How to Help Your Teen Prepare for the GED

“My 17 year old son wants me to sign him out of school so he can try and get his GED. He is supposed to be a senior this year but is actually only a second semester freshman in high school. He only passed the first semester of school last year and failed everything the second one. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He refuses to do anything unless he wants to. He refuses to go to school and has been reported to the court system. At this point, I’m beginning to think that a GED would be the best route to go. So my question is how can I help him prepare for the GED?”

Passing the GED test requires knowing basic information such as math, English, and reading along with a few others subjects. If you feel strongly that it would be in your son's best interest to withdraw from high school and pursue a GED, then by all means, go with your gut instinct. There's no shame in going that route!

Here are ten tips for helping your son prepare for the GED test:

1. Have your son prepare for the tests by studying and/or taking a GED study course. Only 30% of all first time takers pass the tests and earn a GED. So, preparing for the exams is very important. There are many services and books that can help – encourage your son to use them.

2. Check the cost of the test. Your local testing center will know the price as it can vary by state and local area.

3. Make a special effort to help your son know fractions, addition, subtraction, and division. Math is the most important part of all the tests since it is quite difficult. So take a few weeks to help your son have a good review of basic math (flash cards are a great way to make learning fun).

4. Let your son know a few tips before taking the test. It will help him get a better score on the test when he answers the questions that he knows the answers to right away without taking a few minutes to figure out the answer, and then save the hardest questions for last.

5. If your son gets overwhelmed or upset during the preparation stage, explain to him that everyone gets anxious before a big test. It is a good idea to study for a while and then do something relaxing, reviewing the study materials every once in a while a few times each day.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. You can find the location of your local testing center by calling your local high school’s guidance office, even if your son is no longer attending school.

7. Check your local jurisdiction’s requirements for registering for the tests. They will determine what identification your son will need. Also, some testing centers require a pretest or practice tests.

8. Believe in your son and encourage him throughout the preparation stage. Tell him that you know he can pass the GED test, even though it takes a lot of hard work and determination. Help him stay motivated!

9. A good option is to have your son study for the GED at home while watching TV. Many local public television stations offer free GED courses that you can watch on TV. Check your local listings.

10. Check your state’s requirements to see if your son is eligible to take the test. There are age and other restrictions that are different in each state.

11. Consider taking an online GED course. There are several courses available on the Internet that can help your son prepare for the GED. You usually have to pay to take one of these courses, but there are also some free courses online. One of the better GED course sites can be found at www.GEDOnline.org ($65 for a 4-month membership).

12. Be super supportive. Tell your son how much better he will feel about himself after he passes the GED test. Let him know that when he passes the test, it will help him get a decent job and also enable him to go on college if he so desires. Also, let him know that passing the GED test is something to be proud of afterwards since it takes hard work to accomplish it.

13. On the day of the test, help your son review some of the study material a few hours beforehand. It is always a good idea to study notes a few hours before taking the test since the information will be easier to remember.

14. The GED test requires the individual to be able to write an essay as part of the English test. Make sure that your son can write without many spelling or grammar errors. It is important to not get stressed-out over the essay part of the English. The topic of the essay is usually something that is rather interesting.

15. Make sure that your son gets enough sleep and eats healthy the day before taking the GED test. Help him feel less anxious since he is probably going to be nervous about the entire thing. Let him know that he doesn't need to be worry about the GED test, because he can take it again if need be. Simply encourage him to do his best – and forget the rest.

16. Some colleges offer a basic class to help participants be more prepared to pass the GED. So, having your son attend one of these classes at your nearest college might be a good idea. The classes are usually only a few weeks long or so, and are only a few hours long about twice a week. Check out your local college for more information.

Can your son get a job with a GED or attend college just as he would with a high school diploma? The answer is ‘yes’. A GED is the equivalent of a high school diploma. So if you are feeling like a failure as a parent because your son is dropping out of high school – think again!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Shifting Homework Responsibilities from Parent to Teen

When it comes to defiant teens and homework, I recommend that moms and dads avoid getting involved. Homework is your teen’s job, not yours. It’s common for a mother or father (with good intentions) to supervise their teen’s homework on a nightly basis, making sure that every assignment is done accurately and on time. 

 

Oftentimes, they actually “go back to class” themselves, reading the books and trying to learn about the subject so that they can tutor their teenager – and in some cases, they even do the homework for their child.

If you take more responsibility for homework than your teenager does, he will never want to do it. Conversely, the less responsibility you take, the more he will take (eventually). It’s an ownership issue. And the paradoxical approach to helping your teen to do HIS work is for you to “let go.” Less is better.

Tips for shifting homework responsibilities from the parent to the child:

1. Be creative. Sometimes homework battles need some creative solutions. For example, some teenagers who refuse to do homework at home for one reason or another are willing to stay after school to complete it. As long as they don’t have to do it at home, they’re happy and it works for them. Other teenagers are exhausted when they come home from school, and they simply want an hour to unwind before they sit down and do their homework. In this case, let your child decide when and where to do the work.

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2. Communicate clearly to your teenager that he is in total control of his life. He has responsibilities that he can choose to accept or ignore. The choices are his, just as the outcomes of his choices are also his. This is representative of how the real world works.

3. Even though you need to back-off with the nagging and over-assistance, you can still make academic performance something that your teen cares about. You can’t give her ambition she doesn’t have, but you can increase her anxiety-level by tying academic performance to the privileges that she enjoys and expects. Teens usually care a lot about having time with friends, a cell phone for texting, money to spend, a car to drive, etc. So if your child’s bad grades translate into a loss of privileges, she will likely start caring about her academic performance (but for different reasons than yours).

CAUTION: When you start withholding privileges, your teen may act like she really doesn’t care what you do to her, and she will initially refuse to do HER work just out of spite. She may even act like a victim and try to blame you for ruining her life. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated in this way. Just follow through the consequences and be patient. Eventually your child will learn that you are serious and that if her situation is going to improve, she will have to start taking her job more seriously.

4. Keep in mind that some underachieving teens may have significant learning disabilities that should be properly diagnosed and treated.

5. Most adolescents that are left alone and not pressured by their mom or dad will do fine in school and require little supervision and extra motivation. If your adolescent isn’t getting As and Bs or winning academic-achievement awards, don’t get panicky. You will NOT turn your average or below-average child into an overachiever by nagging or prodding. In fact, the more you get involved, the greater the likelihood your child will do worse, not better. So if you keep doing what you’ve always done (e.g., over-assisting), then you’ll get what you've always got (e.g., a teenager who is perfectly willing to let you do the work).

6. Rule out any underlying social issues. If your child refuses to do homework, don’t just by assume it’s an act of defiance. School-related stress, bullying issues, a break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend – and a host of other problems can contribute to behavior changes.

7. Sometimes, mental health issues can be a factor in homework refusal. Mood disorders often causes irritability and decreased motivation in teenagers. Anxiety disorders can cause them to avoid doing their homework, especially if they aren’t sure how to do it or are worried they won’t be able to do it right. Thus, rule out possible mental health issues before viewing your child’s refusal to do homework as pure laziness.

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8. Tie completed homework to privileges. Let your teen know that he can have access to privileges when he has completed his homework (e.g., “When you’re done with homework, you are free to get on the computer or see your friend”). 

9. Your job is to monitor progress and to encourage from the sidelines. You can certainly care about how well your adolescent does in school, but you should also be smart enough to allow him to do it on his own. Let’s be honest here: Has nagging and complaining and over-assisting worked for you up to this point? I didn’t think so! Unless your adolescent cares as much - or more - than you do, he won’t be motivated to change or to take responsibility for performing up to his capabilities.

10. Your objective is not to micromanage your adolescent. Instead, encourage him by modeling responsibility for him and by providing lots of affirmation. He probably is more ambitious than you realize, even if that ambition is not channeled directly into homework. Also, celebrate successes. Recognize even small steps toward academic success. If your teenager brings a "D" grade up to a "C" – this is cause for celebration.

Moms and dads often struggle raising a teenager with plenty of potential, but little academic motivation. Some teenagers refuse to do homework, never study for tests, and skip school. Others bring home decent grades, but could do much better with a little effort. Although frustrating, the techniques listed above will help you guide your teenager and motivate her to succeed academically.

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Preparing Your Older Teen for High School Graduation and College

Another school year is quickly coming to a close. What is your high school senior planning to do next? Anything? If not, uh oh! Shame on you. Preparing your child for high school graduation and then college should begin long before the senior year of high school. Adolescents who are still juniors should give some thought to finishing high school and preparing for higher education or a career.

Here are some tips that moms and dads (who may have procrastinated up to this point) can use to help their adolescents ensure a timely and complete high school graduation, and then prepare for college:

1. First of all, preparing an adolescent for high school graduation and then college is not something that can be done in a month or a year. It is something that moms and dads should begin thinking about - and planning for - emotionally and physically as soon as their teenager is ready. By offering the teen an opportunity for growth and responsibility, parents will find that as college approaches, their teen is ready for life in more ways than educationally.

2. Don’t waste your hard earned money. Many moms and dads are eager to throw their own financial future under the bus in order to fund a long-distance college experience (e.g., having the child attend a college in a neighboring U.S. state, or even in a different country). A better idea (since you’re not 100% sure this college thing is going to work out at this point) would be to have your teenager attend locally at first until he can prove that this pursuit is worth $60,000 per year.

In the meantime, save for your own retirement. Involve your teenager in the financial aid process, payments and costs. While still in high school, encourage him to work and pay for certain amenities on his own (e.g., cell phone, car insurance, etc.). You should not have to pay for an expensive car without your teen helping (that would be a great disservice to him in the long). Learn to say “no” early in your child’s teenage years, insist that he be financially responsible for himself on as many levels as possible, and don’t be a dupe. In this way, you and your adolescent can come up with a financial plan that works.

3. Introduce your teenager to real-world experiences. Volunteer work, part-time summer jobs, a driver's license, etc., all help to round out a teenager's developmental growth and prepares her to take a place in the community.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Keep tabs on your teenager's GPA. This will become one of the chief indicators of his academic performance that colleges and universities will consider when deciding whether to admit him or not. Encourage your adolescent to maintain a B-level grade average, and arrange for him to take the SAT or ACT test during the junior year of high school if possible. Study classes are available that can be taken to prepare for the test, and it usually can be taken once for practice and again for a better score. Ask your child’s guidance counselor for more information.

5. Make sure your child completes all required courses. Depending on the school system in which she is enrolled, there are usually a certain number of classes that must be successfully passed in order to be eligible to receive a high school diploma. Meet with the school counselor to go over your child’s transcript and check to be sure all requirements are met (e.g., foreign language class, physical education, certain electives, etc.).

6. Prepare your adolescent for the darker side of college life. No mother or father wants to see their teenager fall into the deep pit of sexual promiscuity, drinking, and drug abuse. Nonetheless, the parent has to remain aware that this world exists – and is waiting for the child in college. Many of the young people who have not had to experience serious negative situations are completely unprepared to face them in real life.

Never think that your teenager would never do something (e.g., some pot) – because he will – and college offers the perfect opportunity. Talk to your child about what is going on in his high school, and remain open to hearing what he has to say about sex, alcohol, and illicit drugs. Be non-judgmental in your conversations and realize that your child already knows more than you are giving him credit for. Of course, DON'T encourage your teenager to drink or try drugs, but DO allow him to make a few mistakes of his own as he navigates the real world. Being too strict or harsh with your teenager through the high school years will likely create a situation in which he goes “hog-wild” once he gets a taste of college-life and the associated freedom.

7. Prepare yourself emotionally. Many moms and dads become sad and feel as though their teenager’s graduation represents a certain end in their life (empty-nest syndrome). At this age, your child is standing at the threshold to the next phase in her life. Part of parenting is realizing that your teen is an individual who has to live HER life. If you have successfully parented your teenager and have built a solid family unit, then you can feel safe in letting her go.

8. Consider the addition of special skills courses. Classes focusing on computer programming, critical thinking, diversity, family management, reading and literature, and writing are some of the newer topics to emerge in high school curricula in recent years. Your teenager will do well to take as many electives as he can successfully manage without compromising his GPA and still maintain a balanced lifestyle. These will look good on a record transcript, which becomes another indicator for college admissions screening.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. Teach your teen personal survival skills. Learning how to balance a checkbook, cook for yourself, find the nearest airport, pick up after yourself, put air in the car’s tires, financial budgeting and opening a savings account are important tasks that all young people need to master before coming of age and living on their own.

10. Teach your teen how to prioritize and schedule. Stress how important it is to be accurate in her personal planning, and help her understand that the more she plans ahead, the more time they will have for fun stuff (or sleep). Each week – from now until your child leaves for college – make sure she delivers her schedule to you and have you sign off on it. In this way, the two of you can be sure that she is sticking to her own plan (and since it is HER plan, she can take control and ownership of it). If you discover a big miscalculation in her plan, let it be a lesson so that she experiences the consequences and can make appropriate corrections in the future. This is the only way she can learn and prepare for adult life.

If adolescents learn a good portion of the tips listed above, they will be in great shape for graduating high school with a significant degree of knowledge and confidence, ready to go on to college and take care of themselves.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Spring Fever and Associated Defiant Behavior

Moms and dads are often shocked that defiant behaviors can rise during and after spring break week. Even though the break has its value, there is also a sense of grief at its ending. So, don't be surprised if your child has a hard time getting his or her academic motors started again.

Defiant behavior often comes in waves. If spring has brought on a bad case of "bad" behavior in your youngster, here are some possible explanations – and what to do about them:

1. Your youngster may not have the body awareness or language skills necessary to explain to you about the tingle in his nose or the pressure in his sinuses, but the light-headedness and "spacey" feeling that often accompanies allergies may leave your child feeling distracted and disoriented. If itchy eyes, sniffles or headaches accompany the onset of defiant behavior in your home, check with your doctor about the possibility of an allergy diagnosis.

2. As your child’s spring fever continues to build, celebrate accomplishments more often and make privileges easier to earn. Provide more rewards more often. Emphasize earning rewards by staying afloat academically. However, don't make the reward staying up late or anything that would work against your youngster in school.

3. Help your child transition from spring break back to schoolwork. One way to guide her to accept the necessity of schoolwork in springtime is to help in finding a sense of closure at the end of spring break. This can include gearing-up for the coming school tasks, setting up reward systems, and promising to make summer plans after your youngster is back in the routine of school and homework.

4. The wild swings in weather that often come with the onset of spring can represent a disruption of routine for a child who is sensitive to change. Changes in climate can bring changes of air-pressure that can leave him feeling out of sorts for no good reason, too.

Long days of rain and the lack of outdoor play it brings can make your child restless, and staring out a classroom window at a beautiful sunny day can make it difficult to focus on schoolwork. Thus, try to keep routines as consistent as possible, and have a supply of fun rainy-day activities on hand.

5. Changing from one set of clothes to another can be a challenge to a child with tactile sensitivity (e.g., getting used to different fabrics and styles, having more skin exposed, dealing with stiff new tags, mourning the loss of favorite yet outgrown outfits, etc.). Make sure to keep her sensory-related clothing preferences in mind when buying new things for the new season, and do whatever customizing is needed (e.g., cutting out tags, washing jeans several times to make them softer, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. When there are only a couple months of school left to go before summer vacation, your child may be making major developmental leaps. He may be speaking more, processing more, moving more, sensing more, etc. When your child jumps to a new developmental level, everything has to come apart and get put back together again in a stronger and more advanced form. The “falling-apart” episode can be difficult for everyone, but wait: things will be much better when the growth spurt is over. In the meantime, be aware that “growth spurts” can be a profoundly disorganizing process for a child.

Kids with sensory integration and motor planning problems may find the difference in length of limbs and distance to the floor confusing and frustrating, and may have to completely revise their already blurry body awareness. An attitude of "giving up," anger, clumsiness, regression of motor skills, and tears for no reason can all be signs that your youngster is coping with a growth spurt poorly. Explaining the dilemma can help, and extra support and lowered expectations will be called for.

7. Fear of change is foremost in a child’s mind as she wonders if she will be able to survive the milestone of the next grade, anxiety about summer, and fearing how it may be next year in school. So be patient with your child during these difficult transitional periods. “Bad” behavior may simply be her coping mechanism for the moment.

8. Separation anxiety is another reason for defiance as your child anticipates the loss of daily classmates, familiar routines, and teachers with whom he has reached an understanding. A common reaction to this is frustration and anger, because then it isn't necessary to grieve the loss of the familiar, and the pain associated with grief (i.e., sadness) can be avoided.

9. Your child is not the only one reacting to “springtime stressors.” YOU are too. If you are agonizing over the way your spring clothes fit, feeling the changes in weather, getting caught up in vacation plans, going crazy with closet changes, suffering from allergies, and worrying about what to do with your youngster over the impending summer vacation – all of these things may raise your stress-level and lower your levels of patience, understanding, and time to spend with your child. Your youngster is likely to react to that very poorly. Stop and take a look at whether your stress is becoming contagious. Then shift gears and start to smell the roses. Help your youngster smell them also.

10. School vacations can lead to stress due to changes in routine and large blocks of unstructured time. Traveling during these vacations brings with it a whole additional level of routine-disruption and stress. Try to keep things as normal and planned as possible during spring break, and give your youngster plenty of preparation for new and interesting activities or places. Deliver maximum support, but have minimum expectations during these potentially difficult times.

When parents understand that most of the defiance associated with spring fever is physiological rather than behavioral, it will be easier to be prepared. Start by using some of the suggestions above.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12 Common Parenting Mistakes and Fixes for Defiant Preschoolers

Even the most insightful mother or father makes mistakes when it comes to raising children – especially preschoolers who are at the age where they begin to assert their independence for the first time (similar to when they become teenagers).

You can't erase your worst parenting moments, but with some introspection, you can keep from repeating them. Even “parenting experts” who are also parents themselves admit that they have moments when they wish they could have hit rewind on their parental performances.

It may seem like your defiant preschooler has the innate ability to push you to the outer edge of sanity. Fear not – you're not alone. Preschoolers want to own their newly discovered autonomy, but they also want the close attention and love of their parents. 

Here are 12 common mistakes that moms and dads of preschoolers make – and some clever fixes to help resolve problems:

Mistake #1—
Be inconsistent: Few things can confuse your defiant preschooler more than an inconsistent parenting style. If you are sometimes very strict, but give in other times, or simply don't seem to care what your preschooler is doing, he will have a very hard time knowing what is expected of him and how to act.

Correction—
Be reliable: If you punish bad behavior “X”, then always punish bad behavior “X”. If you reward good behavior “A”, then always reward good behavior “A”.


Mistake #2—
Encourage whining and complaining: Does your youngster's whining drive you nuts? For example, does it drive you crazy when, right before bedtime, your youngster starts crying, "I want a glass of milk," or "I want a watch the animal channel"? Moms and dads often give in to this whining just so the child will shut-up, but this only reinforces the attention-getting behavior. Your youngster will figure out which buttons to push – and then push them over and over again. The preschool years is the time when your youngster comes out of her shell. So be careful, because she will figure out what works when it comes to getting her way.

Correction—
Ignore whining as much as possible: For behavior that isn't aggressive (e.g., whining and sulking), you're better off if you don't respond at all. If you're consistent with this, your youngster will think, "Heck, my whining tactic doesn't work".


Mistake #3—
Focus on the negative: It's easy to zero-in on your youngster's negative actions (e.g., yelling and screaming) and ignore the positive ones. Moms and dads tend to focus on what they DON’T want their preschoolers to do rather than on what they DO want (e.g., “don't hit” … “don't throw” … “don’t spit” … “don’t kick”).

Correction—
Catch your child doing things right: Notice when your youngster is doing something positive, and reward that behavior. The reward for positive behavior can be your praise, or it can be giving your youngster a big hug or kiss. Those types of rewards really go a long way with preschoolers – even defiant ones (e.g., "I noticed you sat quietly during dinner. That’s you being respectful”).


Mistake #4—
Forget about one-on-one quality time: Your youngster may play well independently, but that doesn't mean he doesn't crave your attention. There's something a child misses out on if the parent doesn’t get on the floor and play with him. Not only do moms and dads not get down and play, they are too easily distracted by their cell phones, emails, and Lord only knows what. Preschoolers aren't living in a vacuum. They know whether parents are really paying attention or not.

Correction—
Get on your child’s level: Set a timer, be enthusiastic, and stay involved for your designated play period with your youngster. Thirty minutes of concentrated play time where you give your undivided attention is better than all day when you're only paying partial attention.


Mistake #5—
Ignore warning signs: Moms and dads often try to reason with their kid when she is in the throes of a temper tantrum, repeating, "You need to calm down, you need to calm down." But that's like trying to reason with a bull while you’re riding on its back. You've got power right in front of you when you can still distract or anticipate, but once the tantrum is in full swing, you've lost it. Your youngster is not hearing you.

Correction—
Know your child’s red flags: Figure out and anticipate what her natural warning signs are (e.g., hunger, fatigue, boredom). So, for example, don't take your youngster shopping unless she's napped and feed (or you've stashed a healthy snack in your purse).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Mistake #6—
Keep doing what doesn’t work: Not recognizing or changing your parenting techniques that aren't working is as big a problem as not trying to fix problems in the first place. Does what you do or say usually backfire when you attempt to address a particular issue? For example, you may think that sending your child to “time-out” is an effective form of discipline, but if you have to use it each day to correct the same problem, then it should be obvious that it isn't working.

Correction—
Stop the insanity: If it isn’t working – quit doing it. Try something different that is appropriate for your child’s age. Constantly refine your parenting tactics.


Mistake #7—
Overreact when you catch your child lying: Lying really angers most moms and dads. But they need to view this preschool-behavior as “experimenting” rather than as a “moral issue.” When preschoolers start to lie, it's a big cognitive advance …it’s both exciting and somewhat frightening …it has an emotional charge. But then the parent typically freaks-out and has visions of her youngster winding up in prison, so she gets very worried – and angry – about it.

Correction—
Avoid catastrophizing: Whenever you catch your child in a lie, simply point out that you know it is a lie. Call it what it is (a lie), and then state the truth (e.g., “Robert, you said you took a shower, but that’s a lie, because I can see that the shower is still dry. The truth is you have NOT taken a shower yet”).


Mistake #8—
Take your youngster’s “bad” behavior personally: It’s easy to take misbehavior personally when your youngster says something hurtful to you. But while it’s important to accept that you will get upset from time to time and your feelings will be hurt – you must never show it. If you do, you have just revealed a button that can be pushed time and time again.

Correction—
Calm down before issuing consequences: You may get upset when your youngster misbehaves or says insulting things. That’s natural. You’re only human. But recognize when you are TOO upset. Remind yourself that when you feel this way, you’ve got to give yourself some time before you interact with your youngster about it. Calm down before you come up with your discipline technique.


Mistake #9—
Overlook the importance of routines: Consistency is key for defiant preschoolers. When you're being inconsistent with your routine, preschoolers get confused and may act-out even more. If sometimes you let them do something – and sometimes you don't, they don't understand. For example, your youngster probably wants to know why last time you let him play on the playground for 15 minutes when school got out, but this time you want him to get in the car right away.

Correction—
Know that defiant preschoolers are starved for structure: Be as consistent as possible across the board – whether it's with or mealtime routines, play time, sleep habits, or discipline. If your routine is consistent most of the time (minor exceptions are acceptable) and your youngster is doing well, then so are you.


Mistake #10—
Be all bark and no bite: A surefire way to make sure your preschooler never listens to you is to threaten a consequence, but fail to follow through with it.

Correction—
Be a “follow-through” parent: No parent enjoys being the “bad guy,” but if your youngster behaves inappropriately, there has to be a consequence, or she will never learn that a particular behavior is inappropriate. Repeatedly saying, “If you don't stop that right now, you’re going to your room” won’t stop the misbehavior. All your youngster hears is, “I can keep doing this a few more times.” Instead, give one warning (e.g., “If you continue to ___, the consequence will be___”). Then if your youngster continues with the misbehavior, issue the consequence immediately.


Mistake #11—
Break your own rules: When Mr. Wilson’s 3-year-old daughter got into things that she wasn’t supposed to (e.g., picking up a lit candle from the dining room table and walking across the room with it), this father would slap her hand and say "no, little lady" in a stern voice. "It worked great," Mr. Wilson said, "until her preschool teacher caught her slapping the hands of any classmate who took her toy!" Mr. Wilson quickly realized that he couldn't say it was wrong for his daughter to smack her classmate’s hands when he was doing the same thing to her.

Correction—
Remember that you are always being watched: Preschoolers are little copy-cats, mimicking your “bad” behavior and modeling your poor choices. If you don’t want you child yelling when she’s mad at you, for example, then don’t yell when you’re mad at her.


Mistake #12—
Wait too long to issue a consequence: One parent recalls being stuck in traffic with her 3-year-old son, Cory, when he started getting fidgety and tried to wiggle out of his car seat. Frustrated with the slow trip home and having to repeat over and over, “Stay in your seat,” this parent told her son that if he didn't put his buckle back on correctly, he wouldn't get to have a bedtime story that night (a strategy that worked great with her son’s procrastinating about getting into his pajamas and brushing his teeth before bed). However, this time, bedtime was 9 hours away, so the threat was basically meaningless. Cory didn't stop playing with his seat buckle, and it seemed pointless to remind him about it hours later when he was getting ready for bed.

Correction—
Help your child with his short-term memory: Preschoolers don't remember what they did wrong an hour after the fact. Thus, parents need to show them the consequences of their actions as close to the misbehavior as possible. For example, if your youngster hits a friend with a toy car, never mind about cancelling tomorrow's playdate. Simply take the car away.


Your preschooler is going to test you at every age and stage. It’s his job to push boundaries and see where the line is drawn. As your child gets older, it can often feel like you are running through a parenting obstacle course. Just when you’ve figured-out “preschool behavior” and its many challenges, your youngster moves on to the next phase. In any event, while parenting mistakes happen, it’s always a good idea to “refine” what you’re doing over the years so you can adjust your reaction to your youngster’s behavior. Refinement helps you become a more effective parent over the long haul.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Make Defiant Behavior in Children Worse

Defiant children are usually raised in homes where limits are too lenient or inconsistent. One or both parents may not be available to give the youngster any attention. The mom or dad may also demonstrate defiant behavior. 

Do you lean more toward the lenient side? Are your rules often inconsistent? Do you have little time to spend with your child? Do you get angry with your child (e.g., yell, nag). If so, then you are on the right track for making defiant behavior worse. Below are some more ideas...

10 tips for making defiant behavior worse:

1. Add more and more consequences.
2. Don’t follow through with consequences and try to be inconsistent.
3. Engage in confrontation in front your child’s peers or siblings.
4. Fight every parent-child battle that comes along, regardless of how big or small the problem is.
5. Get annoyed at every little thing your child does wrong.
6. Let power-struggles go on for a long time.
7. Lose your temper (e.g., yell or use sarcasm to escalate the problem).
8. Threaten your child.
9. Try to bribe your child to improve his behavior (e.g., let him have his way just so he will shut up).
10. Try to embarrass your child or put him down.

If you prefer to decrease rather than increase defiant behavior, then you will want to follow these 10 tips instead:

1. Analyze the power-struggles you have been hooked into (e.g., what hooked you?).
2. Be sure to listen to your child and consider what he is saying.
3. Discuss things briefly and in private to remove the audience.
4. Give clear directions to your child.
5. Have clear boundaries and predetermined consequences for problem behavior.
6. Monitor your tone. With an unruly child, you may become triggered to be negative too. This is a mistake. So keep your tone neutral when your child is oppositional, and be positive when he is neutral or positive.
7. Remove yourself from the interaction if you can’t stay calm.
8. Turn your oppositional child into a “helper” (e.g., creating the grocery list, how to organize things in the garage, what vegetables to plant in the garden, etc.). Defiant kids have a strong need for control, so helping them to find pro-social ways to channel that need can be a great technique to help them gain a sense of control and self-worth. Of course, make sure that your child is appropriately prepared, trained, and supervised in the task at hand. 
9. Use a calm neutral voice – no matter what!!!
10. Use rewards carefully. Defiant behavior is often driven by the child’s resistance to being under your control or authority. Therefore, reward systems may not always work, especially if the youngster senses your desire to tame or manipulate him.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Self-Control Strategies for Severely Aggressive Children

Severe aggression can a problem for kids with both normal development, and those with psychosocial disturbances. There is no single theory about the causes of severe aggressive behavior in children. Some theorists believe it is innate or instinctive, others suggest the breakdown in commonly shared values, changes in traditional family patterns of child-rearing, and social isolation lead to severe aggression.

Aggressive behavior may be intentional or unintentional. Many hyperactive, clumsy kids are accidentally aggressive, but their intentions are compassionate. Kids in all age groups learn that aggressive behavior is a powerful way to communicate their wishes or deal with their likes and dislikes. In any event, here are some ideas on how parents can teach their aggressive children to exercise more self-control:

1. As the parent, don’t react aggressively to your child’s aggression. It’s easy to become outraged at an abusive, violent youngster – especially an older one who probably should know better. But be careful how you express your feelings, because your youngster is always watching and learning from you. Yelling at or grabbing an already angry, destructive youngster only makes a bad problem worse. If you expect your boy or girl to act responsibly and calmly, be sure to do so yourself. Kids do not form intent the same way grown-ups do, and often have little desire to hurt or upset the parent. They merely need to express themselves and have not yet learned to do so in a socially acceptable manner.

2. Keep track of what triggers aggressive behavior in your youngster. Most kids act out in chaotic environments and unstructured situations. Ask your child what causes her to get frustrated and lose control. Consider how you can provide additional support or stability.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

3. Know your youngster’s temperament. Everyone is born with a unique temperament or personality. For example, some grown-ups tend to be more reserved or timid, while others are always outgoing and spontaneous. Similarly, some kids tend to be more outwardly assertive and aggressive, and others less so. Knowing your youngster's personality allows you the advantage of foresight. For example, if he does not do well with unexpected occurrences, try to keep his day “routine.” Use the insight.

4. Teach your child to “belly breathe” to calm down. A few structured minutes alone may be all he needs. Show him how to take slow, deep breaths from his stomach to feel better and gain control. When both of you are in control, talk about what happened, addressing any misbehaviors in a firm, but loving way.

5. Model self-control yourself. Kids study adult actions and reactions, and one day, they will become a lot like their parents! Reacting calmly and avoiding your own explosive outbursts (e.g., while driving in busy traffic) is the best way to teach your child how to cope with her own "end of the world" conflicts.

6. Reward non-aggressive behaviors. When you notice your youngster behaving in an appropriate and non-aggressive manner, notice and commend his behavior. Tell him how proud you are. Also say something such as, “You must be proud of yourself.” Kids need to know their moms and dads are proud of them. They also need to develop an internal sense of pride in themselves.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

7. Reflect on your youngster's progress in a fun way. You could have a weekly pizza party with your child to talk about the stressful situations he encountered during the week, discussing the level of control he demonstrated – and why. This works especially well with older kids who are able to process things on a more adult level. Consider rewarding your child with a parent-child outing when you see a lessening of aggressive behavior. A “back porch talk” or “nature walk” could be a great way to open up a conversation with your child.

8. Practice assertiveness. If you've never spent time teaching your child to be assertive, you'll need to give her the exact words she might use when she’s upset and about to “act out” (e.g., “Mom, I’m feeling really frustrated with you right now!”). If she's older and you've been working with her, you can simply say, “What’s your assertive statement” whenever she’s upset. Due to your previous instruction and practice with her, she'll eventually be able to do it on her own. It may take a few tries until she gets the tone to match the words, but when you help her to redirect her drive rather than try to suppress it, you’ll be making some real progress.

9. Offer choices to defuse situations. For example, if your child is angry about having to go to bed, give her the option of either reading a book or listening to music for 15 minutes before “lights out.” By involving her in making decisions related to bedtime, you are holding your ground, but also allowing her to do something she prefers.

10. Role-play alternatives to aggression. Aggressive kids may benefit from opportunities to role play or consider alternatives to aggressive reactions. When your child behaves aggressively, help him to talk the problem through. Encourage him to consider alternative solutions and to engage in these the next time this occurs. Sometimes it helps to ask kids, especially younger ones, to draw alternative solutions to the conflicts they face.

11. Draft a behavioral contract. Let your youngster know exactly what behavior is expected and what behavior is not. Work with her to set goals for improved behavior. Write a contract based on these goals. Develop a chart to track your youngster’s behavior on a daily basis. Include consequences for misbehavior as well as rewards for good behavior.

12. Avoid reinforcing aggressive behavior. Moms and dads may inadvertently reinforce aggressive behavior through attention. Nagging or punishing kids for acting aggressively can reinforce aggressive behavior. Some kids feel that any attention is better than no attention. Consequently, negative attention can reinforce aggressive behavior. Simply give a warning that there will be a consequence for the aggressive behavior. If the child continues the aggression, simply follow through with the consequence. No lectures, no threats, just follow through.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

13. Set clear, easy-to-follow play rules with your child. Talk to him about how to handle disagreements with other kids, and how to express his feelings using words and not hands. And as mentioned before, praise him for even the smallest displays of self-control, (e.g., waiting patiently for a turn to use a toy).

14. Teach the “bullying” concept. When your youngster steps over the line by using abusive behavior or words that are offensive to you, call him on it. You can tell him, “Stop. That's called bullying.” Most children know what a bully is. It creates for them a mental image of a bigger child pushing around a smaller one. The term helps them recognize what they are doing to others. After you say, “Stop. That's bullying” …also add, “I think you have something important to say, but when you bully me, I stop listening. You can say it in a way that helps me listen to you.” Then immediately think to yourself and try to get answers to the following questions: Did he think I wasn't listening to him? Does he need some power? Does he need a choice? Is he frustrated? What's the emotion that's fueling this behavior? Once you've identified what’s going on underneath the aggression, you can help your child think of a way to express that emotion or desire in a way that is more respectful.

15. Lastly, be patient with your child as he experiments with his new self-control strategies. It will take some time to replace old behavior with new, more respectful behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children