Teens and Cults

My daughter's circle of friends has a leader who is a self proclaimed anarchist, is very well read and loves being the center of attention. Since my daughter met him, she has lost all her humour and individuality - almost like she's been brainwashed into a cult of sorts. She hangs on this guy’s every word. Some of the other kid’s parents even think he's really cool, but all I see is that he turned my daughter against us.

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"I want my son back..."

Hello Mark, When everything I've tried failed, I started digging deeper into your program (about 85% complete but still reiterating). I found the section on ODD & CD, which I believe is present to some degree, especially the CD; probably mild to moderate substance abuse (weed, booze & grandmas prescriptions). I even heard he has been "dealing", but cannot find any proof, like a stash or cash, so I question (but do not reject the possibility of) him dealing. There are a lot of kids here on weekends, which seems normal.

He is popular at school, could do better and has issues with only one teacher that I know of. I met her, and well, I don't care for her either to be honest. We are always on alert, especially when anything is confiscated (old bottle of whiskey) from his room or the smell of smoke under a heavy blanket of cologne. He in no uncertain terms asked for the bottle(s) back. I looked him in the eye and said "And I want my son back". I was positive it would lead to another episode of a wall getting kicked clear through, so I called his cousin (who has semi-recovered from the same issues) and asked if he would come up for a surprise visit (distraction).

It didn't work out, my son took off ...probably suspecting I was behind it. He came home later and went to bed, no damage done. He will not speak to me, let alone listen to anything I have to say. Chores, ha. There's a better chance of Obama turning Republican and saying Bush was my mentor.

I also suspect (but have no proof) that the neighbor (who is about 38 years old) is somehow involved with more than a friendly ear. There is good reason to believe there's "something up", but I don't want to go there or insinuate anything without reasonable/absolute proof. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. I need an approach.

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*** My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents ***

Teens and Grief

I'm not sure who's more out of control, my 14 yo daughter or me. She does schoolwork, but not to her G-d given ability, picks fights when anything is asked of her, and while she has begun with a new therapist, she is defiant and angry beyond words.

She's lost her uncle, father and both paternal grandparents in the last 3 years: she says she doesn't sleep and she wants a psychiatrist and pill to make things better. I know that she is hurting, but the lashing out has me at my wit's end.

She is only civil to me if she wants something, and "doesn't care" about anything or anyone - or so she says.

She's lost her computer privileges for backtalk. She's lost her guitar because she is up all hours of the night keeping me awake and not getting sleep. As a solo parent, I have reached the end of my rope.

Suggestions?

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Each year thousands of teens experience the death of someone they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, adolescents feel the overwhelming loss of someone who helped shape their fragile self-identities. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.

Caring grown-ups can help adolescents during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain that comes from caring deeply for others.

Many Adolescents Are Told To “Be Strong”. Sad to say, many grown-ups who lack understanding of their experience discourage adolescents from sharing their grief. Bereaved adolescents give out all kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as they are doing better than they really are. When a parent dies, many adolescents are told to “be strong” and “carry on” for the surviving parent. They may not know if they will survive themselves let alone be able to support someone else. Obviously, these kinds of conflicts hinder the “work of mourning”.

Relationship Conflicts May Exist. As adolescents strive for their independence, relationship conflicts with family members often occur. A normal, though trying way in which adolescents separate from their moms and dads is by going through a period of devaluation. If a parent dies while the adolescent is emotionally and physically pushing the parent away, there is often a sense of guilt and “unfinished business”. While the need to create distance is normal we can easily see how this complicates the experience of mourning.

Support May Be Lacking. Many people assume that adolescents have supportive friends and family who will be continually available to them. In reality, this may not be true at all. The lack of available support often relates to the social expectations placed on the teen. They are usually expected to be “grown up” and support other members of the family, particularly a surviving parent and/or younger brothers and sisters. Many adolescents have been told, “now, you will have to take care of your family.” When an adolescent feels a responsibility to “care for the family”, he or she does not have the opportunity—or the permission to mourn. Sometimes we assume that teenagers will find comfort from their peers. But when it comes to death, this may not be true. It seems that unless friends have experienced grief themselves, they project their own feelings of helplessness by ignoring the subject of loss entirely.

Teen Years Can Be Naturally Difficult. Adolescents are no longer children, yet neither are they grown-ups. With the exception of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence. Leaving the security of childhood, the adolescent begins the process of separation from moms and dads. The death of a parent or sibling, then, can be a particularly devastating experience during this already difficult period. At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved, he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While adolescents may begin to look like “men” or “women”, they will still need consistent and compassionate support as they do the work of mourning, because physical development does not always equal emotional maturity.

Adolescents May Experience Sudden Deaths. The grief that adolescents experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.

As we have discussed, there are many reasons why healthy grieving can be especially difficult for teenagers. Some grieving adolescents may even behave in ways that seem inappropriate or frightening. Be on the watch for:

• academic failure or indifference to school-related activities
• denying pain while at the same time acting overly strong or mature
• deterioration of relationships with family and friends
• risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, and sexual experimentation
• symptoms of chronic depression, sleeping difficulties, restlessness and low self esteem

To help an adolescent who is having a particularly hard time with his or her loss, explore the full spectrum of helping services in your community. School counselors, church groups and private therapists are appropriates resources for some young people, while others may just need a little more time and attention from caring adults like you. The important thing is that you help the grieving teen find safe and nurturing emotional outlets at this difficult time.

How grown-ups respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way adolescents react to the death. Sometimes adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so, young people will be spared some of the pain and sadness. However, the reality is very simple: adolescents grieve anyway.

Adolescents often need caring grown-ups to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies. They also usually need help understanding that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever. When ignored, adolescents may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

Peer support groups are one of the best ways to help bereaved adolescents heal. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. In this setting most will be willing to acknowledge that death has resulted in their life being forever changed. You may be able to help adolescents find such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.

Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an adolescent. As a result of this death, the teen’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen. Caring grown-ups need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.

For caring grown-ups, the challenge is clear: teenagers do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice—to help or not to help adolescents cope with grief.

With love and understanding, grown-ups can support adolescents through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of an adolescent’s personal growth and development.

 

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Son Is Verbally Abusive

Mark,

Thanks for your prompt response, the most pressing for now is for him not to be very loud and verbally abusive at home (FYI-My son is 6 ft tall and I'm 5"3. and it is very intimidating at times). Also, I want him to be self-reliant. I totally get your topic on that. We've very sensible about that until 2 yrs ago that I was a bit indulgent with them. I guess I was over compensating for the loss of their father and I put that to an end and explained to them our priorities.

My question Mark with your experience, do I have a chance to turn him around? Every counselor that I consulted, their advise is for him to go to counseling, w/o telling me how to effectively convince him how can I persuade him without being controlling and he thinks kids who go to counseling have head problem. I just want him to be responsible and accountable for his actions.

Gratefully,

C.

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

18-year-old daughter is threatening to move out...

Question

My 18 year old daughter is dating a 21 year old guy with no job, not in school. He has been on his own since 16 …mom was a drug abuser. My daughter has graduated from high school and is now attending community college and living at home. She says she can't live by our rules anymore. She has already spent 2 nights in the past month with him at a friend's house (he is sleeping on the couch because he has no place of his own.) She keeps saying she wants to be on her own and is threatening to move.

WE have told her that if she moves out she can't take her car. She also will be on her own financially. She says if we take her car, then we are jeopardizing her future b/c she will have no way to get to class! We told her no, she is jeopardizing her future. She suffers from depression, ADD, asthma, irritable bowel. She is on many meds. I can't imagine what would happen if she was on her own. How would she afford her meds? Illegal activity would be a big possibility. I don't want to drive her to this. We have taken her to therapists and then she refuses to go after a few sessions. I feel like I am at my wit's end with nowhere to turn.

Answer

Let her go and learn some valuable life lessons!

Your daughter declares she is going to move out and be on her own. She does not need curfews or your advice. So, what do you do since talking endlessly and arguing has not been productive? You say, "O.K.", and leave her standing mouth agape and in shock. However, you did not arrive at this decision lightly. You and your spouse have discussed this thoroughly and you have agreed on a plan.

Once the initial shock has sunk in, and before the child begins her celebration of freedom, you sit down and lay out the terms of this agreement. This is not a total free-for-all (contrary to her belief). In reality, you are still in charge and she needs to understand that her desire for freedom comes with responsibility. This is the time to draft a behavior contract, which stipulates what you will - and will not - do as the parent, what she is - and is not - allowed to do as the adult-child, and what the consequences are in those cases she violates any terms of the contract.

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