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“I hate you, you’re such a bitch, I am too going to wear my red dress! You promised me yesterday, and if I can’t wear it today, I’m not getting ready for school!” Molly had been arguing about the dress for the past forty-five minutes. It was 8:05, mom was running late, and the dress was filthy. That overwhelming exhausted feeling enveloped mom and, once again, she caved. “Go ahead and wear it,” she screamed. If your youngster has been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), this scenario may sound much too familiar. According to the Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth Ed., oppositional defiant disorder can cause clinical impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning, and is characterized by a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient and hostile behavior toward authority figures which persists for a period of at least six months. Since kids pass through many developmental stages as they mature, it is imp...

Hi Mark, We bought my out of control teen for our problem teen, H___ aged 16 (with undiagnosed emotional problems) and have found the tools very helpful, however we are at a loss to know how to deal with her runaway episodes which she does when she receives a consequence. She ran away late one night in bare feet and walked all the way to her dad's house 7& 1/2 kms away, (he was convicted with 18 charges of violence against me) she hadn't seen him for 10 years...and it turned out to be a bad experience...then went and stayed at a friend’s. As she told us she wasn't coming home but was planning to move out which she can legally do at the age of 16, which she is now. I just told her how her choice to move out would affect her...we wouldn't support her financially...she would have to arrange all that herself and stayed in constant contact with her. We have contacted the police and they have said unless she is considered at risk (ie mental health issues which ...

Hello Mr. Hutten, I have a question for you. I have a 14 year old step son who does not know that I am not his biological father. His mother and I have been separated for 9 years. I get him and his brother, who is my biological son, three times a week. I have had this visitation arrangement with their mother for the entire 9 years. I met the boy when he was 8 months old, and he really has no idea I am not his biological father. That said, the boy treats me with no respect, gets into trouble and generally makes the time I have with him and his brother a nightmare. I could go on, but I am sure you can imagine what I have been going through. My question-- Should I tell him that I am not his biological father? I really want to tell him because I do not think he appreciates exactly how good I have been to him. I spend a lot of time being angry at him and I think if he knew the real situation he might have a little more gratitude. Please let me know what your prof...

Hi Mark, Just wanted to thank you for this web site, it pretty much saved my relationship with my 16 year old son. We went from arguing, fighting and a final physical confrontation to him giving me a hug and telling me he loves me every morning before he leaves for school. It's been a year since our last argument. You're my hero! Lee Michaelis, DDS Online Parent Support

Mark, I just wanted to follow up to let you know that your program is spot-on! I am just starting Session 3 in your materials and using the suggestions in my household with my 14 year old twins. They are blown away with my lack of engagement with their verbal attacks, behaviors and disrespect. I'm following your advice and using my words and actions carefully, as well as being consistent, and they are totally confused as to what happened to me. I simply refuse to let them get me angry or engage in their misbehavior; then I talk to them about consequences of continued behavior. It took several days of me calmly repeating myself with these new rules, one of them is getting it right away while the other is a bit more resistant but is coming to realize that she can't push my buttons anymore. Thank you so much for making this program so affordable and supportive for the parent!!! I think we will make it through the next four years in a much calmer household. D.B. Online Parent Suppo...

Our 17 yr old daughter won't stop smoking pot – which she does daily to get through school. We have taken away privileges. Do we just ignore and ask her to leave once she's 18? ````````````````````````````````````````` This is a tricky subject and different for every family, but I truly believe that every teenager who wants to get marijuana, can. Therefore, I always tell moms & dads, it is extremely difficult to try to shield a teenager today from being exposed to marijuana because it is so prominent. I believe parents, and what I do with many of my clients, need to spend their efforts trying to equip teenagers to make the right choices, so when they are exposed to it, they will choose not to get high. No matter how strict a curfew you have, how often you drug test your teenagers, or whether they are an athlete, a scholar or a jock, your teenager will always find a way to use marijuana if they want to. They key is making sure they do not want to. 1...

My name is L___ and I just want to thank you for your website that I stumbled upon while doing research on Reactive Attachment Disorder. Your column "ask the parent coach" was like reading about my family's life story the last 9 months. I have found a lot of websites on this disorder but yours really hit home for me. We have a child that has been with us for 9 months that we were getting ready to adopt but have since decided that we do not have the capacity or time commitment to care for him. He was diagnosed with RAD by a school counselor recently and shows every sign of RAD except cruelty to animals. The more research I have done, the more I understand this disorder and the severity this boy has (he is 7). With 3 other young children, we have come to the conclusion that we can't commit to years of therapy without the rest of the family suffering in some way. We know his family and he was taken away at the hospital and put into foster care for 3 months becaus...

Who would you call for help if your 15-year-old teenager becomes so out-of-control with violent outbursts that it leads him to going after his parent with a knife? • Child Protective Services? • Crisis Hot Lines? • Doctors? • Mental Health? • Support Groups? • The Police? • Therapists? Try and imagine feeling more like a prisoner then a parent with your teenager, because no one can handle your teenager not even school, so you home school. Try spending thousands of dollars and going everywhere you can to find a cure, support, the newest medication, therapy, clinic, diet, only to realize your teenager is getting older, bigger and the violence is getting worst. Try to imagine being scared of your own minor child (not teen) at times and there is NO WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP! Try to imagine knowing if you try to escape, you can go to jail for “child abandonment” when you always want to be there for you teenager, however you can’t control them and need to be sa...

Here are three examples of how Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD] looks across ages. These examples stress some of the common features of ODD: Pre-school Shelby— Shelby is now 4 years old. Her parents were very excited when she turned four that perhaps that would mean that the terrible twos were finally over. They were not. Her parents are very grateful that the Grandparents are nearby. The grandparents are grateful that Shelby's aunts and uncles live nearby. Shelby's Aunt is grateful that this is her niece, not her daughter. Why? Shelby requires an incredible combination of strength, patience, and endurance. Shelby begins her day by getting up early and making noise. Her father unfortunately has mentioned how much this bothers him. So she turns on the TV, or if that has been mysteriously disconnected, bangs things around until her parents come out. Breakfast is the first battleground of the day. Shelby does not like what is being served once it is placed in fron...

ODD is the most common psychiatric problem in kids. Over 5% of kids have this. In younger kids it is more common in males than females, but as they grow older, the rate is the same in males and females. It is exceptionally rare for a psychiatrist to see a youngster with only ODD. Usually the youngster has some other neuropsychiatric disorder along with ODD. The tendency for disorders in medicine to occur together is called co-morbidity. Understanding co-morbidity in pediatric psychiatry is one of the most important areas of research at this moment. If a youngster comes to a clinic and is diagnosed with ADHD, about 30-40% of the time the youngster will also have ODD. ==> My Out-of-Control Child

Hi Mark, It's been a long time since we were last in touch. I'm afraid the relationship between my son and us has completely broken down. We've left London and now live in Leeds, my son K__ didn't want to come with us, so he stayed with his grandmother who has served to cause further damage between us. We've recently started living with one of my husband's two sons, J__. I was really pleased to be living with him, but he has brought an entirely different problem to us: He steals. From his family. So far he has stolen from four of his cousins and from my mother. He was living with my sister-in-law for a while before my husband and I were able to move to Leeds at the beginning of June. Within three weeks of living with her he had stolen over £100 - he is only twelve years old. He lies and doesn't care about the pain and upset he causes, he will just deny that he has stolen anything for months on end. When he finally admitted to stealing from his au...

No one knows for certain. The usual pattern is for problems to begin between ages 1-3. If you think about it, a lot of these behaviors are normal at age 2, but in ODD, they never go away. ODD does run in families. If a father is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law, his child is almost three times as likely to have ODD (18% of kids will have ODD if the parent is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law). ODD is diagnosed in the same way as many other psychiatric disorders in kids. You need to examine the child, talk with him, talk to the parents, and review the medical history. Sometimes other medical tests are necessary to make sure it is not something else. You always need to check kids out for other psychiatric disorders, because it is common for kids with ODD to have other problems, too. My Out-of-Control Child