How To Keep Your Teen From "Dropping Out" Of School

Dropping out of school has become a serious problem for many teenagers today. Your son or daughter may think of dropping out for various reasons. If your teenager drops out, he/she is likely to be under-employed -- or unemployed -- in the future.

Here are some helpful pointers to prevent your adolescent from dropping out before it is too late:

1. Concentrate on your teen's goals instead of focusing on why he/she is unsuccessful in school. Have your teen (a) identify goals, (b) develop a list of school, home, and personal barriers to reaching those goals, and (c) devise strategies to overcome the barriers.

2. Consider alternative school settings. Options include magnet schools, alternative schools, charter schools, work-based learning programs, career academies, and general educational development (GED) programs. Include your adolescent in all discussions with school personnel.

3. Encourage your adolescent to seek out extracurricular activities or employment to develop positive relationships and have success outside of a classroom setting. Many schools provide after-school and summer programs that cultivate new interests. Encourage your teen to participate in at least one extra-curricular activity at school. These activities can help your teen feel part of the group, important to the school, and more motivated.

4. Keep track of the credits your teen needs to graduate, beginning in his/her freshman year.

5. Help your teen explore career options and find out what kind of education is needed to be successful in those careers.

6. Identify goals. What interests your teen? What is your teen good at? Technical training or two-year community college programs are appropriate paths to meeting employment goals. If attending a four-year college is the way to reach your adolescent's vocational goal, put steps in place to make this happen.

7. If you suspect your teen has a problem with drugs or alcohol, contact the school guidance counselor or a substance abuse counselor, help line, or an appropriate organization for information and advice.

8. In some cases, a tutor can help a teen who has fallen behind or who has missed important concepts.

9. Know your teen's friends and their families.

10. Beginning in his/her freshman year, let educators know that you want to be contacted immediately if your teen has problems with homework or behavior.

11. Let your adolescent know that people who earn a high school diploma are likely to earn twice as much each year compared to those who don't have a high school diploma or equivalency.

12. Limit the time your teen watches television and plays video games to no more than one or two hours each day.

13. Find out if your school district has a homework hotline that high school students can call for help.

14. Monitor school attendance. If your teen is skipping school, it may be a warning sign that he/she is having trouble. Also, monitor your adolescent's school performance. Periodically check in with his/her educators to find out how things are going.

15. Sometimes, a teen's personality may clash with that of the teacher or another student. Meet directly with the teacher to determine if there is a problem or misunderstanding. In some cases, everyone may benefit if you request that your teen be transferred to a different classroom.

Graduating from high school is a cornerstone of future success. By staying involved, focusing on individual strengths, finding the right school setting, and holding high expectations, moms and dads can help their teens graduate and prepare for successful adulthood.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Separation and Individuation in Your Teenage Daughter

A good portion of your daughter’s behavior during adolescence is part of a normal developmental process called “separation and individuation.” 

A teenager’s need to identify with her peer group starts to take precedence over her sense of identification with parents and family. This usually concludes with complete separation and independence by age 18 or 20.

You can make your daughter’s transition to adulthood smoother and more navigable if you keep the following suggestions in mind:

1. Though easier said than done, parents need to reassess their own motives. For example:

• Are you afraid of letting go and seeing her make mistakes on her own?
• Do you have a hidden emotional need that you’re expecting her to fulfill?
• Is it possible that you have selfish motives for wanting your daughter to stay close to you?

If so, you need to realize that these are your problems, not hers.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

2. Find a way to embrace and affirm the shift that’s occurring in your daughter’s outlook (i.e., allow for separation while simultaneously helping her to realize that she’s wanted at home, too). It’s better to bend with the winds of change than snap under their pressure. Since her friends are so important to her, start thinking in terms of encouraging her to develop a positive social life and form healthy friendships. You can’t actually pick her peer group for her, of course, but you can increase her chances of making good choices by shaping her environment (e.g., help her get involved with a church youth group, or participate in sports, music or drama, etc.).

3. Give your daughter good advice regarding choosing appropriate friends. For example:

• "Avoid been around negative people who will only put you down or pressure you to get involved with gangs and drugs etc. Instead choose friends that will have a positive effect toward your life …ones with solid character traits like honesty, intelligence, loyalty, and dedication. When you find that person, cherish and seek camaraderie with them -- they are a gift in your life."
• "Don’t assume everyone you come across in life will become a good friend of yours because they have been nice to you a few times, have a great personality, or share mutual interest with you. Getting the opportunity to meet that type of person is just the beginning of the friendship building process. Believe it or not, the majority of people in your life are only associates or acquaintances – not true friends!"
• "Don’t rush when choosing friends, or you’ll likely end-up labeling an associate as a friend. Keep in mind that there is a thin line between associates and friends. Confusing an associate for a friend can leave you feeling disappointed later."

4. Host activities for your daughter’s friends (e.g., throw a back-to-school party, or organize a summer barbeque, etc.). This will provide you with a window into your daughter’s peer group as well as a discreet and relaxed opportunity to chaperone her interaction with friends.

5. Encourage her to invite friends to take part in family events. While there’s certainly a place for “family-only” activities, there’s no reason why you can’t devise additional outings of a more inclusive nature. If you go on a ski trip, let her bring a couple of girlfriends along. She’ll be less resistant to family outings if you design them to be more attractive from her point of view.

6. Consider making your home a place where your daughter and her friends want to hang-out. That may mean having exciting videos around, fun activities, and lots of food. This probably means you will have to add the food for 3 -5 teenagers to your monthly food bill, but you are getting away easy. You at least know what your daughter is doing and with whom she is with. Piece of mind is worth a lot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Rewards vs. Bribes: Which one is better?

Many moms and dads describe interactions with their children in which they promised all kinds of special privileges in exchange for good behavior. 

Moms and dads end up feeling as though they are desperately bribing their kids to comply, and their children can come to expect something extra for simply doing a couple daily chores, which can in turn lead to a huge “sense of entitlement.”

So, what’s the difference between a reward and a bribe, and which one is better?

Rewards celebrate positive behavior. A promised treat for going beyond expectations or a surprise for excellent behavior is a reward. It should never become common, or your youngster will discover that withholding the positive behavior will generate promises of larger rewards. The goal is to reinforce the good to encourage positive behaviors even when there is no likelihood for reward. Rewards are positive responses to positive behavior to motivate future good behavior.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Using a reward for good behavior is no different than collecting a paycheck. Does your employer bribe you to do the work you do every day? Probably not. Your employer plans to reward or compensate you for the work you plan to do for them. Your future paycheck is the motivation for your current work. The effective use of rewards is quite different from bribery, because you are compensating your youngster for his good behavior, rather than being manipulated and extorted.

Bribes reward negative behavior. Whether that is actual behavior or anticipated behavior, bribes provide a reward for it. If you use a treat to end or preempt bad actions, you are bribing your child. Bribes are rewards for negative behavior, real or anticipated, that only serve to encourage more bad behavior in the future. It’s helpful to think of bribing kids as essentially rewarding them for something they haven’t yet delivered. When comparing it to the adult world, it’s like an employer paying an employee to carry out work that they “might” do.

If your 4-year-old is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, and you promise him candy to stop, you have just bribed him – and taught him that the “reward” for a public tantrum is candy. This is reinforcing negative behavior, which will only escalate in the future. In your child’s mind, he’s thinking “if a temper tantrum earns me a candy bar, what will I get for hitting mom with a can of pork ‘n beans …maybe a chocolate cake?!”

Attempting to stop your youngster’s bad behavior by offering a bribe may actually seem like it’s working for the moment. He acts-out …you bribe him to stop …and he stops (based on the promise of a special privilege). But afterward, the parent is left feeling manipulated, and she soon discovers that this tactic leaves her with a sense of powerlessness. This is because the youngster has learned a method of maintaining control called “blackmail” (e.g., “You’d better give me a payoff, or I’m going to make you suffer!”). Children will likely continue to use this strategy as long as it is working for them.

Bribery usually occurs under duress—right in the middle of a situation in which your little Jeckel has turned into Hyde. It happens quickly, when all you want is to change his behavior on the spot, so you offer him something that you had no previous intention of offering. This is a form of over–negotiating, which puts your youngster in the driver’s seat.

To tell if you're rewarding or bribing your youngster, look at two things:

1. Who is suggesting the trade-off? Usually, when a parent suggests, "If you'll do something for me, then I'll do something for you," the kid interprets it as a bribe. If the kid asks if she can have something and the parent responds with the condition under which she can have it, it teaches values such as "work before play" or "healthy food before sweets."
2. What is your motive? If you are trying to manipulate, you are probably bribing. 

So how do you break the bribery habit? 

A youngster who has been repeatedly bribed will tend to “up the ante” for every request a mother or father makes. Here are some things you can do to avoid that problem, or to break the cycle if you feel you've been bribing your kids too much:

1. Apologize to your kids for having bribed them. Don't get hung up on your own guilt. Instead, be glad you realized what was happening and move on.

2. Focus your attention on your youngster's behavior instead of the results or the reward. That helps with the transition to the youngster's own internal motivation and sense of accomplishment. If you're concerned about your youngster's grades, for example, praise him or offer other small rewards for daily studying—the behavior you really want and that your youngster can control—instead of waiting for report cards. If you put more emphasis on conveying a sense of appreciation for your youngster's behavior than on the reward, your youngster is less likely to become dependent on the reward. Also, involve your youngster in figuring out a study schedule. That makes him more likely to follow through than if you simply imposed some new rules.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. If you want to break the cycle of bribery, do it dramatically. Hold a family meeting announce that there are going to be some significant changes. Be very clear and explicit about the new rules. Explain what behaviors are expected of your kids simply because they're members of the family (e.g., doing schoolwork, setting the dinner table, putting dirty laundry in the hamper, etc.). Explain that there will be no more bribes. Also, go over the consequences of not doing what's expected of them (e.g., "If you don't do your homework, you won't be allowed to watch television or play video games” … “If you don't put your dirty clothes in the hamper, they won't be washed"). Remember that most kids will, within a day or two, challenge these new rules to see if you were serious about change. Be prepared.

4. Teach your kids that their behavior is a choice. Each choice has an outcome, and most privileges have a counter-balanced responsibility.

5. Let your youngster know that you are aware of - and respect - his opinions. After all, no one really enjoys taking out the garbage. By stating that you realize it is sometimes a smelly and messy job, you are letting him know that his feelings are valid, but that he must still do his part. If you try to convince your youngster that something is interesting or fun when it isn't, you're telling him that his feelings don't count. You're also lying—and he knows it. The same holds true for doing homework. Acknowledge that sometimes it isn't fun and that it might be more pleasant to watch television, but make it clear that this doesn't mean he can avoid his school assignments. Taking this approach avoids your being sidetracked into name-calling and battles over whether your youngster is lazy.

6. Remember how tremendously reinforcing some extra attention from you is for your kids. Moms and dads sometimes feel they have to use more and more expensive rewards, when what their kids really want them to do is spend more time with them.

No mother or father wants to fall into the trap of bribing their kids to behave well. Sure, offering your youngster a special privilege to stop whining, or to stop teasing his sister, or just to stop his incessant demanding, may give you some immediate relief, but it will be short-lived. The bad behavior WILL return. By buying into your youngster’s bad behavior, you are providing him with leverage for the next time he wants something.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

This Week's 2-Minute Tip: The Parent's Grief Cycle

Here's the grief cycle that parents tend to go through when parenting a child with Oppositional Defiance Disorder:



==> Help for Parents with Defiant Children and Teens

Scream-Free Parenting

Why should parents stop screaming at their kids – in all cases – effective immediately? Here are important reasons why:

1. Your children will learn that they never really have to change their behavior, because screaming is not much of a consequence. Instead, they will just listen to the yelling and do whatever they want to do anyway. And eventually, they will simply tune you out completely.
2. Your kids are also apt to think that it is okay for them to scream a lot. You’re teaching your children that yelling is an appropriate response when one is angry or stressed.
3. It empowers your children (but in a bad way), because it gives them the message that you are not in control …and if you are not in control, they assume that they are the ones in charge.

CLICK HERE for the full article...

This Week's 2-Minute Tip: Parenting Children with ODD

How parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD] can take care of themselves:



==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Parenting Teens with ODD

Preventing Risky Behavior Before It Starts

There are 5 parts to preventing risky behavior in your youngster: (1) spotting possible problems, (2) working through the problem, (3) being a monitor, (4) being a mentor, and (5) being a role model. Let’s look at each in turn…

1. Spotting Possible Problems—

Consider these methods for spotting problems before they turn into full-blown crises:

• Be actively involved in your youngster’s life. This is important for all moms and dads, no matter what the living arrangements. Knowing how your youngster usually thinks, feels, and acts will help you to notice when things begin to change. Some changes are part of your youngster’s growing up, but others could be signs of trouble.

• Create healthy ways for your youngster to express emotions. Much “acting out” stems from kids not knowing how to handle their emotions. Feelings can be so intense that usual methods of expressing them don’t work. Or, because feelings like anger or sadness are viewed as “bad,” your youngster may not want to express them openly. Encourage your youngster to express emotions in a healthy and positive way. Let your youngster see you doing things to deal with your own emotions. Once these feelings are less powerful, talk to your youngster about how he or she feels and why. Make sure your youngster knows that all emotions are part of the person that he or she is, not just the “good” or happy ones. Once your youngster knows his range of emotions, he can start to learn how to handle them.

• Set realistic limits and enforce them consistently. Be selective with your limits, by putting boundaries on the most important behaviors your youngster is engaged in. Make sure you and your youngster can “see” a limit clearly. If your youngster goes beyond the limit, deal with her in similar ways for similar situations. If you decide to punish your youngster, use the most effective methods, like restriction or time-outs. You could also make your youngster correct or make up for the outcome of her actions. Make sure the harshness of the punishment fits your youngster’s “crime.”As your youngster learns how limits work and what happens when she goes past those limits, she will trust you to be fair. 

2. Working through the Problem—

Because problems are quite different, how you solve them also differs. To solve tough problems, you may need more complex methods. Keep these things in mind when trying to solve a problem:

• Admit when a problem is bigger than you can handle alone or requires special expertise. No one expects you to solve every problem your family has by yourself. Some problems are just too big to handle alone, not because you’re a “bad” parent, but simply because of the nature of the problem. Be realistic about what you can and can’t do on your own.

• Know that you are not alone. Talk to other moms and dads or a trusted friend or relative. Some of them might be dealing with or have dealt with similar things. They may have ideas on how to solve a problem in a way you haven’t thought of. Or, they might share your feelings, which can also be a comfort.

• Get outside help, if needed. There will be times when you just won’t know how to help your youngster; other times, you truly won’t be able to help your youngster. That’s okay! Someone else may know how to help. Use all the resources you have to solve a problem, including getting outside help when you need it. Remember that it’s not important how a problem is solved, just that it is. Ideas on where you can go for outside help include the following:

• Community groups
• Family members and relatives
• Friends
• Other moms and dads
• Pastors, priests, rabbis, and ministers
• Pediatricians
• Psychologists
• Psychiatrists
• School nurses and counselors
• Social workers and agencies
• Support and self-help groups

3. Being a Monitor—

Being a monitor means you pay careful attention to your youngster and his surroundings – especially his peer group. Being an active monitor can be as simple as answering some basic questions:

• Who is your youngster with?
• What do you know about the person(s) your youngster is with?
• Where is your youngster?
• What is your youngster doing?
• When will your youngster be home/leaving?
• How is your youngster getting there/home?

You won’t always have detailed answers to these questions, but it’s important to know most of the answers, most of the time.

You may also want to keep these things in mind when being an active monitor:

• Give direction without being rigid. In some cases, not being allowed to do something only makes your youngster want to do it more. Is the answer just plain “no” or does it depend on the circumstances? “Yes, but only if...” is a useful option when making decisions.

• Know the people your youngster spends time with. Because you can’t be with your youngster all the time, you should know who is with your youngster when you’re not. Friends have a big influence on your youngster, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much of the time, this influence is positive, but not always. With a little effort from you, your youngster might surround herself with friends whose values, interests, and behaviors will be “pluses” in your youngster’s life. Your youngster also spends a lot of time with her educators. Educators play a vital role in your youngster’s development and overall well-being, so get to know your youngster’s educators, too.

• Know what your youngster is watching, reading, playing, or listening to. Because TV, movies, video games, the Internet, and music are such a large part of many of our lives, they can have a huge influence on children. Be sure you know what your youngster’s influences are. You can’t help your youngster make positive choices if you don’t know what web sites he visits or what he reads, listens to, watches, or plays.

• Open the lines of communication when your son or daughter is young, and keep those lines open. It seems obvious, but honest communication is crucial. When your son or daughter is young, talk openly about things you do when you aren’t with your youngster …then ask your youngster what he or she does during those times. As your youngster gets older, keep up this type of communication. Both you and your youngster have to take part in open, two-way communication.

• Tell your youngster what thoughts and ideals you value and why. For instance, if being respectful to grown-ups is an ideal you want your youngster to have, tell her. Even more importantly, tell her why you think it’s important. Don’t assume that your youngster knows your reasons for valuing one practice or way of behaving over another.

4. Being a Mentor –

A mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship, and respect to a youngster. Being a mentor is like being a coach of a sports team. A caring coach sees the strengths and weaknesses of each player and tries to build those strengths and lessen those weaknesses. In practice, coaches stand back and watch the action, giving advice on what the players should do next, but knowing that the players make their own game-time decisions.

Coaches honestly point out things that can be done better and praise things that are done well. Coaches listen to their players and earn players’ trust. They give their players a place to turn when things get tough.

Mentors do the same things:

• be a friend
• develop a youngster’s strengths
• give praise
• listen
• offer advice and support
• share a youngster’s interests

Mentors help children to reach their full potential, which includes mistakes and tears, as well as successes and smiles. Mentors know that small failures often precede major successes. Knowing this fact, they encourage children to keep trying because those successes are right around the corner.

There is no magic wand that turns people into caring mentors. Just spending time with your youngster helps you become a mentor. You can do ordinary things with your youngster, like going grocery shopping together. You can do special things with your youngster, like going to a museum or a concert together. The important part is that you do things together, which includes communicating with one another.

You may want to keep these things in mind as you think about being a mentor:

• Be honest about your own strengths and weaknesses. If you know the answer to a question, say so. If you don’t, then say so. To build a trusting, but real, relationship with your youngster, you only have to be human. All humans make mistakes. You have – and your youngster will, too. Your youngster can benefit from hearing about your mistakes, including what you thought before you made them, how your thoughts changed after you made them, and how you changed your thoughts or behaviors to avoid them in the future. A youngster who thinks his parent is perfect builds expectations that moms and dads can’t possibly live up to.

• Introduce your youngster to things that you like to do. This is a useful way for your youngster to learn more about you. It’s sometimes hard for children to picture their moms and dads doing things that other people do, like playing an instrument, volunteering at a nursing home, watching movies, playing a sport, or knowing about art. If your youngster sees you doing these things, you become more of a “regular person,” rather than “just a parent.”

• Respect your youngster’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Even if you don’t agree with your youngster, make it clear that you want to know what her thoughts are, without the threat of punishment. If your youngster is afraid of being punished, she may stop sharing things entirely. Let different points-of-view co-exist for a while. They will allow your youngster to think more about an issue. Remember that there is an important difference between, “I disagree with you,” and “You’re wrong.”

• Support your youngster’s interests and strengths, but don’t force things. Children spend their childhood trying to figure out who they are, how the world works, and how they fit into that world. Make sure your youngster has enough room to explore. If your youngster has no interest in an activity or topic, don’t push. Your youngster will soon begin to dread the “forced activity” and will find ways to get out of doing it.

5. Being a Role Model—

Role models come in all shapes and sizes …they do all kinds of jobs …they come from any country or city. Some kids view athletes as their role models. Other kids look up to authors or scientists. And, believe it or not, many kids see their moms and dads as role models.

All too often, parenting behavior is guided by parents reacting to their own childhoods (e.g., “I don’t ever want to be like my parents” or “It was good enough for me, so it’s good enough for my children”). Remember that reacting instead of responding prevents you from making decisions that can change the outcome of a situation. To be a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent, it’s best to focus on your kids and their lives.

Does this mean that you have to be perfect so your youngster will grow up to be perfect, too? Of course not. No one is perfect. But, you do need to figure out what kind of example you are setting for your youngster.

You may want to be the kind of role model who does the following:

• Be honest with your youngster about how you are feeling. Grown-ups get confused about emotions all the time, so it’s no surprise that kids might get confused, too. For instance, you might have a short temper after a really stressful day at work, but your youngster might think you are angry with him. If you find yourself acting differently than you usually do, explain to your youngster that he isn’t to blame for your change in “typical” behavior. Your youngster can even help you by lightening your mood or altering your attitude. You can prevent a lot of hurt feelings and confusion by being honest with your youngster about your own emotions.

• Do as you say and say as you do. Kids want to act like their role models, not just talk like them. Kids learn as much, if not more from your actions as they do from your words. Don’t just tell your youngster to call home if she is going to be late. Make sure that you call home when you know you’re going to be late. Don’t just tell your youngster not to shout at you. Don’t shout at your youngster or at others. This kind of consistency helps your youngster form reliable patterns of the relationship between attitudes and actions.

• Make sure your youngster knows that being angry does not mean “not loving.” Disagreements and arguments are a normal part of most relationships. But many kids can’t separate love from anger. They assume that if you yell at them, then you don’t love them anymore. Even if you think your youngster has a solid grasp of emotions, you may want to be specific about this point. Otherwise, you run the risk of having your youngster think she is not loved every time you have a disagreement. Most of all, try to be alert to changes in your youngster’s emotions so you can “coach” your youngster through moments of anger or sadness without brushing-off the emotion or ignoring it.

• Pinpoint things that you wouldn’t want your youngster’s role model to do, and make sure you aren’t doing them. For instance, suppose your youngster views a sports player as his role model. If you found out that player used illegal drugs or was verbally or physically abusive to others, would you still want your youngster to look up to that person? Probably not. Now apply that same standard to your own actions. If you don’t want your youngster to smoke, then you should not smoke. If you want your youngster to be on time for school, make sure you are on time for work and other meetings. If you don’t want your youngster to use curse words, then don’t use those words in front of your youngster. Reviewing your own conduct means being honest with yourself, about yourself. You may need to make some changes in how you act, but both you and your youngster will benefit in the end.

• Show respect for other people, including your youngster. For many kids, the word respect is hard to understand. It’s not something they can touch or feel, but it’s still a very important concept. To help your youngster learn about respect, you may want to point out when you are being respectful. For instance, when your youngster starts to pick out her own clothes, you can show respect for those choices. Tell your youngster, “That wouldn’t have been my choice, but I respect your decision to wear that plaid shirt with those striped pants.”

Now that you know how to prevent risky behavior before it starts, it’s time to put these ideas into action. Good luck!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents