, you make everyone feel that they are part of the solution.

When you need something, ask for it, rather than complaining and criticizing others for not giving it to you. If you ask, people will be more receptive and responsive, than if you harp on them. This is a good piece of advice for any family, blended or not.

Perhaps the most important piece of step parenting advice is to strive to be more reflective, insightful, compassionate and humane. Focus on the areas in which you need to grow as a parent and a human being and your kids and step children will follow your lead.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Daughter Dating Boy with Bad Reputation

Our daughter is 16. Last year was a difficult year. My daughter was disrespectful at home and at school. She had social problems at school and was involved in some fighting. Her grades suffered. This year our relationships at home have improved greatly. She is trying hard to control her anger because she sees it gets her nowhere (thanks to your program and the "poker face" tip). She is still struggling academically, but there is less drama at school. She is respectful to her teachers and has been trying hard not to get in fights with her peers. Because of your tip on using an online monitoring program I have been able to keep track of what she is up to. She has not been perfect by any means, but for the most part she is staying out of trouble and I must say it appears that she is mostly honest with us. I heard her make the comment the other day "my parents always find out everything, it is so annoying". But she said it light heartedly.

Here is our current problem. In December, she started "dating" a 19yr.old boy. This boy does not have a good reputation. He has been in trouble with the law. Just this week he was arrested twice for getting into fights. Of course, our daughter swears they were not his fault. I've been told that the boy is somewhat mentally handicapped and is teased about being "stupid". My oldest son has confirmed that this is true but says the boy does not know when to shut up and is constantly getting in fights and getting beat up. We were leery of her dating him to begin with and should have put a stop to it immediately, but because her behavior has been so much better, we did not. She is never with him when these incidents occur. In fact, she is only allowed to see him when she is supervised. After this last incident, we decided we do not want her to see him at all. We told her that even though he is good to her, the fact that he has a violent part to him could put her in danger. For two hours last night and two more hours today, she has been in a rage using every tactic she could to get us to change our mind. I wasn't sure whether to call the police or take her straight to the hospital. She threatened to run away and to kill herself. She admits that she is very depressed and will go for help- but only if we allow her to see him.

This is what I proposed to her:

• She could see him one time during the week and that would be Sunday. We would pick him up and they would both go to church with us and then he could spend the afternoon.

• She can talk to him on the phone.

• She has to show us some improvement in her school work.

• She must agree to some counseling to help her with her depression and her obsession with having a boyfriend.

• He would have to stay out of trouble.

Are we crazy for even considering this???? I have to say, I don't know him very well at all and am not sure I want him around our family. But as a Christian I feel we need to give him a chance and maybe make a difference in his life. Everyone else thinks we're nuts.

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