Daughter is Sexually Assaulted

Hello Mark:

This is a strange experience. That is, sending a stranger, albeit we believe, a caring stranger such as you, an e-mail.

My wife and I have used your program with our now 14 year old daughter, but not as fully as we could or should have. Nevertheless, we thought we had used our ‘poker faces’, and given ‘consequences’ lectures effectively, and that a real change (with constant and exhausting monitoring) was taking place. We had a real setback a month or so ago, in terms of inappropriate Facebook activities, and had our daughter cancel her Facebook profile and account.

This was disappointing, but again we thought it was one of a series of setbacks that we thought would diminish in severity and with time.

We were thinking a level of real trust was slowly taking hold. We were wrong! Today is Saturday evening. Yesterday evening we found out that our daughter and her only real friend, (according to her), a 15 year old girlfriend whom she has been very close friends with for the last 2 years, were sexually assaulted in August. The 15 year old girl told an older female friend of her mother’s on Wednesday. The older female friend of the mother left a message with the mother, but the mother only replied to her telephone call yesterday.

The police were called yesterday, and a female police officer took private separate statements from the girls yesterday evening. According to the girls, they were scared about the consequences of their telling anyone what had happened. Apparently the girls had first met 3 older men (mid 20’s?) on the beach. They called our daughter’s girlfriend, who obviously had given them her number. A week or so later, the men called to arrange to meet the girls in the city. They picked them up, stopped at a liquor store, and went to the beach. The girls played on the beach and then drank the liquor that was provided to them by the men. The men then took them to a cabin away from the beach. 3 of the men raped our daughter’s girlfriend, and 2 raped our daughter. The men then drove the girls back to the city.
 

We have been told that the major crime unit will be interviewing the girls this coming week, and speaking with us. Our daughter’s girlfriend was reluctant to do so, but revealed that she had the men’s telephone numbers and their supposed names. My daughter told me today that she and her girlfriend have concluded that it was not their fault that they put themselves in such a situation. At this point my wife and I have been supportive, and have tried to be careful not to condemn them. The interesting point is that the girls feel it is our fault, and the girlfriend’s single mother’s fault. That is, because of their previous activities, we have (we thought) been monitoring their activities more closely. They feel that if we had allowed them a freer rein to associate with their peer group friends, that they would not have gotten into a car with 3 older men and gone to the beach with them.

My wife and I are traumatized and confused. I started to look at your material again. Earlier last year, before we had your material, we went to family counselling to help our daughter, and realized it was a waste of time, money, emotional energy, and gave our daughter a chance to twist and tell tales. After I decided to look at your site again, I realized that I had not fully read all of the material. I know it seems easy to label someone, and to give a diagnosis, but the ODD and ADHD are uncannily accurate. My wife and I are basically teetotallers, and have not had trouble with the law.

We are in a quandary as to what to do next. We know that our daughter and her girlfriend will be given psychiatric assessments and counselling in the next coming weeks, along with an investigation as to the real identities of the rapists. Presumably a trial and court case will ensue if the rapists are caught. A few hours ago, my daughter, wife and I had another screaming match totally unrelated to the rape incident. Actually, our whole life with our daughter has been tense and stressful. It has been a combination of temper tantrums and screaming matches. The ‘poker face’ and ‘consequences’ suggestion helps but does not work all of the time. Our marriage has suffered greatly. Our daughter speaks rudely to me, but mostly to my wife, and has said many vicious and cruel things to her. Many times when my wife has cried about our daughter and our family situation, our daughter has sneered and derided her.

It seems that our daughter and her girlfriend feel relieved to tell their story about the rape, and now feel that they can go about their lives the way they used to. Today they are laughing and carrying on as though everything is normal. Our daughter told my wife last night that now she and her girlfriend will be more cautious. That was all.

What an e-mail I am sending to you, and what a surreal experience we have had since last night. My wife and I do not know what to do next. The real ramifications of the rapes will probably not manifest themselves until years later. We are concerned about this and know that this will have to be dealt with at a later time, but at present are more concerned about the here and now. We feel we have been loving and supporting with no condemnation, but know that the root of the problem with our daughter is still there.

We believe your program has a lot of merit, and know that each situation is different. My wife and I (even though I am told that there is always one more ounce of energy left in out reservoirs when we need it) are thoroughly exhausted mentally and physically. We also have an 18 year old son who has suffered along with us. My wife has stated that in order to cope with our daughter, she is going to give her notice to quit work at the end of this year. We know you are not God, but you do have a lot of experience in working with troubled teens. What would you suggest our best course of action to take is?

Sincerely,

A confused and traumatized father and mother on behalf of a confused and troubled teen…

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Teenagers and young adults are the age groups at greatest risk for rape -- especially acquaintance rape. About 50% of rape victims are under 18 years of age when they are victimized. Youths 12-17 are two to three times more likely to be sexually assaulted than adults. Most teenagers who are raped or sexually assaulted are victimized by someone they know.

It can be hard to help a child who's keeping a secret from you. Preteens and teenagers often turn to their friends to discuss deeply personal issues — and, unfortunately, something as serious as rape is no exception.

Perhaps your daughter fears you will get angry, thinking she "brought it on" in some way; perhaps you don't openly discuss sexual issues and she would feel uncomfortable telling you.
 

Whatever the reason, reaching out to your daughter and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial to your relationship. Let your daughter know, often, that you're there to listen and want to know if anyone ever harms her.

Someone who's been raped might feel angered, frightened, numb, degraded, or confused. It's also normal to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Some people withdraw from friends and family. Others don't want to be alone. Some feel depressed, anxious, or nervous.

Sometimes the feelings surrounding rape may show up in physical ways, such as trouble sleeping or eating. It may be hard to concentrate in school or to participate in everyday activities. Experts often refer to these emotions — and their physical side effects — as rape trauma syndrome. The best way to work through them is with professional help.

If your daughter has confided in you that she is the victim of rape, it's important to seek medical care right away. A doctor will need to check for STDs and internal injuries. Even if your daughter doesn't get examined right away, it doesn't mean that she can't get a checkup later. A person can still go to a doctor or local clinic to get checked out for STDs, pregnancy, or injuries any time after being raped. In some cases, doctors can even gather evidence several days after a rape has occurred.

Those who have been raped sometimes avoid seeking help because they're afraid that talking about it will bring back memories or feelings that are too painful. But this can actually do more harm than good. Seeking help and emotional support through a trained professional is the best way to ensure long-term healing. Working through the pain sooner rather than later can help reduce symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks. It can also help someone avoid potentially harmful behaviors and emotions, like major depression or self-injury.

Rape survivors work through feelings differently. Ask your daughter what sort of counseling is preferable: Some people feel most comfortable talking one-on-one with a therapist. Others find that joining a support group where they can be with other survivors helps them to feel better, get their power back, and move on with their lives. In a support group, they can get help and might help others heal by sharing their experiences and ideas.

The emotional trauma caused by a sexual assault can be severe and long-lasting. The victim may be affected in many different ways. Although each person is unique, there are some feelings and reactions that most sexual assault victims experience. It may be helpful for your daughter to know about these responses. 
 
However, always remember that even though many victims experience similar reactions, there are still individual differences in how people respond to the trauma of rape. Your daughter may experience some or all of these symptoms. They may occur immediately, or one may have a delayed reaction weeks or months later. The feelings may be very intense at times. Sometimes the feelings seem to go away for a while and then come back again. Certain situations, such as seeing the assailant or testifying in court, may intensify the symptoms or cause them to reoccur.
 

Initially, most sexual assault victims react with shock and disbelief. They may feel numb and dazed, withdrawn and distant from other people. They may want to forget about what happened and avoid people or situations that remind them of the assault.

There may be periods when the victim is preoccupied with thoughts and feelings about the assault. She may have unwanted memories or flashbacks and nightmares. When she thinks about what happened, she may re-experience some of the sensations and feelings she had during the assault, such as fear and powerlessness.

Many survivors experience intense emotions in the aftermath of a sexual assault. At times, she may feel angry. She may also feel afraid, anxious or depressed.

Some victims have physical symptoms, such as sleep disturbances, headaches, and stomachaches. They may find that it is very difficult to concentrate on routine activities. They may also experience changes in your sexuality, such as a loss of interest in sex or avoidance of sexual situations.

Fears about personal safety are an almost universal response to a sexual assault. She may become fearful in situations and places where she was never frightened before. During a sexual assault most victims feel powerless and/or terrified of being killed or seriously harmed. Afterwards, she may continue to feel frightened and vulnerable for a while.

Feelings of guilt and shame are common reactions following a sexual assault. Because of misconceptions about rape, some victims blame themselves, doubt their own judgment, or wonder if they were in some way responsible for the assault. Feelings of guilt and self-blame may be reinforced by the reactions of others, who, because of prevalent myths about rape, may blame the victim or criticize his or her behavior.

The victim may also feel ashamed. Some victims describe feeling dirty, devalued, and humiliated as a result of a sexual assault. Feelings of shame are often related to the powerlessness and helplessness victims experience during a sexual assault. Shame may also be a reaction to being forced by the assailant to participate in the crime.

Re: Alcohol Abuse. Please refer to session #4 in the online version of the eBook.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Should Teens Be Forced To Attend Church?

Hi,

I have been using the parenting strategies since July. Things were going well, and my son even earned the privilege of a driving permit in October, which would allow him to take his driving test to have a driver's license. If he had stayed on track, he would have had his driver's test scheduled in November. However, within 1 week of earning the driving permit, he began to become rebellious again, argumentative, and sloppy or forgetful about his chores. I asked him what was bothering him, but he refused to say; he only had insults for me.

In the beginning of November, my son said that it was not fair for us to make him attend church on Sundays. I reminded him that it was a house rule that was agreed to by him. He told me that he did not believe there was anything after a person dies. I did not argue with him. 2 days after that statement, my son was hospitalized for 8 days because of seizures. He had over 60 seizures in that time span. My son was upset with me because we prayed for him-the seizures stopped.

He is at home now and has refused to go to church today. I repeated the request for him to be ready by 9am. I waited 10 minutes, and issued a warning of the consequence. I took his game controller when he did not get up. He told me that he was taking a stand for his faith. He told me he was agnostic 2 weeks ago.

This looks like a power struggle to me. However, I don't believe my husband will back down and let this go once he finds out. My husband strongly believes that his household will serve the Lord (at the least attend church). I believe this also, but would prefer to avoid the power struggle first.

What strategy should I have used? Once again, I will probably be in the cross fire between my son and his step-father.


Click here for my response...

Would you have any tips on how to get an ODD child to take his medicine [has bronchitis]?

Yes I do. Here's how to get difficult children to cooperate:

• Avoid physical struggles. If you start holding a youngster down to give him medicine, you may have to do it again and again. If you find you are physically forcing a youngster to take his medicine on a regular basis, this may be a sign that you should talk with your doctor, nurse or social worker for professional advice.

• Explain how medicine helps children get well. Young children don't always understand how medicine works. You could explain it by simply saying, "This medicine will help you feel better so you can go back to the playground." You could also mention what the medicine is accomplishing: "You didn't wake up at all last night. That's because the medicine took your pain away."

• Explain the consequences. If a youngster refuses to take medicine, explain that he is making a choice that has consequences. You could say, ‘I see you're choosing to stay in the house and not go outside and play until you take this medicine.’ If you're trying to get out the door you might say, 'I see you're choosing to have me give you the medicine, instead of taking it yourself.'

• Give medications at the same time and place. It helps to create a designated spot in your house for giving medicine and to create a routine. To stay on schedule, put a checklist on the refrigerator or your youngster's door. With every dose of medication, have your youngster make a check or put a sticker on the list.

• If your youngster still resists, give him an "out." Before you take away a privilege, try giving your youngster an "out" or suggest taking a short break. This allows him to save face and regroup, physically and emotionally. Perhaps you just take a moment and give your youngster a hug, or get a drink of water and briefly break the cycle. But make sure that a five-minute break is only five minutes long.

• Let another adult take over. For children who are truly resistant, parents might divide the responsibility of who gives the medicine. This gives one parent a necessary break and helps the youngster realize that both parents are capable of handling this.

• Make the medication taste better, if your doctor approves. Sometimes keeping liquid medications cold makes them more palatable. And if your doctor allows, you can also put medicine in juice or add flavorings to it. Ask your doctor and pharmacist if the medication will taste bad, and if it's safe to add a flavoring. You can also inquire if it's safe to mix a liquid medicine with juice or food. But check with your doctor or nurse practitioner to make sure, before you do. Orange juice is often used to conceal bad-tasting medicine.

• Offer choices whenever you can. Taking medicine is non-negotiable, but other things are. Even the simplest choices give the youngster a needed sense of control over the situation and over his body. Offer two simple choices, such as, "Do you want the medicine before you get dressed or after?" or, "Would you like apple, orange or grape juice with your medicine?"

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Out of Control Daughter

Good Morning Mark, I have finished the 4 weeks and have used some of the suggestions. I have a couple of questions at this point. Before we started the course, we had pretty much taken away "all" of my daughters "stuff" and "freedom". Over the last 4 weeks, we have been looking for reasons to give things back so we can get on track. However, things keep coming up: she gets caught not telling the truth, skipping class at school, being late at school and not turning in assignments. I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.? We have found things out this way in the past. The problem with this is that if I find something, I usually end up trying to circumvent the situation - it is very hard to let her make the mistake when I know what she is going to do before she does it.

Thirdly, I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kinds of repercussions are typically involved?

Thanks for your time, N.

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Hi N.,

Re: I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

This "piling up" as you call it is addressed in SESSION #2 [online version of the ebook] under the section The Art Of Saying ‘No’ …look for Q & A - On Discipline [right side of page].

Re: Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.?

Safety should always come first. Parents need to do whatever they must in order to ensure this safety. If that means reading the teen's journal, then so be it. If that means looking through dresser drawers or looking at their internet history, so be it.

Parents often make the mistake of trying to be their teen's best friend. The problem with that is parents are not meant to be their teen's best friend. They are meant to be parents...guiding forces that set boundaries, give consequences, and help the teen get ready for adulthood. It isn't always a pretty job...but it is a very necessary job. To turn a blind eye can put a teen's very life in danger.

Does this mean that parents need to always be suspicious of their teen? Of course not. However, if parents see clues that something is amiss in the life of their teen who will not open up, it is probably time for the parents to do some detective work.

Re: I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kind of repercussions are typically involved?

I don't have much to add other than the recommendation in session #4 [under "Read These Emails From Exasperated parents" - online version of the ebook]. To ignore that recommendation is to employ "half-measures". Also, a juvenile's record is expunged and thus, does not follow them into adulthood.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Help for Oppositional Defiant Disorder

“I hate you, you’re such a bitch, I am too going to wear my red dress! You promised me yesterday, and if I can’t wear it today, I’m not getting ready for school!” Molly had been arguing about the dress for the past forty-five minutes. It was 8:05, mom was running late, and the dress was filthy. That overwhelming exhausted feeling enveloped mom and, once again, she caved. “Go ahead and wear it,” she screamed.

If your youngster has been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), this scenario may sound much too familiar. According to the Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth Ed., oppositional defiant disorder can cause clinical impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning, and is characterized by a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient and hostile behavior toward authority figures which persists for a period of at least six months.

Since kids pass through many developmental stages as they mature, it is important to understand the differences between normal childhood attempts to defy authority and symptoms of full-blown oppositional defiant disorder. Nine year-old Molly appears driven to defeat adults, is relentless in her pursuit of proving adults to be wrong, stupid, or both, and her thoughts revolve around defeating anyone’s attempt to exercise authority over her. She typically turns every interaction with adults into win/lose situations and is vigorously intent on winning.

Oppositional defiant kids share many of the following characteristics:
  • The ODD youngster is socially exploitive and very quick to notice how others respond. He then uses these responses to his advantage in family or social environments, or both.
  • These kids tolerate a great deal of negativity – in fact they seem to thrive on large amounts of conflict, anger and negativity from others, and are frequently the winners in escalating battles of negativity.
  • They possess a strong need for control, and will do just about anything to gain power.
  • They typically deny responsibility for their misbehavior and have little insight into how they impact others.

Besides oppositional defiant disorder, kids like Molly may also have another psychiatric disorder. ODD is frequently a co-morbid condition with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. It can also be diagnosed along with Tourette Syndrome, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety and mood disorders, Asperger’s, language-processing impairments, sensory integration deficits, or even nonverbal learning disabilities. What causes this troubling behavior? Some researchers believe that many of the symptoms of these disorders may share common neurobiological mechanisms. If your youngster is affected by one of these disorders, it is critical to keep in mind that ODD can create additional problems for you and your youngster.

Many authorities on parenting have indicated that oppositional behavior is more prevalent when structure in the home is out of balance – when there is either too much structure or not enough. In an overly structured environment the parenting is rigid and inflexible. These moms and dads “micromanage” and come down hard on their kids, controlling every aspect of their lives. This particular style of parenting only serves to create more opposition and defiance. On the other hand, structure that is too loose can also cause difficulties. Kids can exhibit oppositional defiant behavior when moms and dads do not provide enough structure by setting appropriate boundaries, or establishing and following through with consequences for misbehavior. These moms and dads usually give in to all of their youngster’s demands, either out of fear of the youngster, or in an effort to keep themselves in the youngster’s good graces. In order to prevent or reduce oppositional defiant behavior parents should aim towards a firm and loving parenting style in which the structure is balanced. Moms and dads must take charge, and place themselves at the top of the family hierarchy. They must use their authority as parents and, at the same time, make the youngster feel protected, loved and soothed.

How well the parents get along, whether married or divorced, is another factor to consider in preventing oppositional behavior. When couples are unhappy or oppositional in themselves, they frequently disagree on parenting issues, significantly limiting their success in changing the behavior of their youngster. Molly is an expert at dividing her parent’s authority, and will most certainly take advantage of exploiting rifts between her parents. Couples counseling may be in order to decrease the hostility and conflict between parents and set the stage for united, successful parenting.

Another factor to consider is how the family is affected by ODD. This can be one of the most stressful conditions a family faces and, when it is secondary to another neuropsychiatric disorder, that stress is compounded. Family counseling may be helpful to resolve family difficulties. The family therapist can provide a controlled environment which offers support and skills training to weary moms and dads.

Once marital and family issues are addressed, moms and dads can begin to train both themselves and their youngster. If Molly’s mother continues to respond to her quarrelsome behavior as she always has, Molly will continue to tune her out, escalate the arguments, and push mom’s buttons. Most adults engage in an argument with concern for the outcome. The adult’s goal in an argument is to come to a resolution. In other words, what transpires as a result of the conflict is most important. As a parent, from your perspective, if you have determined the outcome of the argument, you are the one in control. For the oppositional youngster the process of creating an argument is more meaningful to her than the outcome of the conflict. These arguments over insignificant issues may seem pointless however, with such a strong need for control, it is your oppositional youngster’s goal is to escalate the conflict until you are no longer the one in control. What is important to her is not the issue being argued over, as much as what is going to happen during the argument.

In order to control the process of the argument the oppositional defiant youngster attempts to determine the topic and direction of the conflict, and seems to instinctively know when you are feeling most vulnerable and your energy is low. She will bring up conflict-laden issues during these times, aiming towards pushing your buttons and diverting you from issues in which you are likely to be attempting to exert your authority over her. When your ODD youngster finally pushes your buttons, in her mind, she has gained control of you and your emotions. At this point she has now successfully taken over your position of authority. Furthermore, when you lose control of your emotions, your youngster’s anxiety level rises along with her defensiveness. When her defenses increase she becomes more oppositional which is her main defense mechanism. As she becomes more oppositional, the situation escalates and we are caught in an endless cycle of conflict.

Strategies for avoiding conflict are essential to de-escalate the situation. It is wise to change the subject if your energy is low, or you suspect that the topic of discussion will result in an argument. Walking away from the conflict is another strategy to consider. If you cannot change the subject, or walk away it is important to keep in mind that the ODD youngster’s goal is to push your buttons. Think about your endurance, how long can you endure really oppositional button pushing? When you get to the end of your rope, what are your options? It is critical not to take what your youngster says personally. As soon as you defend yourself, your youngster, by the rules governing arguments, has the right to defend himself against your attack. In turn, you get to defend yourself, and he has now pushed your buttons and gained power. You do not have to defend yourself or try to convince him you are right. Do not lower yourself to the level of your oppositional youngster.

There are two options available for preventing him from drawing you in. Tell him, in an unruffled rational manner, that he has two choices. If he wants to stay around, he can change the subject and stop complaining; or he can go somewhere else in the house to complain if he chooses. Should your youngster choose to escalate, it is time to use two powerful words which can cut through any argument. These words are “regardless” and “nevertheless”. For example, “nevertheless, this is how it is going to be…” Using these words repetitively (like a broken record), in a calm unemotional manner will serve to de-escalate the situation without allowing your youngster to draw you into the power struggle.

Utilizing effective consequences for the oppositional youngster can be difficult since this presents one more opportunity for conflict in which you are likely to lose power. Discussing consequences while you are in the midst of their negative behavior will most likely result in more frustration for you. Therefore, it is critical to focus on consequences that do not require cooperation of the youngster. Rules and consequences must be clear, and in writing to provide clarity for both youngster and parent before the conflict occurs. Begin by removing reinforcers and allowing your youngster to earn the items back as a reward for acceptable behavior. Reinforcers include items such as television, stereos, CD’s computers, video games, telephones, bicycles, skateboards, visiting friends, access to favorite clothing, favorite foods, etc.

Once you have successfully avoided having your buttons pushed and gained some control over your youngster’s behavior, it is time to go on the offensive to soothe her, and help her get back to an even place. Oppositional kids do not like being soothed by their caretakers. This places them back into the role of being a youngster, and puts you back into the role as the parent. One of the driving forces behind ODD is that, for whatever reasons, a youngster is trying to grow up too quickly, and considers herself to be equal to her parents. The ODD youngster may feel less loved due to the amount of conflict going on, and it is difficult to simultaneously feel loved as a youngster and try to operate on an adult level. Your youngster may know intellectually that she is loved, but not feel loved. Moms and dads must be able to show love, and soothe and nurture their youngster. This is not always easy to accomplish, especially when previous negative behavior patterns have become ingrained.

Kids look to their moms and dads for a sense of security, belonging and identity. As our society becomes more complex, the need for our kids to develop a clear set of values is critical. Current research also has indicated that boys with ADHD and increased oppositional behavior are at greater risk for later antisocial behavior. With this in mind, the need for structure becomes particularly relevant in today’s world. It is apparent that kids affected by a variety of neuropsychiatric disorders are at greater risk for oppositional behavior. Since this behavior will create additional difficulties for them as they pass through the various developmental stages, it becomes even more important to use the authority vested in us as moms and dads to establish consistent limits and consequences, and to distinguish boundaries within the family. This will form a family unit characterized by established guidelines, affording kids a secure backdrop in which they can grow and thrive.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Teenage daughter runs away from consequences...

Hi Mark,

We bought my out of control teen for our problem teen, H___ aged 16 (with undiagnosed emotional problems) and have found the tools very helpful, however we are at a loss to know how to deal with her runaway episodes which she does when she receives a consequence.

She ran away late one night in bare feet and walked all the way to her dad's house 7& 1/2 kms away, (he was convicted with 18 charges of violence against me) she hadn't seen him for 10 years...and it turned out to be a bad experience...then went and stayed at a friend’s. As she told us she wasn't coming home but was planning to move out which she can legally do at the age of 16, which she is now. I just told her how her choice to move out would affect her...we wouldn't support her financially...she would have to arrange all that herself and stayed in constant contact with her.

We have contacted the police and they have said unless she is considered at risk (ie mental health issues which she does have) they do not have the power to go and bring her home.

I managed to persuade her through much carefully thinking and talking to come home and return to school which she wanted to drop out of. She did work experience during the holidays that I took her to and now school has started she became very wound up and yelled at and gave me mouth for half an hour when she was reminded of a job she was required to do.

She went to school Monday and never came home...I believe she has gone to a friends...and I don't know what to do....I replied to her text on someone else’s phone but have not heard back from her.

By running away when she is given a consequence (this has gone on for 2 & 1/2 years) she avoids all responsibility and accountability and I renders useless any discipline program.

What can I do about this as our Australian laws as we have signed the convention on the rights of the child have taken away parental rights?

How can I approach this problem for her benefit?

very distressed mum,

J.


Click here for my response...

Should I tell my stepson that I am not his biological father?

Hello Mr. Hutten,

I have a question for you. I have a 14 year old step son who does not know that I am not his biological father. His mother and I have been separated for 9 years. I get him and his brother, who is my biological son, three times a week. I have had this visitation arrangement with their mother for the entire 9 years.

I met the boy when he was 8 months old, and he really has no idea I am not his biological father.

That said, the boy treats me with no respect, gets into trouble and generally makes the time I have with him and his brother a nightmare. I could go on, but I am sure you can imagine what I have been going through.

My question-- Should I tell him that I am not his biological father? I really want to tell him because I do not think he appreciates exactly how good I have been to him. I spend a lot of time being angry at him and I think if he knew the real situation he might have a little more gratitude.

Please let me know what your professional opinion is.

Thank you so much for your help and your program.

Sincerely,

B.

Click here for my response...

Is your teenager suffering with ODD? Take this quiz to find out:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder Quiz: Is your teenager suffering with ODD? This quiz is designed to help parents understand some behaviors tha...