Do we have to take him back?

Hi Mark,

Well, just to catch you up...M got out of the JJS on 1/3 and is in the intensive probation program. His PO has seen him 2x @ school and 1 home visit. He is supposed to go back to work and pay for the program ($90). He has called his manager (with MUCH arm twisting) but so far has not gone back. He has been to court last Thursday for his chewing tobacco possession and had a $55 fine imposed (Has yet to work this off also). He was re-instated on the wrestling team, and the DAY he found out he was back on he was a totally changed person. He was happy, interacting, talking about new semester classes/teachers, working out, etc. He has his first meet on Thursday and did excellent. We really thought he turned the corner. He has had his ADHD rx increased (new Dx 12/06), and the psychiatrist (and his counselor and the JSS counselor) all think he has depression and want him on antidepressants also. He thus far is not agreeable to taking them.

Friday I get a call from the Asst. Coach (who wasn't @ practice--home sick) that M was accused of putting marijuana in another teammates locker. He wants M to call to further discuss what happened. M was not home at the time--his first time out (his choice) with another wrestler to grab some dinner as they "Made weight" and were celebrating. He was home in an hour. I knew the other boy and was very happy that M finally was leaving the house. M has not had many phone calls and only 1 friend stop by Thursday (he is a boy husband and I disapprove of). He came over @ 10pm after this meet to show M his new car. He was in the driveway for only 5 minutes and he came in. M goes nowhere and no one over. He has had $45 in his wallet since he came home (Christmas money). I checked Friday after dinner and he had $30+ left. Point being he had very little opportunity to get the pot, unless from school and for free.

M did admit to "finding" a bag on the floor in the locker room and put it in the closest open locker. His story is that 1. he did not want anyone to get in trouble if the coaches saw it and 2. he would get blamed for it if they did see it because of his JJS hx.

Coach says the boy turned it into the Captain when he opened his locker, others around said M put it there, and still others are claiming M was taking it around saying "Do you want to buy a bag?" and acting as if he were holding a joint. He is OFF the team until further notice. I immediately called his PO and left a message. I am OK if M is really responsible but 2+2 just isn't adding up. M does admit the above but that's it. He has been dx with impulsive behavior. Since the incident he is back 180 degrees. He is sullen, alone, NO interaction, lack of desire/motivation for school (although going), bad attitude, etc.

He is not one to champion his own cause either (has never been good talking with adults). Just from our (husband and myself) observation of him these past few weeks, we can't believe he had more to do with the situation than he is admitting to. We will not however push the issue/"go to bat" for him because we are not sure and have learned about natural consequences (ie he should never have touched it in the first place). He is risking being suspended, violating probation, going back to JJS or being placed, etc. if he did what is being said. Up until now (less than 1 month) he has done nothing wrong. We don't know if the others are mad that he's back, has taken someones spot on the team, if they are covering for themselves, etc. So far, we have not heard from his PO, the school, etc. If he is found not responsible, he MAY be back on the team, but weigh in's are tomorrow so we would like to know ASAP what is to happen.

Mark, what does your experience and gut tell you? Also, I am finding it difficult to say something positive every day, and how do you do "something fun" when they don't want to engage?

Also, M turns 17 very soon and we hear this is a "gray age". What do you know about our responsibility as parents legally if he should leave again, not follow rules etc. Do we have to take him back? The only privileges he has left are PS2, I-pod, and PSP (TV in room but shares bedroom). Can't take much else away. We live in Michigan. To be honest, I would feel so much better if he could stay on probation until he is 18.

Thanks for your insight, I will keep you updated.

J

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Hi J.,

I haven’t forgot about you. I’ve had a lot of emails to respond to, and I take them in the order they are received.

Re: what does your experience and gut tell you?

This is the season for you to LET GO. I would simply allow probation to take care of the discipline side of things. He will (eventually) receive a series of “natural consequences” since he has to answer to his PO.

Re: I am finding it difficult to say something positive every day, and how do you do "something fun" when they don't want to engage?

I’m sure it is difficult, but you should say something positive everyday anyway. If you can’t think of anything positive, make something up; feed him a line of bullshit. If you don’t “feel” like your comment is genuine or that your heart is in it - fake it! I’m sure he’s doing something right each day. He’s obviously very gifted in many ways.

As far as “fun” goes, this could be something as simple as popping a bag of popcorn in the microwave and the two of you stand there in the kitchen and eat it over some superficial conversation (e.g., “Whose going to win the Super Bowl …By how many points?”). You don’t have to go to great lengths here.

Re: What do you know about our responsibility as parents legally if he should leave again, not follow rules etc. Do we have to take him back?

You’re on the hook until he turns 18. Begin – now – to prepare for his launch (i.e., he needs to be thinking about where he’s going to live, what he’s going to do to pay bills, etc.). This conversation should begin today.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Click here for more help ==> Online Parent Support

When Children Seem Unaffected by Discipline

We adopted 3 siblings in March 2006. They are 2 twins boys 4 yrs. old and their sister 5 yrs. old. They are very bright, smart and intelligent kids and make us very happy. We haven't experience any educational problems with them. They go to daycare and have learned numbers and letters, shapes and colors at the same rate as the other kids in their school. I purchased and have read your e-book "My out of control child" and have found it very useful. You explain to me in your e-mail the behavioral problems that adopted children usually have because of the unknown medical history of their birth parents. I have tried your techniques and procedures explained in your book, but our daughter is still giving her teachers a lot of trouble at school to the point that they don't know what else to do.

When she is with us, she controls herself or at least follows directions, but we have to be with our eyes or her at all times. We praise them (4:1), caught them doing good, and I have a ticket system but nothing seem to work. At school she is always answering back, bossing around, disrupting class and for the last 2 weeks at nap time at school, she starts calling her friends names out loud to the point that they have to pull her out of the class because she doesn't let them rest. Some people tell me to ignore this and let the school deal with the behavior at school. But I just can’t seem to let that go. She knows they tell me about it every time she is been send to the office or put in time out and them talk about it like she is proud of what she have done. I feel that if I don't do anything about it she might think that it is O.K. to misbehave at school. I sit her at home to write numbers and letters and I have taken her toys, TV time and she has not come to family gatherings. Nothing works, she just doesn't seem to care about anything.

Please, guide me. Help me out and tell me what should I do. I'm very worried. In Sept. she should be going to public school and she might have a lot of trouble if I cant teach her good behavior from negative behavior.

Click here for my response...

Body Piercing and Peer Pressure

Hi Mark, the last time I spoke with you was on the 20th of November last year (titled "Desperate"). At that stage my son had left home and I was frustrated. Your words were of great comfort to me and I must admit at my lowest points, I referred back to that email for strength. Thank you for that.

During my sons three and a half months of living away from home, I have practiced your techniques whenever he was around. My son has now decided to come back home and live under our rules. I am excited about this and a little apprehensive. What I would like to know is how to slowly and inconspicuously get him away from the bad crowd he is now involved with. I do not want to scare him off as soon as he gets home and I know that I have to tread very lightly. The other area of concern is the body piercing which neither I nor my husband can stand. Should I just continue the "POKER FACE" and let him find his way or should I set the rules immediately?

To date, your course has been the only sensible approach to my children and I value your words immensely. Thank you once again! With great appreciation. Sincerely, S.

Click here for my response...

Dealing With Running Away

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety. Thanks, A.

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What do I do with this?

Hello,

Well I started Phase 1 and set the boundaries of curfew and homework requirements. All was going fine, to my surprise. Now the weekend, and Nicole wanted a friend to stay over. I thought well she has been home on time all week and has cleaned her room and done her homework, so alright. Saturday, she decides to go out with her boyfriend. She calls me at 11:50 pm to see if she can stay the night at his house. I said absolutely not! She is to come home by curfew. Well she still is not home and it is now 9:30 am. What do I do with this? 3 days grounded? What? Please help.

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Hi D.,

Assuming she has returned home by now, issue the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounded for one evening with no phone privileges). If she refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then withhold all privileges and ground her for 3 days.

Most importantly, however, issue the following warning and be prepared to back-up your words with action: “If you choose to violate curfew and spend the night at your boyfriend’s again, you will choose the consequence. The police will be called, and I will file a run away charge with juvenile probation.”

Tough love,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Condom Use?

Mark-

What are your views on teens having sex with condoms? I'm not sure where to go with this one as my 17-year-old daughter is wanting to have sex with her 18-year-old boyfriend (and probably already is) but does not want to go on birth control.

Thanks in advance,

J.C.

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Hi J.,

I'd like to share some data with you rather than give my personal opinion on the matter. One of our goals at Online Parent Support is ongoing research. Our recent project tried a number of recruitment strategies with varying degrees of success. Fliers were distributed by project staff in a few high schools and at a weekly summer street fair in downtown Indianapolis that attracts large numbers of teens, and by community agencies to their clients. The street fair recruiting, community service agency referrals, and focus group participant referrals (snowball method) were quite successful.

In the summer of 2007, the OPS HIV Prevention Studies Group conducted:

·10 individual interviews with parents
·21 focus groups with 166 teen participants of mixed ethnicity, segmented by age gender and sexual orientation
·30 individual interviews with teens
·3 parent focus groups, consisting of 22 parents

Our focus group research found that ethnically diverse teens had common interests and attitudes:

·Although youth knew where to get condoms and had tried them, few kept them handy.
·One consequence of unplanned sex was that condoms weren’t talked about and often weren’t used.
·Sex often “just happened.”
·Sexual activity and the opposite sex were very important.
·Youth cited drug and alcohol use as another reason for unplanned sex and not using condoms.
·Youth knew a lot about HIV but perceived little risk.

Our research offered much information on how teens viewed and used condoms:

·Although many in the target audience had already tried condoms, and may have used them sometimes, the audience saw many barriers to consistent use (such as a bad condom experience, the status of their relationship, other birth-control methods).

·The formative research, consistent with national data, suggested that incorrect condom use was an issue: complaints of leakage and slippage suggested that condoms were not being used correctly.

·Like the national literature, local research indicated that youth were not likely to use a condom with a steady partner, as a sign of trust or love. Yet the formative research showed that local teens considered a partner as “steady” after a short period of time and without clear risk assessment.

·Local research indicated that youth had unplanned sex for many reasons: sex with friends, denial of a possibility of having sex, or the influence of drugs or alcohol. In these instances, local research and national data suggested that youth were not likely to use condoms.

Research participants mentioned several benefits to condom use – benefits that were consistent with national research and program experience:

· A way to follow peer norms, which say that they should use condoms
· Ability to act on distrust of a partner
· Ability to attain future goals
· Feeling in control
· Feeling self-respect
· HIV prevention
· Pregnancy prevention
· STI prevention
· Worrying less

In addition to the focus group/interview research, staff compiled all the information they had collected from secondary sources into an “environmental profile” that included local, regional, and statewide data relevant to the target audience, such as:

· Demographic and lifestyle data
· Drug and juvenile justice data
· Health statistics (such as HIV testing, STI, birth, and abortion rates)
· School enrollment rates

The research report also included condom sales data for the city and listings of local youth development and youth-serving programs.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Am I delusional or insane for even considering this?

A new member of Online Parent Support writes:

"I've found your website out of sheer desperation (bet you've heard that a time or two). I'm the step parent of an 18 year old boy who has been diagnosed in the past six months as being bipolar. He is abusing alcohol (no drugs as far as I can tell) and most days he has no respect for authority of any kind. Curfews are non existent and he can't hold a job. He was recently kicked out of a private catholic school ...and attempted suicide in October by overdosing on his meds.

The dilemma, number one he lives with his mom ...and she is demanding that his father and I ...take him. He is taking his meds, but not going to the weekly counseling that was recommended. His mother doesn't enforce any rules because she is afraid of him (he's been known to knock holes in the walls with baseball bats but has never injured anyone). Number two, his father travels out of state most of the time and I would be the primary person responsible for him if he were to come live with us.

...Am I delusional or insane for even considering this? Is moving something that would send him off the deep end completely? I will tell you that his relationship with his father is strong and his father is the calming factor in his life, something he readily acknowledges."